brewer12345
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Thanks for all the helpful suggestions and support. I will have to see how much I can implement in my life as it stands.
How do you deal with the down side of life?
- Thread starter brewer12345
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rescueme
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
You are not alone, believe me.
Without going into specifics other than sharing a similar Roman Catholic upbringing, I had "hit the wall" in late 2001 in family, job, and personal problems.
For me, the answer did lie with my employer at the time, through their EAP:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Employee_assistance_programs
While only in therapy for a few sessions, it helped me to realize that the forces that surround me at the time (and still do) did not have to totally destroy my life. I learned a lot about myself and what I had gone through during the past five decades, which could only be "interpreted" by someone else who was outside my circle.
Religion and the bottle did not help me. A concerned, professional voice from "outside" did. It's been over 10 years since that crisis period and while I still face most of what almost drove me over the edge, I now understand that most of my personal challenges are outside my control. Some were, and changes were made over time to eliminate their impact upon my life. All and all, I'm better for what I went through, and the help I received.
That's just my story. Good luck to you.
Without going into specifics other than sharing a similar Roman Catholic upbringing, I had "hit the wall" in late 2001 in family, job, and personal problems.
For me, the answer did lie with my employer at the time, through their EAP:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Employee_assistance_programs
While only in therapy for a few sessions, it helped me to realize that the forces that surround me at the time (and still do) did not have to totally destroy my life. I learned a lot about myself and what I had gone through during the past five decades, which could only be "interpreted" by someone else who was outside my circle.
Religion and the bottle did not help me. A concerned, professional voice from "outside" did. It's been over 10 years since that crisis period and while I still face most of what almost drove me over the edge, I now understand that most of my personal challenges are outside my control. Some were, and changes were made over time to eliminate their impact upon my life. All and all, I'm better for what I went through, and the help I received.
That's just my story. Good luck to you.
Brewer, life doesn't turn into a big **** sandwich. At times the bad parts bunch together, get you down, and make you think they are a turning point in your life.
They are not. Its just that the good and bad are not evenly spread through life. You don't overcome the bad times so much, you need to believe they will pass by, and continue to believe in yourself. Your skills have not changed and your abilities have not diminished - in fact, both are probably getting better as you age and learn. Bad times at work together with distressing times in your personal life are a lousy coincidence. It's important to remember that you are the rudder in your life and others, they still need you, your abilities and support you.
You are never as good as everyone says you are when you are at the top of your game, and you are never as bad as you think you are when you are at the bottom.
They are not. Its just that the good and bad are not evenly spread through life. You don't overcome the bad times so much, you need to believe they will pass by, and continue to believe in yourself. Your skills have not changed and your abilities have not diminished - in fact, both are probably getting better as you age and learn. Bad times at work together with distressing times in your personal life are a lousy coincidence. It's important to remember that you are the rudder in your life and others, they still need you, your abilities and support you.
You are never as good as everyone says you are when you are at the top of your game, and you are never as bad as you think you are when you are at the bottom.
happy2bretired
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I was going to say what bbbamI said. Maybe men don't cry as much as women, but maybe they should a little. You should actually feel what you are feeling, without any anti-depressants, alcohol or drugs of any kind, and then a good cry sometimes just helps relieve the built up feelings that you really can't describe...feelings that you only can feel.
FinanceDude
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I understand completely, I had some major bad things happen to my family in 2006. I did not feel like myself for as couple years. I am not that religious, despite being raised strict Catholic. I have found a local non-denominational church that is full of positive people. It was like a breath of fresh air. I started reading the Bible, seemed to settle me down......
FinanceDude
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Lots of great advice - I find that shifting my viewpoint to that of gratitude for what I do have and realizing I am a small speck in the overall scheme of things helps calm me down - after I've had the emotion drain me for awhile. Exercise is amazing, too. A run or vigorous hike or bike-ride - outside. It helps to shift your mind to something else or helps you clarify what's important.
You are correct in that everyone has their temperamental set point. The fact that you realize yours is a bit lower than that you've seen in others is good information. You know that you might tend to look at things more critically - that is important in some situations and destructive in others. If you can find someone who has a more positive set point and interact with them, you might be able to 'absorb' some of that energy to negate some of yours.
Other people swear by helping others who are less fortunate than them - again, you end up comparing and realizing how fortunate you are. Can help to move the line regarding what to be happy or thankful about.
In any case, as everything, this too shall pass. And hopefully you will have wisdom based on the experience. My heart goes out to you and your family during this stressful time.
