Solo Vacations

[jollystomper]

In sum, I agree with the sentiments of "Its a symptom of a relationship issue" and "in your retirement you may be too dependent on her for socialization and she needs her time away". I have one of my retireed friends who spends the day in the library and senior center because his wife "kicks him out of the house", she needs a break from him.

One thing to consider - maybe go with her but do your own thing while she does hers?

For example, my wife likes to visit her mother and sister in Florida and do some vacation activities. I find these to be challenging, as they spend most of their time talking about controversial subjects and trying to one-up each other. Also, wife wants to sleep in her mothers house, which is a nice house but I kind of feel trapped if I have to stay there, for the above reasons.

So... my compromise is that if I come along, we will have a hotel room less than a mile from her mother's house. While they are doing their thing, I will do mine - go play golf, visit something interesting in the area, meet up with my friends in that area - and will show up again at dinner time. Then I will go to some evening activity (usually some sports game). If DW was to have a "pajama party" with her family and sleep in the house, fine. Otherwise, I pick her up and we head back to the hotel for the night.

This has worked out very well for us, even her mother is not offended (even though she did not like me in the past, because my wife is the only one of her children who is still married and has never asked her for money has softened her heart towards me ).

This may not be workable in every situation, but it is something to consider.

 

[Music Lover]

A appropriate response by the wife would have been:” I need to check with mountain soft because he’s planning a vacation for us and I am not sure of the dates so I will get back to you.”

And then she says to him, "My family event is planned for XX dates, can you plan the vacation for different days?

 

[rk911]

Paraphrasing Strother Martin said in Cool Hand Luke ..What you have here is a failure to communicate. IMO the OP and his wife need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Best wishes. Truly.

 

[martyp]

I would never choose to take a vacation without my wife.

Maybe you need to reconsider this position. Consider it an opportunity to go somewhere that you would enjoy and that she might not have enjoyed if she came along. Maybe a hiking trip, fishing trip, visit to historical sites, visit old friends that live elsewhere. Maybe a foreign country?

 

[rk911]

Maybe you need to reconsider this position. Consider it an opportunity to go somewhere that you would enjoy and that she might not have enjoyed if she came along. Maybe a hiking trip, fishing trip, visit to historical sites, visit old friends that live elsewhere. Maybe a foreign country?

I agree with MountainSoft...I would never think about, plan or go on a vacation trip without my wife. Period. End of story.

 

[ivinsfan]

I agree with MountainSoft...I would never think about, plan or go on a vacation trip without my wife. Period. End of story.

That's fine, is your DW allowed to go on a trip alone with friends or family?

 

[Music Lover]

My wife and I never take separate vacations. However, we do take weekend trips without the other all the time...usually golf for me, girls weekend for her.

 

[rk911]

That's fine, is your DW allowed to go on a trip alone with friends or family?

Allowed? She's my wife, not my captive. We're married and devoted to one another. We each have our circle of friends and spend time with them. Some of our friends are 'his 'n' hers' and we will see them socially together. As for vacationing separately I can think of only a couple of times. Once, when she flew to help her brother after knee surgery and me when I flew to be by my mother's side as she was dying. Neither was hardly a vacation.

 

[ivinsfan]

Allowed? She's my wife, not my captive. We're married and devoted to one another. We each have our circle of friends and spend time with them. Some of our friends are 'his 'n' hers' and we will see them socially together. As for vacationing separately I can think of only a couple of times. Once, when she flew to help her brother after knee surgery and me when I flew to be by my mother's side as she was dying. Neither was hardly a vacation.

No those 2 examples are not vacations. I was wondering why you were so set about not traveling separately and if your spouse agrees. FWIW..couples that take separate trips can and do love each other. The problem starts when a couple disagree on the separate trips issue

 

[rk911]

No those 2 examples are not vacations. I was wondering why you were so set about not traveling separately and if your spouse agrees. FWIW..couples that take separate trips can and do love each other. The problem starts when a couple disagree on the separate trips issue

Of course, they were not vacations but cited as examples of the very few times, apart from shift work and travel for my work (which I hated), that we've been apart overnight. Neither of us would ever dream of taking a true vacation trip without the other. What other couples do is their business.

 

[mountainsoft]

I'll try to wrap this up... My wife and I had a long talk yesterday. As expected, no changes or major revelations on either end. Two people, two perspectives, agree to disagree. It's not a failure of our relationship, and certainly not something that would lead to a breakup. It's one of many issues all couples go through, this just happens to be our issue of the moment.

She agreed again that she always enjoys the surprises and the activities we do. So it's not about the destinations, we both agree on that.

I am a detailed planner, spending months researching the areas we visit, trying to find unique sites and/or experiences. Planning the best routes, sticking to back roads when possible (enjoy the journey, not just the destination), planning where we'll stay, where we'll eat, etc. I factor in hours of various businesses, bloom times of plants, specific dates/times of concerts or other activities, when roads are open, and so on. While "just choose another week" sounds easy, it involves a tremendous amount of work and recalculating on my end.

