Thanks very much for all comments posted on this thread. Reading some felt very emotional.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not in any form or way short of ideas about how to fill my time! No!
Through last five years I have done a diploma in educational coaching, learned to cook various world cuisines to professional level and helped friends entertain many people on different occasions, travelled abroad 8 times for a good length of time, published a number of books, learned Spanish from 0 to fluent, taught Spanish and English to a number of acquaintances, did some extensive gardening and tree surgery to help revive a big piece of land of a friend, organised hiking trips and picnics for younger travellers every weekend for about two years, went to Brazil and Vietnam helping NGOs, and hosted many couchsurfers. I read extensively on Buddhist literature, and joined different yoga, meditation and alternative groups. I organised a few dance workshops which continued a short while. And I bought a fantastic apartment from bank foreclosures through lengthy written negotiations in a foreign language when I was a beginner, and I also helped three other friends do the same. I also gave up driving to be physically more active walking out and about (And yes, of course I sought medical advice, and I don't suffer from depression, remember most of us don't feel brave enough to share our vulnerabilities with others this openly , many of us don't even admit them to ourselves!).
In fact at some point, I spent so much time on my laptop/iPad working on my last book, and spent so much time reading online that wrist and back pain showed me my limit and made me incapable of computer work for a few months.
Then one day, I gave up this compulsive need to be an active leisure and pleasure agent. It was exhausting. What I lack now more than anything else is motivation and meaning in my life. And probably more than that to unlearn all my childhood programming that makes me identify my value with how productive I am work-wise.
I don't know for sure whether the social status, and public attention and recognition I received in the past is an important factor, or my upbringing and family ambitions.
Yes, I know what others think should not matter, but in real life, the disappointed and confused looks and comments of every stranger, date, or acquaintance (some of whom have done nothing whatsoever with their lives!), when they hear that you were a high flying, high earning doctor, and then resigned to writing a book every now and again, pierces through your soul one way or another.
The last straw on camel's back that led to my ER was when I learned that my role model, the man I worshipped, who was a fellow doctor, broadly published author, and medical business man, died of stress induced heart disease at the very young age of 54!
What I know is that my subconscious mind plays the most important role. I enjoy the evenings with a comedy or documentary that I watch eating the food that I have cooked. Why?! Because you are allowed to chill in the evening without feeling guilty. And funny enough, weekends are allowed to a certain degree as well! But I can't enjoy watching my favourite comedy during the day! I feel alright reading news, or something that helps make my Spanish more solid. I don't like to go shopping during the day even if the fridge is empty, probably because I find myself among the "wrong" lot of people, or within the wrong time of the day to be choosing between different kinds of peanut butter!
I know that meeting a woman with whom I share values and hobbies would definitely help. Yet, those women are normally working to pay their mortgage, and not many women with similar ambitions and passions of my age around on a sunny Island. I have dated a few times, and believe me or not, most women don't really feel amused by the idea of seeing a very highly educated and able bodied man of my age living a slow life of pleasure and leisure, when in fact he could produce **** load of money (even if that is at the expense of being in 2,000,000 debt!). And I look so well when I am well that people can't possibly imagine how unwell I could have been when stress used to break my back.
My ER was definitely the right decision as my previous life style was going to kill me sooner or later. And I planned everything by the book -then- being sure that ER in a nice and tranquil place and writing would satisfy me. On the other hand life is so comfortable and trouble free, and finances are so marginally and only marginally perfect, that I find myself trapped in this most desirable little paradise. I can't possibly find my previous positions in the medical world again, and can't afford living the same quality of life in a fast and expensive EU capital.
Writing this thread and reading through your words is helping put things in perspective. More so, as most of you are being incredibly tactful in your use of language and sharing your wisdom for which I am grateful.
