Hi I am frugal but DW thinks I am stingy

[Iameasy]

I have lurked for years. It is nice to feel some love from fellow LBYM and fixityourself types here.

I actually tried to retire a few years ago, but long story shorter, it was too much to fight DW's insecurity about money. We are having some issues wrt ways to invest her money from her last company's stocks. As in, please don't gamble away years of savings on shady investment schemes and just don't go to those multi-level marketing parties at your girl friend's house.

I am 57 and DW is younger. We have a paid off home, 2 rental houses that are cashflow+ and 800K in invested stocks in IRA and brokerage accounts.
DW has a secure job with the state as computer engineer. I no longer want to do engineering for famous tech company, that work was killing me. Besides, the tech industry really don't value "experienced" folks with gray specks.
I identify with the core $ values of this group, such as invest for the long haul, take calculated risks, (Warren B type of thing).

 

[Chelhxi]

What would happen if you just quit?

 

[Iameasy]

Sorry I did not make it clear, I did quit the tech company job. Now I have a teaching position. Only 4 more weeks to Summer off. ;-)
I make only a fraction of previous but much less stress and lots of exercise. It was a fair trade, less stress for lower pay but resulting in better health. I am thankful I was able to retire from my profession.

 

[aja8888]

Hi Iameasy, welcome to the forums. What specifically is your question(s)?

 

[Iameasy]

Don't worry, I have lots of questions. I ask myself all the time, like what the hell did I forget? This is my introduction post.

 

[aja8888]

Don't worry, I have lots of questions. I ask myself all the time, like what the hell did I forget? This is my introduction post.

OK, but think out what's bothering you and we would be glad to give you some help, remembering though, this is a forum full of strangers and with a wide variety of opinions.

 

[Katiek]

Glad you were able to find a new job that you enjoy. Sometimes the freedom from FI isn't retiring early but having the freedom to take a different job that may not pay as much.

Is your wife financially responsible - but just not as responsible as you? Left to her own, would she still save but just not as much as you? It's always hard to find a balance between saving for the future and enjoying the present.

 

[Iameasy]

Thanks for your kind words. It was not easy to be able to walk away from a good paying profession. But as many of you have experienced that feeling that wont go away, the feeling that I was the boiled frog. Partly due to my faith in Firecalc, I was able to make this change. It took several years of transition.

DW is not a spendthrift but is uninterested about investing with a long time horizon. When we got married, she had 10K in her IBM 401K which did not gain hardly any over 7 years. My IRA over the same had averaged 8% return annually over the same period. So I invested for her and it had done nicely, slightly more than the market by buying index etfs mostly Vanguard stock/bond etfs. I keep having to steer her away from overbought, trader stocks such as Apple, Netflix, Tesla… Over the last few years I had several arguments over vitamins, health product, MLM schemes her friends tried to sucker her in. Today I said I give up, you go girl with your money.

 

[PhrugalPhan]

Over the last few years I had several arguments over vitamins, health product, MLM schemes her friends tried to sucker her in. Today I said I give up, you go girl with your money.

You married my ex . I wondered what happened to her.

 

[Iameasy]

Is smiley face old school?
Right now I am making a toast to Dionysus, to my health and adios to $50K.
It's only money.

 

[ATby55]

Ccd


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Markola]

DW and I plowed much this same garden on Friday night:

Me: My boss is an overbearing, hyper competitive tyrant whom I can't wait to get away from. I want to mini-retire for one year to find something else.

Her: How could we afford that?

Me: Because we have a million dollars.

Her: It doesn't seem like it to me. Why can't I spend more of it then, to make the house pretty?

Me: We have ample money because, unlike most Americans, we spend on mostly needs, not wants, and invest the difference.

Her: Seems like taking a year off is a big want for you. Meanwhile, I go to work every day?

Me: (She's so ¥{%~^! much smarter than me!). That's a good point. Let's revisit this in 7.5 years when you turn 59.5. Another glass of wine, Honey?


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

DW and I plowed much this same garden on Friday night:

Me: My boss is an overbearing, hyper competitive tyrant whom I can't wait to get away from. I want to mini-retire for one year to find something else.

Her: How could we afford that?

Me: Because we have a million dollars.

Her: It doesn't seem like it to me. Why can't I spend more of it then, to make the house pretty?

Me: We have ample money because, unlike most Americans, we spend on mostly needs, not wants, and invest the difference.

Her: Seems like taking a year off is a big want for you. Meanwhile, I go to work every day?