In many ways, planning was easier when she was working. I knew her schedule and had plenty of time to finalize my plans. Now she's home and free to make her own plans. Basically it's down to first come first serve, and I took too long.

I will most likely scale back my planning efforts in the future, and let her take a more active role. It is difficult to arrange a surprise anyway when she is home with me. Vacations probably won't run as smoothly, and we'll probably miss out on some things, but I guess in the grand scheme of things it's not the end of the world.

The last few months have been hard for me emotionally. While we've been fine financially, I'm still a bit nervous with money since this is our first year of retirement. We're living on a fairly lean budget already. Add to that a seemingly endless stream of repairs and maintenance, most of which I planned for but did not expect to all hit in the first year. There's been sticker shock having to pay labor for things I've always done myself, and some feelings of inadequacy that I didn't do them myself. We're taking care of two aging mother's, which means more maintenance work for me. My mom is running out of money and I've been really stressed about her transition to medicaid later this year. And I have a long to-do list of tasks that we still need to take care of this summer. So yeah, I'm probably not dealing with things well.

I'm sure we will figure out something to do over the summer, even if it's just going for a walk or a night away somewhere local. Sure, I'm disappointed, but I also love my wife and want the best for her. If it means giving up my own plans so she can enjoy her interests, that's what I'll do.

So again, thanks for listening. I appreciate the feedback, even if I can't relate to much of it.

 

[Koolau]

DW has, over the years, taken several trips on her own as she could get away when I couldn't. No problem. But I planned a long west-coast trip for the two of us. I had always wanted to do (BC to BC - British Columbia to Baja California on US101.) She didn't really want to do such a trip so I announced that I was "going - with or without her." She changed her mind and went too. It was an amazing trip that we talk about to this day, almost 40 years later.

 

[Music Lover]

I am a detailed planner, spending months researching the areas we visit, trying to find unique sites and/or experiences. Planning the best routes, sticking to back roads when possible (enjoy the journey, not just the destination), planning where we'll stay, where we'll eat, etc. I factor in hours of various businesses, bloom times of plants, specific dates/times of concerts or other activities, when roads are open, and so on. While "just choose another week" sounds easy, it involves a tremendous amount of work and recalculating on my end.

I would find that level of planning to be overbearing if it was my spouse doing that, and I'd probably dread going on a vacation.

 

[Dtail]

I would find that level of planning to be overbearing if it was my spouse doing that, and I'd probably dread going on a vacation.

Not quite to the OP level of planning, but my fiance does love my detailed planning for our trips and would not do it herself.

As for solo trips, my fiance took a 2 week vacation to visit family in Dominican Republic (not able to go due to potential prostate issues, which turned out fine).
My daily obsession with Pickleball helped out very much, plus paid attention to some delayed house projects. Missed her terribly, but was fine with the trip.

 

[mountainsoft]

I would find that level of planning to be overbearing if it was my spouse doing that, and I'd probably dread going on a vacation.

I don't understand what would be overbearing about planning in detail. My wife has certainly never complained about it. To the contrary, she is usually pleasantly surprised with comments like "how do you find these things" or "this seems impossible". I often have family members ask how I find unique destinations too. It's no secret, it just takes research and planning.

If we're spending thousands of dollars and multiple days, why not try to get the most out of the trip? There's nothing worse than going to a destination and realizing you missed some event by a week, or a venue is closed the day you get there. Or discovering you drove right by something you would have loved but didn't know about. Even with my detailed planning we still run into places that are closed on days they were supposed to be open.

Planning in detail doesn't mean a lack of flexibility. We deviate from our plans all the time, and many times just happen to be in the right place at the right time. We stopped at an impressive Christmas light show along the coast on our last trip, and a kite festival a year or so back. I didn't know anything about them, but enjoyed the surprise. I typically only plan 4-5 hours of driving per day on road trips to allow time to explore outside of the planned activities.

We both love nature so timing can be a big factor in a vacation. For example, when are the flowers in bloom, when do the butterflies migrate, when will whales be off the coastline, when do the leaves change color, etc. Many times if you're off by a week or two you miss the peak, or even the entire event.

Some times I plan a trip around a single event, such as an outdoor concert. Since we're making the trip anyway, I like to see what else we can do in the area or along the way.

I am just a detail oriented person, whether that's planning a vacation, building a piece of furniture, or cooking dinner. If you prefer just to wing it and see what happens that's fine too, but I would find that stressful and not very enjoyable. To each their own... Me, I'm a measure three times cut once kind of guy.

 

[Aerides]

I don't understand what would be overbearing about planning in detail. My wife has certainly never complained about it. To the contrary, she is usually pleasantly surprised with comments like "how do you find these things" or "this seems impossible". I often have family members ask how I find unique destinations too. It's no secret, it just takes research and planning.

But surely you can understand how it might feel that way for someone different? Just as you'd be unhappy without having most details vetted in advance, some would much rather go with the flow and find such plans stifling.

Everyone has different preferences.

