Cutting off adult children

[pb4uski]

+1 it continually amazes me given the same parents, same home environment, same parenting, etc. how drastically different our children are. How the heck does that happen?

 

[Mulligan]

+1 it continually amazes me given the same parents, same home environment, same parenting, etc. how drastically different our children are. How the heck does that happen?

Because evidently you didn't beat them hard enough to establish conformity and molding them into your true wishes!
Actually in the scheme of things, parenting is a bit overrated. Yes, you need to do the basics and all that, but they are going to determine the final outcome.
I love my daughter and we get along great, but my land she is a 180 degree polar opposite of me. I would have worn a box of belts out trying to get her to conform to my standards.


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[daylatedollarshort]

Part of it is just the age. Long term planning, budgeting and career planning are hard issues for many mature adults let alone for young adults who may not have fully developed cerebral cortexes until they are 25.

Some suggest that the new cutoff point for adulthood should really be 25:

BBC News - Is 25 the new cut-off point for adulthood?

"There are three stages of adolescence - early adolescence from 12-14 years, middle adolescence from 15-17 years and late adolescence from 18 years and over. Neuroscience has shown that a young person's cognitive development continues into this later stage and that their emotional maturity, self-image and judgement will be affected until the prefrontal cortex of the brain has fully developed."

 

[MichaelB]

Part of it is just the age. Long term planning, budgeting and career planning are hard issues for many mature adults let alone for young adults who may not have fully developed cerebral cortexes until they are 25.

Some suggest that the new cutoff point for adulthood should really be 25:

BBC News - Is 25 the new cut-off point for adulthood?

"There are three stages of adolescence - early adolescence from 12-14 years, middle adolescence from 15-17 years and late adolescence from 18 years and over. Neuroscience has shown that a young person's cognitive development continues into this later stage and that their emotional maturity, self-image and judgement will be affected until the prefrontal cortex of the brain has fully developed."

They forgot the 4th stage of adolescence - 50+ years and retired, no longer gives a sh!t and acts like an immature adolescent once again.

 

[utrecht]

They still have no problem sending 18 year olds into combat.

 

[splitwdw]

No kids so not sticking my paddle in regarding the OP.
I am curious about the parents that charge rent and then give it back to their kids when they move out. Why? Don't you have to pay to replace their bedroom rug (don't know what made me think of that) , pay for heating and cooling, Internet access, electricity, food. Isn't this pretty much the same as letting them stay for free? Someone at work is doing this (collecting nominal rent/food money and then going o give back when son moves out) with their 20-something son and all they do is complain about the food bill and his buddies hanging out. Is it really just because it's your child and you don't want to be "harsh".

 

[tulak]

I hear all these stories and am thankful DW and I started to set expectations for our two children early in their lives. They were told (repeatedly) from middle school on that barring a medical emergency they would be on their own three months after graduating from college (or dropping out). Should they wish to continue living at home after that they would be expected to pay both rent and for their share of the grocery bill. And they knew we meant it.



Worked like a charm.

+1

Our kids our still at home (14/15), but we've made it clear that we're willing to pay for their education and not much more. They have their own money/allowance and for any extras, they have to pay for it themselves.

So far our kids are looking forward to being on their own. They don't like our rules, even though we give them a lot of freedom. We may have instilled a bit too much independence in them. We'll see how well this experiment works out...

 

[Katsmeow]

First, let me say that not everyone is the same. That is, not all adult children (over the age of 18) are actually adults able to manage adult responsibilities. On the other hand, I do think the expectations become different as they get older and should be commensurate with what they are able to manage.

We are about to face some of this with our daughter. She will be finishing up a community college program in December when she is 19. She is also not mature for her age and is nowhere near ready to be out on her own.

What we have told her is the following:

1. She can stay as long as she wants if she follows house rules and meets financial commitments.

2. She will need to either have a job or be diligently looking for a job. If she can't find a full-time job in a reasonable period of time then she needs to find a part-time job to pay some of her expenses.

3. We will charge her an amount to cover the incremental cost of her living in the house, basically food and the utility costs from her being there. She isn't rent, but is to make us whole for the cost of having her in the house.

4. Her other expenses are hers to pay. Her prescriptions are her cost. Her auto expenses are hers (we will be giving her one of our older cars). Her clothing costs, etc.

5. She is expected to save up money so that when she is ready to move out she has money saved up for emergencies.

6. Now, in truth, if she had a major expense early in this (major car repair, for example) that her savings wouldn't cover we would probably advance the funds to her with her paying us back over time.

