No funeral or memorial service

[pb4uski]

Over the last year or so, we have had several friends or acquaintances die that had no calling hours or funeral or memorial service or celebration of life (which I collectively refer to as funerals for convenience sake). In fact, one friend they never even had an obituary or announcement of her death even though we had heard of it by word of mouth.

Have any of you noticed this trend? While I'm not keen to go to funerals, they do provide some closure to a friend's passing IMO.

In all these cases the decedents and families could well afford some sort of commemoration of the decedents' passing so while money may be a factor it probably isn't an overriding factor.

 

[REWahoo]

Thankfully this isn't a trend in my part of the world. Friends and family need closure, even if it is only an evening to get together and reminisce.

 

[48Fire]

My uncle showed up at my mom's house, cremated in an urn. He stayed in the garage for a while.

 

[Jack_Pine]

Could care less. Brother died and informed us in advance that they had a deal with some outfit, can't remember the name. They came to house, retrieved body and that was it. No service, no nothing. Kind of like it.

 

[REWahoo]

My uncle showed up at my mom's house, cremated in an urn. He stayed in the garage for a while.

Bet she was surprised to see him!

 

[6miths]

My mother says that this is the way she wants to go. She and my dad had prepaid for various things with a local funeral home and when my dad passed we had a reception and service. Mom now says that she doesn't want anything except maybe very immediate family to get together at our home. She says that she has come to this decision because lately when she has gone to the funerals of friends that there seems to be random people there who didn't know the deceased... as in 'Wedding Crashers'. I don't know if this is true but it is the rationale she shared. The father of long time friends recently passed away and the family chose to have no memorial or funeral of any kind. They did put an obituary in the local paper.

 

[Gumby]

I'm just hoping to slip out the side door before anyone notices I'm gone.

 

[MRG]

My MIL/FIL did that. There was no family other than DW and BIL. He wasn't particularly religious and she did as he said.

 

[Moemg]

My Mother died recently and her service was the opposite of this . My Sister is a Nun so we had over 200 Nuns at the viewing & funeral . The funeral was a mass with lots of singing including a hymn in Latin . The only sad thing was there were very few of her friends since she was 99 but lots of family . I want a small service maybe an Irish wake .

 

[rodi]

Thankfully this isn't a trend in my part of the world. Friends and family need closure, even if it is only an evening to get together and reminisce.

I agree with this. Some kind of remembrance. Even if it's informal. A former friend/coworker who was estranged from her family was struck by a car. We were all stunned. We had an unofficial memorial for her at the beach at sunset... She was a triathlete/iron man competitor (was hit by a car while running after work) and the beach was where she did her ocean swims.

Could care less. Brother died and informed us in advance that they had a deal with some outfit, can't remember the name. They came to house, retrieved body and that was it. No service, no nothing. Kind of like it.

Where the body goes isn't the point. Both my parents and my grandmother gave their bodies to the medical school. So no funeral home, crematorium, etc... But we still had Memorials/Celebration of Life services... In fact I hadn't been to funerals (with caskets) till my grandfather and my brother passed away... Just memorial services with no body to be seen.

 

[RobbieB]

I helped Pops when Ma died. She was sick a long time and I knew what was coming so we prearranged her funeral so it was easier for Pops when she passed. Ma was a social gadfly (town house, bridge club and masters bridge) but Pops just had his Co retirees monthly lunches.

When she died the visitation was packed, we were talking with people the whole time. Nobody showed for the funeral the next day because the bridge game was then and it was also January in Michigan.

After Ma died Pops lived alone for 2 years and got sick each winter. Then I moved him out here to live with us which he did for the next 5 years. When he died I shipped him back home to be buried next to Ma. Used the same home with the same plan, obit in the same papers. Nobody came. I sat there for 3 hours and read a novel and one of the guys came in and said "if you like we'll just take him to the graveyard and you can go home. Which I did.

Ma was social, Pops not so much. And then there was the 7 years. A lot of those folks probably died by then. Pops was 92. That's life!

I'm just gonna be burned up when my time comes, why bother?

And it's way cheaper too. You can get "toasted" for 2 grand or "earthed" for 10.


Posted while posting. Med school eh? Great idea, no cost at all. Scalpel practice it is!

 

[misanman]

Cremation might be the last chance to have a smoking hot body!

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[RobbieB]

Yeah Baby! Getting popular too.

The home where my wife and her mother were cremated is right along the trail where I walk the dog everyday. I hear the furnace going most of the time.

 

[Dreamer]

My MIL wanted and had a direct cremation. My DH wants the same thing and then to be placed in the Columbarium at our church. I am thinking about donating my body to our medical school, if there are not any organs that I can donate. If I remember correctly, the medical school will not accept the body if any organs, except the corneals, have been donated. If any organs can be donated, then cremation for me afterward and into the Columbarium at the church for me too. The university has 1 memorial service for everyone that donates the body that year. If my family wants to remember me, I have told them to either take a trip together or to have a party and to not waste the money on a funeral.

 

[Act2]

I've noticed a lot more variety than in the past. Some die with no service or anything. Also had one memorial party a couple years back with pizza, beer, and a band (at a tavern). And one coming up should be interesting - a memorial campout. On the other hand, some now stream the funeral or wake service online. So it's whatever makes sense to the person or their survivors.


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[harley]

When my Mom's husband died, she had him cremated and that was that. No service, no ceremony, no obituary, nothing. I thought that was pretty strange, but they were both highly paranoid. Her reasoning was that if there was a service and an obit, people would know about it and would come rob the house while she was out. And they would know she was alone out in the boonies and the hordes of rapists that target 70+ y.o. women would descend on her.

