Sam and looking to RE but DW work

[gauss]

Are there any other husbands on this forum with DW working? While she says she's fine with it, I believe there is likely an underlying questioning of this which could lead to resentment. It may not happen, but I'd hate to go the next several years with that possibility. I've thought about potentially getting a part time job and would be doing the housework that we currently share.

Not looking for someone to make the decision for me, but rather I'd like to know if others have been in this situation and how it worked out. The same goes for husbands whose wives ER'd. Don't want to be sexist!

Oh, man does this ever sound familiar. DW gets a big pension bump after 30 years (on the order of additional $0.5M in present value) and subsidized retiree health care until 65.

My Megacorp decided to stop all pension accruals back in 2012.

DW said she thought she would be cool with it -- but could not be sure until it happened. Giving her some words to offer to the curious I think may have helped -- "Seems to be working, but still evaluating it...." or something to that effect.

I knew that I was going to have to own my decision on this and be able to communicate it to others when questioned. Would not be honorable to try to hide this or avoid the question while DW is still working IMHO.

I was able to take a one year dependent care leave of absence to care for DM after her fusion spinal surgery. No pay, no benefits, BUT the wonderful chance to return to the job after 1 year.

This was like having my cake and eating it too.

We ran the year out. Everyone seemed quite happy with the situation, so when the company called and asked me when I was coming back, or if not please resign in so many words, I decided to resign.

I wrote the letter but asked for a meeting with the HR lady to talk about it before stating my intent to resign.

I told HR lady that I liked the company but things were working out for me now, and there was not a job that I would really want to come back to at this point.. I asked her if this would prevent me from ever working for the company again. She said "No", you are in good standing. We are not "paying you to leave" so there would be no block on future employment. She said that if I were to come back it would likely be contract as opposed to direct hire. I said that all sounds great.

I resigned and have not looked back.

I get up earlier than DW every day and make her breakfast. I do additional chores around the house to lighten her load. I am involved with several volunteer activities of the "white collar" nature that keep me engaged/challenged and busy. I don't watch TV, play video games or anything like that.

I am able to go out with DW during the week more often as well as go out with other friends/family.

I think everyone is cool with this and DW is now about 1.5 years out to hitting her 30 years and able to RE too. Time went quickly since early 2012 when I first went on the leave of absence.

We have had 2 parents pass away in the years since I ER'd. Being both only children, I was glad to be able to be unencumbered by a j*b during this time.

Hopefully my story will help you out and inspire you.

-gauss

p.s. One of DW conditions on this was that if things got really bad for her at work, she would have the option to join me at any point prior to her attaining 30 years. I responded that yes that would be possible. I think that helps her psychologically know that she is not trapped nor responsible to be the sole breadwinner. As it turns out she was promoted last year, but is still doing very similar work.

 

[mystang52]

DW is a teacher, gets home at 3:30. Notwithstanding her full support of my ER, for the first couple of weeks I made it a point to not be home at 3:30.
I just felt the picture of her coming home from work and seeing me on the couch reading/sleeping/watching TV was too much "in your face." Further, it at least implied I was "doing something" (whether that was running or just killing time at Barnes and Noble was beside the point).
And as already mentioned and resolved here, it went without saying the house was neat. Maybe I went overboard, but I left nothing to chance by doing this. In time, DW started leaving me honey-do errands which was fine with me. They generally involved little time, but it was time she didn't have to devote after a full day's w*rk. 3 + years now and things are fine at all levels.
OP - your post implies your DW is not fully on board with this. Tread carefully.

 

[gauss]

. In time, DW started leaving me honey-do errands which was fine with me. They generally involved little time, but it was time she didn't have to devote after a full day's w*rk. 3 + years niw and things are fine at all levels.

+1 DW had so little free time that taking stuff off her plate was a huge economic utility to her, while costing me very little in % of free time.

