How do you help an abused spouse?

[brewer12345]

DW and I have a friend who is being abused by his wife. Things have been on-again, off-again over the last 6 months, but I probably do not know the whole story because they are not local to us. She recently escalated the situation by grabbing him by the face and throat and slamming his head into the wall a few times. It was bad enough that he called the police and she was booked and charged with a domestic abuse charge. She made bail within the day (he does not know who bailed her out) and charged a whopping amount on their joint credit card to do so. Despite haveing a headace a couple days later he does not want to be checked out by a doctor and seems to be doing what he has done all along - sweep it under the rug, blame himself and tell everyone that *now* they will work it out. They have two small children and in my estimation are sliding toward bankruptcy, despite him working two jobs.

The officer who showed up to arrest her told our friend that he did not like the direction this was going and recommended that our friend take an emergency restraining order on his wife (the cop was ready to do the paperwork on the spot), but our friend refused to do so. I am very concerned that she will continue escalating and I have no doubt that all of this is affecting their kids. Nothing DW, I or a mutual close friend say to him seems to get through and he wants to keep this whole incident very quiet (he will not tell his family or hers what happened).

This all looks like the classic pattern of an abused spouse, including the abused party knuckling under and apologizing for the abuser. Is there anything I can do to help him? I am tempted to show up unannounced and shuffle him and the kids off to a safe place, but I know he would not go along with it.

 

[HFWR]

This is a toughy, Brewer, but perhaps some authority figure, such as a preacher/pastor etc. that he might respect, and who is "neutral", could intervene more effectively.

 

[brewer12345]

This is a toughy, Brewer, but perhaps some authority figure, such as a preacher/pastor etc. that he might respect, and who is "neutral", could intervene more effectively.

Not religious and doesn't really have any authority figures in his life.

 

[rescueme]

This is a toughy, Brewer, but perhaps some authority figure, such as a preacher/pastor etc. that he might respect, and who is "neutral", could intervene more effectively.

Sorry, but that dosen't work.

My parents went through the same thing (and the reason I left home as soon as I could).

Don't look to religion to solve personal (not social) problems.

Just my POV, based upon reality...

 

[RunningBum]

Maybe take that trip to talk with him, and at least figure out all of the next steps such as the restraining order, getting to a safe place, shutting down accounts, etc, so that when he does make up his mind that he'll know what to do. Talk about what it's doing to the kids and maybe it'll sink in sooner rather than later. It could be that when he sees the options and that he doesn't have to go through this alone he will take some action.

 

[W2R]

He has to make the decision to leave, himself. Often those who are abused are in a sense participants in the situation (like those who go from one abusive relationship to another, for example). Hopefully he is not like that.

I think the best you can do is offer him a place of refuge. Sometimes communities will have a battered wives' refuge but not one for a battered husband. I suppose you could ask. Otherwise perhaps you could step up to the plate and offer him a room in your home. The idea is to provide him with a place where he is protected from her and she cannot get to him and beat him again, while he sorts out what to do with his life.

Once he is physically safe, you can start trying to find some counseling for him.

 

[rescueme]

He has to make the decision to leave, himself.

Fully agree.

Don't waste time on a situation that will never be as you wished it to be.

 

[brewer12345]

He has to make the decision to leave, himself. Often those who are abused are in a sense participants in the situation (like those who go from one abusive relationship to another, for example). Hopefully he is not like that.

I think the best you can do is offer him a place of refuge. Sometimes communities will have a battered wives' refuge but not one for a battered husband. I suppose you could ask. Otherwise perhaps you could step up to the plate and offer him a room in your home. The idea is to provide him with a place where he is protected from her and she cannot get to him and beat him again, while he sorts out what to do with his life.

Once he is physically safe, you can start trying to find some counseling for him.

I tend to agree that he has to make the choice. He is in counseling and they are supposedly in joint counseling, but it does not seem to be making much of a difference in the outcome.

I live ~1,000 miles away and in the city where her family lives, so I think a room in my house would not work (although I have offered). Frankly, I would happily pay the rent on a place for him and the kids to go if it came to that. He won't take it.

 

[W2R]

I tend to agree that he has to make the choice. He is in counseling and they are supposedly in joint counseling, but it does not seem to be making much of a difference in the outcome.

I live ~1,000 miles away and in the city where her family lives, so I think a room in my house would not work (although I have offered). Frankly, I would happily pay the rent on a place for him and the kids to go if it came to that. He won't take it.

In that case, it does not sound like he has made that choice and I would thoroughly agree with Rescueme's post:

Fully agree.

Don't waste time on a situation that will never be as you wished it to be.

It is sad to see this happening to a friend, but sometimes there is nothing we can do. It does not sound like this will end well.

 

[MichaelB]

I agree with W2R and Rescueme that as long as he does not make a choice, no one else can help. One thing would be the name of a local support group he could attend. Feedback from others dealing with similar issues can help.

A good therapist usually is helpful - but it is not a good sign that he is in counseling and it is not working.

 

[HFWR]

Don't get me wrong, I'm not religious, and wasn't suggesting that religion is an answer. Was just trying to think of someone who would have some "weight". Sometimes friends just get into trouble trying to intervene in these situations.

 

[eytonxav]

Probably not much more you can do, other than point out how bad this situation will become for his kids, if he refuses to take pro-active steps to separate from this horror. Maybe he will place them above his own well-being.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Do you have any friends in common (in his town) that could check in with him? I would say that he is facing the stigma of being the battered husband, in a world that only imagines battered wives.
If you can locate a support group (perhaps through the local police dept there) that might have folks who could just make contact with him, tell him that they've been there, etc, it might be enough to encourage him to make the break.
I would think that the chance to talk to someone who has been through something similar might be helpful.
You are a good friend to care for him, and I hope he does find his own way out.

