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Old 08-02-2012, 09:07 PM   #21
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“Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.”


― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
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Old 08-02-2012, 09:09 PM   #22
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When DH and i married (32 years ago on July 29) the Lutheran minister required a "counseling session" before he would marry us. We took some sort of written test, which supposedly showed that DH was "perfectly normal" and that i was "hostile". I will never forget the minister sharing that. DH took about 20 minutes longer on the test so i was convinced he cheated. Minister's advice was for me not to treat him like a doormat. That got my attention.

Hostile, who? me?

Living with my liberal, kind, sweet DH definitely mellowed me, while sometimes i think his living with me has made him angrier. Give some, take some.

We do make a good team and i love, love, love being retired with him.
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Old 08-02-2012, 09:23 PM   #23
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This song always works for DH and I. Still gets us dancin' :-)


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Old 08-02-2012, 09:36 PM   #24
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Oh, it's time for music already?

I remember a song lyrics back in the 70s by the Carpenters, back when I met my wife.

Love, look at the two of us
Strangers in many ways
Let's take a lifetime to say
"I knew you well"
For only time
Will tell us so
And love may grow
For all we know
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Old 08-02-2012, 09:45 PM   #25
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Oh, and let's not forget what Jenny said to Oliver:

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
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Old 08-02-2012, 09:58 PM   #26
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It depends on what the sorry is for.

I often tell my wife I am sorry for various things, and I meant it.
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Old 08-02-2012, 09:58 PM   #27
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I don't recall any such advice, but then maybe that's why I am a divorcee.

It has been helpful for us to give one another plenty of space, so as not to suffocate each other. Along these lines, we feel it makes no sense to attempt to control or change one another.

Always remember that life is short - - may as well enjoy it while you can do so with your beloved.
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Old 08-03-2012, 01:42 AM   #28
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Don't go to bed mad.

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AKA 'always kiss me goodnight.'
Not exactly what I wanted to say. DW's uncle was a preacher and she wanted him to marry us. We needed a few 'councelling sessions', I went along with it. One of his offerings was "don't go to bed mad'. We treated it as "work it out now, no second chances". Turned out that that was the best advice I've ever heard about marriage. 35 years soon.
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Old 08-03-2012, 01:50 AM   #29
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Never been married here but have had a few girlfriends. I guess I would prefer to keep my advice to myself
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Old 08-03-2012, 08:38 AM   #30
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It has been helpful for us to give one another plenty of space, so as not to suffocate each other. Along these lines, we feel it makes no sense to attempt to control or change one another.
I tell myself "She is who she is, that's why you married her, dummy!"

Twenty-four years as of last Wednesday.

She's the best thing that's ever gonna happen to me and I tell her that every day.
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Old 08-03-2012, 10:49 AM   #31
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My mom gave me lousy advice based on relationships pre-1960, and I married the wrong person at 23 and the marriage lasted 13 l-o-o-o-ng years. So forget that advice!!!

However, I took some time to figure out why it didn't work. Then I married again and we are now married 11 years, and it's a solid marriage.

My advice is to be empathetic to your partner and to be willing to compromise. Even when you don't agree, you should work to discuss your differences and find ways to accept with what you cannot change.

So I didn't really answer the question that was asked...
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Old 08-03-2012, 10:54 AM   #32
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How about the old pearl some men share - get to know her mother, because that's who you're marrying. Not always of course, but it seems to hold true more often than not in my experience. And in almost every case the daughter will insist they are NOT becoming like their mothers, even though they are to any other observer.

In case any of the women here take offense, I suspect sons also become their fathers more often than not...and again, sometimes it's not the case. I am not like my father in many ways, but in other ways I get more like him with every passing year.
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Old 08-03-2012, 10:57 AM   #33
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Yes, I am a lot like my father. He cared about his children and always treated his wife as equal.

I even look like him!
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Old 08-03-2012, 11:12 AM   #34
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Don't go to bed mad.
We got the opposite of this advice: Talk about your issues while laying down in bed. There may be wisdom to this:
1. It is harder to hit each other.
2. It is farther away from potential missiles (plates, cookware, knives, etc).
3. It is easier to "make up".
4. You may even skirt the issue altogether and go straight to "making up".

No, I did not always follow this advice and I did not give it to my children either.

Going on 45.
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Old 08-03-2012, 11:13 AM   #35
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Oh, and let's not forget what Jenny said to Oliver:

"Love means never always having to say you're sorry."
Fixed...

And here's what George has to say:

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Old 08-03-2012, 11:20 AM   #36
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I look at my marriage as always a work in progress, so far, still progressing after 33+ years.
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Old 08-03-2012, 12:04 PM   #37
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We are coming up on 36 years. We've learned that it's a partnership. We don't keep score on mistakes or shortcomings, we just work as a team.

The only pre-marriage counseling we got was from my parents' rabbi who told us that he refused to marry us and that we should not get married at all because DH-to-be was not Jewish and wouldn't promise to convert and raise future kids as Jews. I was already no longer considering myself Jewish so we had no problem with walking away from my parents' rabbi and finding another officiant.

A few years later that rabbi had an affair with a woman from the temple, got divorced and married his girlfriend. My parents found another temple.

DH and I are still religion free and we are still married.
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Old 08-03-2012, 12:16 PM   #38
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Really interesting music by that fellow George Thorogood, and yet I had not heard of him.

I grew up with Santana's "Evil Ways", and am still listening to it occasionally. I feel so outdated.

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Old 08-03-2012, 09:15 PM   #39
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The preacher who married us. "Marriage takes 100% and its not 50% from each of you. Its 100% from each of you."

So looking back Im thinking that means 200% but then Im not going to argue with the preacher
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Old 08-04-2012, 09:37 AM   #40
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Interesting. I get more like both my parents every year (I don't see the point in denying it; it's obvious), and they were basically opposite types. I must be confusing as heck to my dear ones, sometimes.

Amethyst

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HAnd in almost every case the daughter will insist they are NOT becoming like their mothers, even though they are to any other observer.

In case any of the women here take offense, I suspect sons also become their fathers more often than not....
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