Cutting off adult children

[rodi]

prose - sounds like the conversation with your daughter was a good one. We learn through experience and she is learning fiscal lessons. Keep the dialogue open and help her develop a plan for independence.

My parents were my safety net - but they had restrictions/rules/chores that made living at home not my first choice. In fact, I moved out 2 weeks after my 18th birthday because I didn't want to live under their restrictions/rules. I moved home briefly while in college due to a bad rental share situation (roommate moved her boyfriend and her brother into a small apartment and yet I was still paying 1/2 the rent.) - and moved back out again 3 months later (as soon as I'd saved enough for the security deposit on a shared apartment.). It was good to know they were there if I truly needed them.

I'm planning on taking the same approach with my kids. My 14 year old already mows 2 neighbors lawns - which nets him about $100/month. (We let him use our push reel mower and our weed-wacker - but he has to buy the filiment string for the wacker - so his expenses are low.) We also require chores (some are paid, some aren't) around our house.... If I have to weed I sure as heck better see my kids out there weeding with me - NO ONE likes to weed - but it has to be done.

We've already told them that we're not buying a car for them - but we'll match $1 for $1 on a car purchase... and they can pay their share of insurance. If they don't like it we'll continue to buy their bus pass while they're under 18. We live in a suburban neighborhood - the closest bus stop is more than a mile away... builds character. I've seen too many kids not appreciate cars given to them and end up totalling them. I've seen few kids not take care of a car they worked hard to purchase themselves.

As to Haha's statement that it's important that kids "like" their parents - I strongly disagree.... My job is to guide my kids to be productive adults. This means there will be plenty of times they do not like me... I'm fine with that. Deep down they know I love them - but I refuse to be a soft parent just so they'll "like" me.

 

[NW-Bound]

NW- I will have 30 for Easter. Your point is well taken. I am lucky to have a great family. Even though I am frustrated by some of them at various times. Put that aside. I am blessed.

Same as you, I do not always have the perfect harmony. Not with my parents, nor spouse, let alone my kids. But we tried to work it out.

 

[Amethyst]

Starting out in life has never been especially easy, unless you have a leg up (usually via your family). There may be a few years here and there (like in the 1990's) when everyone seems to be scrambling for new graduates. But there's good reason why this little ditty was popular c. late 70's (when I was launching):

"My daughter has her Master's,
My son, his Ph.D.;
But Daddy is the only one
Who has a J.O.B."

This spoke specifically to the problems that college graduates were having finding jobs; much to their (and their parents') surprise and chagrin. I was a secretary; my boy friend delivered for UPS and sold insurance; our friends were taking anything they could find, unless they had a family business to go into. I seem to recall that everyone complained about how unfair it all was, considering we'd worked so hard in college, but it's just the way things are most of the time.

Amethyst

I had not heard that from DS or any of his friends when they were growing up. That's news to me.

But it's true that in major urban areas, it has gotten a lot more difficult to get an affordable housing for people with single income, lower paying job, etc.. One of new employee fresh out of college is paying his mom rent otherwise he won't be able to save.

 

[Andre1969]

Every time I see 'Cutting off adult children' I wonder where's the 'cutting off adult parents' thread? Or in my case, adult in-laws.

Actually, this has been something that's been on my mind lately. My Dad is 68 years old, and lives with Granddad, who recently turned 100. Dad has been a bit of a slacker most of his life, and I'm really not sure at all of his financial condition. I'm not really that close to him. So, when Granddad dies, I have no idea what will happen to my Dad. He has two brothers, so any estate will get split 3 ways. All I know is, there's no way in hell I'm letting him move in with me!

I also have a 62 year old uncle, Mom's brother, who lives at my Grandmom's house. He's also been a bit of a slacker, and was coddled by Grandmom and Granddad a bit too much. Well, Grandmom is in a rehabilitation center, 91 years old, and failing fast. Her life expectancy at this point is being measured in days.

At least with my uncle, I know his financial condition for the most part. In fact, he's trusted me with handling his rollover IRA and 401k. And, when Grandmom passes on, I know roughly how much he will be getting. Still, I want him to live on his own. I'd actually be willing to help PAY for him to live on his own, because I know if he was under the same roof as me, he'd drive me crazy!

I have plans of moving to a larger house in the next 5 years or so, but I'm starting to think it might not be a bad idea to just stay where I am. At least in my current house, it's not big enough to have anyone else move in.

 

[NW-Bound]

...
I have plans of moving to a larger house in the next 5 years or so, but I'm starting to think it might not be a bad idea to just stay where I am. At least in my current house, it's not big enough to have anyone else move in.

Even if you are in an RV, when people are desperate, they will move in with you. Need something smaller, like a van down by the river, or by the bay.

