"Alone time" and togetherness - - how is your balance working out for you?

[bbbamI]

I came out of the closet years ago ...

Guess you just came out of that closet!

Oops, rescueme beat me to that one...

Heh heh....yeah, my closet is getting pretty snug lately with all these boots.

 

[lhamo]

Could you look for a ranch-type house that has two separate wings with bedrooms/bath on each side of common living spaces? You could each have half of the house as your private space and share the kitchen and living room.

Or a main house with a little guest cottage out back?

I am also an introvert and eventually I would like something like this. DH has lots of electronic stuff that I don't like tripping over. The one problem with our current house is that I don't really have a space that is totally my own. I end up spending most of my time at the kitchen, working on the island. But it isn't quite the same as having your own dedicated space.

lhamo

 

[DayDreaming]

I've lived by myself for the past 25 years or so. Small house, big property, neighbors completely out of sight but I bump into them occasionally when getting the mail. I have a lot of interests and keep myself pretty busy. Been retired for a little over 1 year and have never felt lonely or bored. But there have been a few times over the past year (just a few) where I'd suddenly feel it was too d@#& quiet here, so I'd hop in the car and go grocery shopping or something. I wouldn't say I was feeling lonely, maybe just a little too cut off from the world - I think that happened in winter when I was even more isolated than usual (it was an unusually snowy winter).

 

[Walt34]

When we first retired and moved there was a lot to do setting up the brand-new house, learning a new area and so on. But in about six months it did start to feel like we were joined at the hip and needed to cut down on the togetherness for a while.

When DW started taking classes at the university one of the first ones was Marriage and Relationships and we ended up talking about a lot of things we had never thought to discuss before, and why we do what we do, how we got where we are, and also the differences in perspectives. Among them, things like why we abhor credit card debt and failing to comprehend why other people think carrying $10k in cc debt is no big deal.

One of the interesting exercises was that we both watched a movie, then watched it again, this time taking notes about what each thought was the highlights. Looking at the notes later we each expressed the same thought: "Did we see the same movie?" She wrote about the emotional issues, how people were affected by how others reacted to them. I wrote about "Just the facts, ma'am". She reacted emotionally to the movie. I dissected it.

So I'm still learning about this sometimes strange but wonderful person who is my wife.

We are both ISTJs and early on in the marriage leaned that when one got home from work to just leave them alone for 20-30 minutes. No one was upset with the other, not angry or anything, we just both want that down time to adjust to not being at work dealing with the intense goings-on there.

So now it doesn't bother either if one wants to go off alone to do something that the other has little or no interest in. At home she has the family room, I have a room in the basement - a nice one - to watch TV if I want. She's a channel-flipper, I'm not. She likes mushy movies, I like movies with lots of explosions.

So it all works out.

 

[happy2bretired]

I wonder if it would work to divide the house into "his, hers, and ours" sections. On HGTV I hear about "man caves" in the basement, so if there was an equally private "woman cave" elsewhere, that could work.

When my husband was living, he spent a good portion of his free time in the basement. Usually he had one eye on the computer and one eye on the TV and a third eye in a book. I spent most of my free time (weeknight evenings = free time) on the main floor. We ate together, slept together and had many many very enjoyable outings, usually over the weekend. We had our "date night" usually on Friday nights. My husband ALWAYS carried a book with him. He could always be by himself, even in my presence, whenever he opened his book.

Now that he's gone, I have the entire house by myself. I don't really call myself lonely, but, I do miss having a companion for those outings that I don't find quite as satisfactory when by myself.

 

[Orchidflower]

I figure as a total extrovert (according to any personality assessment test I've taken) that one of "us" should put some input in on this subject. When I was working--and I admit I have definite workaholic tendencies (to put it mildly)--I was managing and selling all day long. By the time I got home, it really almost irritated me to have to talk much or even make any decisions I would be so wrung out. So, even extroverts burn out on being with people.

So, if I were to have a beau again and I was put in a position of living with him I'd want each of us to have our own bedroom, bathroom, tv and preferably own room to relax in. Frankly, I could go a duplex easily.

I've had situations where the guy wanted to be with me ALL the time when not working and that just does not work for me. I have other friends I'd like to be with without him at times. Let him get his own friends to spend time with, also. To me, it keeps it more exciting than being together-together-together. I never have understood these couples that do everything together. Guess it's just not my style. Too independent?

