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Old 02-17-2012, 01:18 PM   #41
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Knowing the well is dry may be enough to kick-start her into financial responsibility......
Or pretend to.....until next time.
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Old 02-17-2012, 03:16 PM   #42
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How old is your mom? What's her work history? Is she working now?

This is particularly tough because you are the only child. While you may feel like you want to help, if she doesn't change her ways it's like throwing money down a deep hole. You will feel burned and she will continue to feel entitled to your assistance.

Is she using your contributions to keep the heat and lights on or is it to pay for a car lease and HBO?

If it was me I couldn't contribute to someone who doesn't care to help themselves, either by learning to budget and live frugally or by getting better employment.
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Old 02-18-2012, 11:19 AM   #43
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Beware of paying for any utilities on a regular basis because all your mother will do in future months is spend the money she might have previously diverted into that category.

I think at this stage the best thing you can do is give her nothing and others have mentioned sit down with her and help her look for programs she apply for assistance from.

Once you start feeding her it will never stop. There will come a stage in her life where you will have to step in, so best save your resources for that time. I'm talking when she is 70+.

We had a similar issue with my ILs, they figured that the role of their son was to support them in the financial manner in which they desired. In the meantime MIL was shopping at high end stores, regularly dining out and making numerous casino trips. We were expected to subsidise their lifestyle even whilst we carefully watched where every penny we made went.
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Old 02-18-2012, 12:24 PM   #44
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Not that a mooching Mom is OK, but my Mom died when I was a teenager. I wish she was around to mooch off me and to see her grand kids.
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Old 02-18-2012, 07:53 PM   #45
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Well a lot of tough love offered here. I am very well familiar with the problem and have been the daughter who supported her mother for many years (including now) Looking back now, I can say I should have put more limits on her and not allowed her her extravagances at my expense.

However, I do not regret helping her, as she was left with 4 young children (one being handicapped) and only lower paying jobs. It was difficult for her. I was glad to be able to help her. But she was terrible with money and abused my generosity, and the fact that I didn't put my foot down sooner, I regret. I should have put a limit on it way sooner, and only provided what was necessary, and I didn't, so that was my own fault.

I guess I disagree with most on this board on this subject to a certain extent. I do feel that if we are capable of financially helping our parents if they are in need, we should help. But not support irresponsible spending once you become the funder.

There are people who just have no financial sense. I am not talking about people who can't hold a job or do drugs. I'm talking about people who work 40 hours a week, but just can't seem to make ends meet and make the worst financial decisions with what money they have to boot. Or elderly single parents who have nothing to live on but social security. As, I said. I did not follow my own advise, and I see the error of my own ways now.

It is a difficult problem, and I can certainly relate to everything you say. With my mother, the more I gave her, the more she spent, and I think that is indicative of this type of person. So help her devise a budget and contribute what you can, but if she blows it at the mall instead of buying groceries. Don't give in.
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Old 02-18-2012, 09:51 PM   #46
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I had a brother like that. Once he hit me up for money saying the sheriff was going to throw him in jail if he didn't get it. Thanks to a look that would kill from DW, I declined.

Funny how he and his wife had a new bedroom set from Ethan Allen a month later, and a new car. Don't know where they got the money, but that was then end of mooching off of me!
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Old 02-18-2012, 11:47 PM   #47
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Not that a mooching Mom is OK, but my Mom died when I was a teenager. I wish she was around to mooch off me and to see her grand kids.

Sorry about your loss at a young age.... but you are remembering the good.... and if so your Mom might not be the moocher...

Actually having someone try and do it makes a lot of difference... I have a nephew who I just do not care to deal with... heck, I will not even talk to him anymore... the last two times he said 'you must have a lot of money now, can you send me some?'... Well, no... end of conversation...


I think the difference is HOW it comes about for the person that needs the money.... if they had a hard life, etc. etc., then you do not feel as bad... if they just spent all their SS or whatever money at the local gambling establishment and THEN wanted you to pay because they did not have anything... that is something else....

Also, if they do not try and change after everything has hit the fan.... that says a lot to me...
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Old 02-19-2012, 04:40 AM   #48
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There is a huge difference between helping someone who is in financial trouble but generally responsible and willing to adapt his spending to his income and someone who is in trouble but irresponsible and feels entitled to receive support by kids, parents or other third parties.
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Old 02-19-2012, 09:52 AM   #49
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Like I said earlier, financial irresponsibility is just another manifestation of mental illness. Accept that and it puts it all in a different light.
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Old 02-19-2012, 11:36 AM   #50
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Like I said earlier, financial irresponsibility is just another manifestation of mental illness. Accept that and it puts it all in a different light.
+1
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Old 02-19-2012, 12:43 PM   #51
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Sorry, it is all invested.

Mooching is a sickness and unfortunately, you have become an enabler.
Now where did I hear that expression before?

This is a tough one.

A similar real life example for your consideration...I used to send my Mom checks so she could buy herself new eyeglasses and nice things. My Mom's only income was SS and some CD interest. When I found out 2 siblings of mine were mooching off my Mom, I made the checks smaller. And yes, I told my Mom why the checks were smaller.

A gentle "No" is in order IMHO.
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