 

[UnrealizedPotential]

I lived with my parents until I was 29. I never payed rent. I did pay my way for everything else though. I never borrowed money from them. I moved out at 29 and never looked back. That was 16 years ago. I stayed at home too long , but that was long ago and I am on my own and have been for a long time. I have no right to pass judgement on anyone, I can only say what my situation was.

 

[REWahoo]

I lived with my parents until I was 29.

Is that who gave you your user name?

 

[Meadbh]

It sounds like improved communication will go a long way towards resolving the OP's situation. DD probably was too proud to bring up her financial challenges at home.

 

[UnrealizedPotential]

Is that who gave you your user name?

No, but I deserved that. But I have moved on long ago. When the cord was cut, it was cut for good.

 

[MichaelB]

It sounds like improved communication will go a long way towards resolving the OP's situation. DD probably was too proud to bring up her financial challenges at home.

It sure helps, and as REWahoo pointed out early in this thread, it's more effective when it begins very early.

I hear all these stories and am thankful DW and I started to set expectations for our two children early in their lives.

Early communication makes a difference in so many things - college, weddings, cars, and now this.

It'll also make a difference when the roles are reversed and it's time for the children to step up and help their parents.

 

[Texas Proud]

I always told DS that school was his job. If your son was in medical school (1st 2 years with 32 hrs in class per week and double that time studying) and the next 2 years at the hospital all day then studying) would you expect him to also work?


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Before they can get into medical school they have to get a regular college degree... my nephew who has just finished medical school WAS working when he was getting his first degree... he also had time to be on the university's bike racing team when he was in medical school... I do not know what else he did.... but he is even better than my DS... very unusual young man that we are all proud of...

So, yes, I would expect that when DS is not going to school that he work... maybe my expectations are high.... but, when I got my undergrad degree I took 17 credit hours going M-W-F and worked on T-Th-S most all the time.... I did not cut back until my senior year when I took out some loans....

 

[redduck]

... my nephew who has just finished medical school WAS working when he was getting his first degree... he also had time to be on the university's bike racing team when he was in medical school... I do not know what else he did.... but he is even better than my DS... very unusual young man that we are all proud of...
...

Is your nephew really "even better" than your son? I bet not (based on the info that you've given).

 

[NW-Bound]

I have plans of moving to a larger house in the next 5 years or so, but I'm starting to think it might not be a bad idea to just stay where I am. At least in my current house, it's not big enough to have anyone else move in.

Even if you are in an RV, when people are desperate, they will move in with you. Need something smaller, like a van down by the river, or by the bay.

I just now recall reading a blog of two women sharing a van, living in it. Once when they were at a Walmart, another woman asked them for money. They pointed to the van, and said that it was their home.

The beggar was incredulous "You both live in that?", and left them alone.

 

[Texas Proud]

Is your nephew really "even better" than your son? I bet not (based on the info that you've given).

Actually yes... he was a state champion as a high school wrestler... he was a track star... he averaged over 200 yards rushing on his football team and he also was one of the top students (even though it was a very small school)... scored high on his medical test... sisters said in the top 10%... also, sister and husband were very poor... so he had it much harder than my son...

I have a niece from a different sister who scored 1590 on the SAT.... twice... (she wanted a perfect score)....

We will see how DS scores.... I think he will be pretty high, but there is competition with some of the nephews and nieces... DS really does not know much about the one who was lazy and lives in Australia... has never met him, so can only talk about how not to turn out like him...

Do not get me wrong... I am really proud of DS.... he is a top student and will do just fine... I just wished he was a bit more interested in some other activities....

 

[Meadbh]

Do not get me wrong... I am really proud of DS.... he is a top student and will do just fine... I just wished he was a bit more interested in some other activities....

Count your blessings. Most parents would envy you. DS must be a fine young man.

 

[sheehs1]

Don't get me wrong.... I am thrilled at what he is accomplishing.... but I also think he is missing out on some parts of life that you need to experience to learn.... he (and DW) just do not understand that some kids do not have cars they can drive (starting at 16 no less).... that they have to do chores around the house... that they have to learn some life skills that you do not learn in school....


If they do not go to visit grandma this summer, I will push for him getting a job... but DW's grandma is having some health issues so I think they will be going....

Texas Proud, he sounds like a good one. I understand your desire to want him to get other messages of life. College is not too late. Colleges have lots of part time jobs that are available within a students academic schedule, even tutoring.
Most of ours had "summer jobs". The academic year was just too pack with school work and sports.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Count your blessings. Most parents would envy you. DS must be a fine young man.

+1. He sounds like a young man any parent would be proud of and not the least bit disappointed in.