And being with the same person all the time just..well, bores me quickly. I like to hear input and ideas from many others. And I like male, as well as female, friends to spend time with sans jealousy from a mate, and, since I'm totally faithful, I resent the jealousy I've gotten from my -ex and old beaus over this, too.

W2R, I get your point totally, really. Then again, I had a beau once that wanted us to "you go your way, I'll go mine." What's the point of even being together if you don't spend "some" time with each other? There just has to be a balance, but this guy told me he didn't even eat dinner at home except for Sunday when he was married to his -ex long-suffering wife . What was he doing then? Hmmmmm...think I know....

I say: duplex. That would work perfectly for me or, as a second choice, each has their own section of a large home. But I understand where you're at, W2R.

What's good about a duplex is, if you were to break-up, one of you could sell your half and move on gracefully.

 

[yakers]

DW & I spend most of our time together. She retired 2 years before me and enjoyed her time & space, it was some adjustment to having me around all the time. But we took a 7 week, 8,500 mile trip to arctic Canada & Alaska, we spend 220 hours sitting next to each other and loved it. We will be going down the Colorado River in a couple weeks, lots of time together. We do have a bit of a shared personality but this works for us.

Thee is the quote from St Paul that 'the two shall become one', in high school I thought it was romantic,, in college I thought it was misguided but I have come to see it as a simple statement of reality.

 

[audreyh1]

DH and I have never had to do anything special or make arrangements to get enough alone time versus together time. We spend a lot of time together, but we can be in the same room but each of us totally absorbed doing our own thing, so we might as well each be alone. Maybe there is a secret here - if you can do your own thing completely undisturbed by your SO in the same space, you can have plenty of alone time.

Note that we've managed to live together in very tight quarters for several years. Apparently some couples can't do that. But we don't constantly need to interact so neither of us has ever felt like we didn't have enough space or privacy.

DH sometimes refers to the motorhome bedroom as my "woman cave" as sometimes I'll linger in there with my coffee and read or web surf. On a particularly lazy morning, I might get the "So she's finally decided to come out of her cave, eh? Of course he facilitates this as he delivers coffee and breakfast to me in the morning.

Audrey

 

[audreyh1]

(I am uncomfortable mentioning it in this discussion but we have been together 48 years... and counting. Just sayin.)

Congrats! That is impressive.

 

[RonBoyd]

Congrats! That is impressive.

Thank you. But to keep me centered (the real credit, BTW, goes to DW), I refer to this:

The secrets of a 72-year marriage from the 'Original Grandparents' - CNN.com

 

[ksr]

Interesting topic. It's just been in the past few years that I've come to appreciate how different we all are in terms of our need for alone time. I never fully appreciated how much alone time I need, and that it has nothing to do with my wanting to be with or spend time with my SO.

My SO and I were together but living separately for the first 7 or 8 years, then he moved into my house about 9 years ago. So, we've done both. I don't think living together vs. living apart has affected our "alone time" all that much.

I need more alone time than he does; in fact, when we're both home he'll sometimes start following me around like a puppy with that "watcha doin'" attitude. Because he still works full-time, I'm able to get my fill of alone time during the day, but I do foresee some issues that will have to be worked out when he retires. Separate rooms (TV for him, computer/crafts for me) will help a lot.

Despite any challenges, for me the financial incentive to share a household is big. I also like the shared sense of responsibility, and honestly, I like the sense of permanence that we're both "home" in the same place. The only real downside I find is that I am always cleaning up after him. I could do without that. Our problem is that I have a much higher standard of "clean" than he does. He says I'm OCD - I say he's a slob.

 

[W2R]

Could you look for a ranch-type house that has two separate wings with bedrooms/bath on each side of common living spaces? You could each have half of the house as your private space and share the kitchen and living room.

Or a main house with a little guest cottage out back?

I am also an introvert and eventually I would like something like this. DH has lots of electronic stuff that I don't like tripping over. The one problem with our current house is that I don't really have a space that is totally my own. I end up spending most of my time at the kitchen, working on the island. But it isn't quite the same as having your own dedicated space.

lhamo

That is what we are thinking right now - - if not two houses next door to one another, then maybe a house with a full walk-out basement, or a tri-level house, might work out nicely for us.

But can couples live together and still find plenty of "alone time"? I am skeptical but in the past, many on the forum have said they have accomplished both with ease (though I don't exactly understand how).

