Help in caring for the elderly

[Mr._johngalt]

That's what my in-laws did. My MIL is now in constant pain from her broken hip that won't heal. My demented FIL is seeing how much progress she's making and is ready to move them both home. It's so much fun.

I feel your pain. Doesn't matter vis-a-vis my situation. No serious
changes until we have a complete calamity. I don't like it. That's
just the way it is.

JG

 

[Outtahere]

I see my future in all your posts. I live in the house next to Dad, I can tell just from little quips I get from him that he's not leaving - ever! Hopefully my sister will need to live with him by then because she can't exsist on SS and I'll be spared sleeping there.

 

[2B]

I see my future in all your posts. I live in the house next to Dad, I can tell just from little quips I get from him that he's not leaving - ever! Hopefully my sister will need to live with him by then because she can't exsist on SS and I'll be spared sleeping there.

The best answer to an elder care issue is to have another sibling responsible. Get a power of attorney if you don't already have one.

 

[Meadbh]

Get a power of attorney if you don't already have one.

Assuming that Mom/Dad will agree! And in my experience, the parents who won't agree to move to asssisted living are the same ones who won't agree to a POA. If this happens to you, just attempt to live with it and take measures to stay sane till the inevitable happens.

 

[Billy]

Assuming that Mom/Dad will agree! And in my experience, the parents who won't agree to move to asssisted living are the same ones who won't agree to a POA. If this happens to you, just attempt to live with it and take measures to stay sane till the inevitable happens.

I agree. Life isn't always in neat packages. It would be easier if it were, but sometimes we must let others live their lives and we do the best we can with the mess it creates... I don't mean to be cruel, but everyone is different, and some people, for various reasons, simply do not want POA's, assisted living, clear cut wills, and so on.

We can't force it and that is aggravating - or at least to me, it is...

I suppose, in their fantasy, they think they will just disappear when they die, and besides they won't be around to worry about this mess they leave behind.

Ugh.

Meanwhile, just do the best you are able...

Akaisha
Author, The Adventurer's Guide to Early Retirement

 

[youbet]

I suppose, in their fantasy, they think they will just disappear when they die, and besides they won't be around to worry about this mess they leave behind.

What is this "mess" you're referring to? If it's a lot of junk to get rid of and a house to sell, that's really, really simple with lots of readily available professional help available to take care of it. If it's dividing the estate among heirs, hey any of them that don't want to be involved can just walk away.

I agree that when personal safety and well being call for assisted living, then it is appropriate, even against the elderly person's wishes. But I think the issue of "messes" being left behind, etc., is greatly overstated.

 

[shorttimer]

I worry about my elderly MIL who is caring for FIL. He is extremely stubborn and barely lets us help. He is running her ragged. For instance, won't let us put in a shower and she literally has to lift him out of the bathtub. He gets up several times a night for the bathroom. Doesn't want a nightlight because it keeps him awake so turns on the light in the room while she is trying to sleep. He insists on not hiring help to mow the lawn or shovel so she does it and is almost eighty. Get the idea, a codependent relationship at it's worse. social services have tried to step in at times but they won't have it and the relationship is more sick than dangerous so there is little we can do. they have money to hire help and of course could sell the house and move to an apartment but won't hear of it. the neighbors and we all try to do what we can when they let us.

We'll all keep trying, though, to be nice and helpful. And when they have to call 911 like they do every few months we go and be supportive to MIL. They would never let a service like the original poster showed come anywhere near them. Especially if they thought a plumber might be called in to fix a roof instead of a roofer. That detail is the one they would focus on so they could deny help.

My own parents died suddenly in their fifties so my sibs and I missed all this. We did have a houseful of junk to clean out, my favorite was all the gifts we had given my mother for years, still in boxes and tissue while she wore ripped nightgowns.

 

[2B]

My own parents died suddenly in their fifties so my sibs and I missed all this. We did have a houseful of junk to clean out, my favorite was all the gifts we had given my mother for years, still in boxes and tissue while she wore ripped nightgowns.

My parents had the decency to die fairly quickly and when they still had their minds.

Without a POA, you are hopeless in trying to straighten out a dangerous situation. Their finances were becoming a total disaster. They didn't have the mental capacity to manage their own finances and without intervention they would have been broke and deep in debt. You are not doing anyone a favor that has lost their ability to think rationally (like your in laws -- both of them based on the post) to let them "live their life like they want to." They have a mental condition and need help.

 

[Billy]

My parents had the decency to die fairly quickly and when they still had their minds.

My Mother was quite assertive in making sure we knew where their will was and all necessary papers. She was not afraid to speak of death or life changes. She did it years before any real illnesses began... to be honest? She gave most of my friends (who didn't want to think of their own parents being vulnerable) the creeps.

She was very clear headed up until the night she died. I admired her forthrightness and willingness to meet situations head on. IMO, not everyone is like this,... and creates the condition you speak of below:

Without a POA, you are hopeless in trying to straighten out a dangerous situation. Their finances were becoming a total disaster. They didn't have the mental capacity to manage their own finances and without intervention they would have been broke and deep in debt. You are not doing anyone a favor that has lost their ability to think rationally (like your in laws -- both of them based on the post) to let them "live their life like they want to." They have a mental condition and need help.

Where I question, is how much and how far to push? I no longer have my parents, but I still have siblings and close loved relatives... I tend to stay in the background until I am called...

Akaisha
Author, The Adventurer's Guide to Early Retirement

 

[shorttimer]

You can't just decide you want to be POA for someone. If social services and physicians deem them to be competant you have limited options.

The one family member who pushed it is now on the outside and they won't talk to her. She is quite wealthy and only had their interest at heart, they accused her of trying to take their money. I don't believe she would ever think of doing that.

I think the problem is there was a lot of dysfunction that was going on all along that is more visible now.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

You can't just decide you want to be POA for someone. If social services and physicians deem them to be competant you have limited options.

The one family member who pushed it is now on the outside and they won't talk to her. She is quite wealthy and only had their interest at heart, they accused her of trying to take their money. I don't believe she would ever think of doing that.

I think the problem is there was a lot of dysfunction that was going on all along that is more visible now.

We have POA for just about everything. I had to wait for a crisis to
"get 'er done" but it's sure nice to have it in place now.

JG

 

[Billy]

The one family member who pushed it is now on the outside and they won't talk to her. She is quite wealthy and only had their interest at heart, they accused her of trying to take their money. I don't believe she would ever think of doing that.

I understand... hence, my reticence. 8)

I think the problem is there was a lot of dysfunction that was going on all along that is more visible now.

I think that is the truth -- the crisis or the stress brings it all out.

I have to chuckle when I think of what someone said to me once: "Everyone seems normal till you get to know them..."

It makes me smile even today..

Be well,
Akaisha
Author, The Adventurer's Guide to Early Retirement