How do you convince your spouse to RE?

[38Chevy454]

Money can't buy health. Life is short enough, and working yourself into bad health and not be able to enjoy things is illogical at best.

It sounds like your husband needs to find something to replace the work. He needs a hobby or similar activities to use his time and make him feel important. I would guess he is afraid to retire and does not know what to do with the change. He has a job to retire from, but he does not have something to retire to.

Yours and your husband's choice is an emotional one, not a financial one. you have the financial means to do whatever you want. It is the emotional part you have the shortfall.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Your DH has 500k reasons not to hate his job and apparently they are doing their job well.

You will both keep working forever as you plan to wait for him to RE before you do.

Good luck.

 

[dd564]

I had a relative that had the same issues with her husband. Even after he "retired" he started his own business. She ended up getting involved in an artisan craft guild and traveled the world without him on trips with her artist friends.

Sounds like the wife needs to find someone to travel with.

There is plenty of money there and if he can't retire with that amount of money, there is something else he is seeking that he needs with this job.
Power... staying busy... his own travel... camaraderie...

 

[MRG]

Hahahaha this is too funny! It could very well be a post my DH wrote, or would likely write.

In that post is a lot information on how some men relate to the workplace, and a brilliant idea. I just had a similar conversation with a buddy of mine who retired 3 months ago. He's struggling with 'lack of purpose' in life. He has a good plan going forward, but some guys really have a tough time retiring. I reminded him of a former co-w*rker who just died of a heart attack at age 51.

Have you thought about an independent 3rd party for another opinion. Sometimes we men need someone else's opinion to see more clearly. I wish you the best.

 

[dd564]

I wish! At least he would've enjoyed something at his job. but nope, he is simply miserable at work and drags every morning going to the office. But still, he worries about $$ too much and won't quit.

I assume he knows basic math by the salary he is pulling down.

It shouldn't be too hard for him to figure this out logically.

 

[CaliforniaMan]

I have known people making that kind of money, even older that cannot consider retiring. They have been FI for a long time, but retirement is not something even on their radar. One thing I think is that 500K/yr people hang out with other 500K or 1M people and that has a profound effect on their thinking and emotions. Status seeking can be a profound motivator, and stress a powerful and addictive drug. Don't know if this is your DH's issue, but always hanging out with similar types can be a real trap. And if he is at work or thinking about work most of his waking hours, it is hard to escape.

 

[Live Free]

My advice is to go ahead and RE on your own. You've run the numbers. Don't go on a spending spree. Find new hobbies, PT meaningful volunteering, whatever you want. You are not responsible for his happiness. Only your own.

If you were not so financially secure, my opinion would be different. I hope he comes around...

 

[Moemg]

You can not make another person change so forget about it and just work on making yourself happy either retire or go part time so you can enjoy your life .

 

[Janet H]

While only you can assess how your retirement would impact your relationship, I'd like to suggest mulling over this concept:

You can be miserable and still living in service to your alarm clock or you can be miserable and retired. But... you might not be miserable

 

[martyp]

I ER'd 3 years ago at 55. My DW still works and she says it is about $$ for her too. She also grew up in a less affluent household than I did. Fortunately she is not too jealous of how I spend my retirement time. I've gone on several trips without her including 2 road trips; a week in NYC; a week in Miami Beach; and recently a week in Berlin.

She says she is going to ER next June. We'll see.

You have a tough choice but I would recommend that you retire on your terms and then figure out how to work out your relationship issues with your husband. It seems like you will both be unhappy if you both continue to work. So if you leave work then there is a chance that at least one of you will happy.

 

[REattempt]

Try this on him...hand make a card and write this in your own hand with your personalized request that you want to experience life with him...good luck!

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, he said:

“Man.
Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;
the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;
he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

 

[Fishingmn]

Sounds to me like you guys need marriage counseling more than anything. I would just make plans to retire for yourself. Can't make him do it if he refuses and you should do what's best for your own happiness.

 

[MichaelB]

Is this him?