You are correct in that everyone has their temperamental set point. The fact that you realize yours is a bit lower than that you've seen in others is good information. You know that you might tend to look at things more critically - that is important in some situations and destructive in others. If you can find someone who has a more positive set point and interact with them, you might be able to 'absorb' some of that energy to negate some of yours.
Other people swear by helping others who are less fortunate than them - again, you end up comparing and realizing how fortunate you are. Can help to move the line regarding what to be happy or thankful about.
In any case, as everything, this too shall pass. And hopefully you will have wisdom based on the experience. My heart goes out to you and your family during this stressful time.
Bimmerbill
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I feel your pain. I try to remember the good things (I tend to focus on negatives too much) and remember that the tough times will pass.
I just stick to my routine and my stubborness carries me forward, no mattar what I face.
I sure hope the future will be better.
I just stick to my routine and my stubborness carries me forward, no mattar what I face.
I sure hope the future will be better.
Texas Proud
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Brewer.... lot of great advice... but for me, meditation and yoga did not get my mind off of negative things...
For me, it is just trying to look at the various items and try and decide if there is anything I can do about it... if there is not (like the health of father and FIL), I just put it in perspective and try and see the brighter side of things....
As for work, I had what I considered a toxic workplace for a couple of years... I just did what I needed to do at work and left... I viewed it as a paycheck and nothing else.. I did start to look for something else and found a good job that led to another that lead to another... so in the end it was a good result...
But, your DNA can be very different... I know my sisters are... I will give an example... a few decades ago there was a major earthquake in Mexico City... my mother an sister were vacationing there... we did not hear from them for about 5 days... my sisters were frantic and worried... I was concerned, but there was nothing I could do (my mom was big on winging it when she traveled).... one of my sisters asked me about why I was not as worried... I said 'they are either dead or alive, if they are dead, there is nothing I can do. If they are alive, they will show up sometime'... they showed up...
My point is that our attitude toward life's ups and downs can be changed if we just view things a bit different...
Good luck in changing yours in whatever way you do.....
For me, it is just trying to look at the various items and try and decide if there is anything I can do about it... if there is not (like the health of father and FIL), I just put it in perspective and try and see the brighter side of things....
As for work, I had what I considered a toxic workplace for a couple of years... I just did what I needed to do at work and left... I viewed it as a paycheck and nothing else.. I did start to look for something else and found a good job that led to another that lead to another... so in the end it was a good result...
But, your DNA can be very different... I know my sisters are... I will give an example... a few decades ago there was a major earthquake in Mexico City... my mother an sister were vacationing there... we did not hear from them for about 5 days... my sisters were frantic and worried... I was concerned, but there was nothing I could do (my mom was big on winging it when she traveled).... one of my sisters asked me about why I was not as worried... I said 'they are either dead or alive, if they are dead, there is nothing I can do. If they are alive, they will show up sometime'... they showed up...
My point is that our attitude toward life's ups and downs can be changed if we just view things a bit different...
Good luck in changing yours in whatever way you do.....
KB
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I want to send you a big hug.
I've struggled with mild depression most of my adult life. I find that eating healthy and getting myself outside really helps. Even going in the back yard and walking around will improve my mood. I find that I start weeding or looking at the birds...walking the dogs too.
Spending a little time doing something that you enjoy helps too. Whether it is reading something interesting, looking through your brewing books and planning your next brews (though it sounds in another post as if you have already done that) or looking at your financial numbers.
Only you can judge the level of depression you might be experiencing....medication can help on a temporary basis if you think you should go to your doctor to discuss.
I've struggled with mild depression most of my adult life. I find that eating healthy and getting myself outside really helps. Even going in the back yard and walking around will improve my mood. I find that I start weeding or looking at the birds...walking the dogs too.
Spending a little time doing something that you enjoy helps too. Whether it is reading something interesting, looking through your brewing books and planning your next brews (though it sounds in another post as if you have already done that) or looking at your financial numbers.
Only you can judge the level of depression you might be experiencing....medication can help on a temporary basis if you think you should go to your doctor to discuss.
Midpack
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Sorry to hear about your rough patch, I know I'm better for having read many of your posts over the years.
I've never gotten much from religion myself, but spirituality is extremely important for me to live my life, good and bad. Many people think they are one in the same, they aren't at all IMO. Spirituality is too small a part of religion, especially in the western world, in my experience (believe me I tried the religion route).