 

[Texas Proud]

Count your blessings. Most parents would envy you. DS must be a fine young man.

I do.... and he is...

I know he will be very successful in life...

 

[sengsational]

So what are some examples of these rules that adult kids don't like? I can't see that a curfew makes any sense. Limiting guests, over night or otherwise? I can see that as reasonable, but easily worked-around. "Making" them do chores? When DD is home on college breaks, we hardly see her; she tends to stay in her room, or be gone with friends. I just can't think of logical and reasonable rules that would make living here unpleasant. If the rules seem arbitrary, it would just cause friction, and I don't think that stressing the relationship is a good way to motivate the move out. So although I don't currently have this problem, it would be interesting to hear some ideas for house rules.

 

[Mulligan]

Personally I think it depends on a lot of variables. Preparing them for being on their own can mean different things depending on your goal. For example, if you don't mind them living at home, just ensuring some very basics may do. Such as: must have a job, pay for or at least consider them paying for "rent", food, healthcare premiums, etc.
If the kid is a clean, responsible, and one with no late night frat parties, few rules may be needed. The most important thing would be to make sure when they transition back home they don't assume role of child and parent as caregiver.
And I am no expert either and fell into the "parent trap" this weekend. 22 year old college student came home to visit and hadn't done her taxes. "Making her do her taxes" consisted me just finally saying, "Just leave and I will take care of it". She had no interest in learning..... 3rd year in a row!


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[EastWest Gal]

Home from college on break hardly makes sense with house rules. We do exactly the same with DS as you do. Not much need or enforcement.

Simple things like after dinner cleanup, cleaning his own bathroom are pretty easy requests. Letting us know if he's going to be out very late is appreciated. He never brings people home since his friends are now elsewhere, so that is not an issue. Vacuuming his room and helping with laundry is much easier to request from someone living on his own for a few years.

He mowed our lawn summers and has been paid for it. Helping with meal prep isn't a house rule, but framing it with preparation for independent living was a win-win. Unfortunately he wanted to learn how to cook steak and ribs the most ($$$$).

FYI, when in high school and college, my sister and I frequently stayed out very late with friends (2-3 AM on Saturdays was not uncommon) but our parents knew we behaved better than they did. They were alcoholics and were asleep before we got home. My sister and I knew how to sneak in and out undetected. We did the dishes, helped with yard work and were both first in our class so we made sure they had nothing to complain about and did whatever we pleased.


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[EastWest Gal]

Personally I think it depends on a lot of variables. Preparing them for being on their own can mean different things depending on your goal. For example, if you don't mind them living at home, just ensuring some very basics may do. Such as: must have a job, pay for or at least consider them paying for "rent", food, healthcare premiums, etc.
If the kid is a clean, responsible, and one with no late night frat parties, few rules may be needed. The most important thing would be to make sure when they transition back home they don't assume role of child and parent as caregiver.
And I am no expert either and fell into the "parent trap" this weekend. 22 year old college student came home to visit and hadn't done her taxes. "Making her do her taxes" consisted me just finally saying, "Just leave and I will take care of it". She had no interest in learning..... 3rd year in a row!


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I helped DS with his taxes. Told him to do it, then I would check for mistakes. He made one dumb mistake, so printed another form then he redid it. No enabling or doing for him. He did it all. Both of us were relieved when it was done.


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[Mulligan]

I helped DS with his taxes. Told him to do it, then I would check for mistakes. He made one dumb mistake, so printed another form then he redid it. No enabling or doing for him. He did it all. Both of us were relieved when it was done.


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I made the mistake of starting with the pen in my hand and she exploited it. Lesson learned!


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[sengsational]

Thankfully, that's where I'm at with my kids...both excelled in school, so I let them do whatever they wanted, within reason. I did occasionally remind them that they got this freedom because they were responsibly taking care of business.

I think have a job or be looking for one is a good rule, and that would help being moved out and staying home more similar.

I did my older daughter's taxes...so simple and easy, but now that she's on her own, she's had to learn it on her own.

 

[rodi]

Sengsational - the rules that were imposed are me were:

- reasonable bed time and curfews... no going clubbing on a weeknight.
- Letting parents know where I was going and who with.
- Chores - not just keeping my own room clean - but participating in the rest of the household chores like meal prep & cleanup, vacuuming, lawn mowing.
- no overnight guests and definitely no overnights at a boyfriend's house.
- this was back in the old days - so tv viewing, stereo use, etc were limited to the shared household tv/stereo - and consideration had to be used. So for me to listen to my records (yep - this was back in the vinyl days) I had limited times when it wouldn't impact my parents. For some reason they didn't like my choice of music. LOL.

Nothing outrageous - but it was enough I wanted to move out.