Letter to America

[Guest]

Subject: A Letter to America

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'flavours' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.


2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "- ize".


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire, or NewYork-Shehar, as desis would call it.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.


6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.


continued........

 

[Guest]

continued....

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".


9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.


10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries (or even the even more silly ''Freedom Fries'') are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.


12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.


13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).


14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.


15. Please tell us who killed JFK.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

[dex]

Too much to read.
Can you sum this up in an IM (Instant Message) format?

 

[Guest]

Too much to read.
Can you sum this up in an IM (Instant Message) format?

No problem

u f****d up BIG so we r back. Sit dwn, shut up, b have + do as u r told - txs - The Brits.

 

[soupcxan]

Tell me, do they spell "troll" as "troull" across the pond? Y'all seem to have a habit of putting a "u" where it doesnt belong.

And please, as if the UK is in any position to tell us what to do...maybe if you had managed your colonies a little better, you could've had:

- the economic growth of the US
- the engineering/outsourcing skill of india
- the gold/diamonds of africa
- the clean streets and cheap prescription drugs of Canada
- the scenic beaches of the virgin islands

Instead, you got a crusty old queen, british "cooking," and the latest advances in dental hygiene...circa 1860. Spit spot, the bees knees, and slag off to the limey wanker who wrote the original post. Now excuse me while I return to polishing my gun rack...

 

[Elizabeth II]

And you can't spell ****ed without "U K"

 

[unclemick]

Having worked with Brit engineers ovr many years, I can tell you British humor is an acquired taste - along with beer - I used to trade home brew with a ex pat Brit.

When they waxed eloquent about us Colonials - heh,heh - The Beattles, The Rolling Stones are ok - and BTY - why are you working here.

 

[John Galt]

Having worked with a number of Brits myself, I can attest to Brit humor being "an acquired taste"
The same applies to the Brits themselves IMHO

JG

 

[dex]

Here is an Australian joke about the Brits.

How do you know a plane full of Brits just landed?
The engins are off, but the whinning continues.

 

[brewer12345]

Tell me, do they spell "troll" as "troull" across the pond? Y'all seem to have a habit of putting a "u" where it doesnt belong.

And please, as if the UK is in any position to tell us what to do...maybe if you had managed your colonies a little better, you could've had:

- the economic growth of the US
- the engineering/outsourcing skill of india
- the gold/diamonds of africa
- the clean streets and cheap prescription drugs of Canada
- the scenic beaches of the virgin islands

Instead, you got a crusty old queen, british "cooking," and the latest advances in dental hygiene...circa 1860. Spit spot, the bees knees, and slag off to the limey wanker who wrote the original post. Now excuse me while I return to polishing my gun rack...

Hey, how about the Canadians? They could have had French cuisine, American technology and British culture. Instead, they have French technology, American culture, and British "cuisine".

 

[Jane]

Hey, how about the Canadians?  They could have had French cuisine, American technology and British culture.  Instead, they have French technology, American culture, and British "cuisine".

We do not have american culture. There is a big difference between American and Canadian culture. But yes, we do have clean, safe streets and cheap drugs. Yes we have free flu shot for all Canadians every year. No, we never support Iraq war. I for one, have never believed that Iraq has WMD or gay marriage will corrode family values and as far as I can tell, Bush is (pardon me) an idiot. My #1 concern is not war in the name of peace, but Canadian deteriorating health care.

As far as cuisine, you can have any cuisine you want in Canada: lebanese, chinese, vietnamese, you name it and you can find it. Yes CanArm is Canadian technology! (if you don't know what Canadarm is, check your NASA website). I am not aware of any "French technology". The only French I am aware of is that it is our second language.

Jane

 

[Berkshire_Bull]

the rationale for the war on terror may be difficult for those not americans. your government may not be there 100% for us, but had the terrorists flew 2 767s into, and brought down Scotia Plaza and First Canadian Place in the center of Toronto, we'd certainly be 100% behind canada... its a difference in cultures i guess.

 

[nfs]

the rationale for the war on terror may be difficult for those not americans. your government may not be there 100% for us, but had the terrorists flew 2 767s into, and brought down Scotia Plaza and First Canadian Place in the center of Toronto, we'd certainly be 100% behind canada... its a difference in cultures i guess.

Ahem.

I guess you don't realize that, when terrorists flew planes into and brought down the WTC, we were behind you. Even though we have a tiny and underfunded military, we sent troops to Afghanistan. (It was a BFD up here when one of your yahoo Illinois National Guard weekend warriors bombed one of our platoons but I guess you missed it.) Until two weeks ago, the commanding general of the NATO forces in Afghanistan was a Canadian.