She is agreeable to all of the above.

 

[pb4uski]

....I am curious about the parents that charge rent and then give it back to their kids when they move out. Why? Don't you have to pay to replace their bedroom rug (don't know what made me think of that) , pay for heating and cooling, Internet access, electricity, food. Isn't this pretty much the same as letting them stay for free? Someone at work is doing this (collecting nominal rent/food money and then going o give back when son moves out) with their 20-something son and all they do is complain about the food bill and his buddies hanging out. Is it really just because it's your child and you don't want to be "harsh".

For us it wasn't at all about the $400/month, it was about wanting to create an incentive for DS to move out and also having a mechanism to help him do so. While it definitely cost us more to have him live at home between electricity and groceries, etc. the main objective was to get him to move out and preserve our relationship with him. I figured once his "freedom account" got up to be a few thousand that he would be motivated to move out to have access to those funds.

To show you what little I know, he moved out and never asked for the money. In the end it was used to reimburse me for a cellphone I bought for him when his went through the wash, into his Roth IRA and then I recently wrote him a check for the little remaining balance. Since most of the balance ended up in his Roth, it was a great overall result.

I guess that I could have kept the money and later helped him out monetarily with things here and there and achieved the same result, but that is just the way we decided to do it.

 

[aja8888]

Some food for thought here.....getting them out on their own is certainly a task parents need to get done right. We did it and it was a spotty exercise. Everyone is different and all family dynamics are too.

On another note, we experienced three of our (DW's from her previous marriage) children getting divorced in a period of three years while they (really grown adults now) were married over 10 years each. While all the drama and family breakups were going on, DW allowed two of the daughters to move in with us for a period of time while the disasters were underway. All is over now and all parties are in their respective places, but return trips can be in the cards no matter how successful parents are in getting them out of the nest in the first place.

As far as the OP goes, she is getting a lot of good advice in this thread. Hang in there, and work your plan.

 

[RetireAge50]

We have always made it clear that we would support them through college. At the same time, we clearly explained to them how fortunate they were and that they better not mess it up (unless they want to have a career at McDonalds).

As far as moving out and/or paying expenses this will not be an issue as their graduation corresponds with my retirement at which time I will be selling the house, cars, and all other assets and traveling the world via backpack. They may have to worry about me moving in with them.

 

[Midpack]

Modify as you see fit:

Dear Daughter:

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I know you need some money to cover the bills your roommates stuck you with, and to start that new business. Well, several things have happened since we last spoke.

A few weeks back a young man came to our house and “guaranteed” we’d make a lot of money if we invested with him. We’d never heard of the company he was working for but it seemed reputable, and the ambitious salesman reminded Mom of you.

So, after a couple more meetings, we turned our savings over to him and, since he asked, even allowed him to stay in your old room for what we thought would just be a day or two. It turns out that his parents disowned him because his girlfriend is pregnant and they refuse to get married and go to church.

We were helping them pay for some of the tests and treatments for the unborn baby, but all that will have to stop now that your Mom and I are in therapy and facing our own challenges. Seems that Mom and Uncle Jerry have been in a relationship for several years and now she wants to move to Florida and live with him.

At the same time we’re getting our DNA tested and suggest you do the same. Your Mom says she isn’t sure if you are actually my son. I guess there’s a possibility you might be someone else’s. As you might imagine, all this has been pretty overwhelming and, I hate to admit it, but I have turned to alcohol and pills to help. I’ve tried sobering up but I only feel better after I swallow a couple pills and knock back a few drinks.

Worse yet, I found out today that our new financial guy was not disowned by his parents, and there is no “baby on the way.” But he did use our money to buy a new sports car, which he totaled, and is now going to jail for fraud.

Now that you’re up to date on everything I want to tell you we didn’t really turn our life savings over to a con artist, your Mom never slept with Uncle Jerry, and there’s no need for a DNA test to prove you’re our son. But we’re not sending you any more money, either. We just wanted you to see this decision in the proper perspective and to encourage you to count your blessings instead of your concerns.

Love,

Dad & Mom

Best Way To 'Cut Off' Your Adult Children - Forbes

 

[redduck]

That letter above: it's addressed to "Dear Daughter" but in the body of the letter it addresses a "son". I know the letter talks of "counting your blessings" but having parents whom can't remember the sex of their child from one paragraph to the next can't be such a good thing. Can it?

