"Alone time" and togetherness - - how is your balance working out for you?

[Moemg]

It's easy to find out if you can live with them . Just take some clothes and pile them up messily on a chair in your bedroom and then place tools and assorted screws on your dining room table and set your TV to ESPN .. Also make sure you put an obnoxious overstuffed recliner amid your furniture (preferably something that doesn't match and comes with holes for beer cans) . Now the trick is too live with that for at least a month . If you can do you are good to go !

 

[ls99]

It's easy to find out if you can live with them . Just take some clothes and pile them up messily on a chair in your bedroom and then place tools and assorted screws on your dining room table and set your TV to ESPN .. Also make sure you put an obnoxious overstuffed recliner amid your furniture (preferably something that doesn't match and comes with holes for beer cans) . Now the trick is too live with that for at least a month . If you can do you are good to go !

Bingo!

Used to have a genuinely comfortable, yet singularly ugly easy chair. Once GF became DW she made a deal, she will buy any easy chair at any price that I find comfortable and she can live with aesthetically.
A few weeks of looking and testing, she bought it. Works like a champ.

Furnishing and decorating prior to DW was always from the early basement and late attic collections.

Edit add:

Oh yeah, time. We both spend lots of personal time close by but doing our own thing. There are times when DW says, isn't it time you go camping? Good hint. A few days away does us both good.

 

[Khan]

Just to say: I am female and am sloppier & lazier than most male stereotypes. I pay people to do housework & yardwork.

 

[Tigger]

The girlfriends I have lived with have been jealous of my time. (...)

My problem has always been that I am too passive. I find it hard to make my needs known early in the relationship. So I spend way more time with my so than I know is sustainable and I inevitably snap. Not sure snap is the right word, but what I mean is I quickly run out of steam and as a result I have no energy left to put into the relationship. So I end it. (...)

(...) my impression is that many here are introverts, like myself. So I'm wondering how people have made their relationships work.

Oneils, I'm very similar to you in this respect: in the beginning I spend much time with my SO, until my normal need for alone time kicks in again. The girl usually doesn't understand what's happening and gets angry because she wants attention and thinks I faked interest in her during the beginning of the relationship.
But unlike you I don't have the courage to end them. I tend to just hang in there year after year after year, until the relationship blows up.

One of my "solutions" to get more alone time is staying up very very late and living on very little sleep. But this is slowly ruining my health and my "good looks".

Definitely interested in how other introverts cope.

 

[grumpy]

It has been fairly easy for DW and me to get our needed alone time due to the fact that our schedules are significantly offset from each other. I an an early riser and a morning person. I get up and do my errands and activities in the morning. DW is just getting up when I sit down to have lunch. She often starts her shopping trips or other activities in the mid-afternoon and they often keep her away from the house until early evening. In the evening, from after dinner until bed at 11 pm I am in the family room watching TV or on my laptop (usually both at once). DW is usually in the office on the PC catching up on email, etc. About 9 she will join be to watch a show that we both like or something that was TIVO'd. After I go to bed, I really don't know what she does from then until 3 or 4 am when she comes to bed.

We both like our alone time. I actually would like a little more time for us to do things together.

 

[ksr]

It's easy to find out if you can live with them . Just take some clothes and pile them up messily on a chair in your bedroom and then place tools and assorted screws on your dining room table and set your TV to ESPN .. Also make sure you put an obnoxious overstuffed recliner amid your furniture (preferably something that doesn't match and comes with holes for beer cans) . Now the trick is too live with that for at least a month . If you can do you are good to go !

Just don't forget one thing - when the TV is on, take the remote in your hand and start madly channel surfing every few minutes.

 

[Koolau]

Do you get the right amount of "alone time" in your life?

No, but I've learned to adapt to a tolerable arrangement. Doing it all over, I would have done it differently. Having said that, it's taken a long time to "know" myself and my own needs for space/time.

Would you like more time alone, or less? How much do you have right now?

