How do you convince your spouse to RE?

[scrinch]

I'm finishing up some training on influencing people, and some of the things the instructor stressed were:
1. Go into conversations with an open mind and heart;
2. Be curious about your DH - tell him you want to understand him, and ask why it's important to him to keep working;
3. Remember that he's a person, not an object to boss around.

The trick is to really honestly do these things. Ask him to tell you why it's important. Ask open-ended, non-leading questions if you need clarification. And then keep your mouth shut. Don't give any opinions, just tell him you'd like a few days to digest what he has said. You may be surprised at what you hear, and the extra insight into your husband's mind.

I also recommend visiting a professional as a neutral third party. If both partners go to a counselor with an honest desire to improve the relationship, it can be very helpful. And if he won't go with you, go alone.

Then and only then would I recommend just retiring and letting him deal with his own feelings. If he isn't practiced at doing this already, it's a little too much like throwing a kid into the deep end of the pool to teach them to swim.

Divorce is a last resort. I know people can be really flippant online, but don't even let the word cross your lips until all other options have been tried and you're both still miserable.

Excellent, excellent advice.

 

[NW-Bound]

Young men, bookmark this thread so you can review it when you are considering marriage.

Ha

Young women should bookmark it too. Marriage is a trap.

I just now look at the thread. What I see is that the husband makes $500K/yr, the wife makes $120K. Networth is $8M. Assuming that they have been at their job for a while, the husband contributes the most to the NW. Now, if they get divorced, the wife gets 1/2. If it is a trap, it's not a bad trap!

What I see is that it is a compatibility issue. One is a workaholic, the other is more laid back. This has been going on for a while, else they cannot get two nice homes paid for. And the ongoing expenses may be a lot higher than for ordinary people. Perhaps that's why the husband is afraid to scale back his income, or rather just drop it as no part-time work is feasible. It takes time to adjust. It's too hard to downshift from overdrive to 1st gear. They have my sympathy, but I do not know what to say, other than for the wife to continue to persuade her husband.

 

[ER1970]

Just wanted to give a quick update since my last post couple months ago.
After several serious talks with DH, he finally agreed/promised to RETIRE in just 3 years. Yay!
As for me, I recently got a major promotion at work. It's bitter sweet: I was really looking forward to ER, but at the same time I love the feeling of career as well as self accomplishment... you get the picture. The promotion will allow me to travel globally quite a bit, which I love. So I've decided (well, almost) to stick with my job for another 3 years, and see where it leads me...
In 2017, 3 years from now we will revisit/materialize our ER plan: downsize to 1 home, plan long global trips 2-3 times a year, snowbird in the winter months, and enjoy/develop hobbies...
The funny thing is, after trying so hard and so long to convince DH to retire, I may decide to stay with my job even after DH retires! My job is quite stable, provides very decent benefits, and now gives me great travel opportunities, DH can go on my health insurance (which is better than his current one provided by his mega crop) and tag along when I go on business trips.
Well, we shall see... But for now, things seem to work out pretty well. Thanks a lot everyone for your help and suggestions! Love this forum!

 

[gofan316]

The funny thing is, after trying so hard and so long to convince DH to retire, I may decide to stay with my job even after DH retires

fast forward to here, and a happy ending...

 

[2B]

Just wanted to give a quick update since my last post couple months ago.
I may decide to stay with my job even after DH retires! My job is quite stable, provides very decent benefits, and now gives me great travel opportunities, DH can go on my health insurance (which is better than his current one provided by his mega crop) and tag along when I go on business trips.

Welcome to the OMY club! I've been a long standing member myself but will be leaving the club this coming January. On the plus side of OMY, it pretty much guarantees you with more than enough money to retire except for a financial collapse of the country as we know it. On the downside, it's rather obious. You're still working.

Eventually, even all the trapping of you working will grow old no matter how much you're promoted and pampered. Good luck.

 

[ER1970]

Eventually, even all the trapping of you working will grow old no matter how much you're promoted and pampered. Good luck.

I agree. And I truly hope in the next 3 years I will be so tired of working that no promotion in the world will get me to do another OMY!!

 

[eta2020]

You have a nice fat bundle of money. Enjoy it!

We all have to die one day and you can't take it to the grave.

 

[mexicoblue]

What a wonderful problem to have! Most men don't know who they are without the mantle of their "position". You have the money to do anything you want. I didn't hear anyone talk about volunteer opportunities -- they provide the purpose, passion and potential that you might miss from a job. I've been retired since I was 51 and the mantra here is "how did I ever fit work into my life?" There are so many things to get involved with and do. Good luck!

 

[Ronnieboy]

I bumped this old thread because I wanted to share a comment my DW said as she was going back to w*rk after her 9 days off between Christmas and New Years (counting weekends) her mega corp closes down production during this time. Plus after re-reading this thread I'm curious to how the OP had progressed

Anyhow, a little history. My plan has always been to drop to part time at 55 (6.5 years away) work 24 hours a week to keep benefits and probably earn enough to cover the basics and fully fund the IRA's, 401k. I say my plan because DW was always wishy washy about the idea of retirement and indifferent to the household finances since we've been married (28 years). I've always helped the retirement concept by peppering in comments at opportune times to keep the idea fresh, for instance when we were attending the wedding of a nephew that was out of state, I casually mentioned how nice it would be to have spent an extra day or two there to catch up or to not be rushed with the trip, or we could've taken the train if we had time.

Anyway, the night of DW having to go back to work after the long time off she was commenting about how she didn't want to go to work tomorrow, I'm really dreading going into work tomorrow, I'm getting anxious about going into work tomorrow, etc. Being the ever helpful DH, I said, "Wouldn't it be great if we were retired and didn't have to go into work tomorrow?"

DW classic answer: "no, that would be boring" Me: "Were you bored all last week?" DW "Well, No...." I'm hoping the seed is starting to sprout.

 

[Bryan Barnfellow]

Thanks for sharing that. It's interesting when a couple have divergent views on retirement or ER. It seems she served you up a nice shot and your response was perfect. Lucky for me, my wife and I shared exactly the same view on ER: let's get out as soon as possible. I will look forward to reading about your progress, if you choose to keep us updated in the future.

-BB