Why get remarried at a later age?

[Music Lover]

I have known very few people that were happy in long term marriages. When I was getting divorced and started a thread I was surprised about all the people on this forum that only stayed together because it’s easier and they didn’t want to be alone.

I know several marriages like that. They may not hate each other but they're not really in love.

Add to that the fact that many of them would have to go from one home to two along with half of their investment or pension if they split and the math is not friendly.

One couple I know split after 40 years of marriage. Only he worked and they were living in a paid off house relatively comfortable with a $55k pension.

The pension was split 50/50 and since neither of them could afford to buy the other one out of the house it was sold. Now they're each living on $27.5k and both paying rent and dipping into the dwindling savings from the house sale.

 

[aja8888]

In my avatar picture are SOME of the guys I have coffee and breakfast with each day (almost each day). As a group of roughly 15 seniors, myself and one other guy are widowed, the rest in long term marriages (45 -55 years). All of these fellows have been successful in business and are financially very well off.

The standing reason we all meet about each morning (7:00 am to 9:30 or so) is because most of the married guys need to get away from their wives for a while, especially in the morning. It's kind of a joke, but there's some truth to it. A couple of guys stay gone most of the day. LOL!

 

[omni550]

I know several marriages like that. They may not hate each other but they're not really in love.

Add to that the fact that many of them would have to go from one home to two along with half of their investment or pension if they split and the math is not friendly.

I've heard this called a "silent divorce". They live together, but that's about it.

omni

 

[aja8888]

I've heard this called a "silent divorce". They live together, but that's about it.

omni

One of my friends has been going through this for a couple of decades (or longer). They don't want to get divorced because of what the children will think, who are in their late 40's.

 

[Music Lover]

One of my friends has been going through this for a couple of decades (or longer). They don't want to get divorced because of what the children will think, who are in their late 40's.

My wife's parents split up when he was 78 and she was 73. My wife and both of her siblings all said that they should have done it decades ago, lol.

 

[Gumby]

In my Army days every Saturnay morning was GI party. It meant 0600 reveille, get outside in battallion formation. Render reports, then dismissed to brracks cleaning, rooms, toilets, hallways, windows, scrub and wax floors, then getting inspected by CO.

At home am chief cook and bottlewasher, +scullery.

So the key is to pick a veteran. They know a thing or two about cleaning.

 

[FlaGator]

I had a wonderful husband and marital partnership. There's no other word for it. Until he got too sick to know who I was any more, we just plain loved each other every day. New discoveries kept being made, problems got solved together, life was simply better because he was in it.

Because I liked being married and seemed to be good at it, I wouldn't be averse to remarriage; however, the likely compromises, at this stage of life, seem daunting. And I can't fathom having to take on somebody else's passel of grandkids, family Christmases and Thanksgivings, etc. etc....the thought of all that fuss and bother makes me tired.

I'm sad for you that it ended that way. I don't think it's ever easy, but some are worse than others.

My compliments on seeing him through to the end.

 

[FlaGator]

That's another reason I probably wouldn't remarry. I'm way past being run past somebody, anybody, for approval. And I wouldn't want someone who was so insecure about his choice that he even felt the need to get said approval.

I joke about that, but it's more nuanced than my flat-affect reply.

It's more about maintaining solid relationships with my kids than getting their approval for a potential partner. My kids are the only people I can depend upon to look after me when I go south. Their mother has been gone for a while and wife #2 didn't work out. They are the most important relationship in my life right now and may be at the end. It is important to me that the communication remains open and honest, even if we disagree.

In addition, I have seen the more responsible offspring of my friends take an interest in their parents' well-being. It's not always healthy, but I don't think it's uncommon. The nasty message I got from Wife #2's son in response to my birthday wishes to him after she moved out, but well before she ended it, is an indication the mother/son relationship may not be any different than the father/daughter aja8888 and I joked about as we age.

Defensive explanation done - To a point you made in another reply, I agree managing the demands and expectations of a new family acquired through marriage can be difficult. From my experience, I think they could be reasons to make the difficult choice to bypass a potential partner. I have several examples of the challenges that can come with the family of a new spouse if you ever run out.