We've done well, and I'm at the top of my profession. It took time, years of effort, focus and really hard work but has paid off. We have excellent incomes, save most of the money, don't flaunt it and aren't wasteful. My job is ultra-demanding, however, my workplace predatory and super-competitive, I can't afford to let up now. One slip and I'm history. A couple more years of this and we'll be home free.

My wife wants me to quit. She doesn't get it. If I leave now, and it doesn't work out, I'll never get back in. You get one shot at this prize, this is my moment, and walking away now doesn't make sense. All we need is a bit more time.

Balance in life isn't easy, we all do the best we can. If he doesn't see what you do, telling him he's wrong isn't likely to help. Does he have a retirement target that is specific like yours? You really cannot reconcile differences until they are first made clear, and he may need help articulating his.

A little more exposure to what life would be like after work. More frequent short getaways for the two of you in the meantime.

 

[ivinsfan]

Instead of going for RE or even part time could you possibly start with an even smaller bite. Perhaps you plan a genuine vacation for the 2 of you. No one is so important that they can't be absent for 2 or 3 weeks. It might not be ideal for him to be away, but I don't believe it can't be done.

A lot of people with long term high stress lose the ability to think rationally. They can focus on their work, but have tunnel vision on everything else. Think of a vacation as a chance for him to try and hit the reset button. Now, if he tells you he can never leave his office ever, your are just going to have to plan a long term life for yourself
because if and when he finally leaves his work, he will be a lot worse for wear and he might be the type that will perish at his desk. You might also ask him to get regular physicals so a doctor could weigh in if health problems start to crop up.

 

[Unpaintedhuffhines]

I can relate to your husband, at least to some extent. I left a similar high stress job making $500K/year about 2-1/2 months ago. Essentially an unlimited expense budget, so I'd take clients to dinner all the time (and spending $200/person was nothing), 90% of the time I flew, I was in the front of the bus, I had a *lot* of stock options that would vest every year, and I was viewed with a ton of respect within my company.

While I didn't have the cheddar that you have, I had enough to live a lifestyle that I was quite comfortable with. My DW was 100% supportive, and is going to continue to work another 2-3 years because she wants to.

What I did have was the stress. I went in early most days (6-7), and stayed late. I was constantly having to deal with crisis. I'd have personnel issues to deal with, customer escalations, and executives expecting more and more from me. I decided that life was way too short to spend it earning money that I will never need.

So I decided about a year ago to take a one year sabbatical. I wouldn't surprise me if that one year turned into forever. It has been the most stress free time of my life, and I absolutely love it.

 

[Totoro]

The issue is not the money, that's for sure. The fact that you get into trouble for not working when DH is, seems a big tell.

Maybe find out what's behind that. Could be keeping up with neighbors, I know a guy making over a million a year who feels inadequate because his hedge fund buddies make a multiple of that. Or he has been doing this for so long, might not see the alternatives. The life you talk about, however miserable it may be, is hard to get away from.

Financially you would have a $200k / $8M = 2.5% withdrawal rate. Or a different look, every year you work adds +/- 5% to net worth. What difference does that still make?

Maybe try a joint sabbatical of six months? Doubt you can talk to him right now, he's high-alert stress mode all the time.

Just some thoughts, not sure if they help.

 

[Chuckanut]

This quote is attributed to the late Howard Hughes though I can't verify it:

"Anybody who thinks money is more valuable than time, needs to talk to a rich, old man."

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I was flipping through a magazine yesterday and came across an article on the VC firms funding start ups in Silicon Valley and how many billions a lot of the VC partners were making, and how they were always on the look out for new companies that met their criteria. The article described one partner as driven by fear and talked about how aggressive he would get with the start up founders who delivered their pitch presentation to him looking for funding. The meetings sounded just horrible, filled with tension and intentional bullying to see how the founders would hold up to the stress.

I just thought wow, all the people in the article sounded like they were highly stressed and one cheeseburger away from a heart attack, and all that money and they aren't using it to buy tranquility or happiness. If the first billion doesn't buy happiness and security, I don't think they are going to find it in the second billion.

