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Building new memories
Old 03-24-2012, 11:03 AM   #1
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Building new memories

I am wondering if there are others in the same situation I am in. As I move into retirement, I am faced with the reality that most of my adult life and its memories were with a person who betrayed me and hurt me very badly.

It's time to move on. Make new memories. How are you doing with that? What kind of memories do you wish to make? Will you be taking the retirement journey with a new partner or going it alone?
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Old 03-24-2012, 12:04 PM   #2
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There are a lot of questions wrapped up in your short post. I take the hopeful viewpoint:

Good memories need not turn bad just because someone involved in them, did turn bad. The good times were still good, and good memories are worth keeping. At least, that is how I approach such things.

Plus, common sense tells us that we are making new memories all the time, and hopefully keep gaining more and more experience at making good memories.

Some general advice would be, once you find a new person to make memories with, try very hard not to hold them "hostage" to idealized memories of the previous relationship. It's terribly unfair to them. I know this from having been such a hostage, for a time.

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Old 03-24-2012, 12:37 PM   #3
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Yes, divorce statistics tell us there are are a lot of us. In my case, much of my current situation: house, city I live in, furnishings, many activities - are all a product of joint decisions with my ex, so there is constant reminder of that. Painful. But in my case there are kids for whom much of this represents stability, so I maintain it. Even making new memories is complicated by past memories, but I persevere as best I can. I do expect that once kids are out of the house and on their own, that I will be very interested in making much more extensive changes, selling the house, possibly moving to another part of the country, traveling much more, and that will help create more distance from the painful memories. Yes, there were good parts that were still good, but the best part was building something together and there's no good cure for that memory. Time does seem to help.
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Old 03-24-2012, 01:40 PM   #4
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I tend to live in the present, though I sometimes worry about the future. Memories are like Amethyst says, they are past and if some of the players drop out of your present life, remember that they were still good to you and fun when they were there. In particular, I appreciate any woman who ever loved me, because this one cannot do for himself. And it really improves life.

As for divorce, to me the big question is the money. Anyone should always have the option to pack his/her camel and try something new. I would never remarry because of the loss of autonomy, and the financial risk. But I am not afraid of a woman hurting me. If she doesn't shoot me or put out a contract on me, what lasting damage can she do? I don't love you anymore? Tommie is better in bed? OK honey have at it, if that is your best shot I shall survive. I'll hurt bad, but some darkness will help me enjoy better the sun when it comes back out.

Ha
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Old 03-24-2012, 02:27 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Chuckanut View Post
I am wondering if there are others in the same situation I am in. As I move into retirement, I am faced with the reality that most of my adult life and its memories were with a person who betrayed me and hurt me very badly.

It's time to move on. Make new memories. How are you doing with that? What kind of memories do you wish to make? Will you be taking the retirement journey with a new partner or going it alone?
I never thought I would be divorced, much less initiate a divorce, but after 23 years I did that (fourteen years ago, in 1998). It tore me up for many reasons, including that this was completely against the values I had had all of my life. I was so devastated, he was so demanding, (and we had accumulated so little) that I gave him the house and everything else except my clothes, books, junker car, and a sofa. And then there was the fact that I was just four months short of being 50 years old, a tough birthday in any case but tougher under these circumstances.

This was not a good time in my life!

I dealt with it by doing a lot of introspection and soul searching. I knew I had to completely re-think the direction I was going in, because it had led to a dead end. Here I was, 50 years old, alone and broke. What did I want in life? How could I find happiness? For me, the answers to these questions came from inside. I am not religious but I delved deeply into spiritual writings of every kind, trying to find peace and calm in my life. The answer for me was not in any one book, but from learning to look within. For me this approach worked and I am a much happier, more centered person now. My decision to pursue retirement planning came out of this spiritual quest and habit of introspection as well.

I dated a lot, but didn't meet Frank until two years after my divorce. As for meeting the right person, if it is meant to be apparently it will happen at its own pace. It takes a while to be able to recover and regain trust. As the saying goes, time cures all, or at least distrust. Be protective of yourself and your feelings and don't rush things. It will happen.

