Retired early and baffled!

When I retired at 58 I suspected I might become bored without my job but I was sick of working for the state even though it was a professional position. I had did it for 19 years and previously was a SAHM and then a college student. For the first 6 months I decompressed and did volunteer work, etc. I started doing some consulting in my field and then totally out of the blue I got asked to teach an online college course and I have a Ph.D so said yes. I had never taught before and I love it. So I found my passion in something totally new and it is only p.t. and I can do it from anywhere. I have taught in Europe and on a cruise ship. I have not done all the traveling that you have done so we are also doing some of that and I have a partner. I think there are women out there that won't expect you to support them but will be fine with your situation. I think you should get out and try finding that special one:)) Don't be so hard on yourself-keep searching for the right thing for you.
 
@Medved: thanks for your comment. It was heart warming to read your words. And you are very welcome. Good luck with everything.
@imoldernu: thanks for your very kind words, also for sharing a bit of your story. You choose your words very elegantly.
@easrwest gal: thanks for sharing you story and your DH's. Practising medicine without liking it should have been taxing. It's a very demanding career. You seem to enjoy a wide variety of activities.
And glad to hear that your DH's talent is now being recognised. Hypothetically, being good should be enough, but realistically being recognised is a very fulfilling need. You sometimes need to see reflections of whatever is valid in you in the mirror of others to feel valued.
@Teacherterry: good luck to you and the teaching career.
 
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I second cyber888's suggestion about Buddhist practice.

You've been involved in some meditation programs, but the thing with most of those for most people is that the practice is not carried out long enough or intensely enough or with a technique or teacher that is effective enough, and so not much comes of it. A student may attain samadhi, but that's not enough. Many do not even get that far.

Also, understanding Buddhism from an intellectual standpoint is not enough, as you no doubt have read. That hunk of meat in your skull is barely a speck in this vast reality. Connecting a few more neurons up there could never create a circuit vast enough to embrace the ultimate. Doing so merely creates another structure that, lovely as it's creations may seem, forms incomplete and therefore faulty concepts constructed as they are from a limited set of facts.

To take the practice further and see clearly why you were born with that brilliant, expansive mind (and why others were not); why you have excelled at so many things, and why now you are experiencing some dissatisfaction; to see that clearly and share that message with all people, that would be a noble task indeed.
 
I have been following this thread. Not sure I can add anything that has not already been said. Lanquagefan, you are a well educated, well read, incredibly diverse person whose brain from birth was wired to achieve. Understandably, the PSTD from prior years of stress plays a role.
I can't tell from the posts if you are bored or lonely or both. As you said, "motivation" seems to be the issue. Kind of like "What now?".

A friend once told me something I will share here.
"We are not Human Beings. We are Humans Doing".
That rang so very true with me that I went, "Wow", how profoundly simple is that?".

First, Let yourself off the hook!

Second, it has been proven that happiness and quality of life in later years is highly correlated with the relationships we have (both friends and family). I find that true for myself but it is not casual acquaintances that I hold dear. It is friends that I share my innermost self with. You have not spoken a lot about a circle of close intimate friends.

Third and on a lighter note. Do you have a dog? A pet? If not, are you interested in getting one? I find taking care of something other than myself helps a LOT, especially since my children have launched and have their own lives. It gives a bit of structure and routine to my day. You travel a lot, so I don't know if this is something that would work with your lifestyle.

I am sure it is difficult at your age to find someone that is not working to pay their mortgage. Heck, believe it or not it is hard at my age to find that!

Best of luck to you!
 
I second the suggestion that you seek an evaluation for depression. How is your diet? That can be a big factor in mental health.

Also, I think I am not the type to live on an island long term. Are you sure this is really the right location for you to live? I like living in a big metro area with lots of cultural activities, day trips and activity groups.

