Split personality

[TANSTAAFL]

I suppose we've all been there:

"You're too young to retire."
"What will you do?"

Unfortunately, those are quotes from my DW. She then quickly adds, "What will I do with YOU?" (Emphasis hers)

Sigh. I'll keep working on the numbers.

Thank you all for being here and sharing.

 

[RunningBum]

Doesn't sound like a numbers issue. She may be right that you might want some idea of what you are going to do with your time--hobbies, exercise, volunteering, etc. It wasn't hard for me, but I've got friends who apparently like to fill every minute with activity and they just can't figure out how I can be happy in retirement. A little annoying really. Maybe I should just start telling people I'm writing a book,but I'm not ready to share it with anyone, and maybe never will be. But why should I have to make stuff up? So I don't.

 

[Rianne]

I suppose we've all been there:

"You're too young to retire."
"What will you do?"

Unfortunately, those are quotes from my DW.

You have my deepest sympathies.

 

[MBAustin]

It sounds as though you haven't been having conversations about ER for very long. DH and I discussed it regularly (at least a couple of times a year) starting in our mid-40s.

You know her better than we do so use the approach(es) you know work best to bring her around - for some, that may mean reading books together and discussing them, for another it could be making travel plans together, etc. We're here for support and ideas, but unfortunately you'll have to do the talking.

 

[Teacher Terry]

How old are you both and have you made plans for how to spend your time?

 

[imoldernu]

My Guess... age 54. Finances ... enough... Living in God's country, and not likely to move. No serious traveling in the past. Used to being needed, and will feel some guilt about leaving your position.

Suggestions...
-find some time... maybe a few weeks to travel together... maybe Hawaii.
-look for social life in the wider area where you live, and see if it works for you.
-widen your view of the possibilities, and work together to answer DW's question.
-as you know life is limited... plan to enjoy.

 

[VFK57]

There are people who like and enjoy their work and there are people who do not like, hate or no longer can do physically(due to health issues or injury) their work. On the other hand being in 50s or 60s is not easy to change a job. If you belong to the last group then continuing working means being under bad stress daily what eventually destroys your physical and mental health. If there is enough money to retire and you are in the second group, explain it to your wife and hopefully she loves you enough to understand.

 

[W2R]

Is she working?

If so, maybe she wants both of you to retire at the same time. That would be something to talk through.

If not, then maybe she is worried that you will be following her around all day watching while she cleans the house, does laundry, and so on (which would drive a lot of women nuts). If this is the case, then maybe some talk about other interests that you have, might help. If the idea of going to the gym more, or enjoying your hobbies more, or joining a ROMEO group ("Retired Old Men Eating Out") appeals to you, for example, then that might quiet her worries.

 

[Calico]

Is your wife already retired? Does she have established routines and activities inside and outside the home that she is worried will be disrupted by your retirement?

Are you the kind of person who can entertain yourself, or do the two of you do most activities together in your free time?

According to your profile you plan to retire in 2020, so you have some time to consider these questions and come to some kind of conclusions (together) about what to expect when you retire.

I am not married, so cannot offer any real-world advice. When I retire I will only have to answer to myself.

I do know that there have been multiple threads over the years here about this issue. I’m sure real-life married folks will be chiming in with their wisdom soon. It will be more valuable than anything I can say. Good luck and enjoy your retirement.

 

[HI Bill]

"What will you do?"

So, do you have a solid answer to the question? From your wife asking the question, I wonder if you do much outside of work, now! If so, then proceed at your own discretion!

 

[38Chevy454]

My honeydo list is never blank

 

[Dtail]

I averaged 65 hour weeks most of my career. Had no issues downshifting into this wonderful world of retirement.
Yeah no more having my a** kissed, so what....

 

[Sunset]

I second the question: Does she work at an outside job ?

When will she allow you to retire ?

 

[chris2008]

Outside work of her or not - what is in your retirement for her?
How might your retirement make her life better?
You both need to talk. A lot.

 

[TANSTAAFL]

Aw, it's not that bad!

She's 66 and has been home alone for 20 years (her choice) with animals garden,quilting, etc. Heck, she doesn't even like to spend money (or jewelry for that matter). She will never vacation for >2 weeks. A real "home body".

I'm 61 and gone 60hr/wk. Both parents and ¾ GP lived into their 90s. She's afraid I'll get bored yet the wonderlust is still there.

