Between the rock and a hard place.
If the anwer was easy, there would be a known path to the right decision.
We work out these questions with a full cards on the table with stating the problem first, then "what can't we do", followed by the longest list of possibilities of "what can we do".
Theoretical... from the white bear...
The problem:
Mom is old, physically okay so far, strong willed, independent and with evident dementia. Denial and likely with some paranoia. (If dementia is an uncomfortable term, substitute forgetfulness.)
The fear: Traumatic, damaging crisis, lost, injured, fire, violence or suicide. Worry and fear causing upset at home. Money, depression, uncertainty and general disruption with no clear way forward. Possibility of being held captive for an indefinite period, with periodic crises.
What can't we do?
- Can't continue (longer term) in present home without help or caretaker.
- Can't afford 24/7 care.
- Can't commit to taking mom into our home.
- Can't continue "as is".
- Can't go into an CCRC apartment.
- Maybe can't go into assisted living if dementia precludes this. Need professional assessment in advance of this consideration.
- Can't force the decision. The in-between period of dementia would reuire a court decision, likely not favorable.
What can we do?
- Work out a defined plan to continue in current situation, with some home health care, and an emergency call system. Enlisting neighbors, police or professional healthcare povider to be knowlegeable of the situation. Plan for spending our own time to supplement the care. Schedule our own visits, to fit in with a reasonably normal life.
- Plan for a heart to heart meeting with mom, in a quiet, "listening" talk... non threatening, no recriminations, no suggestions and letting her take time to see herself, with her own thoughts. Not a time for solutions, but quietly planting the seed. Understand her fears.
- Due diligence in review of CCRC facilities... not just for cost, but for the knowledge that the administrators can provide.
- Depending on the situation, consider looking at home style community living. Not to be overlooked, despite the fear that many have over a non-professional staff. Many of these "comfort homes" present a happy, socially involved group of residents. Due diligence, and checking out more than one.
- Recognize that our own decision is not and cannot be legallyl made without consultation and verification by professionals. A very difficult decision to make, but necessary. This will be a benchmark for later decsions for wills, power of attorney, and situations that inevitably happen.
(personal note here):
- Consider looking for a compassionate older person who would prefer living in a "paid for" home with room and board... prefer this to working in the local Walmart.
That would be our first choice... We have seen this work with our across the street neighbor, who had this arrangement for the first 8 years that we lived here. Trust... did the shopping, used the car, managed the household as her own. A gem! After our neighbor passed away, the caretaker went on to the same situation with another person who needed help. Actual incremental cost (pay) was 1/5th the cost of the nursing home.
...............................
Ths list can go on indefinitely, and can be adjusted, but laying out the possibilities puts everyone on the same track. Most important of all.
Yes... every situation is different. My solutions are not yours. Coming here for advice is a start... The personal approach is a good adjunct to books or web pages. None of us see the answers in the same light. Having said this, you may want to read this late breaking article that discusses, in depth the state of seniors in retirement. Both the good and the bad.
http://www.alternet.org/fear-america/many-fears-stalk-aging-safety-nets-shrink-media-stereotypes-miss-full-story
It includes observations by Pew Research, regarding the actual state of retirement in the US as well as observations by those who were born between 1946 and 1964.
When asked, sizeable percentages of people under age 65 said that they expected to face all of the following problems as they aged: memory loss, losing ability to drive, serious illness, diminished sex lives, sadness, depression, loneliness, not being needed, trouble paying bills, and being a burden. Yet the prevalence of those problems among people over 65 was markedly lower in every category—sometimes by more than two-to-one. In contrast, expectations that people under 65 had about having more time for hobbies, family, volunteer work, travel and financial security in later life were also unmet.
“Getting old isn’t nearly as bad as people think,” Pew said. “Nor is it quite as good.”