FinanceDude
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Aug 3, 2006
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In many ways your step-brother is a victim as much as you and your sister. His parents walled him off from you and your sister and they are the only family he knows. Once your father passes away his mother will focus on him. Suppose he marries, can you imagine what life will be like for his wife and children? As sad as your story is his may be as bad, or worse.
OP, do you have issues with your step mom? That might be the reason your father isn't in your life any more. I think this all goes back to the nature of the relationships in your family before your mom died and how you and your father reacted to that. It seems very strange that your father and step mom don't want to acknowledge the previous existence of your biological mom. Why is that?
FD.....
I am curious.... what would you do if you heard your father was dying and wanted to see you Or, if you learned he was dying and did not hear anything else, would you reach out
Not an enviable family situation to have. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your own family. The family you grew up with doesn't want to be part of your family, and that's their choice. As a result, what they think of you shouldn't matter to you (though it apparently does for some reason). Not to psychoanalyze, but it would appear that you want a relationship with your dad again, but your stepmother has gotten in the way (and probably caused the rift). Until your dad can break her spell over him, you won't have one. As someone else posted, a relationship is a two way street. You can keep reaching out, but until your dad also reaches out, you're grabbing nothing but air.
Finance Dude, your story is heartbreaking and I am sorry for the pain your parents/half brother have caused you. From personal experience I learned that the longer you hold on to the resentment, the more power you give to the pain. It's like holding on to acid that eats away at you. Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you can forgive them...honest to goodness from the very essence of your being forgiveness...the resentment and pain will be gone. Not suggesting that you try to rekindle what looks to be a toxic relationship, but a letter to your dad appologizing for being a difficult child (why bother explaining anything...he wouldn't understand) and asking his forgiveness might close the "could I have done anything else" question after your dad passes. Just saying...
Of course I would talk to him. I found out he said something curious awhile back. My step-grandmother asked him why I and my family was not invited to visit for the holidays, and he told her: "I don't know WHY he doesn't feel welcome"......... However, you tell me. My grandmother died (my stepmom's mom), my brother called to tell me that. She was my only real connection to my family, she met the kids and DW several times, and my sister and I both kept in touch with her. However, he asked me NOT to attend her funeral, as he thought it would be look awkward and stressful on my parents. I protested vehemently, but he asked me 'as a favor" to him..... Half of me wanted to come anyway, but I decided not to. I regret that at times.........
I sent my parents a handwritten 6 page later 13 years ago, telling them my true feelings. I am sure a lot of it was emotional and hurtful, but I wanted them to know how I felt. I heard some feedback from my step grandmother about it, she said they told her I was angry and needed therapy, that they provided a stable and loving childhood and I ended up being rebellious and the "black sheep" of the family, etc........
I sent my parents a handwritten 6 page later 13 years ago, telling them my true feelings. I am sure a lot of it was emotional and hurtful, but I wanted them to know how I felt. I heard some feedback from my step grandmother about it, she said they told her I was angry and needed therapy, that they provided a stable and loving childhood and I ended up being rebellious and the "black sheep" of the family, etc........