Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Help with babysitter
Old 11-04-2011, 11:57 AM   #1
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 38
Help with babysitter

I need a little "friendly" advice concerning a babysitter matter. My wife and I have a four month old daughter that is kept four days per week by my mother and mother-in-law. Here's the problem...

My mother-in-law keeps our daughter twice per week with little to no incident. Our little girl seems to enjoy staying with her and we have no reservations about her continuing to do so.

My mother keeps our daughter twice per week as well but we do have some "small" incidents on occasion. Honestly, our little girl doesn't seem to enjoy her stays with my mother. It's a loving situation but I just feel as though my mom doesn't know what to do at times despite raising four boys. I'm not questioning her skills as a parent, because she knows way more than I ever will, but I just don't know what to do. I have tried to gently and politely nudge her in the direction that we would like her to go, but there is some resistance there and I can sympathize with that. I don't want to alienate my mom or make her feel inadequate but I also want what is best for our daughter. Again, the situation is a loving one and my mom wants to do her best, so I don't feel as though our daughter is being harmed in any way. What do I do?
__________________

__________________
kfindley79 is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 11-04-2011, 12:07 PM   #2
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
This is your kid, better to what is right for the kid than to keep peace in the family. Do what is best for the kid, not what is best for the parent or your parent.

I have had same issues. Do what is best for the kid.
__________________

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 01:21 PM   #3
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 102
When you have someone else take care of your child, there will be difference in the way they do things but they're usually small stuff like you said. It comes with the territory and you either have to accept it or find someone else who fits your style. It's hard to gently push them to do certain things b/c there will always be another thing coming along. We had similar situation with both of our kids but the most important thing is love and no other babysitters will love your kid more than your mom.

At 4 months old, it's kinda hard to tell whether they enjoy or not. They just sleep, drink milk and poop and occasionally tries to interact but it's mostly sleep.

Last thing, it's always good to create that bond between family when they're young. My MIL took care of my 1st one until she was 1. My mom was out of the picture. Now, my 1st one definitely connects better with MIL but it's the same from parents side too. My mom "enjoys" seeing my daughter but not as much as my MIL.
__________________
HatePayingTaxes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 01:44 PM   #4
Moderator
Sarah in SC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 13,456
Quote:
Originally Posted by HatePayingTaxes View Post

At 4 months old, it's kinda hard to tell whether they enjoy or not. They just sleep, drink milk and poop and occasionally tries to interact but it's mostly sleep.
That is what I (admittedly, the childfree person) thought, too.
But I also think that the benefits of getting to spend time and bond with both grandmothers is worth some small differences in the way they grandparent.

You peeps with kids, though, y'all weigh in. 'Cause I wouldn't trust either one of the grandparents to watch my tiny Biscuit dog!
__________________
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.”
Gerard Arthur Way

Sarah in SC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 01:57 PM   #5
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by HatePayingTaxes View Post
When you have someone else take care of your child, there will be difference in the way they do things but they're usually small stuff like you said. It comes with the territory and you either have to accept it or find someone else who fits your style. It's hard to gently push them to do certain things b/c there will always be another thing coming along. We had similar situation with both of our kids but the most important thing is love and no other babysitters will love your kid more than your mom.

At 4 months old, it's kinda hard to tell whether they enjoy or not. They just sleep, drink milk and poop and occasionally tries to interact but it's mostly sleep.

Last thing, it's always good to create that bond between family when they're young. My MIL took care of my 1st one until she was 1. My mom was out of the picture. Now, my 1st one definitely connects better with MIL but it's the same from parents side too. My mom "enjoys" seeing my daughter but not as much as my MIL.
I don't disagree with that statement but our daughter definitely reacts when she is dropped off at my mother's house. I'm not sure what it is but her demeanor changes for the worse at that very moment. That alone tells me that she is aware of the difference in the situation and it leads me to believe that she isn't "enjoying" it.

I also agree that my mom loves our child more than a stranger ever could or would. That was one of the main reasons we consider ourselves fortunate to have this available to us.
__________________
kfindley79 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 02:36 PM   #6
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
grumpy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,321
Parenting styles differ, period. If its not an issue of the child's health or safety there's an expression "....don't look a gift ....
__________________
...you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave...
grumpy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 02:51 PM   #7
Moderator Emeritus
Bestwifeever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 16,372
Are you paying the grandmothers for babysitting? Are you asking if your MIL should be the only one to watch the baby? Would she even want to spend four days a week babysitting?

In my experience the maternal grandmother is often closer to the grandchild for some reasons I just made up for the most part: maybe your MIL sounds like your wife in phrasing, tone, etc., and the baby is soothed by that. Your wife is probably treating the baby just like her mother treats the baby and treated your wife as a small child (vestiges of your wife's childhood--same nursery rhymes, etc.) so the baby is soothed by that. Conversely, your baby might be more comfortable with the paternal grandfather for the same reasons--the way your father treats the baby could be similar to how you treat her, vs. your wife' father.

Also, maybe your wife is more outspoken with her own mother about how to treat the baby but doesn't want to tell your mother for fear of seeming bossy or hurting her feelings, so leaves that to you, and you're misinterpreting what your mother "should" do re the baby so she's not getting consistent care from both grandmothers.

Personally, especially if the grandmas are doing this out of love and not for money, I would leave it be. The baby will get used to both and if you try to change one grandma out for the other, you are inviting much bigger problems than the baby's comfort.

Lucky baby!
__________________
“Would you like an adventure now, or would you like to have your tea first?” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Bestwifeever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 04:01 PM   #8
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 8,616
Years ago when my MIL was taking care of my baby son, I came home unexpectedly at lunch time and found an ambulance parked in front of the house.