If anything, it would be more alone time, not less. I have very little truly alone time - see below. Our actual "interaction" time is relatively limited and has led to conflict (on her part).

Do you live alone?

Nope. DW and I married for 40 years. Raised 3 kids (long story, very short, not our own.)

And if you live with a spouse or SO, have you made any special arrangements to allow for enough alone time for both?

We've had several iterations of the "yours" "mine" and "our" space and time.
When we had the kids, I had a cave with a door/lock. With a firearm in the house (at that time) it was mandatory for safety (and, as it turns out, all of our sanity). Now that we have downsized to 2 BR/LR/Lanai, I have a "Les Nessman" office area.

Do you have a large house?

Over 40 years stretch -

House 1 - 1500 SF 3BR no kids

House 2 - 1000 SF 1BR no kids

House 3 - 2750 SF 4BR/w cave 3 kids

House 4 - 1300 SF 1BR/w cave no kids

House 5 - 1300 SF 3BR no kids

House 6 - 1100 SF 2BR no kids


Do you have separate parts of the house that provide areas where you can be alone, like a workshop or sewing room, or even separate living areas?
Or is your house just so large that you could get lost in it so alone time just isn't an issue?

Current place is set up so that we could have a den, but I'm getting vibes that she doesn't want me in a cave anymore. I could insist, but our compromise has been the "Les Nessman" office in the middle of the LR. I don't consider this ideal and it may change, but we're working on our marriage (hey, with 40 years, we've gotten some of it right!) and this is a compromise I'm making right now.

Are you newly retired and virtually tripping over one another?

Retired almost 5 years (she about 8) and we've rarely tripped over each other, but we've had to learn the hard way what works and what doesn't, space/time wise.

Or do you prefer to be together a lot, always, or even nearly joined at the hip?

She would prefer more time together (as in doing mutual activities together, talking more, interacting more). That has been her half of the compromise. She gives me "space" to be "alone" even though we are 10 feet apart and in sight of each other.

Tell me all about your thoughts on your "alone time". Are you lonely at the present moment in your life, or do you feel more like Garbo:

I miss the days when I w*rked and my company sent me off to someplace for a week or two on assignment. I could be so alone that I might actually get lonely, eventually. I loved it. I had a couple of assignments in NYC which were perhaps the most enjoyable times of my life. I got utterly caught up in the "aloneness" of being alone in a throng of people. It recharged my batteries and I was actually glad to get back home - after 2 weeks of being alone. Crazy? You tell me. I've missed that more than any other thing about my old j*b. I miss the folks I worked with, but not as much as the few times a year I could actually get lonely. I've considered suggesting some separate vacations, but I know that would be hurtful, so I'm looking toward 50 years of marriage instead.

 

[haha]

Good post Koolau.

Ha

 

[Orchidflower]

W2R, I have to go along with HaHa's suggestion of a home within walking distance then if the duplex's are in funky areas. Seems like the next best solution realistically if you cannot find anything next door to each other.

Maybe money and the cost of buying two homes shouldn't be the issue then, but the fact that you would be more comfortable on your own ultimately?

Finding something within walking distance seems the only reasonable answer in that case. I mean, how many choices are there really?

I do know two gay guys who were friends and ex-employees of mine who both got apartments in the same complex but about 1-1/2 block away from each other in a huge complex. Worked for them...altho the one's little Chihuahua actually ran away to the other's apartment once by himself (amazing how he actually found which apartment was the partners out of all those apartments!).

Seems there is no "cheaper" solution then but to just grit your teeth and both of you buy a home...and hang the cost!

 

[RunningBum]

Are you set on a house? How about townhomes in the same complex, if not side by side? Would building a duplex to your specifications be affordable?

 

[W2R]

Are you set on a house? How about townhomes in the same complex, if not side by side? Would building a duplex to your specifications be affordable?

All of these options are open. That's the great thing about being retired.. we can do what we please.

