Happily Single ER thread

[googily]

I became single/widowed last year at 51 (DH was 55), so was definitely not expecting to be on my own at this stage of the game. But while I never say never, and while I also know it's still early, I doubt I will actively seek out another marriage. Just as Chuckanut said in his point #3, I wouldn't mind someone to hang out with, but I had an amazing marriage with an absolute soulmate, and am pretty comfortable with being alone, so a new relationship has a lot of hurdles to climb. Plus I can be cranky and introverted.

I have though had well-meaning (?) friends say that I'd be quite a catch out in the meat market, because I am not divorced and I don't have children, so no excess baggage. Yikes!

Plus, I now have full control of the resources that were enough for both of us to ER, so I don't need a meal ticket. {snicker}

I've actually thought there should be a standing running thread for singles, given the different sort of issues that we have in retirement, especially childless singles. I find it interesting to see how lives are structured, plans for the unknowable future handled, etc. e tc.

 

[googily]

Right now life is good. I love my house, I have plenty of opportunities to interact with others and I enjoy time alone. Getting one person to an exotic destination in Business Class is only half as expensive as getting two there (who knew?) so I do two major trips per year. I no longer face the scary prospect of DH (who was 15 years older) ending up in LTC and having to support LTC and still keep my own financial future secure. I would have been OK but might have had to cut back on "wants". I've lost weight because my kitchen contains very little junk and I rarely eat meat. No one around asking, "Where's the beef?"

LOL! I have now lost 35 lbs since last year. A combination of not wanting to go completely to hell in early widowdom, plus only having food that I want to eat in the house and that I can eat only when I want to--but, really, the biggest change is no more fancy big meals on basically a weekly basis (or daily if we were traveling).

As I've mentioned in other threads, I'm on Match.com but my standards are pretty darn high. So far I've sent out a couple of notes with no answers- may be they weren't interested, may be that they don't have a paying membership and can't see them. I'd like to have a good man in my life but can't imagine having one move in with me or selling my place and moving in with him. I'd have a wider field of possibilities if I liked long trips on a Harley, fishing or pro sports, but I don't.

One day at a time.

Your points sound very familiar, especially not being enthused at the notion of having to combine day-to-day lives. The folks up-thread with the significant others within wallking distance sounds perfect!

 

[Major Tom]

I didn't think I'd be eligible to post in this thread, before I read ER Eddie's definition of single (for this thread, at least) as not being married. I live on my own, and have a long-term relationship with a gal who lives a mile away. We will never, ever live together, as we'd drive each other bonkers in less than 2 days. We're both content with the current arrangement though.

At this stage in my life, if I wasn't with my current partner, I can't see myself going to great lengths for anyone else. Frankly, I'm getting a bit tapped out on the whole relationship thing. I've been with someone almost continuously since the age of 18, and would quite like a break. However, a year or two of being in no relationship at all would probably cure me of that particular lethargy

 

[Elbata]

I have a few male friends, not married, but financially secure. Neither will ever get married.

To me, I think they've painted themselves into a corner. They would never get married because they don't want to deal with any negative financial consequences. So while claiming to be single and free, I'm not so sure they are.

 

[RunningBum]

I have a few male friends, not married, but financially secure. Neither will ever get married.

To me, I think they've painted themselves into a corner. They would never get married because they don't want to deal with any negative financial consequences. So while claiming to be single and free, I'm not so sure they are.

Did they sign a contract? No? Then they can do whatever they want.

 

[Music Lover]

I had a short failed marriage when in my 20's, then I was more or less happily single for 30 years. Single, but I was in several relationships over the years, some of them lasting a couple years. I retired 2+ years ago and one of the main benefits from being single so long is that no one has any claim to my pension, which is important as it's modest and I couldn't afford to retire if I had to give half of it to someone else.

Although I was relatively happy being single over the years and would have been okay with it for the rest of my life, a long term relationship was preferable. Then I went on a date about 5 months ago expecting it to be just another date (she told me the same thing) and we hit it off fabulously...a quick meeting for a drink turned into 3 hours of conversation. So, I'm still single as in "not married", but I'm now in a committed relationship.

I do think that some people function best and are happiest being single, and others function best and are happiest when in a relationship. A rare few (myself being one of them) seem to do okay either way.

 

[FlaGator]

This has been interesting to read, and a thread where I agreed with at least one thing in nearly every post.

I'm a widowed single parent of 2 teens, was married for 30 years.

Decisions are simpler now, and I've made some big ones on my own - to ER, relocate, buy a more expensive house. My kids enjoy more independence than I believe late DW would have allowed. I like being able to run my house, kitchen and closet without negotiation.

I'm enjoying not being married right now, and there is no way I would move a woman into my house as long as the kids are with me. Not going to complicate things when the kids are on a good track both academically and socially.

My kids are the priority and I have limited time for socializing other than school hours. Decide in the morning for a dinner date that evening? Quick weekend getaway? Forget it.

In many respects I am one of the guys referenced above who has painted himself into a corner. That floor will be dry in a few years, though. I think today I will walk out of the room, but can't be certain.

