Moemg
Gone but not forgotten
How do you feel about guests calling to ask if they can bring a few extra people to your party ?
Entertaining
- Thread starter Moemg
- Start date
Moemg
Gone but not forgotten
Happened to us yesterday. Happened with both DD's weddings. (same people every time). It happens regularly to DD#2, especially after her beautiful new baby was born. (What - time to feed the baby. Just go ahead and don't pay any attention to us). It seems that some families are just like that - feel that invitations do not apply to them and that just showing up makes life better for all involved.
Flexible? Yeah, we're flexible, which in this case is means we accommodate the impolite rudeness of others.
Flexible? Yeah, we're flexible, which in this case is means we accommodate the impolite rudeness of others.
It would depend on who and why. For example, a niece is in the Navy, and if she were to be traveling by with a friend also in the service I would not mind the niece bringing her friend. It would be offensive not to extend the invitation to include the friend.
But if it was someone trying to use our hospitality to repay their social obligations, then no, no, a thousand times no! Or someone just trying to use our party to include their friends to extend the interactions to those they know they will like, then no to that also.
But if it was someone trying to use our hospitality to repay their social obligations, then no, no, a thousand times no! Or someone just trying to use our party to include their friends to extend the interactions to those they know they will like, then no to that also.
+1. We always have a small group over for Thanksgiving. Two years ago, one of our guests called to cancel because she had an unexpected house guest. I told her to bring her friend over and all had a great time. These type of circumstances would be the only ones acceptable to me.
Moemg
Gone but not forgotten
That is great because she gave you the option . She did not just say I am bringing a friend .
Asking if she could bring her friend would also have been acceptable. Saying she was bringing her friend, NOT! Those types of friends, I don't need...I have enough trouble with my family
.
- Joined
- Nov 17, 2015
- Messages
- 13,949
It depends, but generally, no... and then seriously reconsider ever inviting them to anything in the future unless there is a lot more to the story.
The only way it would be reasonable if it was framed as "I hate to ask, and I'm so looking forward to your party, but I have company staying at that time. Would it be possible to bring them with? I'd feel awkward leaving them home since they are our guests...."
Weddings? NFW - that's just plain rude.
Small gatherings? Also, no, if it's implied it's a small house gathering thing, like 15 ppl or under, then mixing in friends-of-friends is not cool.
That's about it. Not "can we bring our friends who live down the street, you'll love them!" No, no I won't.
The only way it would be reasonable if it was framed as "I hate to ask, and I'm so looking forward to your party, but I have company staying at that time. Would it be possible to bring them with? I'd feel awkward leaving them home since they are our guests...."
Weddings? NFW - that's just plain rude.
Small gatherings? Also, no, if it's implied it's a small house gathering thing, like 15 ppl or under, then mixing in friends-of-friends is not cool.
That's about it. Not "can we bring our friends who live down the street, you'll love them!" No, no I won't.
Midpack
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I'd say no in most cases, but if it was a large group at a casual, outdoor event it wouldn't strike me as quite as impolite. But if it was small, formal/expensive, special occasion, indoor and/or family only - I'd have no problem saying a polite no.
Last edited:
kcowan
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
We have had all the combinations, including just showing up with the friend.
We have also had no shows, never acknowledging their actions. When we raised it, they forgot! So much for our importance.
We have also had no shows, never acknowledging their actions. When we raised it, they forgot! So much for our importance.
Bestwifeever
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2007
- Messages
- 17,774
I'd rather have a bonus guest, even as a surprise, than a no show as a surprise. I wish I could be the person who could keep it in perspective and honestly and happily could just make the surprise guest welcome and not think twice about it. If it happened more than once maybe talk to the person who invited him/her.
aja8888
Moderator Emeritus
We've not had that happen (a few people) but on occasion, one of the kids would call and ask if it was OK to have a friend come along. That was always OK from what I can remember.
What is irritating is we have one daughter that is ALWAYS one hour late to the event, no matter what it is. Typical excuse is "too busy, couldn't get ready to leave in time, etc".
Teacher Terry
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2014
- Messages
- 7,078
I would only say yes if the person had a houseguest, etc like the above poster. Otherwise it is rude.
Does not bother me in the least. Pretty normal in my family. My son is always dragging a classmate home over the break, lol I'm surprised if my sister shows up by herself. Since I generally have more than enough food and booze. It's not an issue.