 

[audreyh1]

I think you underestimate your accomplishment in managing to live happily in such tight quarters for all these years! That's great.

Actually, I just think we are very compatible, because we have never had to work at it. Also, DH is very easy going.

When I first got ready to retire, I did have concerns about being together so much more, but it turned out to be a complete non-issue. In fact we pretty much would run most errands together, and we ended up not needing a second car, so we sold it within 6 months of retiring.

And these days, once we are set up at camping in a nice natural area (including at home), DH may be off for hours at a time chasing stuff with his camera. I rarely join him. I have my own hobbies to pursue.

Audrey

 

[audreyh1]

It's easy to find out if you can live with them . Just take some clothes and pile them up messily on a chair in your bedroom and then place tools and assorted screws on your dining room table and set your TV to ESPN .. Also make sure you put an obnoxious overstuffed recliner amid your furniture (preferably something that doesn't match and comes with holes for beer cans) . Now the trick is too live with that for at least a month . If you can do you are good to go !

Fortunately, not all men are made this way. And some of us girls are lazier, sloppier, and noisier than our husbands.

Audrey

 

[Moemg]

Fortunately, not all men are made this way. And some of us girls are lazier, sloppier, and noisier than our husbands.

Audrey

I absolutely agree . My SO is messy in certain area and OCD in others . He's a perfectionist when he does projects and he treats me like a queen so I overlook the messy areas but I did ditch the recliner for a more tailored version .

 

[Dawg52]

Here you go w2r, nature, separate homes, and within walking distance of each other.

 

[Meadbh]

Here you go w2r, nature, separate homes, and within walking distance of each other.

And frugal, too!
But not hurricane proof!

 

[RonBoyd]

But not hurricane proof!

Would be if located in Colorado.

 

[W2R]

I have to admit that any place I live in will have city water and sewage.

 

[NW-Bound]

But my lady, there IS water. And sewage. At the end of the hoses.

 

[kcowan]

Just to say: I am female and am sloppier & lazier than most male stereotypes. I pay people to do housework & yardwork.

Yes we had a maid when we both worked. After retirement, we kept her on. Now she also cooks the odd meal too.

We are in n aprtment where they do everything but I have made some planter and trellises on the pation which I maintain and stain. DW does the planting.

In Mexico, we have a maid and a mozo. Once the mozo caught me painting the railing and was amazed that I could do it!

 

[Walt34]

Our problem is that I have a much higher standard of "clean" than he does. He says I'm OCD - I say he's a slob.

I think every couple has had that discussion. I know DW and I have.

"You're vacuuming again? We just did it last March!"

 

[simple girl]

I really value my alone time, but not as much as DH values his alone time/time with friends/etc. We rarely argue, but when we do it usually is because I want to spend more time with him than he does with me. I'm needier than I wish I were, but at least I'm honest with myself about it! It's something I'm working on...

 

[Khan]

I think every couple has had that discussion. I know DW and I have.

"You're vacuuming again? We just did it last March!"

My ex thought he could out-slob me (the stereotypical male passive-aggressive shtick). I figured if I couldn't smell it and it wasn't moving...

 

[bbbamI]

I really value my alone time, but not as much as DH values his alone time/time with friends/etc. We rarely argue, but when we do it usually is because I want to spend more time with him than he does with me. I'm needier than I wish I were, but at least I'm honest with myself about it! It's something I'm working on...

IMO.......

Good for you...y'all need to discuss it.

Don't keep things bottled up...because if you do, at some point the top is gonna blow, or just fizzle out.

 

[Moscyn]

DH and I live in a medium size apartment with 3 bedrooms and yet we have ample "alone" time. It is vital for us to have 2 TVs as we have different taste in programmes. It is usual to find us watching TV on our own in different rooms. The club house in our building ensures we are not far from each other and yet enjoy time on our own in the apartment. Also, his business travels and my occasional travels with friends/family gives us a lot of time to enjoy the solitude in our home. Alone but never lonely.