Frank is a widower, and neither of us wants to jump back into marriage again. We have both "been there, done that" and like Ha, we like the autonomy of being single and we both want to avoid financial intermingling at this stage in life. Our relationship is deep, though, and everything I could ever want, in so many ways. He retired about three months after I did, and we live in our own houses, a mile or two apart. We spend time together every day and truly enjoy each other's company and conversation, without any concerns about smothering one another. Life is good, and in the past 12 years we have built many wonderful memories of our own.
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Old 03-24-2012, 04:03 PM   #6
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In particular, I appreciate any woman who ever loved me, because this one cannot do for himself.
Ha
Woo-eee, talk about a slow pitch right across the center of the plate.
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Old 03-24-2012, 04:07 PM   #7
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Woo-eee, talk about a slow pitch right across the center of the plate.
Well, I meant loving with the heart, but any way you look it it's the same. Cannot be duplicated or even approached solo.

Ha
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Old 03-24-2012, 04:14 PM   #8
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Well, I meant loving with the heart, but any way you look it it's the same. Cannot be duplicated or even approached solo.

Ha
I know. Just in the mood to poke a bit of fun, but I know what you mean. We are watching long term friends go through an ugly divorce and it is not showin either of them at their best (especially her).
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Old 03-24-2012, 05:52 PM   #9
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I went through a divorce in my mid 30's. Financially it didnt have a material impact on either of us, so I will address the emotional side. I initially thought that I was "old and washed up", but found out pretty quickly that was not the case. Then I went into a period where I enjoyed being alone or just hanging out with my buddies. Let me tell you they were jealous of the single guy even though by then I really wasnt that active, but not answering to anyone certainly has its appeal at times. Now Ive settled into a happy median of a great lady, but still live alone. Keys I think are: 1) Like Ha said, live in the moment, dont live in the past, and have an eye on the future. I have the same mentality and it prevents you from wasting your life away on things you cant change. 2) Dont be afraid to do things on your own. I went on a vacation by myself and felt like I would be a loser traveling alone. I enjoyed it so much I will hop on a plane by myself now anytime and look forward to it. In fact I am doing it in about a month. 3) I dont want to minimize the stress of losing " the one", but when it comes to dating, when you decide to, there are many compatible ladies out there. Just dont put pressure on yourself to find the next Mrs. Chuckanut on the first date. It took me about 10 years to find " the one", but the journey to get there was fun including the other lady friends I met, and the alone time that I enjoyed also.
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:23 PM   #10
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I did get some good advice from a cousine of mine. She has many single friends who have given up trying to find the right man. She told me "Chuckanut, you're employed, you're sober and you bathe regulary. That puts you in the upper half of men already."

Looks like my weekly bath is finally paying off!!!
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:54 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by haha
I tend to live in the present, though I sometimes worry about the future. Memories are like Amethyst says, they are past and if some of the players drop out of your present life, remember that they were still good to you and fun when they were there. In particular, I appreciate any woman who ever loved me, because this one cannot do for himself. And it really improves life.

As for divorce, to me the big question is the money. Anyone should always have the option to pack his/her camel and try something new. I would never remarry because of the loss of autonomy, and the financial risk. But I am not afraid of a woman hurting me. If she doesn't shoot me or put out a contract on me, what lasting damage can she do? I don't love you anymore? Tommie is better in bed? OK honey have at it, if that is your best shot I shall survive. I'll hurt bad, but some darkness will help me enjoy better the sun when it comes back out.

Ha
I feel a country song comin ' on........'
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Old 03-26-2012, 11:24 PM   #12
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I feel a country song comin ' on........'
Aw shucks, M'am. But look at my suavecito avatar, would he sing country? But come to think of it, tango songs are just country sentiments in spanish.

An aside. Usually it is hyperbole when you say, well she didn't shoot me, so it was not too bad... I had a great Aunt Eva who did shoot her husband dead. In the Old South she was never charged with murder, as it was decided that he had some killing coming to him. To me she was always more than an old lady who made pies and fudge, much more.

Ha
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Old 03-27-2012, 06:09 PM   #13
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Thanks for reminding me of this wonderful southern phrase

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it was decided that he had some killing coming to him.
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