 

[ER1970]

I have known people making that kind of money, even older that cannot consider retiring. They have been FI for a long time, but retirement is not something even on their radar. One thing I think is that 500K/yr people hang out with other 500K or 1M people and that has a profound effect on their thinking and emotions. Status seeking can be a profound motivator, and stress a powerful and addictive drug. Don't know if this is your DH's issue, but always hanging out with similar types can be a real trap. And if he is at work or thinking about work most of his waking hours, it is hard to escape.

You nailed this one for sure! It's definitely DH's huge problem-- hanging out with fellows that are in similar situation, high earning but miserable and intense. Once a friend of his said something like, he is miserable at work but won't consider retiring and moving to a lower-cost area because he would be seen as "a loser" if he did. Stupid comment IMO, but you are right it can influence DH's mindset, big time.

 

[ER1970]

So I decided about a year ago to take a one year sabbatical. I wouldn't surprise me if that one year turned into forever. It has been the most stress free time of my life, and I absolutely love it.

Good for you! So glad to hear you were in a similar situation and was brave enough to put a stop to it. How old were you when you decided enough is enough, if I may ask?

 

[Meadbh]

I'm not married, so anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt. And forgive me if I appear blunt. I tend to call a spade a spade.

Based on your side of the story, DH's job is killing him. The problem may be neatly resolved any day now when he keels over and dies of a heart attack, leaving you a very rich widow. Of course, if it's a non fatal stroke, you could end up a caregiver with a declining portfolio. He has $$$$ in disability insurance, I hope??

You say you have attempted to reason with him to no avail. Fair enough; he is too enmeshed in his position of power and influence, and he feels so important that he expects you to wait on him. Time to bring in some ammunition. Demand marriage counseling. Use an objective facilitator to mediate a solution that meets both your needs. At a minimum, this should include a more balanced schedule and individual vacations for you. If he is still intransigent, tell him you are leaving him. Hire a good lawyer. You should get a nice divorce settlement. You deserve it, because he could not have earned all that money without your support.

 

[haha]

You nailed this one for sure! It's definitely DH's huge problem-- hanging out with fellows that are in similar situation, high earning but miserable and intense. Once a friend of his said something like, he is miserable at work but won't consider retiring and moving to a lower-cost area because he would be seen as "a loser" if he did. Stupid comment IMO, but you are right it can influence DH's mindset, big time.

If retiring means a mandatory move to a lower cost area, at least from one way of looking at it, he was not exactly ready to retire.


Ha

 

[ER1970]

I'm not married, so anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt. And forgive me if I appear blunt. I tend to call a spade a spade.

Based on your side of the story, DH's job is killing him. The problem may be neatly resolved any day now when he keels over and dies of a heart attack, leaving you a very rich widow. Of course, if it's a non fatal stroke, you could end up a caregiver with a declining portfolio. He has $$$$ in disability insurance, I hope??

You say you have attempted to reason with him to no avail. Fair enough; he is too enmeshed in his position of power and influence, and he feels so important that he expects you to wait on him. Time to bring in some ammunition. Demand marriage counseling. Use an objective facilitator to mediate a solution that meets both your needs. At a minimum, this should include a more balanced schedule and individual vacations for you. If he is still intransigent, tell him you are leaving him. Hire a good lawyer. You should get a nice divorce settlement. You deserve it, because he could not have earned all that money without your support.

Yes $$$ in disability insurance. No lawyer yet, but shouldn't have problem finding a good one if the need arises.
Thanks for the suggestions! Although blunt, they are honestly the bottom lines here if things don't change or improve.

 

[haha]

Yes $$$ in disability insurance. No lawyer yet, but shouldn't have problem finding a good one if the need arises.
Thanks for the suggestions! Although blunt, they are honestly the bottom lines here if things don't change or improve.

The money advice here is sometimes good, sometimes not. But the personal advice is often less than wise.

Young men, bookmark this thread so you can review it when you are considering marriage.

Ha

 

[Meadbh]

The money advice here is sometimes good, sometimes not. But the personal advice is often less than wise.

Young men, bookmark this thread so you can review it when you are considering marriage.

Ha

Young women should bookmark it too. Marriage is a trap.