Vacation paradises are what make people happy in advertisements, but actual happiness research has some really different findings. Not that you can't be happy in a paradise obviously, but the paradise part may not be as important as factors like number of social connections, getting out in nature, exercise, being a part of a wider community, cultivating gratitude and bonding with a pet. Writing books tends to be a solitary activity. There are many good research based books on cultivating happiness. Besides some mentioned already, I think you would find Tal Ben Shahar's work of interest:

Five Ways to Become Happier Today | Big Think
 
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I think the emotions that you’re going through are not that uncommon at least for the single folks. Most people who achieve FIRE have highly motivated goal driven personalities. Like you, achieving FIRE wasn’t everything I had expected. Yes, it was great in the sense I was able to travel the world and didn’t have to deal with politics at work, and could do whatever I wanted but I don’t think I was quite as prepared for some of the other aspects of being FIRED. All of my friends and co-workers still had regular full-time jobs so it took some time to adjust to the social aspects. Since I enjoy learning new things and interacting with other highly motivated people, I went back to school. Yes, I could have done a lot of the learning online but I choose to go to classes for the socialization aspects of it. (I have four degrees in three different fields – engineering, business and nursing). One thing I’ve learned over the years is that life is about the journey, not the destination so I hope you have a happy and rewarding journey.
 
I have been reading this thread with great interest. So many good suggestions and experience sharing!

I cannot imagine anybody who is depressed can accomplish as much as the OP, but I am no expert.

OP, your accomplishments since your retirement are just mind blowing. (I couldn't possibly accomplish 1/10th of what you have accomplished, or having the drive to... I sleep way too much, and after 30 some years in the US, my English is still not exactly perfect.) Anyway, despite all the accomplishments, I guess I haven't heard the joy that might go with them, so daylatedollarshort may be partially right, or maybe, you just need to find something that doesn't appeal just to your intellect, but also to your soul/spirit?

What would you like more of in your life?
 
@ sheeh1: thanks for your comment, more food for thought. I live in Tenerife which is a quite large island with more potentials that one could imagine about a tiny isolated island, and I am a cheap flight away to most EU capitals. As about your Q: boredom and loneliness both play a factor. Loneliness is partly due to shortage of the right companions, as there is no shortage of people with whom I can watch football and formula uno and get excited about it. Travelling helps, but coming back each time is not easy as you got to rebuild your routine and social connections each time and life becomes suddenly too quiet. So I have decided to stay put and expand my social circle and activities in more depth. I have dated a number of women over last few years, but finding the right partner as you admitted yourself can be challenging, more so if you are going to be choosy and prefer aloneness to wrong company.
@Fired: thanks for your comment. I am glad that doing different courses in person have been enjoyable and helpful to you. There is a shortage of professional courses available locally here, remember Spain is a semideveloping country in many ways, and Tenerife is a place that has been engineered for holidays and retirement. I looked for a course to become a master gardener to no avail, and am looking around to see if I find a mechanic who accepts an apprentice to learn about cars, I like the idea of learning to do something with my hands, and in a field that I know very little.
@friends: I have mentioned earlier that depression is not a problem according to more than one capable specialist who have given me a good deal of attention, hence I honestly don't need help with a diagnosis I am afraid.
I have shared my experience to learn from what echoes back, also the discussion per se allows us "share", identify similar experiences and emotions, and correlate with feelings and learn new insight.
Sharing one particular challenging area of my life doesn't mean that I think I have a horrible life, nor that I constantly feel blue! Far from it! I know perfectly how blessed I am, and very grateful for every single good thing in my life. I am also most grateful that I have the luxury of thinking, pondering and indulging in the idea of happiness, contentment, and fulfilment.
Thanks again for all comments
 
As a token of thanks to all friends who commented on this thread, I attach below something I wrote a while ago and later put on my wall. It helps put everything in perspective every morning, and reminds me of what is important, and that life shouldn't be taken for granted. Thought would be worth sharing:

Everyday when I "wake up", I see myself as a passenger through this journey called "life". I acknowledge that this opportunity is not to be taken for granted. Each day I ask myself how I would like to enjoy this yet again one more opportunity to be alive. I take charge of my thoughts and don't allow my mind to get my vision clouded by dark lenses of "interpretation", "measurement", and "comparison". I refuge to the "innocence", "simplicity" and "clarity" of "what is" available right in front of me. Each day before I start my day I spend a few minutes asserting my "intention" to be happy and to spread happiness along my way. We hear a lot about meditation, but somehow the importance of "intention" is overlooked. Intention is the quality within us which can rise superior to own weakness and to outward circumstances; the power of free will, a spark of the creative force that animates every living thing. By the natural power within us we can be what we will to be! We can choose to attain harmony with our bodies, minds and souls; and we can decide to express inward harmony in outward health, strength, success and happiness.
 
Okay, maybe I am an outlier here but I have no grand goal of accomplishing anything major or recognizably significant at all (but I am very happy that other people do because it benefits me).
I work because I need to in order to get to the point where I don't need to.
At work I am very knowledgeable and productive, outside of work I am very lazy (my wife will attest to this! :)).
I am not retired yet but it is coming in less than a year now. Once I retire my fulltime job will switch to keeping myself and my wife healthy, happy and financially secure. I may do "something"....but it isn't my goal.
:)
 
@Lucantes: we are all different, and finding happiness for you and your family benefits the world in very different ways as we are connected to the rest of the world and our happiness and unhappiness radiates and affects others.
Good luck with plans to be happy :)
 
Lucantes said:
Okay, maybe I am an outlier here but I have no grand goal of accomplishing anything major or recognizably significant at all (but I am very happy that other people do because it benefits me).
I work because I need to in order to get to the point where I don't need to.
At work I am very knowledgeable and productive, outside of work I am very lazy (my wife will attest to this! :)).
I am not retired yet but it is coming in less than a year now. Once I retire my fulltime job will switch to keeping myself and my wife healthy, happy and financially secure. I may do "something"....but it isn't my goal.
:)
Click to expand...


+1 I don't have any grand visions to accomplish anything special myself. My life is fulfilled everyday watching my children grow and spending time with family and friends. I strive to find joy and peace in the everyday beauty that surrounds me. My greatest accomplishment is financial independence and as I move toward retirement in the next couple of years all I can think about is how much more time I will have to do whatever I want including not doing much if I don't want to. I guess I am lazy since my greatest pleasure comes from socializing with family and friends.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum
 
@letj: I guess having a cohesive family around is a precious and invaluable gift and more so throughout retirement.
And socialising with family and ones social network are grand enough things to look forward to.
I think the biggest gift we can give to this world is finding peace, serenity, and happiness, and by nature these qualities would spread to others on our way.
Some of us by nature (and nurture) are more prone to happiness, and some need more work toward finding happiness.
Good luck with plans to enjoy your years to come.
 
languagefan said:
As a token of thanks to all friends who commented on this thread, I attach below something I wrote a while ago and later put on my wall. It helps put everything in perspective every morning, and reminds me of what is important, and that life shouldn't be taken for granted. Thought would be worth sharing:

Everyday when I "wake up", I see myself as a passenger through this journey called "life". I acknowledge that this opportunity is not to be taken for granted. Each day I ask myself how I would like to enjoy this yet again one more opportunity to be alive. I take charge of my thoughts and don't allow my mind to get my vision clouded by dark lenses of "interpretation", "measurement", and "comparison". I refuge to the "innocence", "simplicity" and "clarity" of "what is" available right in front of me. Each day before I start my day I spend a few minutes asserting my "intention" to be happy and to spread happiness along my way. We hear a lot about meditation, but somehow the importance of "intention" is overlooked. Intention is the quality within us which can rise superior to own weakness and to outward circumstances; the power of free will, a spark of the creative force that animates every living thing. By the natural power within us we can be what we will to be! We can choose to attain harmony with our bodies, minds and souls; and we can decide to express inward harmony in outward health, strength, success and happiness.
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing this Languagefan. It is important to live in the moment and strive to make each day count! Sometimes as we plan our futures and/or look into the past, we can momentarily forget this!
 