 

[ER Eddie]

I have a few male friends, not married, but financially secure. Neither will ever get married.

To me, I think they've painted themselves into a corner. They would never get married because they don't want to deal with any negative financial consequences. So while claiming to be single and free, I'm not so sure they are.

Sure they are. They have made a free choice to avoid the risk of losing half their sh*t. That's a rational, free choice. And a smart one.

Put it in purely financial terms. If a broker told you he had a fund that you could invest all your money in, and there was a 50/50 chance that it would lose all of its value (permanently, no rebound), would you invest your money there? Is a person who declines "painting himself into a corner"? Of course not. That person is acting intelligently, given the risks.

It's actually marriage that "paints you into a corner" in a way that remaining unmarried does not. I'm not even talking about the fact that you're tied permanently to one partner and his/her lifestyle. I'm talking about the fact that marriage involves entering into a legal contract with the government, a contract that is legally enforceable by the state. This includes divorce settlements that are often extremely unfair (I can point you to any number of horror stories about that; perhaps your friends have heard them). No matter how unfair the terms, the state will make sure you obey. At that point, "painted into a corner" will be a gross understatement.

Someone who decides to keep the government out of his/her relationships and sidestep all of those risks is not "painting himself in a corner." It's actually the exact opposite. He or she is acting on rational, intelligent self-interest.

 

[athena53]

I’ve noticed that opposite sex couples more often than not have the female far ahead of the male when hiking. My buddy who is in pretty good shape says his gf is often 40 feet or more out ahead on a trail. No wonder they don’t want to marry slow poke.

Well, judging from the number of guys on Match.com who are looking for a woman an an age range with a max of 10 years younger than they are- I can see why!

 

[brett]

I have to wonder how many people got married years ago become of social pressure.

We were married almost 44 years ago. We waited 11 years to have children. We can still remember some of the comments we got about not having children. It was very surprising, especially from DW's family who were/all like rabbits.

In the end I resorted to one of two comments. I either replied that I was inpotent or DW was frigid. That usually shut them up for a while.

What on earth is wrong with being single if that is someone's preference?

 

[Music Lover]

Sure they are. They have made a free choice to avoid the risk of losing half their sh*t. That's a rational, free choice.

Perhaps, but there's always the option of finding a partner who has their own money and assets.

 

[scrabbler1]

Sure they are. They have made a free choice to avoid the risk of losing half their sh*t. That's a rational, free choice.

Put it in purely financial terms. If a broker told you he had a fund that you could invest all your money in, and it had a 50% chance of completely tanking in the next 10 years, would you take that bet? Would you think that a person who declined that option was "painting himself in a corner"? I don't. I think that person is acting in his rational self-interest.

It's actually marriage that "paints you into a corner" in a way that remaining unmarried does not. I'm not even talking about the fact that you're restricted to one partner. I'm talking about the fact that marriage involves entering into a legal contract with the government, a contract that is legally enforceable by the state. This includes divorce settlements that are often extremely unfair (I can point you to any number of horror stories about that). The state will step in and make sure you obey, or else you're going to prison. That is a heck of a lot more "painted into a corner" than remaining free of all that.

Well put, ER Eddie.

 

[haha]

This includes divorce settlements that are often extremely unfair (I can point you to any number of horror stories about that). The state will step in and make sure you obey, or else you're going to prison. That is a heck of a lot more "painted into a corner" than remaining free of all that.

This prison threat and reality is to the best of my knowledge the only debtors prison left in the western world.

I cannot understand why any young man today would marry, unless he has little or no social skills to interact with women with whom he has no open ended, state mandated and enforced contract.

Ha

 

[Which Roger]

Perhaps, but there's always the option of finding a partner who has their own money and assets.

+1 and thank you. There's an underlying assumption in much of this discussion that the men have all the money and the women spend all the money, and that's simply not true.

 

[ER Eddie]

Perhaps, but there's always the option of finding a partner who has their own money and assets.

Theoretically, sure, but the number of single women who have a million dollar portfolio and who also have the other criteria I would want (e.g., good connection, similar values, good personality, compatible, no kids under 18, attractive, etc.) is a very small number. Not very likely.

 

[Mmm Rrr]

Theoretically, sure, but the number of single women who have a million dollar portfolio and who also have the other criteria I would want (e.g., good connection, similar values, good personality, compatible, no kids under 18, attractive, etc.) is a very small number. Not very likely.

I guess I agree, but I think the same holds true if you swap the genders.

Many years ago when I was interviewing FAs, one actually suggested to me that the advantage to using him (local) was that I would meet "people like me" at his gatherings. The strong impression I had was that he was talking about single men! I went with an advisor across the state.

 

[Music Lover]

Theoretically, sure, but the number of single women who have a million dollar portfolio and who also have the other criteria I would want (e.g., good connection, similar values, good personality, compatible, no kids under 18, attractive, etc.) is a very small number. Not very likely.

As Mmm stated...those criteria are rare, regardless of gender. Although, I will admit that there is a greater chance that men will have more assets.