 

[bbbamI]

At least he called the police and she was arrested for domestic violence. In most cases, photos will be taken of the victim if there are noticeable bruises, cuts, etc that will show up in a picture. Measurements of injuries will be noted as well. (I did this many times at the pd)

She now has a record. This may be a benefit to him if he decides to take further action.

I would happily pay the rent on a place for him and the kids to go if it came to that. He won't take it.

If he knows this is something you will do for him, it will be in the back of his mind. It will be up to him to extend his hand to you for help.

You're a good friend Brewer.

 

[brewer12345]

Part of the problem is that he is isolated where he is. He really does not have much in the way of a local social circle and he works from home in his day job. His closest friend lives overseas, I live 1000 miles away, and other friends are a few hundred miles away. DW and I do have an unrelated friend in the area who agreed to be on standby if the commode really hits the windmill.

I texted him this morning to make it clear that we are concerned about him and stand by ready to help. He responded acknowledging what I said, and then started in with apologies for her. I suppose I will just have to let it be and keep chatting with him every week or two.

 

[rodi]

Brewer - what a tough spot to be in.
Keep lines of communication open to him, so that when he is ready he knows you're there.
And when you talk to him - let him know he needs to stand up to her for the kids sake.
You don't mention how old the kids are - but unless they are infants, they are aware of the issues.

My parents had a highly dysfunctional relationship - and it definitely had an impact on us kids.

 

[Bimmerbill]

It sounds like he needs some therapy/counseling (solo). Please let him know that the abuse isn't just about him and his wife, it is affecting the kids. He should consider protecting the kids and taking action, as recommended by the police officer.

If things are not getting better he should consider why he wants to stay in the relationship and see if it is worth the damage to the kids.

If he is staying due to poor self image/worth, then therapy can help. IMO, he should focus on the kids. They don't need to see that kind of behavior. If he is staying married "for the kids" I think he should consider the things they are exposed to.

IMO, file for the PO and divorce. She is handing him the case and she is making all the classic mistakes you want to avoid in a divorce. Change bank account access, preserve what you can and prepare.

 

[dmdunca44]

I think Sarah may have hit the nail on the head. The issue of domestic violence always seems to be focused on the battered spouse as the wife. I am persnally aware of a case where the batterer was the wife (they are now divorced). He was so ashamed and embarrassed to be the victim that he stayed entirely too long in the marriage. And their children grew up in a home where this happened on a regular basis.

In addition to counselling, my friend did get some help from some online forums for batterd husbands. They helped him realize that he was not alone.

Other than offering a sanctuary and moral support, there is little that family/friends can do. It is very frustrating.

 

[Animorph]

Sounds like you have done what you can. A forum specific to domestic violence or battered husbands may have some more insights. I think it's the kids I'd worry about more than your friend. That may be a lever to use when talking to him.

 

[BigNick]

I would say that he is facing the stigma of being the battered husband, in a world that only imagines battered wives.

I was surprised to learn recently that studies suggest that women initiate domestic violence about as often as men. (See for example here [PDF].) You don't hear as much about battered husbands as battered wives for various reasons, the most politically correct (and probably the most numerically representative, to be fair) of which is that blows from women typically do less damage. The case described here would seem to be an exception from that point of view.

 

[MBAustin]

How sad, both for your friend and especially their children. A little Googling found these which might be helpful (he might benefit just by reading and realizing this is not as unusual as media would make you think):

Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women

Help for Battered Men

Stop Abuse For Everyone

Honestly, I was surprised at how little useful information came through on the Google search. It does seem to be very hard for men who are victims to get help even if they want it.

Hoping your friend will see the light sooner rather than later - or too late.

 

[Brat]

Your friend's behavior is the same as most abused wives (my sister was one of those). He needs to help himself and his children. Evidently there is a counselor involved, he really needs a lawyer too. Keep in mind that neither of these professionals will tell him what to do unless he is resolved to change his circumstances.

I would listen to him when he reaches out to you and if he asks you what to do I suggest you say, "It would be difficult but were I in your shoes I would...".

Perhaps remind him that if something unfortunate happens to him the children would be in the care of their mother.

 

[obgyn65]

This. I could not have worded it better. Now, brewer, it's up to your friend to make the right decision for himself.

At least he called the police and she was arrested for domestic violence. In most cases, photos will be taken of the victim if there are noticeable bruises, cuts, etc that will show up in a picture. Measurements of injuries will be noted as well.

 

[lhamo]

If he won't make a change for himself would he consider it for his kids? This site unfortunately discusses things mostly in terms of male-to-female domestic violence, but the statistics of how kids seem to be impacted might be compelling to him:

Ten Alarming Domestic Violence Statistics

This organization in Maine offers help for all domestic abuse victims, but makes a special point of providing support for men -- they have a support line:

Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women » About the Domestic Abuse Helpline

Kudos to you for trying to help. I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, but are either he or his wife Asian? There is a serious problem with domestic abuse here in China -- very much part of the local culture unfortunately. A very high percentage of kids are abused by their parents, and/or witness abuse between the parents, and it normalizes it for them to some extent. very difficult pattern to change. I know someone doing research and policy work related to this both in the US and China -- I can see if she can suggest resources or approaches that might help convince him to take it more seriously.

A very large proportion of homocides are connected to domestic abuse, and perhaps reminding him of that might also be appropriate.