Thank you for sharing that meaningful passage. I will savor it.
As to your situation, I cannot help but think that your feeling of being unsettled or bored may be related to the fact that you have chosen to live on an island, lovely though it is. In my early retirement, I have realized a need to find new avenues of engagement and meaning in my local community. Mere travel via a short plane ride to cities in Europe is not a substitute for finding opportunities for regular engagement with a community. Could your choice of where to live be diminishing your opportunities?
 
@sheeh1: you are welcome! I have framed it on my wall to actively remind myself everyday of facts that we forget too easily.
 
@ Timsf: you are welcome.
As about myself: we underestimate the power of a few kind words, a pat on the back, and a heartfelt recognition of your goodness in the mirror of another person.
Tenerife is pretty big and has a very large population of expats. Nowhere is ever going to be perfect. I find the noise and fast pace of big cities troubling as well as the time spent commuting. The eternal spring here is a luxury that u know only when u actually live it. Life including eating out is incredibly cheap here due to policies of Spanish gov.
I probably made a miscalculation buying my flat in a small town. Yet, I can always move to the capital Santa Cruz which is a more vibrant city with more culture. And I havent necessarily married to Tenerife, if life unfolds differently and a love story, an interesting project or something else comes up, I am open to other destinations.
For now, I am going to stay put as each move entails losing your social network, costs time, and money and shakes ones social standing and connections.
Since the start of this thread, and partly thanks to insights shared by others, I have started this week with new hope and energy. I got my name on a paragliding course, joined a posh gym that offers every kind of fancy class and facility you can think of, planning to get athletically fit by the end of this year, met a local town hall manager today to help youth with educational and career coaching, and this weekend we will have a local book fair for British authors and I put my name down to be part of that event too.
 
languagefan said:
Hello everybody,

It all went as planned. I retired early. Own a flat in Canary Islands, no debts, and a bit of saving for the rainy days. Earn enough to have a simple life as I envisaged. Published a number of books. And after 5 years life has become incredibly quiet, if not boring. I am feeling restless for I don't have enough "meaningful" activities in my life. Went to Brazil and Vietnam doing some charity work for 6 months, and now life has become painfully quiet again.

The early retirement was well deserved. I suffered from post traumatic stress working nearly a decade in war zones with Doctors Without Borders, and even though it was long time ago, I remained fragile and stress prone working as a specialist doctor later for national health services.

I come from a very high achieving family, and can't somehow deprogram my earlier programming of needing to constantly achieve high and doing "important" things to be happy.

I thought early retirement in a tranquil place, writing, and living a slower life was going to suit me, and things went perfectly and even better than planned.

I am 48, currently single, divorced with a grown up independent and successful son. I feel demotivated to fill my life with the "usual" retirement activities, have already travelled widely across more than 40 countries and travelling per se has lost its buzz. Strange enough I am stuck in the middle of my latest book which is ironically about happiness!

I wake up late as there are too many hours to fill in each day, and lay my head on the pillow with relief that the day has come to an end.

Most women around my age are working mortgage slaves, or have complex situations left from their past marriages, and I don't earn enough to take over someone else's financial responsibilities without damaging my life style big time.

Life here is incredibly comfortable and problem free that the comfort zone stops one from taking risks again and making it rough again.

Having been a doctor is a kind of pain in the neck, as everybody looks baffled to hear that I retired to live a humble life and left all social "importance" and wealth associated with it behind.

Have been looking at options like doing a PhD somewhere, but it feels like complicating my life simply for the sake of it for escaping boredom!