My MIL had dropped him on his head as she was going to the phone. On the other end of the phone was my wife calling to see how things were going. I discerned all this because my MIL picked up the phone after my wife hung up and the answering machine picked up. My MIL had dropped the baby by then. I have never heard total fear in anyone's voice except on that recording which I deleted before my wife could listen to it.

The paramedics said the baby was fine but would be better if my MIL stopped mashing an ice cube into the knot on his head.

So I would hang out with both moms when they have the baby and when your wife is not around. Then make a decision on who you want to continue babysitting.

A final note, the next time an ambulance came to the house was when my MIL fell down the stairs, cracked her head open and later died. Once again, my wife was not home, so I was the one who dialed 911.
__________________
LOL! is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 04:39 PM   #9
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Brat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 5,913
You haven't mentioned how old your mother is, or her health, or how long it has been since she cared for a baby. Have you considered having a grandmother's helper part of the day? Your mother may have the best of intentions but is overwhelmed.

It is one thing to be in your 40s and caring for a baby, quite another when you are in your late 60s.
__________________
Duck bjorn.
Brat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 04:59 PM   #10
Moderator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Rocky Inlets
Posts: 24,418
Quote:
Originally Posted by kfindley79 View Post
I don't disagree with that statement but our daughter definitely reacts when she is dropped off at my mother's house. I'm not sure what it is but her demeanor changes for the worse at that very moment. That alone tells me that she is aware of the difference in the situation and it leads me to believe that she isn't "enjoying" it.

I also agree that my mom loves our child more than a stranger ever could or would. That was one of the main reasons we consider ourselves fortunate to have this available to us.
A four month old child responds and reacts more to the parents and their state of mind than anything else. If the parent is anxious when dropping off a baby, the child will bring that anxiety along with.

There already seems to be some difference of opinion regarding how to care for the baby. Could there further disagreement between the grandmothers regarding "how to" or "what's best" and could this be manifesting itself some way here? Are you sure your mother wants to do this, and if she does, if she has the stamina? Maybe she isn't being realistic with herself. Have you spend a prolonged period with her while she cares for the child to see and judge for yourself? It seems to me you and your wife need to spend time with both grandmothers to observe how the care is being given before you can judge something like this.

If you fear some type of abuse you need to stop leaving the baby with the grandparent. If you don't like how one cares for the baby you don't have many options. Use a daycare, a paid sitter, or the other grandparent all the time. Tell a grandmother she isn't doing it right isn't going to work because you are proof she does know. It may lead to hurt feelings or worse.

Remember, there are many "wrong ways" to raise a child, but there are also many "right ways". There is no "single best way" despite what you hear from the thousands of books, magazines, web sites and professional advice givers. Both grandmothers probably know that.
__________________
MichaelB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 07:53 PM   #11
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelB View Post
A four month old child responds and reacts more to the parents and their state of mind than anything else. If the parent is anxious when dropping off a baby, the child will bring that anxiety along with.

There already seems to be some difference of opinion regarding how to care for the baby. Could there further disagreement between the grandmothers regarding "how to" or "what's best" and could this be manifesting itself some way here? Are you sure your mother wants to do this, and if she does, if she has the stamina? Maybe she isn't being realistic with herself. Have you spend a prolonged period with her while she cares for the child to see and judge for yourself? It seems to me you and your wife need to spend time with both grandmothers to observe how the care is being given before you can judge something like this.

If you fear some type of abuse you need to stop leaving the baby with the grandparent. If you don't like how one cares for the baby you don't have many options. Use a daycare, a paid sitter, or the other grandparent all the time. Tell a grandmother she isn't doing it right isn't going to work because you are proof she does know. It may lead to hurt feelings or worse.

Remember, there are many "wrong ways" to raise a child, but there are also many "right ways". There is no "single best way" despite what you hear from the thousands of books, magazines, web sites and professional advice givers. Both grandmothers probably know that.
No, I am not sure. She offered to help us and we have asked repeatedly whether she wants to continue...she says yes, but I'm not sure she would ever say no.

It has been 20 years since my mom has had any interaction with an infant and I think that "rust" is now showing up. We had hoped that she would pick up where she left off...maybe she just needs a little more time.

Again, it's not a question of whether our child is cared for or not. It's a question more of what's the best thing to do. There's not a strong sense that we need to end my mom's part in this, so the decision is a difficult one for us.

Thanks for all the replies.
__________________
kfindley79 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 10:37 PM   #12
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Brat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 5,913
Wanting to care for a your grand-baby is different than the reality and I am sure she wants to measure up to the job - particularly in comparison to the other grandmother. Try arranging for a helper for a couple hours during the day to see if that won't improve the situation. Give her some relief, gracefully.
__________________
Duck bjorn.
Brat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 11:29 PM   #13
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,648
Quote:
Originally Posted by kfindley79 View Post
Again, it's not a question of whether our child is cared for or not. It's a question more of what's the best thing to do. There's not a strong sense that we need to end my mom's part in this, so the decision is a difficult one for us.

Thanks for all the replies.
As long as your child is truly being cared for and there is no neglect why is there a question on your mind?
There is a significant difference between babysitting and nuturing. Do you know if your mom ...is nurturing her....interacting with her when she is awake or ...does your daughter just sit/lay there not being entertained for the most part of the day or when she is not asleep...while your mom does other things.?

Childrens brains need stimulation, eye contact, music, interactive playing., human touch........even at this age.

When you are around them...how does your mom interact with her?
__________________
sheehs1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2011, 11:29 PM   #14
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,648
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brat View Post
Wanting to care for a your grand-baby is different than the reality and I am sure she wants to measure up to the job - particularly in comparison to the other grandmother. Try arranging for a helper for a couple hours during the day to see if that won't improve the situation. Give her some relief, gracefully.
Agree.
__________________

__________________
sheehs1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:46 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.