I say: duplex. That would work perfectly for me or, as a second choice, each has their own section of a large home. But I understand where you're at, W2R.

What's good about a duplex is, if you were to break-up, one of you could sell your half and move on gracefully.

That does sound nice. After ten years we are deeply committed don't expect to break up, but then who does expect to break up after a long time? And yet it does happen. One problem with finding a duplex in Springfield would be finding one that isn't in an all rental, all duplex neighborhood.

 

[kcowan]

We met on an internet dating website back in 2000, and on the first date I told him that if the relationship worked out I did not want to marry or live with him, that I can support myself and expected the same from him, and that I was open for all the emotional commitment in the world but didn't want all the financial and other entanglements. It's amazing that he didn't run like the wind after that intro. LOL

My SO is also independent.Always supported herself beofre we met and still does. She values her time more than I do. She like to read quietly.

She has her den where she can surf the net, or phone or read. I tend to hang in the LR. When we get together we talk about things of common interest. In PV, she has her den and her bedroom that are equipped to satisfy her needs and I have the LR. We share the patio.

It is not perfect but it has worked for us. I travel to visit my kids and grandkids and she stays home to enjoy "her time". I often meet with friends without her to give her more space.

Been retired for 7 years and have worked our way through these issues.

So if you decide to cohabit, just make spaces that is separate and make sure there are no hard feeling about your need to be alone.

 

[Dawg52]

I'm single and enjoy living alone. Well also with the mutt. But when I need humans to be around, I can easily dig up some friends to be around or just drop in on my mother. I play golf almost daily, so I have buddies to shoot the crap with. I'm easily satisfied though, I don't need constant human companionship.

 

[W2R]

Interesting topic. It's just been in the past few years that I've come to appreciate how different we all are in terms of our need for alone time. I never fully appreciated how much alone time I need, and that it has nothing to do with my wanting to be with or spend time with my SO.

So true. Time together is much higher in quality when we have had plenty of time alone.

My SO and I were together but living separately for the first 7 or 8 years, then he moved into my house about 9 years ago. So, we've done both. I don't think living together vs. living apart has affected our "alone time" all that much.

I need more alone time than he does; in fact, when we're both home he'll sometimes start following me around like a puppy with that "watcha doin'" attitude. Because he still works full-time, I'm able to get my fill of alone time during the day, but I do foresee some issues that will have to be worked out when he retires. Separate rooms (TV for him, computer/crafts for me) will help a lot.

Despite any challenges, for me the financial incentive to share a household is big. I also like the shared sense of responsibility, and honestly, I like the sense of permanence that we're both "home" in the same place. The only real downside I find is that I am always cleaning up after him. I could do without that. Our problem is that I have a much higher standard of "clean" than he does. He says I'm OCD - I say he's a slob.

A "man cave" and a "woman cave" sound like they might circumvent this issue (which many couples have, not just you). This arrangement would provide a space where each could clean and put things away as much or as little as desired.

The financial incentives are huge. Smaller houses just do not often have the bells and whistles that larger houses have, for less than twice the price. So sharing a house makes a lot of sense from that point of view.

 

[W2R]

So if you decide to cohabit, just make spaces that is separate and make sure there are no hard feeling about your need to be alone.

Thanks for the advice. It is great to hear from those like you who have "been there, done that".

I'm single and enjoy living alone. Well also with the mutt. But when I need humans to be around, I can easily dig up some friends to be around or just drop in on my mother. I play golf almost daily, so I have buddies to shoot the crap with. I'm easily satisfied though, I don't need constant human companionship.

That is how we both feel right now. There is a lot to be said for living alone.

 

[W2R]

DH and I have never had to do anything special or make arrangements to get enough alone time versus together time. We spend a lot of time together, but we can be in the same room but each of us totally absorbed doing our own thing, so we might as well each be alone. Maybe there is a secret here - if you can do your own thing completely undisturbed by your SO in the same space, you can have plenty of alone time.

Note that we've managed to live together in very tight quarters for several years. Apparently some couples can't do that. But we don't constantly need to interact so neither of us has ever felt like we didn't have enough space or privacy.

DH sometimes refers to the motorhome bedroom as my "woman cave" as sometimes I'll linger in there with my coffee and read or web surf. On a particularly lazy morning, I might get the "So she's finally decided to come out of her cave, eh? Of course he facilitates this as he delivers coffee and breakfast to me in the morning.