Once one is past the point of building a life together with a long runway ahead, it's a matter of what's the best way to get to the end, IMO.

The kind of issues you and TeacherTerry raise are real, and I believe are reasons to be skeptical about re-marrying, if not reject the idea. And I have mine. Among them - Don't mess with the garage. Don't criticize "my stuff" - throw out anything you don't like after I'm gone. Don't criticize me taking calls from my young college student at dinner and then grab a flight to "help" your 30+ adult offspring after they wreck their car-twice in 60 days. I already know how to do basic cooking and clean a kitchen, I know how to dress for any occasion.

Lastly, I'm not rebuilding another closet to accommodate anything more than 2 dozen additional pairs of shoes. I will not be bested on the shoe collection

 

[VanWinkle]

One of my 3 husbands was very neat. But he thought his way was the only way and he was very controlling. So at 43 as soon as our youngest graduated from high school I divorced him. The other two were slobs. Number 3 was a fun person for a number of years but then I found out he was a serial cheater and also became critical even though I did everything.

I have known very few people that were happy in long term marriages. When I was getting divorced and started a thread I was surprised about all the people on this forum that only stayed together because it’s easier and they didn’t want to be alone.

I was one of those that was very happy in my almost 45 years of marriage. Married at 20 and she was 19. We raised 4 kids and grew up together. I wouldn't change a thing about those years, but still wish she was still with me.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I was one of those that was very happy in my almost 45 years of marriage. Married at 20 and she was 19. We raised 4 kids and grew up together. I wouldn't change a thing about those years, but still wish she was still with me.

I really envy you.

 

[robnplunder]

One of the highest divorce rates is one that is 2nd marriage for both.

I for one will never remarry. My freedom is worth more than taking a chance with re-marrying someone. Of course, if I meet a sugar mommy .... just kidding.

 

[Music Lover]

My wife (common law) and I met 7 years ago. We were both married once before.

The odds of meeting a life partner later in life...I was 56 and she was 52, are slim but we beat the odds and couldn't be happier.

We have no plans to get married at this time, perhaps at one point we will but it's not something that we think about very much.

 

[Amethyst]

I joke about that, but it's more nuanced than my flat-affect reply.

It's more about maintaining solid relationships with my kids than getting their approval for a potential partner. My kids are the only people I can depend upon to look after me when I go south. Their mother has been gone for a while and wife #2 didn't work out. They are the most important relationship in my life right now and may be at the end. It is important to me that the communication remains open and honest, even if we disagree.

Anybody who thinks they are going to matter more to a parent, than said parent's offspring, is a self-centered fool. Clearly the offspring and the prospective "step" have to get along and respect one another, or things will go downhill fast.

I was just objecting to the idea of my supposed love interest setting up some sort of interview to see if the kids "approve," while I wait in anguished suspense for their verdict.

I'd expect him, instead, to have extolled my virtues to the kids (and theirs to me!) for some time, so much so that everyone concerned would be rather surprised if anybody raised significant objections. "Gee Dad, you didn't mention that awful [regional accent]" or whatever!

 

[HFWR]

After a couple of tries, I’ve remained unmarried now since 1993.

 

[FlaGator]

Anybody who thinks they are going to matter more to a parent, than said parent's offspring, is a self-centered fool. Clearly the offspring and the prospective "step" have to get along and respect one another, or things will go downhill fast.

I was just objecting to the idea of my supposed love interest setting up some sort of interview to see if the kids "approve," while I wait in anguished suspense for their verdict.

I'd expect him, instead, to have extolled my virtues to the kids (and theirs to me!) for some time, so much so that everyone concerned would be rather surprised if anybody raised significant objections. "Gee Dad, you didn't mention that awful [regional accent]" or whatever!

Agree with your points, and the proper way to prepare for, and handle the introductions.

And with the above, I think you would make thoughtful partner, married or not, if you chose to.

 

[steelyman]

CNBC carried a story this morning “5 Hard Truths About Marriage Most People Learn Too Late In Life”.

The list:

1. Love alone isn’t enough to hold a marriage together.
2. You’re going to fight … a lot.
3. Your partner won’t - and can’t - meet all of your needs.
4. Without constant maintenance, your marriage will crumble.
5. You are both going to change individually.

