"Moochers" or "Helping" a Friend?

[Calgary_Girl]

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much so I'd thought I'd use this as my ranting board!

I have an acquaintance who feels like she needs to save the world by allowing friends who are financially struggling live with her, her DH and their 3 children. I feel like her "friends" are taking advantage of her generosity. I feel like a scrooge but I don't think I'd be as generous as my acquaintance who is always complaining that her family lives check to check but yet she is financially supporting so-called moochers?

Case in point:

1. Acquaintance is an American citizen living in Canada (DH is Canadian). She is allowing an American friend (20 yrs old) with an 8 month old baby live with her family until she gets on her feet financially. I questioned her how the moocher is going to get back on her feet because she is not legally allowed to work in Canada (she lied at the border and told them she is only visiting for a month or two). I guess the answer is to get a job that pays cash only?

2. Moocher does not pay rent, doesn't contribute anything to the household in lieu of rent (i.e. cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc) to earn her keep. Said moocher is perfectly happy not looking for a job and just sponging off people.

3. Moocher expects acquaintance to buy diapers and formula for her 8 month old as well as feed her nicotine addiction since moocher has no money and no job.

4. Moocher's long term plan is to get pregnant by a nice Canadian boy so that she can remain in the country and the baby will be a Canadian citizen. . She was originally planning on staying 6 months to a year but the new plan is to get pregnant


My acquaintance is always complaining about how her family lives check to check but they have willingly taken in the moocher who has no plans to leave any time soon. This summer they will also be taking in two other children of another moocher that they know (but just for the summer). I can understand wanting to help a friend out but this goes beyond the call of duty in my opinion. Just curious as to how far others would go to help a "friend" out?

Thanks for letting me rant!

 

[Calico]

....Just curious as to how far others would go to help a "friend" out? Thanks for letting me rant!

Since you asked - the moocher chick wouldn't make it past my front stoop.

 

[Marita40]

I agree with calico. There's a huge difference between charity and compassion in a time of need and mooching. Sad to say some can't see the difference and just become enablers.

 

[MRG]

I agree with calico. There's a huge difference between charity and compassion in a time of need and mooching. Sad to say some can't see the difference and just become enablers.

Watched this unfold to a sweet co-worker. She helped raise her drug addict sister's kids. Then when they got pregnant at 17, suddenly she's got the next generation to support.

Of couse her nieces know every emotion to play upon. Who could say no to a 3 year old? She is an enabler, can't seem to figure out she's part of the problem.
MRG

 

[Amethyst]

As part of our experience renting a 3-level townhouse with a finished basement, we are all too familiar with the "I'm just helping my friends/relatives" excuse to set up a boarding house with only 2 people on the lease.

Some people have a strong need to feel like a compassionate "Lady Bountiful, " whom all the moochers adore and speak well of, since the landlord is getting stuck with all the extra wear and tear (not to mention liability).

Amethyst

 

[Sarah in SC]

I've let many friends stay with us over the years. Most have been good experiences, and I look back with some satisfaction that I was able to help them at a critical time in their lives. It might be the only "nurturing" outlet I really enjoy, not having chosen to have kids and all, but I figure we enjoy the company, it is a another couple of hands to pet the animals, and as long as they work within our home arrangements, no big deal.

One of the friends who lived with us on and off for a number of years passed away 6 years ago, and any time I think of him, I remember the good times we had when he stayed with us.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Calgary, why do you think it bothers you so much? If your friend is complaining about her guests, why not ask her what she plans to do about them?

 

[HFWR]

Calgary, why do you think it bothers you so much? If your friend is complaining about her guests, why not ask her what she plans to do about them?

Or be happy they're not YOUR guests...

 

[tmm99]

Your friend who wants to help people who are not willing to help themselves must be getting something out of all this - I don't mean monetarily, but something else. I don't know what it is though since I would never do what she is doing, but nonetheless it is feeding some kind of needs she has. At least that's what I think. If she is now realizing it was a bad idea, then, maybe she can put some kind of deadline. My ex did that for his younger brother - My ex put a deadline and his younger brother didn't meet the deadline, my ex paid his bro's bus ticket to his mama.

 

[haha]

To me, this clearly falls within the MYOB lines. The object of this discussion can't help helping others who ask for it; the OP seems to have trouble not verbally saving the former person from her (supposed) folly.

Ha

 

[travelover]

Your friend who wants to help people who are not willing to help themselves must be getting something out of all this - I don't mean monetarily, but something else. I don't know what it is though since I would never do what she is doing, but nonetheless it is feeding some kind of needs she has. ...........

Exactly. It takes both a parasite and a willing host for this to occur. Some people like to play host.