 

[kimcdougc]

I retired at 50 while DH kept working until 57. The deal was, I worked until our daughter finished college. I would do all the housework and outside work (except for weed eating)like mow the lawn, pull weeds, take down trash etc.

Didn't hear any resentment but on occasion I could "feel" the resentment. I told DH he could have retired 5 years earlier as we were FI by then. It was his choice to keep working those 60 hours a week until he finally realized at 57 that in 13 years he would be 70. That was all it took.

In retirement, so far so good.

 

[samsterdog]

Still on track for giving my notice within the next few weeks after certain actions are completed.

Looking forward to the next phase of my life! Thanks all.

 

[karen1972]

My BF didn't work for 5 years and we were great. My house was spotless, all the errands were done so I came home to a relaxing place where we could just spend time together and have fun. It made my life so easy I really appreciated it. Now our roles are reversed and he is working and I'm retired. It made it very equal and "fair".

We did sit down and talk about what would all be expected. ie how the division of chores would change and what we both expected which I think greatly helped. We also had a in depth conversation about money because of course there is always the risk that when someone is at home, they get bored, and either shop or get a rather expensive hobby... which obviously could lead to issues.

You'll get the nay sayers and people will diss the arrangement.. its pretty much guaranteed.. I know we got a bunch of crap especially from the neighbors, they felt like they needed to take a dig at us at every opportunity. However most people may say something up front, and then when they realize how nice it could be with one person not working and how much more free time that gives you when both of you are not working.. it kind of makes them pause. By the end most of my female friends were jealous I came home to a spotless house.

 

[samsterdog]

It is done

Haven't been on for a while. That's likely to change.

I am ER'd. Gave my 3 weeks notice and last Friday was my last day! It was (and still is) a weird feeling to leave a job in which I was employed for a long time and was making good money and while my DW is still working. However, for my mental state it needed to be done.

Woke up Monday morning a realized I didn't have to go to work. What a great feeling. So far I've been quite busy doing house projects, running errands, cleaning and other activities. I'm sure that will slow, but I have a bunch of stuff on my "things to do in retirement" list.

There still is the concern about how the DW will handle this long term. But I'm trying my best to ensure that the things she doesn't like to do around the house are completed. I've also sensed that my attitude has changed to a more mellow, no stressed one which should help the relationship.

Thank you for your responses and thoughts. Hopefully I'll be a little more involved in this forum going forward.

Cheers!

 

[travelover]

Congratulations. Give it time, ease into it. It will work itself out once everyone sees that their worst fears don't come true and that it can be a win-win.

 

[athena53]

I also have female coworker that has her husband sitting at home doing nothing, he lost his job like 2+ years ago, was on unemployment for long time and was not really actively looking for job. Now he is saying that they have been just fine living on her paycheck so he does not need to take job unless it is a super offer. After 2+ years on the bench she thinks there will not be any offers unless he will really try to get one.

It is different situation but boy, does she sound mad !!!

Yeah, I put up with that for 5 years and then divorced his a*s.

Current DH and I married in 2003 after 6 years of dating. I was 50 and he was 65. We promptly moved halfway across the country for my job. He was in advertising and actually managed to keep some freelance clients until just a couple of years ago, but you can imagine what chances a 65-year old guy would have getting a decent job in advertising.

So, he stayed home. It worked extremely well. He did almost all the food preparation and took care of keeping the cars and house and pool maintained- still does all of that except we no longer have a pool. His housekeeping wasn't up to my standards, but it was wonderful to have someone at home who took a big load of chores off my plate. I could make business trips to India, or Europe, and know things were running fine at home. (We had a lot of fun with the hotel and airline points, too.) I liked what I was doing and for he first time in my life I had someone taking care of the home front.

Probably what made it work in our case was the age difference (I had no expectation that he'd try and find a job after we moved), the fact that he actually did serve a useful function, and the fact that I enjoyed my work.

 

[harley]

the fact that he actually did serve a useful function

I feel vaguely like I should be insulted, but I can't quite put my finger on the reason.