But, assets don't have to be equal...each person really only needs enough that they can support themselves and chip in for shared expenses living a similar lifestyle with a partner who has more.

 

[ER Eddie]

I guess I agree, but I think the same holds true if you swap the genders.

No doubt.

Btw, I forgot to mention a couple other factors. Even if I were to find that proverbial needle in a haystack (attractive, million dollar portfolio, good personality, similar values/outlook, etc.) who had not already been snatched up, she would also have to 1) want to marry (many older women do not, as we've seen in this thread), and 2) want to marry me (and I'm not everyone's cup of tea, especially tea for life).

I'd estimate the chances of all that happening -- the stars aligning -- to be about half a percent. And even then, I'm just not interested in getting married. I don't really see the upside.

Many years ago when I was interviewing FAs, one actually suggested to me that the advantage to using him (local) was that I would meet "people like me" at his gatherings. The strong impression I had was that he was talking about single men! I went with an advisor across the state.

"Let me handle your money, and I'll get you some dates." lol. My financial advisor doesn't have great boundaries either -- she's always talking about her personal life -- but at least she hasn't tried to set me up yet.

 

[Music Lover]

What on earth is wrong with being single if that is someone's preference?

Absolutely nothing if that's what you really want. I do know one person who is truly happy being single...maybe 2 people.

On the other hand, I know a few people who say they are happy being single...but the reality is they never made much effort to find someone, possibly thinking that it would just happen. Then suddenly they're older and haven't dated in a decade, and all their formerly single friends are now in committed relationships and don't have much time for them any more.

 

[rodi]

3. Many people (and I am looking mostly at women here) simply don't want to remarry. Period. Full Stop. End of Discussion. They want a partner, a lover, a travel companion, somebody to help and be helped by in times of need, and even a housemate. But, marriage? No Way.

This was my dad's experience/impression after my mom died... He was lonely and joined several bridge clubs to find smart women to date who were age appropriate. (On a side note - I was *so* happy he did not go for women 20 years his junior.) Most of the women he asked out for coffee or lunch made it very clear they were not interested in remarrying... right from the get-go. Fortunately, he met my step mom... She also had no interest in marrying - stating they weren't going to be having any kids. (Both were in their 70's). But they ended up shacking up and getting registered as "domestic partners"... which covered most of the legal issues that come with marriage. I'm still close to my step-mom (and most of her kids/grandkids), even though she came into our family late in life, and my dad died 5 years after they met.

My sister is recently divorced... she's very skittish of entangling finances or sharing her home with anyone. She'd like to date. I think if she met the right person she'd look for a situation like W2R and Frank.... Separate houses but see each other daily.

 

[dvalley]

My sister is recently divorced... she's very skittish of entangling finances or sharing her home with anyone. She'd like to date. I think if she met the right person she'd look for a situation like W2R and Frank.... Separate houses but see each other daily.

Is she cute and near San Diego?

 

[JustCurious]

I cannot understand why any young man today would marry, unless he has little or no social skills to interact with women with whom he has no open ended, state mandated and enforced contract.
Ha

There are several reasons, but the most obvious is this...a man meets a woman and gets into a relationship and falls in love and decides that he does not want to lose her, and she says she will leave him if they don't marry, so he agrees because he does not want to lose her.

 

[dvalley]

There are several reasons, but the most obvious is this...a man meets a woman and gets into a relationship and falls in love and decides that he does not want to lose her, and she says she will leave him if they don't marry, so he agrees because he does not want to lose her. A few or several years later she still leaves him and with half of everything he owned. After the emotional pain and suffering of trying to understand what went wrong he finally learns that men think in absolute terms of "forever" but most women (who grew up without a strong father figure in life) think in relative terms, their forever is "fornow" because of their natural hypergamy instincts. He then learns and becomes a player which is what most women subconsciously desire, they want to be with a man who's a 'badass', a challenge, who doesn't give a fly'n anything about anyone, and they're attracted to the man who's surrounded by other women, why? because they want to be the special snowflake that tames the beast. Yep, the classic beauty and the beast story plays over and over again in real life.

You forgot to finish that sentence

 

[gretah]

I love living alone and have never married. I enjoy being a true loner - I read more than a dozen books a month and I write books. I adore interesting conversation (not involving sports, politics, or grandchildren) and it's easy to find friends for that while doing volunteer work if you live in a city.

And I love traveling alone. Men spend a lot of time eating: going out to breakfast, having a nice leisurely lunch, lingering over a restaurant dinner. Every. Single. Day. I want to grab breakfast at a Paris crepe stand and hit a museum. Lovely dinner, yes, but not hours each day spent on eating.

And at my age, the men who would be attracted to me are in their 70s or older. So if we got together, we'd have a couple of nice years then I turn into a caregiver or put him in a nursing home.

I'll keep my dog, books, volunteer work, and NPR, thank you.

 

[Nemo2]

Men spend a lot of time eating: going out to breakfast, having a nice leisurely lunch, lingering over a restaurant dinner. Every. Single. Day.

And some men laugh at those who spend all their time eating, and then wonder where the extra weight came from.