Funny Quote Friday

[mickj]

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."
- Mitch Hedberg

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
- George Carlin

 

[Martha]

Don't be so humble, you're not that great". - Golda Meir

 

[mickeyd]

“I am the world’s greatest expert in what I’m about to tell you.” George Will

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February" --Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. -- Jon Stewart

“In the 20th century, we gained an additional 30 years of life. It took the preceding 50 centuries to do that. That’s extraordinary”
Robert N. Butler, MD, President International Longevity Center-USA

 

[Martha]

Mickj, Mitch Hedberg was one of my favorite comedians and I was really bummed when he died. Another from Mitch:

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

 

[Eagle43]

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Both quotes by Henny Youngman

On dying, from Woody Allen....

It's not that I'm afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve it through not dying.

 

[Goonie]

"Politicians and diapers need to be changed. Often for the same reason."


"You're only young once, but you can be immature forever!"

And one that's kind of humorous...but soooo true:

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally
worn out, and loudly proclaiming -- WOW--What a Ride!"