And from spiritual reading, learning to live in the present makes all the difference too, stay out of the past and future as much as possible. You can't change the past, just learn and move on. And you need to plan for the future, but the more time your head is in the future, the more you miss in the present. Probably too brief to make sense, but understanding this (and ego) has made a huge difference in my life.
And finally, keeping yourself occupied always helps too. Even being at work is better than dwelling on problems from my experience.
All the best...
I've never gotten much from religion myself, but spirituality is extremely important for me to live my life, good and bad. Many people think they are one in the same, they aren't at all IMO. Spirituality is too small a part of religion, especially in the western world, in my experience (believe me I tried the religion route).
And from spiritual reading, learning to live in the present makes all the difference too, stay out of the past and future as much as possible. You can't change the past, just learn and move on. And you need to plan for the future, but the more time your head is in the future, the more you miss in the present. Probably too brief to make sense, but understanding this (and ego) has made a huge difference in my life.
And finally, keeping yourself occupied always helps too. Even being at work is better than dwelling on problems from my experience.
All the best...
Brewer,
I don't have any great wisdom to impart. I've had rough patches like most folks (am in one now), but I suppose I'm not introspective enough to figure out how I got through them.
Some minor ideas. All will sound trite and hokey:
- Get enough sleep. If you can't, then at least realize that the lack of sleep is likely an important contributing factor to feeling blue. Depressed people sometimes sleep a lot, but often I got wound up in trying to "solve" the problems at hand, get too little sleep, and ended up in a negative feedback loop.
- Look forward: It's a good way to concentrate on the good things to come and how you can get there. Maybe this is weak (avoiding addressing the current situation and the causes of the depression), but, to me, ignoring the problem to look ahead isn't maladaptive, it is a way of coping and not devoting mental energy to things I can't fix and concentrating on making things better. This won't work for everyone.
- Put yourself ahead 5 years and look back. What will have been really important in retrospect? It's a way of gaining perspective that sometimes is hard to get when the problems are crushing.
Best of luck. Keep communicating.
samclem
I don't have any great wisdom to impart. I've had rough patches like most folks (am in one now), but I suppose I'm not introspective enough to figure out how I got through them.
Some minor ideas. All will sound trite and hokey:
- Get enough sleep. If you can't, then at least realize that the lack of sleep is likely an important contributing factor to feeling blue. Depressed people sometimes sleep a lot, but often I got wound up in trying to "solve" the problems at hand, get too little sleep, and ended up in a negative feedback loop.
- Look forward: It's a good way to concentrate on the good things to come and how you can get there. Maybe this is weak (avoiding addressing the current situation and the causes of the depression), but, to me, ignoring the problem to look ahead isn't maladaptive, it is a way of coping and not devoting mental energy to things I can't fix and concentrating on making things better. This won't work for everyone.
- Put yourself ahead 5 years and look back. What will have been really important in retrospect? It's a way of gaining perspective that sometimes is hard to get when the problems are crushing.
Best of luck. Keep communicating.
samclem
HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Religion is very important to me. As a Reverend in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster...
Things that have worked for me in getting past rough patches:
Distraction: beers with your posse, movie night with the little woman, a concert, whatever...
Getting laid...
Exercise!
All trite, I know. But sometimes, as others have said, you just have to knuckle down, and get through it...
And...
YouTube - Always Look On The Bright Side of Life
Things that have worked for me in getting past rough patches:
Distraction: beers with your posse, movie night with the little woman, a concert, whatever...
Getting laid...
Exercise!
All trite, I know. But sometimes, as others have said, you just have to knuckle down, and get through it...
And...
YouTube - Always Look On The Bright Side of Life
donheff
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
It sounds like a lot of us have had similar patches -- it was about 16 years ago for me. I second the recommendations for exercise and activities with people. I think windsurfing helped pull me through some of the worst times - it was something I could look forward to. I also like Rich's suggestion of meditation. There is a good book from about 30 years ago called the Relaxation Response that culled out the essential process without the religious and philosophical trappings. Most of the book describes the medical underpinnings for why and how meditation works and debunks things like the need for a personal (and expensive) mantra but the technique itself is simplicity. Here is a website with a simple step by step guide.
Fireup2020
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Best to you my fellow New Jerseyan. Ditto what many have posted. This too shall pass.
freebird5825
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Oh, those times when the case of lemons is delivered to your door. 
Two life changing events...
1. I lost my Mom to undetected breast cancer in 2001. I took care of her 24/7 in her final days. I did not see a counselor afterwards. A mistaken decision on my part...