I guess I am not looking for an easy answer, more like sharing, and hoping to learn from experiences of others.
Click to expand...
I think I have your answer. You need one or more women in your life, not to pull the plow for, you've had enough of pulling the plow, for your ex and also the worlds poor and sick. Time for a bit of la vida dulce. I'm sure there are self-sufficient women in Tenerife, take some of them to dinner, to a nice bar, to anything likely to be diverting to you both. And if a woman is kind of struggling financially, that does not make it your responsibility to take care of her. Let some other man do that if she can't do it herself. Make yourself available for fun, understanding, laughter.

Learn the laws governing marriage and sexual arrangements in your jurisdiction, get snipped, and get going. Doctors are popular with women, and not only because they are supposedly rich. You as a doctor have done important humanly positive work, and females like this.

The world has changed, and a good bet is to realize that many expectations have turned into grab-fests. You can have fun like anybody else, even though you have bee trained to look to "duty". But you have been mustered out of that period of your life, go enjoy your freedom.

Some of the happiest guys I have met have some kind of non-painful or minimally painful injuries which give them a living, and an excuse for putting down the plow. I have never seen one of these guys without feminine companionship.

Ha
 
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@haha: lol! Was not expecting this! But I do agree as the happiest two periods I had was with female companions. One was a 5 month long passionate love story with a polish woman who was a slave to a big corp job in Warsaw and we couldnt find a solution to marry our very different life styles and locations. The other a very passionate purely sexual liaison with a local lady that died down when the flames were gone.
I am well aware that having your other half next to you becomes a more crucial part of your happiness and patiently having my eyes open for finding hopefully my best friend.
Thanks for the tip. Your witty comments made me laugh!
 
languagefan said:
@haha: lol! Was not expecting this! But I do agree as the happiest two periods I had was with female companions. One was a 5 month long passionate love story with a polish woman who was a slave to a big corp job in Warsaw and we couldnt find a solution to marry our very different life styles and locations. The other a very passionate purely sexual liaison with a local lady that died down when the flames were gone.
I am well aware that having your other half next to you becomes a more crucial part of your happiness and patiently having my eyes open for finding hopefully my best friend.
Thanks for the tip. Your witty comments made me laugh!
Click to expand...
I am glad there was something there for you. However, I meant none of it as wit. White American and European men are broke to the plow early in life, and doctors more so than most. Just pretend that you are in a Muslim paradise, only fortunately you neither need or want virgins cause they are all gone, and I hear not much fun anyway. (no personal experience with this)

Ha
 
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Upon hearing that I retired, one of my uncles who just retired at age 72 was disappointed. He thought I should continue working and climb up the corporate ladder. I told him that my sole goal in life now is to live a happier life. I have no intention to meet others' expectation. I am happy with what I achieved already. To OP, you should be happy with what you have achieved. Not too many can say that they did what you have done. My suggestion is to take it easy, take one day at a time, and slowly build a new retirement life that you are comfortable with. What's the worst thing you can do? Go back to work, eh? ;)
 
Perhaps you could foster or adopt an orphan? That would bring meaning to your life, but maybe too much chaos. I'm sure you've wanted to adopt plenty of kids you've worked on through the years. What a gift it is to be able to do the soul-searching and self-discovery at this point in your life. Best of luck to you in your journey.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum
 
Letj said:
+1 I don't have any grand visions to accomplish anything special myself. My life is fulfilled everyday watching my children grow and spending time with family and friends. I strive to find joy and peace in the everyday beauty that surrounds me. My greatest accomplishment is financial independence and as I move toward retirement in the next couple of years all I can think about is how much more time I will have to do whatever I want including not doing much if I don't want to. I guess I am lazy since my greatest pleasure comes from socializing with family and friends.
Click to expand...
+1 Works for me! ;)
 
After reading the entire thread, I think a good companion should solve OP's problem. OP has said that he has tried, but has not been successful to establish a long-term relationship. I would like to suggest OP to solve this problem first, as other suggestions (pets, studying for a degree, etc.) might have to be altered once this problem is solved.
 
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