What we (80%+ of the population and the government) didn't agree with was kicking the crap out of the Iraqis, because they had nothing to do with 9-11. Every reason that you were fed to get you to nod your head politely while King George's armies overran a third world pisspot dictatorship - WMD, connections with terrorists, Saddam's a bad guy cuz he's torturing people in prisons - turns out to have been either complete hooey or just a tutorial for what's happening now under US occupation.

It's time for you to wake up. You've overrun a country with a two-bit army. Your government has waylaid 500+ people in a legal limbo, is now using what the Red Cross calls "tantamount to torture" to extract confessions, has someone nominated for Attorney General who is comfortable writing briefs about the quaintness of the Geneva Conventions and US anti-torture statutes and Nuremburg jurisprudence, runs Abu Ghraib, and levels entire cities at will.

For what? To make you safe?

It isn't working. Even the Pentagon thinks this is a class A cockup as far as long term strategic defense goes. Did you miss the Defense Science Board's report that was disclosed last week? Try this short precis from the WashPost if you can't be bothered to read the 100+ pages.

In some ways, the report -- titled "Strategic Communications" -- is dry, bureaucratic fodder. But deep inside, it goes to the heart of both the war on terrorism and the war in Iraq, and it raises many crucial issues that don't get probed deeply enough by news organizations, in my opinion.

The report comes at an interesting time. President Bush, on many occasions when speaking of Osama bin Laden, his al Qaeda network and the "nature of the terrorist enemy," has said: "They hate us. And they hate freedom. And they hate people who embrace freedom." Last week, in a television interview, Thomas Kean, co-chairman of the Sept. 11 commission, said, "We know there's another attack coming. You and I can't say if it's next week or six months from now, but it's coming." In recent weeks, there have been new statements from bin Laden (on Oct. 29) and his top deputy and strategist, Ayman Zawahiri (on Nov. 29). Zawahiri was quoted as saying: "You must choose between two methods in dealing with Muslims. Cooperate with them based on mutual respect and interests or deal with them as if they are spoils of war. This is your problem, and you must choose. And you should know that we are a nation of patience, and we will continue fighting you until the last hour."

Now comes the Pentagon's advisory board with a sharply critical report that says U.S. efforts to separate "the vast majority of non-violent Muslims from the radical-militant Islamist-Jihadists . . . have not only failed . . . they may also have achieved the opposite of what they intended."

Here are some of the key points:

- "American direct intervention in the Muslim World has paradoxically elevated the stature of and support for radical Islamists, while diminishing support for the U.S. to single-digits in some Arab societies."

- "Muslims do not 'hate our freedom,' but rather, they hate our policies. The overwhelming majority voice their objections to what they see as one-sided support in favor of Israel and against Palestinian rights, and the longstanding, even increasing support for what Muslims collectively see as tyrannies, most notably Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Pakistan, and the Gulf states."

- Since Sept. 11, 2001, "American actions and the flow of events have elevated the authority of the Jihadi insurgents and tended to ratify their legitimacy among Muslims. What was a marginal network," the report said, is now a community-wide "movement of fighting groups."

- "Muslims," the board says, "see Americans as strangely narcissistic -- namely, that the war is all about us . . . no more than an extension of American domestic politics and its great game." The critical problem for American public diplomacy, the section concludes, is "a fundamental problem of credibility. Simply, there is none -- the United States today is without a working channel of communication to the world of Muslims and of Islam."

 

[JWV]

the rationale for the war on terror may be difficult for those not americans. .

I think it's also difficult for approx 49% of Americans who believe there is no evidence that Iraq had anything to do with it (9/11). Would it be right that because we decided to liberate Iraq that Iraq then attacked Canada because we all look alike and speak the same language?(well, sorta) The leap of logic eludes me.

 

[John Galt]

I think going into Iraq MAY have been a big mistake,
but I see dopey nonsensical stuff pouring out of Washington daily. This was just on a much more massive scale and has cost a lot of lives. The money side doesn't worry me much as they would likely
waste it anyway, and (as with all wars) there is some
upside economic fallout for those who happen to be in
position to take advantage. Anyway, right or wrong,
the "consensus building/UN participation" argument for fighting terrorists/despots
(basically one of John Kerry's themes) never does much good IMHO. I like that we said "Damn the Torpedoes"
(or the French and Germans) once we decided to go in.
What happens next is an open question, but the handling was typical Bush. He may be wrong, but he is never in doubt. His Achilles' heel? Time will tell.

JG

 

[Hyperborea]

What happens next is an open question, but the handling was typical Bush.  He may be wrong, but he is never in doubt.

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
Bertrand Russell