 

[travelover]

I feel vaguely like I should be insulted, but I can't quite put my finger on the reason.

 

[Cobra9777]

Congrats.

I retired 3 years ago at 52. The job paid very well but involved lots of international travel, extremely long hours, a hellish commute, and plenty of stress. DW was very supportive of my decision to leave, as the job had taken a toll on my health and mental outlook.

We were FI at the time and the plan was for both of us to retire at the same time. But DW chose to keep working, mainly just because she's afraid she'll be bored and have nothing to do. She doesn't have the numerous hobbies and interests that I do. So she's unsure what retirement will be like for her. She knows we are FI and she can retire at any time. Her job is low stress, 40 hours, and her coworkers are the basis of her social life. She keeps saying that she's going to retire when all her friends do.

Like others, I keep the house and yard spotless, cook all meals, and take care of shopping, errands, chores, bills, pretty much everything. I also take care of her 80-something parents, including taking them to doctor appointments, etc. When I was a road warrior workaholic, she took care of all that stuff. So for us, it's working extremely well and we both like the arrangement.

Only problem is, we're both now a little anxious about how things will change when she eventually retires. We worry that we'll just drive each other nuts all day. Also, DW loves to go shopping and I worry she'll have too much time for that. We're not that FI.

 

[athena53]

I feel vaguely like I should be insulted, but I can't quite put my finger on the reason.

OK, maybe I should elaborate on "useful purpose".

Husband #1 was unemployed for the last 5 years of the marriage and spent his time on the couch, getting drunk, reading, running up fraudulent charges on my credit cards, and yelling at DS and me for everything. He once insisted that I go out to the deli and fetch lunch for him before I left for a business trip. It was Mother's Day.

Husband #2 is cheerful, supportive, a good cook, a wonderful travel partner, a font of common sense, takes care of home and car maintenance, and has been a superb stepfather to DS, who has gone from being an insecure, angry 12-year old to a 31-year old husband and father, happily married with a good job.

A good man can serve MANY useful purposes. Bring home income from a job is only one possibility.

 

[Sarah in SC]

I feel vaguely like I should be insulted, but I can't quite put my finger on the reason.

What she's too kind to say is that we measure more than, you know, when we consider our husband's value in the relationship!

 

[harley]

What she's too kind to say is that we measure more than, you know, when we consider our husband's value in the relationship!

Well, I also have been know to push a vacuum cleaner around.

 

[travelover]

Well, I also have been know to push a vacuum cleaner around.

I run things at my house, too.


Vacuum, lawn mower, dishwasher..........

 

[dadu007]

Even though I'm a good five years away from retirement (currently 55), I appreciate this thread. I was married late (age 35), we didn't have our first child until I was 40. DW quit her career job to stay home due to some health issues with that child. Had our second child a few years after that. When our oldest hit high school (two years ago) DW had had enough of the SAHM scene and went back to work 3/4 time. She is much happier being back in the work force, and having the new income is great.

This is great news for me; I'm sick of the rat race and have had a job since I was 13, and could retire (mentally) tomorrow if we were already FI. I am very good with chores, home improvement, and even already do most of the cooking (which I enjoy and she totally enjoys!); we already kid that I'm the house-husband. I've even picked up the slack on helping the kids with homework.
And she's on board with me quitting and managing the home when financially ready. The downside is that college expenses for the kids still await. Anyway, it's good to read how others have handled or plan to handle the situation.

 

[Markola]

This has been an educational thread to see how couples negotiate FIRE. My goal is to FIRE in 5-7 years but DW has little concept of it, which these posts make clear is a delicate situation for many. However, it should become a different conversation when we get to the point that investments can cover our lifestyle needs such that w*rk is truly optional.

 

[pb4uski]

....The downside is that college expenses for the kids still await. ...

One thing to look into/consider is if you RE a bit before kid #1 goes to college if you will get more financial aid/lower college cost because your income will be lower with just your DW working.