2. I lost my beloved husband to an aortic aneurism, with no prior symptoms, in 2004. All in the space of 6 hours between chest pain and passing. This time I sought out and saw a counselor. My doctor wrote me out of w*rk for 2 months so I could grieve and recover from the shock. Smart doctor.
One of the smartest things my grief counselor told me was to try to distinguish between things I had no control over (illness, death) and the things I could control (my reaction to both deaths, my natural optimism, my inner strength). I made a lot of lists in those days.
I am still deeply affected by both losses, but the difference is I have managed to regain control over my downside emotions.
It is not easy when those damn lemons keep tumbling in, but it can be done. Look deep inside and find your inner strength.
HUG
Two life changing events...
1. I lost my Mom to undetected breast cancer in 2001. I took care of her 24/7 in her final days. I did not see a counselor afterwards. A mistaken decision on my part...
2. I lost my beloved husband to an aortic aneurism, with no prior symptoms, in 2004. All in the space of 6 hours between chest pain and passing. This time I sought out and saw a counselor. My doctor wrote me out of w*rk for 2 months so I could grieve and recover from the shock. Smart doctor.
One of the smartest things my grief counselor told me was to try to distinguish between things I had no control over (illness, death) and the things I could control (my reaction to both deaths, my natural optimism, my inner strength). I made a lot of lists in those days.
I am still deeply affected by both losses, but the difference is I have managed to regain control over my downside emotions.
It is not easy when those damn lemons keep tumbling in, but it can be done. Look deep inside and find your inner strength.
HUG
We guys just resent having our emotions manipulated...
Leaving New Jersey-- the solution can't be that easy, can it?
unallowable
Dryer sheet aficionado
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brewer12345, I hope the good words provided here are helpful to you. They have been to me, so thank you for posting this. In my particular situation, Ihamo's spreadsheet sounds like just the thing to help me hang on. I have been through some tough times and for some reason they all seemed to stack up together - not spaced out at a more manageable pace.
The only thing I could add might sound too simple but when the tough times come I keep reminding myself that "this too shall pass". It helps me to remember that I made it through to the other side many times before and was able to look back and just must perservere.
The only thing I could add might sound too simple but when the tough times come I keep reminding myself that "this too shall pass". It helps me to remember that I made it through to the other side many times before and was able to look back and just must perservere.
Brat
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Brewer I wish I were close enough to help.
Please talk to your physician about support groups in your community that can help you cope with your family's health issues. As I recall you have young children, that can be an additional stressor for you and your wife. Consider using FMLA time as needed.
Then focus on your blessings and not the pos on your plate at the moment.
Please talk to your physician about support groups in your community that can help you cope with your family's health issues. As I recall you have young children, that can be an additional stressor for you and your wife. Consider using FMLA time as needed.
Then focus on your blessings and not the pos on your plate at the moment.
Ronstar
Moderator Emeritus
When I'm experiencing the down side of life, I remind myself that there are a lot of people that have it rougher than I do.
Seems to make the down times go by easier. I hope yours go by easier as well.
Seems to make the down times go by easier. I hope yours go by easier as well.
Midpack
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Might not work, but when friends of mine are down, I sometimes ask them (when I think I already know the answer), 'is this the worst thing that's ever happened to you?'
Answer (usually), "no."
And without asking them to describe or relive that worst event(s), 'did you go on to better days after that worst event(s) in your life?'
Answer (usually), "yes, I did now that I think about it."
Me, "any reason to think you won't come through this just as well if not better?"
Answer (usually), "you're probably right. I've been through tough times and worse times than this, and I'll feel better in time this time too. I've done it many times before."
It often seems to leave the other person more optimistic. And I use this on myself too at times.
Hope it helps someone, just another version of "this too shall pass" that the individual can see more directly...
missionfinder
Recycles dryer sheets
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Darn, you beat me to it!
Seriously though, like most people I've had to deal with depression at some stages of life. I've found setting a schedule and making a list of things to accomplish, actively doing these things, getting outside as much as possible and lots of human interaction help tremendously. Depression, for me at least, suppresses the urge to do those things and feeds on itself in a downward spiral. So for me the remedy is to do them even if I don't feel like it - especially interaction.
Even if the list of things to accomplish seem meaningless, they give me a black and white guide to show me I'm gaining momentum. I've often made it as simple as "clean up the shop, change the oil in the hot rod, wash 2 loads of clothes, cook dinner, wash the dishes, call 2 people just to chat, put my son to bed and read him 2 books" for a day's tasks. If I don't write it down, I end up feeling like I haven't accomplished much. When its in writing I can see I'm gaining each passing day.