When she died she specified the same, no service, no announcement. I did that, and I must say it was quite a relief to not have to deal with all that brouhaha like we did when my brother died a number of years before. It was nice seeing all his friends turn out, but I didn't get any sense of closure, and it was expensive as hell.

I'm not sure what I'll want in my own case. Mostly whatever is easiest for my loved ones. After so long thinking Mom and husband were nuts, I'm not sure they didn't have the right idea, at least on this topic. Everyone who matters knew they were gone, and when the rest of the family gets together we reminisce and toast their memories. That's fine for me. No need to enrich the funeral business. Just remember me fondly (I hope), and see you on the other side.

 

[old woman]

I wouldn't mind this for me. Mom died and my brother thought we should have a religious service even if nobody is religious so we had maybe 20-30 people at a church down the street then food at his house. I was given the ashes but didn't want them so gave them to my niece.
My boyfriend's aunt lost her husband one year before Christmas and said she would have a service after Christmas then called and said her breast cancer had gone into her hip and she was in the hospital so was putting it off. She never did have a service for him and we weren't invited if she had one when she went. She wanted her son to spread her ashes and her husbands over England but then said it was too much trouble he didn't have to. She met her husband in England in WWII when she had three kids already so had been in America since WWII but still wanted to go home.
I don't have children, grandchildren, parents so it would only be a few nieces and nephews so just cremate and give ashes to the niece who keeps ashes of my mom and some cats on her mantle or sprinkle them someplace nice.

 

[bbbamI]

<snip>
Just remember me fondly (I hope), and see you on the other side.

Shoot..I'll give you one better than that. Since you're still above ground, I'll tell you you've made me chuckle a time or two and on occasion a belly laugh. I'll even give you flowers to enjoy now.

 

[Katsmeow]

I wonder whether some of this is due to waning religious influence among some. Another factor, in some cases, may be the person outliving the people who knew them. I have pondered this issue mostly because my mom is now in her 90's. I have gone to the funerals of a number of her siblings and their spouses, but now she is almost the only one left (she still has one sibling in long term care who wouldn't be able to come to a funeral).

Most of her family was religious and had traditional services with the minister giving the eulogy. Only the most recent one (her sibling) had someone briefly speak other than the minister.

The thing is that my mom is not religious at all. Theoretically I could have the minister on call for the funeral home do it. Since my entire experience has been with religious funerals I am sort of at a loss of what to do. The other thing is that most people who know my mom would be surprised to find out she isn't religious. She knows most people are so doesn't say much about her views.

So, when the time comes, not sure what we will do.

 

[bmcgonig]

My mom is 98 and that's exactly what she wants. Some of the extended family don't like the idea but I'm fine with it. I never liked funerals or wakes, even the Irish ones.


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[Amethyst]

Wouldn't it be nicer if people spent the money and gave the attention while the person was still alive to enjoy it? I note the trend toward referring to funerals as "celebrations of life"; in my view, people should put their money where their mouth is, and celebrate the person's actual life with the person actually there.

Then again, I am not big on the concept of "closure."

 

[frayne]

I've always though the Christian idea of funeral send offs was kind of macabre. Viewing a corpse isn't my idea of closure as I would much rather remember the departed as they were full of life and living. My parents always told me the funerals were as much for the living as for the dead. Guess when it is my time for the dirt nap, a small graveside service with immediate family will suffice. Hopefully followed by some food, drink and laughter of some of the stupid **** I have done in my life.

 

[Jack_Pine]

This was the service my brother and wife pre-bought. Scattering Ashes and Burial at Sea by Sea Services™

I agree with remembering all they did when alive. I hear that some people want closure but (for me) I ma not sure that that accomplishes...............

 

[nash031]

My dad announced to my mom that he wanted to be cremated about a week before he died. Surprise! Mom couldn't do it (devout Catholic and set in that old custom), and they discussed it while he was in hospice care. Dad was set against an open casket, all the makeup, etc., so we didn't do that. And we buried him in his comfy clothes and favorite shoes, etc.

But we definitely had a calling and funeral mass for him. I think Dad would've been happy without any of it, but it really wasn't for him. It was for the rest of us and his friends.

 

[pb4uski]

Some very interesting posts. I definitely agree that funerals are more for the living than the dead. To me, it is an important part of the grieving process, particularly for family.

While I was raised Roman Catholic, we are not particularly religious and do not attend church regularly. I actually like the trend to celebrations of life rather than the pomp and circumstance of a formal wake, funeral mass, burial ceremony and fellowship which was common around here.

Our family is all over the place. For my Dad, who was very religious and attended church almost every day, we had a small service at the funeral home and fellowship at the house in Florida and months later a funeral mass, fellowship and spreading of the ashes at home. For my Gram we had a small service at the funeral home and fellowship at a local restaurant. For my great aunt, there were only about a dozen or so of us so we met at the cemetery where she had previously been buried, people told some stories and remembrances about her and we then went to lunch at a local restaurant.

Any of those is fine with me but to just do absolutely nothing.... and in that one case not even have an obituary... just seems inappropriate. It was interesting that for the person that did not have an obituary... she was well known and liked within the community and very social... and her daughter was similar. The decedent and her husband (who died prior to her) we both well known and had operated a notable local business. The local newspaper found out about her death and that there would be no obituary and published a short article that she had died so people would know.