A few words, coming at this from the other side. DW and I are in our late '70's, and can relate to almost all of the different experiences that have been shared here. While there are no easy solutions, having lived through the later years with dozens, even hundreds of friends and neighbors, there are a number of things we have done, or are planning to do, to ease the stress on our own children who are now in their late forties to late fifties.
I would not pretend to suggest that what we are doing is a model for others, but that it could be a starting point for planning the later years, and the eventual inability to live without outside help. The is no way to cover all eventualities, but there are commonalities that can be addressed in advance.
The money part is obviously a major factor in looking ahead, so I'll leave that for last.
For starters we did not have a lifetime attachment to our home, so spending many retirement years in socially active senior communities has made "leaving the homestead" trauma unnecessary. Often, older couples who have lived together find it easier to withdraw from the social scene, putting more of a burden on the children for advice and support. In our own case, we moved into a full faciity CCRC regular home, with natural support from the rest of the facility... social contacts, an available rehab/fitness facility, automatic transfer to the apartments, assisted living, nursinghome and Alzheimer facilities.
That does/did not mean giving up on normal activities, as we have until recently spent winters in FL and plan to go back this fall. What it does mean, is that we are well placed to make a sideways move... from freestanding home to apartment living, with all expenses in one rental amount, including meals and transportation.
The main point in all of this, is to be integrated into a community with social, mechanical, and legal support, as not to place heavy responsibilities on our children.
A second consideration is an attempt to preplan as much as possible, with frank discussions with our children as to our own wishes, and our mutual concerns for the future. The beginning part of this planning was to develop our wills and healthcare decisions, and to place them into legal documents.
We did all of this with all of our affected children present, and inviting their input. This was the initial framework, intended to cover the basics. The decision to do this was somewhat agonizing, as neither DW nor I were totally comfortable with opening up our inner feelings. As it turned out, the results were wonderful, and we have become even closer as a family.
Our next step, is coming within another few months, when we will all be together for a week. We'll have a few hours of discusssion about anything and everything. As I have shared here on ER, the likelyhood of Alzheimers is in the future for both of us. We feel this is the time for sharing our financial status and the management of assets as we go forward.
While all of this may seem to be a normal process that every family would go through with aging parents, our personal experience tells us differently. Conservativley speaking, fewer than one out of four situations involving families in this situation have moved forward without severe stress... physical, mental and financial. Mistakes that have had longlasting effects.
Some of the factors we will be discussing:
Tax planning, IRA's, Gifting, Decisions on Annuity, Nursing home... how and when, Home Health Aid, Inlaw apartment, decisions affecting Medicaid, Hospice and other alternatives.
The thinking behind this information and decision sharing, is to optimize whatever assets are there. By example, friend who made his own decision to go to a nursing home, so as not to be a burden to his daughter. Four years and $400,000 later he passed away, never knowing or realizing that she would have been happy to take care of him in her home, both for love, and to provide her with some retirement security.
Our goal is to avoid being a burden, and to prepare our children for the inevitable.