We have overlap in our hobbies and interests otherwise but not (yet?) many people in our lives to share it with. I think that is the issue.

FI at same after tax income at same level, 3% interest, 0% ROI until age 90.

 

[Aerides]

OP the picture you painted with those few quotes is one that (usually) requires a longer conversation. We don't know you or your DW enough to know if that is just harmless kidding, or the sign of a real issue.

That said, your retirement may change your relationship. For 20 years she's had her "me time". Her space, her quiet, her realm. Now you'll be there. She might welcome that but (rightfully) have some worry about how you'll jointly adapt.

That might not be more vacations together, but more you establishing your own interests, and your own routine that is independent of her. Sure, you can overlap some, but if she has her thing going 8+ hours everyday, and now you're underfoot wanting her to entertain you...yeah no...

 

[Al18]

I'm a few years younger than you, and retired last month.



Retiring is a process. Discuss it with your wife, show her the number, repeat.



Consider switching to part-time work for a few months as a trial run.



It's better to retire on your own terms, rather than be forced out or have a serious health issue.

 

[Rianne]

Aw, it's not that bad!

She's 66 and has been home alone for 20 years (her choice) with animals garden,quilting, etc. Heck, she doesn't even like to spend money (or jewelry for that matter). She will never vacation for >2 weeks. A real "home body".

I'm 61 and gone 60hr/wk. Both parents and ¾ GP lived into their 90s. She's afraid I'll get bored yet the wonderlust is still there.

We have overlap in our hobbies and interests otherwise but not (yet?) many people in our lives to share it with. I think that is the issue.

FI at same after tax income at same level, 3% interest, 0% ROI until age 90.

IMHO, questions that need answering:
-Do you find satisfaction, enjoyment, fulfillment, joy, a sense of purpose in your job? 60+ hours/week is a lot of time away from home.
-Are you/wife friends? Do you communicate with respect and understanding?
-Has your wife ever worked? Spouses don't always understand the life and pressures of the other.

My experience: At megacorp social functions, DH seemed engaged and in good spirits. He liked his co workers. We entertained and socialized with megacorp people. I did not (honestly) know how much internal pain he was in. I knew he had issues with company, boss, the typical stuff. He announced (to me) his plan to leave 2 months before he actually did. I didn't take it seriously. Then BOOM he came home and said "I'm done." He did get a nice severance package. No complaints.
I've always worked throughout our marriage, so I get it. Your wife may not understand.

A sit down is needed. With or without a third party. Third parties don't always help.

 

[TANSTAAFL]

OK, I'll try anew:

We have been together for 37 years and have a communicating relationship, are friends, no problems. Our 20+ grandson just visited and considers our house "home" morso than his own.

Going from 60 -> 0 and 0 -> 60 respectively will be a shock for awhile but doable. Some of those 60hrs is the wake-you-up-at-home-come-in-to-work kind that won't be missed! I identify with work but we recognise we are both happier when I'm away from it. We have separate buildings for our respective caves with some overlapping interests as well.

We have separate bank accounts with our own responsibilities. Anything left over is free to be spent however one wants. (Her balance is higher than mine. Hmmm.). She does the house expenses and I do the cars/boat/insurance/other. We share vacations and get treated to "dates" by the other. Her fiefdom "House" and mine "Office" will become "Inside" and "Outside" by design. All good.

What has changed, and, incidentally, brought me to the forum: Over the past years our housing options have gone from "I'm not leaving my home" to "Where would you consider moving" to "I'm not supporting this state's politics anymore - we're moving SOON". We're looking at a region in 2 weeks.

Two major changes just might kill me. Or her for that matter.

 

[Rianne]

If you move, you might have to retire?

 

[TANSTAAFL]

Yes. Recertification/licensing issues and a strong desire to avoid those hoops.

 

[W2R]

What has changed, and, incidentally, brought me to the forum: Over the past years our housing options have gone from "I'm not leaving my home" to "Where would you consider moving" to "I'm not supporting this state's politics anymore - we're moving SOON". We're looking at a region in 2 weeks.

Two major changes just might kill me. Or her for that matter.

So, retire first. Spend a year or two adjusting to retirement and preparing for the move (decluttering, painting the walls, etc). Then move at your leisure if you still want to do that. There is no reason for a self-imposed artificial deadline.

We did that and decided to stay in New Orleans.