 

[Snidely Whiplash]

... live with her, her DH and their 3 children.....Moocher's long term plan is to get pregnant by a nice Canadian boy...

And if the moocher cant find a suitable candidate I hope for your friend's sake that her husband isn't the alternative. I can imagine my wife's reaction to the idea of an unrelated 20 year old female looking to get pregnant moving in with us, even if I am old and ugly.

I don't see what good could come of this, but as others have said, I don't really see how it's your problem, nor any reason why you should make it so.

 

[Arifriekinel]

I would have no problem doing it for a trial period to help them get off their feet, but I would have very set rules about what proven efforts they need to be making, and how they would contribute.

I grew up with my mom living paycheck to paycheck to support me and my brothers, and when my father's sister's children, who were the same age as us, needed somewhere to go, she took them in as well. She frequently went without to help and support us, and I respect her so much for that. My cousins went down bad paths for a bit, but now are doing very well. She is incredibly loving but has also kept us going on the right paths.

She knows when things can't be fixed, but she knows that she can't know that until she tries. Sometimes it just takes the right person. It's because of her I'll always give it a shot.

 

[W2R]

I would not say a word about it to your friend. Not one word! (love the chance to use that emoticon! thanks). Anyway, in my opinion it is her choice and she is free to make her own mistakes. By the way, if she asks you for money I would suggest a firm "no".

As for what I would do - - personally I would not put up with that sort of imposition. I would support a relative or my dear companion, but not just a casual friend/moocher like that.

 

[Walt34]

Like some others, I'd not shut the door to someone who needed temporary help but I'd also want to see a definite plan to extricate themselves and concrete efforts to put that plan into effect.

Decades ago we did have a relative who wanted to stay with us (one of my nieces) but she didn't have any definite plan, wasn't looking for a job, etc. I said "Not gonna happen!"

Agreed with W2R and others though, I wouldn't say a word about it. Not my problem.

 

[Meadbh]

Some people are just born do-gooders, and often they just don't see that they are being taken advantage of. You have said what you think, and your best move now is to just drop the issue. You have not said what the husband thinks, but it is his business to address this issue, unless he agrees with it.

Interesting to see the new Citizenship rules the Federal government brought out today. They are much stricter but do not address birth tourism. If the moocher does give birth in Canada the baby would automatically be a Canadian citizen and, once registered, would be entitled to health care. The mother would still have to argue her own case and could be deported if here illegally.

 

[Calgary_Girl]

Yes, I agree with everyone about not getting too involved. My acquaintance loves to tell me what the moocher has (or has not) done that day and I provide a sympathetic ear but that is all.

I would hope that if a relative or a very close friend was going through a difficult time, I would provide some support but I would draw the line somewhere once I saw that this person was not following through on their side of the bargain!

This is the second time that my acquaintance has gotten taken advantage of but I guess some people never learn. She is a "mother hen" type and believes that the good Karma from doing a good deed will come back to her someday but from what I see it is causing tension between her and her DH since he ready to ship the moocher back home.

Anyway, not my problem as others have said and I am very thankful that I don't have this type of drama to deal with in my personal life!

 

[Calgary_Girl]

Interesting to see the new Citizenship rules the Federal government brought out today. They are much stricter but do not address birth tourism. If the moocher does give birth in Canada the baby would automatically be a Canadian citizen and, once registered, would be entitled to health care. The mother would still have to argue her own case and could be deported if here illegally.

I heard about the new rules today as well. I find it very interesting how someone can just enter the country under the pretense that they are just visiting and then try to find employment where they are paid cash. I think the moocher feels that if she were to have a baby born in Canada that Immigration wouldn't be so cruel as to separate a mother from her child, hence if baby gets to stay so does she! Of course, no one has thought about what would happen if the moocher were to get sick or her 8 month old because they have no healthcare coverage.

Oh well, like my DH says, build a bridge and get over it. Not my problem

 

[Meadbh]

Of course, no one has thought about what would happen if the moocher were to get sick or her 8 month old because they have no healthcare coverage.

Actually, someone has. Alberta Health Services would send them a large bill at nonresident rates.

http://www.health.alberta.ca/AHCIP/temporary-residents.html

And I also found this page, suggesting that a baby born to a nonresident would NOT be eligible for Health services in Alberta.

http://www.health.alberta.ca/AHCIP/registration-requirements.html

I wonder how that jives with citizenship, which would be automatic (just ask Ted Cruz). In other provinces I have seen babies with this status who required complex medical care receive coverage from the Provincial government on humanitarian and citizenship grounds, following a special application with justification from healthcare professionals and social services.