 

[Koolau]

I would find that level of planning to be overbearing if it was my spouse doing that, and I'd probably dread going on a vacation.

I would LOVE it if she did all the planning. THIS time, though she WAS the one who hopped on the computer and started getting our tickets to the mainland. I was proud of her.

 

[Bigdawg]

I would find that level of planning to be overbearing if it was my spouse doing that, and I'd probably dread going on a vacation.

We only plan the big stuff. The flight. The transpo from the airport to our hotel. We scout out some potential eating places. May make a res or 2 for a week stay. We are the same way with our budget/finances. We have both learned over 30 years that we are not that anal. Had occasions where we had to plan our day in 15-minute increments (for USMC resident courses). Drove us both crazy. Mtn, I respect your ability to plan in exact detail. Nice to eliminate much of the worry and plan in some nice surprises (blooming flowers, etc...) That is not everyone's cup of tea. Maybe it isn't your wifes either. Good luck to you and the Mrs.

 

[Chuckanut]

What I hate is when I would do all the planning, get all the details in order and then, a few weeks before departure my travel partner chimes in “I want to visit the last known covered bridge in that state sort of close to our route. It’s only 432 miles out of our way.” Of course that requires multiple rebookings of rooms and recomputing of routes. All that work to get that lake front cabin in Kitchy Coochy state park goes up in smoke. Ugh. You do it.

I do like let’s drive and see where we go trips. But, finding a compatible partner who would do that with me is not easy.

 

[Sunset]

We only plan the big stuff. The flight. The transpo from the airport to our hotel. We scout out some potential eating places. May make a res or 2 for a week stay. ......

+1

We will look up what to see in the area, but don't make reservations/tickets until there, especially if it's outside.
After all, it can be rainy one day, and that day we will go see something inside, if it's a sunny nice day we will see outside things.

We will plan during a drive to stop and see X, and just hope that the weather is ok for these on route stops.

 

[meleana]

I know I'm probably gonna be on the losing end of this one, but I need to vent anyway... So feel free to send the "suck it up buttercup" comments my way...

For the last year I had been planning a couple of vacations for my wife and I to take this summer. Like usual, I put a lot of time and research into them so we could get the most out of the experiences.

Unfortunately, my wife made plans of her own to go to a week long camp with her family in August, about the same time as the big trip I had planned. I was kind of hurt and annoyed that I didn't really get a say about that, but figured we could work around it. I was already annoyed having to work around various family reunions and whatnot.

Then a couple weeks ago her sister asked her to go on another week long road trip. I tried to voice my concerns about the cost, the long distance without me, etc. But it was basically another no-win situation for me. If she goes I'm not going to be happy, and if she doesn't she's not gonna be happy. I lose either way and don't feel like my concerns or feelings matter.

Sadly, we have had several really large home expenses this year so far (over $10K) so we won't probably won't have the extra money to fund the vacations I was planning together in addition to the solo trips she's taking.

So, right or wrong, I'm really kind of bummed about it. I'm not looking forward to being alone while she's off doing her own vacations, and I'm really disappointed we won't be getting away together this year. Heck, I'm probably not gonna get a vacation at all this year, and I may not have that many years left where I'll have the energy to take vacations like this. So it feels like a lost opportunity.

I don't like being alone, but I don't have friends or family to do things with either (not that I have any interest in that anyway). I have no idea what I'm going to do while she's gone. Probably just work on more home improvement projects like I have to do already. All the things we enjoy doing together aren't much fun for me to do by myself.

I would never choose to take a vacation without my wife. So I guess I'm kind of hurt she is choosing to go without me.

I think this is awful for her to do. I guess this is where her priorities lie? You need to have a sit down heart to heart talk with her. Maybe even counseling.



I would never do that to my husband and I don't even get why she would want to.

 

[meleana]

I would find that level of planning to be overbearing if it was my spouse doing that, and I'd probably dread going on a vacation.

Honestly I would love it if my husband would do most of the planning instead of me, with just some input from me. It"s a lot of pressure all these years having to be the one to do it..

 

[Dtail]

+1

We will look up what to see in the area, but don't make reservations/tickets until there, especially if it's outside.
After all, it can be rainy one day, and that day we will go see something inside, if it's a sunny nice day we will see outside things.

We will plan during a drive to stop and see X, and just hope that the weather is ok for these on route stops.

When we went to Vegas, I made reservations for higher end restaurants and a big-time event many months in advance. These venues were all indoors but would not have been able to do any of it if I waited until we arrived.

 

[aja8888]

Honestly I would love it if my husband would do most of the planning instead of me, with just some input from me. It"s a lot of pressure all these years having to be the one to do it..

Opposite here... when DW was alive, I did all the planning and she did the packing! We were sort of a team!

 

[Dtail]

Honestly I would love it if my husband would do most of the planning instead of me, with just some input from me. It"s a lot of pressure all these years having to be the one to do it..

I do most of the planning with some input from her and we each pack our own stuff.
My Ex used to do all the planning, but I swore I would not do that to the next lady I was involved with.