Audrey

I think you underestimate your accomplishment in managing to live happily in such tight quarters for all these years! That's great.

 

[haha]

Like you say, your relationship seems very stable, but you are thinking of making a large change in the ground rules. Change introduces instability, at least for a time. Since you have said over many years how your current situation is perfect, and how you are both plenty well enough financed, why change a winning game?

I would also forget the side by side houses. As you say, hard to find and someone will feel that they have to take the 2nd best. And if you were to break up, someone has to sell and undergo the disruption of that. Ditto the duplex, unless you can work out a buyout agreement in the event of a breakup.

OTOH it would be fairly easy to find 2 suitable houses within walking distance. In this case, if something goes wrong there is no need for any change at all. Plus, there is no chance of disagreements about dividing expenses in a shared house being the cause of friction between you.

If you were all that into shared living it would have started years ago.

Ha

 

[WM]

I like Ha's suggestion of just keeping yourselves within easy walking distance of one another.

But also, have you considered renting a shared house to try it out? If you committed upfront to a 6 mos or 1 year lease, that seems like it would be enough time to tell whether it's a good solution for you.

 

[Khan]

I determined a long time ago that living in the same house with someone was not a good idea. Even the cat gets on my nerves.

 

[W2R]

Like you say, your relationship seems very stable, but you are thinking of making a large change in the ground rules. Change introduces instability, at least for a time. Since you have said over many years how your current situation is perfect, and how you are both plenty well enough financed, why change a winning game?

I would also forget the side by side houses. As you say, hard to find and someone will feel that they have to take the 2nd best. And if you were to break up, someone has to sell and undergo the disruption of that. Ditto the duplex, unless you can work out a buyout agreement in the event of a breakup.

OTOH it would be fairly easy to find 2 suitable houses within walking distance. In this case, if something goes wrong there is no need for any change at all. Plus, there is no chance of disagreements about dividing expenses in a shared house being the cause of friction between you.

If you were all that into shared living it would have started years ago.

Ha

You know, I think you may be right about this. If we lived within walking distance, it would sure be convenient and we could keep the ground rules are they are.

I like Ha's suggestion of just keeping yourselves within easy walking distance of one another.

But also, have you considered renting a shared house to try it out? If you committed upfront to a 6 mos or 1 year lease, that seems like it would be enough time to tell whether it's a good solution for you.

We would probably do that for a little while, but anything is easy to accomplish for a little while....

I determined a long time ago that living in the same house with someone was not a good idea. Even the cat gets on my nerves.

There are reasons why I don't have any pets! Though mostly due to a lack of desire to take on the responsibility.

 

[NW-Bound]

What Ha said...

Situations like W2R's and Kcowan's are different than married couples like ourselves or Audrey. My wife and I have been together for 30 years, and we rarely felt like we needed more space for ourselves, or had to signal each other that we needed time to be alone. Note that I said "rarely", because we do get into quarrels sometimes.

In the case of W2R, like Ha said, if it works, why mess with it?

 

[bbbamI]

I enjoy a little alone time during the day, but at night I don't want to sleep alone. I need a little cuddlin' time....then, sweet dreams.

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

DW and I are among those for whom each having there own space is a state of mind. We can go for hours each day (especially now in ESR) without being in talk or visual range. We do it in our individual office/guestroom or even when together in the same room. Then again, we can spend 2 hours over dinner just talking about nothing.

It's hard to describe, but after 40 years we just seem to know when to interact and when not to. It's the most comfortable arrangement for us and is not related to the house or to square footage (happens automatically at home, in the RV, while traveling) -- essentially anywhere we are.

I guess it's one of those things that every couple sorts out.

 

[Khan]

DW and I are among those for whom each having there own space is a state of mind. We can go for hours each day (especially now in ESR) without being in talk or visual range. We do it in our individual office/guestroom or even when together in the same room. Then again, we can spend 2 hours over dinner just talking about nothing.

It's hard to describe, but after 40 years we just seem to know when to interact and when not to. It's the most comfortable arrangement for us and is not related to the house or to square footage (happens automatically at home, in the RV, while traveling) -- essentially anywhere we are.

I guess it's one of those things that every couple sorts out.

Whatever works.
Everything in open to negotiation.