 

[prose3589]

Thank you all. I am getting very good advice here. I actually hope to have a long talk with her tonight.

I will let you know how it all goes!




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[pb4uski]

That letter above: it's addressed to "Dear Daughter" but in the body of the letter it addresses a "son". I know the letter talks of "counting your blessings" but having parents whom can't remember the sex of their child from one paragraph to the next can't be such a good thing. Can it?

I noticed that too. The letter in the link was addressed to a Son but Midpack edited it since the OP's issue is with a daughter.

 

[Retch The Grate]

As far as moving out and/or paying expenses this will not be an issue as their graduation corresponds with my retirement at which time I will be selling the house, cars, and all other assets and traveling the world via backpack. They may have to worry about me moving in with them.

seems like a perfect plan.

 

[redduck]

I noticed that too. The letter in the link was addressed to a Son but Midpack edited it since the OP's issue is with a daughter.

Well, so much for the confused parents theory.

 

[pb4uski]

We have always made it clear that we would support them through college. At the same time, we clearly explained to them how fortunate they were and that they better not mess it up (unless they want to have a career at McDonalds).
....

I see your point but I'd downplay the career at McDonalds thing as I understand that there have been many crew members who have worked hard and ended up as franchisees or executives.

 

[foxfirev5]

As the parents of three, DW and I found out that no simple rule works in all situations. Our oldest son flunked out of college, always worked, and failed miserably at paying bills or striking out on his own. Our daughter and youngest son were complete opposites. College graduates, married with kids, and never any need or desire for help.

After repeated disasters, my DW told our oldest to move back home. We have a big house plus another down the road on a lake. There is certainly no shortage of space. He pays rent and is content to stay at home for the foreseeable future. Plus we have a groundskeeper and someone to keep an eye on things while we travel.

There are many situations that present themselves and certainly no simple answers in dealing with them. Next, my Mom who is 85 and lives 500 miles away. No siblings to help out so maybe the big house will come in handy, again.

 

[Walt34]

I see your point but I'd downplay the career at McDonalds thing as I understand that there have been many crew members who have worked hard and ended up as franchisees or executives.

It can work out that way. I have a nephew who graduated with master's degrees in music and math, and upon graduation drove to California. His first job was running one of the rides at Disneyland and he loved it. My sister was not pleased.

Fast forward ~20 years and he's still with Disney, but by no means running a ride. I'm a little fuzzy on exactly what it is he does there but apparently it pays very, very well. And he loves his job.

So it can work out.

 

[MRG]

Good luck tonight prose3589. You'll do great.

 

[PhrugalPhan]

I've loved reading these tactics from various members, but I'm surprised no one used my mother's technique. She made me so unwelcome I would rather live with any other relative when I finished college. When the summer job after college was over I moved out within 5 days to live with my grandmother. It didn't last long - I had a real job offer within a month and had to move away for it. And I never looked back. (Well I would go visit my grandmother often - but not my mother )

 

[robnplunder]

After reading the thread, I felt the sudden urge to thank and hug my DS who has been financially independent since he graduated from college (and in 4 years). My problem is opposite - I want to help him financially but he does not want to be helped. So, here we (DW & I) are, trying to spend his inheritance as much as we can before we croak.

 

[robnplunder]

I've loved reading these tactics from various members, but I'm surprised no one used my mother's technique. She made me so unwelcome I would rather live with any other relative when I finished college. When the summer job after college was over I moved out within 5 days to live with my grandmother. It didn't last long - I had a real job offer within a month and had to move away for it. And I never looked back. (Well I would go visit my grandmother often - but not my mother )

Maybe, you were adopted?

I thought moms tend to hang on to their kids more than dads do.

 

[Mulligan]

I've loved reading these tactics from various members, but I'm surprised no one used my mother's technique. She made me so unwelcome I would rather live with any other relative when I finished college. When the summer job after college was over I moved out within 5 days to live with my grandmother. It didn't last long - I had a real job offer within a month and had to move away for it. And I never looked back. (Well I would go visit my grandmother often - but not my mother )

That was more or less used on me. After my freshman year in college and still feeling my oates running wild like I did at school, my dad informed me if I was going to stay here I had to follow his rules. So I finished out the summer low key never to return to live. I stayed up at college until I graduated and then immediately found a job. No resentment or anger from either side. I knew I didn't want to follow rules so that motivated me to leave the nest....Fraternity life will do that do you, or at least in the 80s it did!


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