S/O forced to retire, he won't face it

Sounds like a major case of depression to me.
 
Welcome to the forum. Congratulations on being one of the more unique posts we've had in awhile. Unfortunately, you also have a pretty tough situation. The +1 below means I agree with Brat. You two need to talk about your life together and financially moving forward. A certain amount of communication is needed and that amount is a whole lot.

Do you have a minister/pastor/etc that you could discuss this with? The other approach is a counseler of some sort (marriage/mental health/etc) but that will probably be harder. He needs to have a "problem" to get help. He's probably perfectly happy to surf the internet and he's tuned everything else out.

Brat said:
Sounds like a major case of depression to me.
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+1

You didn't say how much in savings there is - retirement or otherwise - and what your expenses are. If you throw all this in together, do you really have a problem or is the problem getting him to tap it?
 
I'm no professional counselor (financially or medically speaking) but I can say that we noticed a significant change in my father's demeanor after his stroke. I hope you can convince him to take his Social Security and to begin tapping his 401K. Life is short as it is and I hope you make some progress with this situation.

Welcome to the forum by the way. Very knowledgeable and kind people here.
 
iditarod, if you haven't already seen this I highly recommend you read it:

Depression | Stroke.org

Many stroke survivors experience feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, fear, and hopelessness in varying degrees. These emotions are common with post-stroke depression, which affects more than a third of stroke survivors.
Click to expand...
 
Welcome iditarod.

I agree that he sounds depressed. Unfortunately, until he recovers, or at least starts the steps to recover, you have to fend for yourself.

You use the term s/o - so I assume you're not married. You also mention you don't have a job. That puts you in a precarious financial situation... I'm not sure your age - but you should consider taking steps to assure YOUR financial situation... Since you're unmarried, if he were die, you wouldn't qualify for spousal benefit on his SS, etc.

You can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. You can only take actions yourself and make changes yourself to improve your situation. I don't have enough information but based on your original post - it sounds like you should consider getting a job and adding to your own savings, so if things go south with your s/o... you'll have the means to deal with it.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear... and please feel free to correct any misconceptions or assumptions I may have made.
 
Sounds like depression to me as well. Drugs aren't the only solution, they're just the easiest. Therapy, exercise, eating well can all help a lot.
 
When someone has had a stroke they often become very stubborn & making them do anything is very difficult. I worked in this area & my dad had a major stroke at 59. He also was depressed but meds did not help & I am sure it was because of the brain changes due to the stroke which is different from regular depressed people getting meds. For example at one point he decided he would not let my mother bathe him anymore. Just announced he was done bathing. Of course he got smelly & wee had to have a social worker come to the home to reason with him. That did not work so they hired 3 people to drag him to the bathroom & bathe him. After that he agreed to be bathed again.
 
I am a little confused. He had a stroke, and has apparently recovered, but you are unhappy about the financial contributions that he should be making but is unable or unwilling to make at present. You describe him as your SO, not just a friend, so I also assume that there is some degree of joint finance. You mention that you have no job. Is SO also supporting you, or do you have support from some third party or perhaps your own retirement assets?

I am wondering, is there anything you can do personally to help in your joint endeavor, beyond complaining about his current state or trying to convince him to access his retirement funds?

Ha
 
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The only person who can change your situation is you. Time to figure out how you can help yourself and move on.
 
Since he seems resistant (stubborn, depressed, whatever the reason) to expand his work and income, it seems like it's up to you to bring in income.

Have you been looking for a job, or work you can do for home.

Again - I go back to the fact that this is a reality if something happens to him. If he were to kick you out or have another stoke and die - you're in a bad spot. Only YOU can improve YOUR situation.

I'm not saying you should support him - but at least you should support yourself if he's not in a situation to support you.
 
I'm a bit confused about the w*rk record of the OP. I did see the part in the original post about being a helper for the SO's business.

Besides that, what w*rk did you do ? Do you have financial assets to tide you over ? Are you employable ?

More information would be helpful.
 
It looks like iditarod was looking for sympathy, not suggestions on how to improve her position.

I hope she comes back.
 
Reading between the lines ....

Your SO has been supporting you all this time. You are nervous b/c his money is running out, and likely cannot/will not support you anymore. You don't think you can get a job easily (did you try hard enough while all these were going on?). Your SO may have issues after his recovery but I think you also have to work out what you are going to do about the current situation.
 
robnplunder said:
Reading between the lines ....