Me: (She's so ¥{%~^! much smarter than me!). That's a good point. Let's revisit this in 7.5 years when you turn 59.5. Another glass of wine, Honey?


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum

Ugh. All I can say is...I'm so very sorry. I am quite thankful my DW doesn't act like that.

Sent from my mobile device so please excuse grammatical errors.

 

[pb4uski]

.....Me: Because we have a million dollars.

Her: It doesn't seem like it to me. Why can't I spend more of it then, to make the house pretty?....

Because it's our orange money for our retirement... haven't you seen the commercial?

I have not shared our NW with DW out of fear that I would get the exact same response.... too much HGTV. Luckily, she has never asked.

 

[Markola]

Sorry, but I intended reporting that exchange as a humorous agreement with the OP, who commented on being called stingy, which tickled me. DW is great. The problem is, my writing failed me. Oh well, better luck next time.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Iameasy]

Markola, my hat off to you. RE - that's for lazy dossers, go buy that new quartz countertop. ;-)

 

[karen1972]

First I have to say I'm shocked at how many people don't share financials with their partners. My honey knew I have over $1M and I knew shortly after we met that he was likely going bankrupt due to a failing business (ie clients that were way behind on paying), medical bills, and an IRS issue.
We are not married due to the inequality between us, but we have a plan to "rightsize" our relationship so we can get there someday and we talk about it regularly.

The wife wants pretty things is probably me being over sensitive as my father always held the purse strings and told my mom to work if she wanted things.. "want" ie a sofa that the spring doesn't poke your ass... yeh his definition of "want" was if it was for the house it was a "want" and if it was for the garage it was a "need". Raising 5 kids on less than $30k..I'm pretty sure everything was a need.

My suggestion is to find things you have to do anyway, plan them into the budget and let her have a few nice things as you plan for ER.. it doesn't have to cost a fortune and should delay your plans by only a few months.. happy wife.. happy life. I personally am as stingy as they come, but you bet I have nice countertops and hardwood floors..as it just saves so much time cleaning and the pretty kitchen makes me want to cook which savs money vs. going out to eat... and I got it all back in the home sale and since the house was updated it sold in 1 day (technically 4 hours), in a bad Chicago market in freezing temps..

 

[Markola]

Markola, my hat off to you. RE - that's for lazy dossers, go buy that new quartz countertop. ;-)

Ha, there is a little of that, but we balance each other. After pondering our discussion on Friday, I'm learning how NOT to have this discussion with her, at least: The timing wasn't right, and I centered it on me and solving my problems, i.e. my boss (who really must go within about 18 months, or else I will. About that, I am not attempting humor). She earned half of what we have and is glad I'm a saver, but is instantly bored with personal finance, which presents a challenge to me when I suggest we are beginning to have options we could exercise: I mean "less work and more time," she hears "Oh no, my husband wants me to penny pinch like I had to growing up." I have hope though. For example, we have friends who took a year off and circumnavigated the globe, then returned to work, which inspired DW. Maybe that's a starting point in a few years after she satisfies some of her considerable ambition at work. Meanwhile, I'll find a less-demanding, more enjoyable job, and we'll continue to crush our 50%+ savings rate. All of that probably means a late 50s FIRE for us, even if the FI part comes much sooner. I can live with that because, yes, "Happy wife, happy life."

By the way, why doesn't Early-Retirement.org have a "Couples and Money" forum? This topic Iameasy raised is the core FIRE hurdle for so many, and is far more challenging terrain to negotiate than finances. It sure would be interesting reading, too!


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum

 

[haha]

By the way, why doesn't Early-Retirement.org have a "Couples and Money" forum? This topic Iameasy raised is the core FIRE hurdle for so many, and is far more challenging terrain to negotiate than finances. It sure would be interesting reading, too!


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum

Superb idea! We could sell pop-ups to enterprising family lawyers!

Ha

 

[aja8888]

Superb idea! We could sell pop-ups to enterprising family lawyers!

Ha

And probably provide direct links to Social Media sites so people can get other opinions.

 

[calmloki]

I'm thinking if your wife thinks you are stingy you are. Whether you solve that via divorce because she is a spendthrift or by accepting some of her input is for all couples to work out. My gal invests some money with an ex-boss with healthy fees. He recommended and we own some Alibaba at a substantial loss; we bought GM as it was just about to go bankrupt because she felt loyalty to GM and wanted to express her support. She also works at ANYTHING she attempts like a pit bull with a chew toy - including getting us to where we are. Any fantasy I have about controlling her is just that - she does some things because of reason and some because of her personality - I guess I better like her just fine as she is.