I don’t necessarily think all are true but do wonder if many couples just grin and bear it (especially those in earlier generations).

 

[athena53]

I know several marriages like that. They may not hate each other but they're not really in love.

Add to that the fact that many of them would have to go from one home to two along with half of their investment or pension if they split and the math is not friendly.

When I was browsing the dating sites years ago one guy who liked my profile was 85, marital status was "legally separated" and he described himself as "lonely". I'm wondering if that was a "silent divorce".

CNBC carried a story this morning “5 Hard Truths About Marriage Most People Learn Too Late In Life”.

The list:
<snip>
[*]You’re going to fight … a lot.
<snip>
[*]Without constant maintenance, your marriage will crumble.

Second DH and I never did. Honest. We were both pretty mellow- neither had any urge to "win" and our values and financial priorities were pretty similar. It helped that us kids were launched and mine needed more guidance (DH was a spectacular stepfather) and there was enough money to go around. I never did feel that we had to work to maintain the marriage. I guess I got lucky the second time- and it was his third.

 

[aja8888]

I recall a cartoon I saw n New Yorker magazine years ago on a flight back from a NYC business trip. I went like this:

Visualize a real old couple standing in front of a judge who is on a very tall podium. The judge is looking down at the old couple and says:

Judge: "Why did you wait so long to file for a divorce?"

Old Couple: "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."

I love that magazine!

 

[RetiredHappy]

CNBC carried a story this morning “5 Hard Truths About Marriage Most People Learn Too Late In Life”.

The list:

1. Love alone isn’t enough to hold a marriage together.
2. You’re going to fight … a lot.
3. Your partner won’t - and can’t - meet all of your needs.
4. Without constant maintenance, your marriage will crumble.
5. You are both going to change individually.

I don’t necessarily think all are true but do wonder if many couples just grin and bear it (especially those in earlier generations).

With my second husband, we both still don't really know what went wrong. Well, we had 2 trigger points that ended it but they were not anything to do with (1) to (5). Marriage is much more complex than if you do A, then all will be well.

 

[Music Lover]

CNBC carried a story this morning “5 Hard Truths About Marriage Most People Learn Too Late In Life”.

The list:

1. Love alone isn’t enough to hold a marriage together.
2. You’re going to fight … a lot.
3. Your partner won’t - and can’t - meet all of your needs.
4. Without constant maintenance, your marriage will crumble.
5. You are both going to change individually.

I don’t necessarily think all are true but do wonder if many couples just grin and bear it (especially those in earlier generations).

2. We don't fight.

3. I don't want or expect her to meet all my needs, I want her to share my life. That being said, we both bring things to the table that the other person lacks or appreciates.

5. We met in our 50's so there won't be a lot of change.

 

[MarieIG]

I do not anticipate outliving DH, but if I did so I have no interest in remarrying, or pursuing a romantic relationship, long term or otherwise.

I would prefer platonic relationships.

 

[Dtail]

CNBC carried a story this morning “5 Hard Truths About Marriage Most People Learn Too Late In Life”.

The list:

1. Love alone isn’t enough to hold a marriage together.
2. You’re going to fight … a lot.
3. Your partner won’t - and can’t - meet all of your needs.
4. Without constant maintenance, your marriage will crumble.
5. You are both going to change individually.

I don’t necessarily think all are true but do wonder if many couples just grin and bear it (especially those in earlier generations).

Interesting list. I do value point #4. Constant might be too strong a word, but it does require working at it to some level, even if it doesn't feel like work. No one wants to be taken for granted. That sometimes can be a trigger point for others to swoop in.

 

[aja8888]

I do not anticipate outliving DH, but if I did so I have no interest in remarrying, or pursuing a romantic relationship, long term or otherwise.

I would prefer platonic relationships.

Yeah, that sounds like the best for me, but I haven't decided on what type yet.

 

[ls99]

This may belong in the funnies thread.

Old couple married 68 years asked how they managed to stay together.
They answered, we never had enough money to pay for divorce.

 

[Amethyst]

Agree with your points, and the proper way to prepare for, and handle the introductions.

And with the above, I think you would make thoughtful partner, married or not, if you chose to.

Thank you.