Your SO has been supporting you all this time. You are nervous b/c his money is running out, and likely cannot/will not support you anymore. You don't think you can get a job easily (did you try hard enough while all these were going on?). Your SO may have issues after his recovery but I think you also have to work out what you are going to do about the current situation.
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lol Has anything like this ever happened before. Nah!
 
You know what, I apologize for coming to the wrong place. I should have gone to a real face -to-face stroke support group.

Now that I've been called a gold digger, I'd like to clarify that would I would like is for him to *make the choice.* If he wants to keep working, then he should keep working, and actually work - not sit around surfing the net while I do all the marketing, all the accounting and clerical work, make sure he does his taxes,
maitain his linkedin page, try to get his web site up and running for him, write the copy for it, make sure he gets business cards, try to get him to read a book on marketing,
and all that crap, all the while also taking him round to lots of doctors and making sure he gets good care by doing tons of health research. And all the while doing all the cooking and cleaning too.

I am sucked dry. So PLEASE don't on your high horses and judge me for being
a gold digger, without even taking the time to read what I actually said in my OP.

If he chooses to retire that is fine, and if he chooses to work, that is fine too, IF he actually works!

I'm so sorry that I posted about something more than just what investments to make after retiring.

Yes, I really really know that I'm the one who has to figure it out. My god, I guess all those stroke survivors have to figure it out for themselves too. I don't know what the point of any stroke support group is? I mean really, how co-dependent!

Thank you to those who actually meant well. I'm done here. Can I delete my own thread?
 
iditarod said:
You know what, I apologize for coming to the wrong place. I should have gone to a real face -to-face stroke support group.

Now that I've been called a gold digger, I'd like to clarify that would I would like is for him to *make the choice.* If he wants to keep working, then he should keep working, and actually work - not sit around surfing the net while I do all the marketing, all the accounting and clerical work, make sure he does his taxes,
maitain his linkedin page, try to get his web site up and running for him, write the copy for it, make sure he gets business cards, try to get him to read a book on marketing,
and all that crap, all the while also taking him round to lots of doctors and making sure he gets good care by doing tons of health research. And all the while doing all the cooking and cleaning too.

I am sucked dry. So PLEASE don't on your high horses and judge me for being
a gold digger, without even taking the time to read what I actually said in my OP.

If he chooses to retire that is fine, and if he chooses to work, that is fine too, IF he actually works!

I'm so sorry that I posted about something more than just what investments to make after retiring.

Yes, I really really know that I'm the one who has to figure it out. My god, I guess all those stroke survivors have to figure it out for themselves too. I don't know what the point of any stroke support group is? I mean really, how co-dependent!

Thank you to those who actually meant well. I'm done here. Can I delete my own thread?
Click to expand...

Best of luck to both you and your s/o.
 
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I understand more about your frustration with your latest post. You said it's OK too if he does not want to work, and it appears he really doesn't.

In a earlier (deleted) post, you mentioned that he should be thinking about tapping into retirement but hasn't. Is that not a default action? What happens if you let nature run its course? Does he understand that the savings must be tapped or utilities will get turned off and his Internet connection will go dead?

So, the basic question is whether he is mentally competent.
 
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I'm confused.
Where did anyone call you a gold digger?

I'll admit I suggested personal fiscal responsibility in pretty clear, direct language. It's the same advice I give all my female friends. Especially those that don't have the legal provisions that come with marriage, but are dependent on their s/o's income or savings.... It's called taking care of #1, yourself. FWIW, I'm female.

Most self help groups encourage personal responsibility and accountability. You can't change the external world - only yourself... and the advice I gave you was along those lines.

I wish you all the best. You're in a tough situation, for sure. I hope you get the solutions/answers your looking for...
 
iditarod said:
...Now that I've been called a gold digger, I'd like to clarify that would I would like is for him to *make the choice.* If he wants to keep working, then he should keep working, and actually work - not sit around surfing the net while I do all the marketing, all the accounting and clerical work, make sure he does his taxes, maitain his linkedin page, try to get his web site up and running for him, write the copy for it, make sure he gets business cards, ...

Thank you to those who actually meant well. I'm done here. Can I delete my own thread?
Click to expand...
Actually, no poster here used those words at all. The folks here are very knowledgable and have been a great source of advice, in my experience.

You sound like you have very marketable skills. Perhaps you could strike out on your own for your own paid employment doing these same things for small businesses in your area.

I am a female, but that makes no difference to this discussion. My intent is to help you channel what seems to be a very high level of frustration into something positive.

Your situation sounds like one in which you need to put your hands firmly on your own steering wheel and go forward with finding paid employment.
 
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