Now in the interest of full disclosure, I had 37 immediate family members over for dinner so lol I might not have noticed an extra person.
formal events like weddings?? Aw He$$ no
Now in the interest of full disclosure, I had 37 immediate family members over for dinner so lol I might not have noticed an extra person.
formal events like weddings?? Aw He$$ no
Last edited:
CRLLS
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
If immediate family asks to bring one special someone to our "party"..... that is never a question. They are always invited. Non-resident family who ask to bring their visiting family to join in, sure! Family of family are always welcome. We are just glad they asked so we can be prepared. And out-of-town visiting family of friends, OK there too, I think. So long as it is not out of hand. If our guests just want to invite other friends-no way! They can host their own party. If it was a formal party where there is a per-person charge to us....WTF are they thinking? On the other hand, an open-house party has a different set of rules IMO.
It depends. Back in my college days and up to early 30's - friends and I would host big blow out parties... 30+ people - sometimes up to 100... The more the merrier in that scenario. Those days are long behind me.
Now my entertaining is more dinner parties. With a formal set table, etc. So an extra person means scrambling to find another place setting and chair. We host a big "7 Fishes" meal every Christmas Eve. We have built a custom extender for our dining room table that allows us to get 16 people at one table. If we have an extra person we are out of plates, flatware, and spots at the table. It's a big deal. Another example was Thanksgiving last year - my sister had invited a friend (no problem) but forgot to tell me (problem.) I had my husband entertain her while I went to our storage to dig out another place setting of the family china and silver.... Not ideal, but we made it work because we didn't need to add another leaf to the table and had the space.
If I entertained more buffet style with folks having plates in their laps - it would be less of a problem.
Now my entertaining is more dinner parties. With a formal set table, etc. So an extra person means scrambling to find another place setting and chair. We host a big "7 Fishes" meal every Christmas Eve. We have built a custom extender for our dining room table that allows us to get 16 people at one table. If we have an extra person we are out of plates, flatware, and spots at the table. It's a big deal. Another example was Thanksgiving last year - my sister had invited a friend (no problem) but forgot to tell me (problem.) I had my husband entertain her while I went to our storage to dig out another place setting of the family china and silver.... Not ideal, but we made it work because we didn't need to add another leaf to the table and had the space.
If I entertained more buffet style with folks having plates in their laps - it would be less of a problem.
Sunset
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Just invite her 1 hour earlier than everyone else.
Or at the very least, don't wait for her. Example start the meal on time and if she gets there after everyone else has eaten, too bad.
My RANT:
We had a friend and this guy would alway always show up late to everything, this went on for a few years and finally the group of friends just started whatever it was after a normal delay of 10 minutes. Once he showed up a few times and realized we didn't wait, he started getting faster
Why people like that are late is often because you are not as important as they are, and they feel you have to wait until they are ready.
Note how she is never late to catch a plane or be at the movie theater, as they won't wait.
I think we have different scenarios in mind. College parties and social graces are governed by different social norms.
When we have a dinner gathering we put a lot of effort into menu prep, along with the expense of a fine meal. Two things that are supremely irritating are no-shows and uninvited guests. That means food will either go to waste or there may be not enough to satisfy everyone. A call a couple of days before to warn of an unexpected visitor or situation is understandable. Hearing an hour or so before ETA "my old college buddy / aunt / xxx is in town, can he / she come" is thoughtless and really puts the host on the spot.
We've had countless gatherings. It's funny - the same small group of individuals are the ones that do this, time and again.
Last edited:
NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2008
- Messages
- 35,712
I would leave them out. I give people 2 chances. Would not want the 3rd time to happen.
Moemg
Gone but not forgotten
When I was younger it was fun to have strangers come to your party but that was when a party consisted of beer and chips & dip . Now parties are dinner parties with a lot of expense and work so I am less than thrilled when someone calls to say they are bringing someone else or a few extra people .It is rude . Throw your own party .
My brother has the same problem and is usually 2 hours late. Parents wised up and for family get togethers would tell me to come at X, but your brother has been told to come 2 hours earlier
. I don't think he ever wised up.HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
When I was younger there were a lot of strangers, i.e. stranger than most...
Cocktail party, maybe. Dinner party, no. Hell, I can only seat eight...
Amen on throw your own. That's mostly why I don't bother...
jazz4cash
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
It's not a problem for me because I've never had anyone bring a friend that behaved badly. I'm just glad when they ask first. Our house seems to be the designated meetup place when out of town family need to connect with long lost friends and extended family.
I did fall out with one brother couldn't understand that he was not welcome to drop in without warning, usually for a free meal.
I did fall out with one brother couldn't understand that he was not welcome to drop in without warning, usually for a free meal.
Senator
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
It totally depends on who the guests are, and what the situation might be. I have brought strippers to a bachelor party that was otherwise going to be lame. That was a hit.
I suspect that if a homeless Vet was invited to one of my parties, I would be OK with it. Maybe someone's aging parent that the spouse just passed, I would be OK too.
If it's just bringing another mouth to feed, probably not.
