No funeral or memorial service

harley said:
Million, billion, trillion, gazillion...it's all the same.
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To paraphrase a quote, apparently misattributed to Everett Dirksen, "Pretty soon you're talking real bodies".
 
My experiences dealing with family members that passed away where I have been the person responsible for making most of the decisions (I said most) on handling the planning and details are as follows:

1. Dad - Mom was in a nursing home recovering from a stroke when Dad passed from heart failure. He wanted to be buried in a family plot in Pittston, PA where his parents (whom I never met - died before I was born) were buried. Somehow, I found the plots and had his body flown there from CT and my two sisters and I were part of a graveside burial. Couldn't find any living relatives in Pa at the time to attend the service.

2. Mom - She was in California living with youngest sister in a rental house of mine. She had kidney failure and died in the hospital at 86. We had her cremated and shipped the ashes (and my sister) to PA where she had the Mom's urn buried next to Dad. I didn't go. A memorial service was done in Ca when my sister got back. I was there for that.

3. Oldest daughter - Passed unexpectedly in Texas at age 22. Devastating. I had a full funeral and burial service for her. I was divorced at the time and was raising both daughters on my own. Probably the hardest thing I ever did on my existence on this earth was go through that funeral.

4. Ex wife - she passed a few years ago from illnesses related to years of substance abuse. Her only two brothers, living in other states, did not want to participate in any service or cost event (great guys, huh?). Ex's parents had passed years earlier. Youngest daughter and I had her cremated. The ashes were given to our only surviving daughter. There was no memorial service or obituary.

When my time is up, I want to be cremated and whoever ends up with the ashes can do whatever they feel is the best way to dispose of them. I don't wish for a memorial service to be held and an obituary is optional, but it better be short if paying for a spot in the newspaper.
 
I want to be cremated and put in a veteran's cemetery with a military ceremony. I want my son to remember me as someone who served his country. Whether or not there is a church service, God knows my faith.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum
 
aja8888 said:
When my time is up, I want to be cremated and whoever ends up with the ashes can do whatever they feel is the best way to dispose of them. I don't wish for a memorial service to be held and an obituary is optional, but it better be short if paying for a spot in the newspaper.
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Depending on who is left to "end up with the ashes" it can be an unpleasant imposition on them when suddenly there you are. Unless you either want to:

1. Punish someone you disliked by dumping the chore on them, or

2. Have a loved one who, at least initially, really wants to have the ashes.

You should just leave instructions for the crematory to dispose of your ashes. It's easy to make the situation sound cavalier by saying "do whatever they feel is the best way to dispose of them," but it likely won't be cavalier. Unless you know otherwise, it will likely be a pita for them.
 
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poorcarver said:
That said, in my circle, there is a Masonic memorial service, drinks, dinner and cigars a few months after the actual croaking. I find these comforting.
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You won't find the memorial service, drinks, dinner and cigars ceremony held for you comforting at all. You'll be dead.
 
When my grandmother (although raised me, so she was Mom to me) died, she had direct cremation. No funeral, no service, just a small gathering at the house with some friends and family. She died at home (pallative care), so the people that were important to her were there when she passed and were able to say their goodbyes. She currently still 'resides' in a cardboard box sitting on the bar...yes, she was the original minimalist!

When Dad dies, he will also get the 'same treatment' (direct cremation). We will have a form of Irish Wake. Seeing how he has a happy hour at his home every Sunday when friends and family come and visit and drink, we figured it will be fitting to do the same when he passes. Of course, he will be in the card board box sitting in a position of honor. Then, their cremains will be combined and during our travels, they will be spread to the 'four corners of the world'.

My Mom and (in the future, Dad) had/will have Obits. One of the first thing Dad does when he gets up in the AM is check his hometown paper to see if "he's still alive." I can't deny him that last pleasure... ;)

As for me and my DW...we think that the funeral industry is one of the biggest rip offs out there. So, we have opted for green funerals. Basically, our remains (after organ donation) will go off to a natural cemetery and we will either be planted in a burlap sack or perhaps in one of the new 'pods' that are gaining popularity. Embalming? No way, no how. I think if people knew how invasive that procedure REALLY is, they would think twice about it all...but that's just me.

Oh yes...here is a link for the burial pods...

Bye-Bye Coffins, These Organic Burial Pods Turn Your Loved Ones Into Trees
 
MRG said:
We managed to take their remains back to where they honeymooned at 75 years prior. Watching the ashes sink into the deep waters was an amazing experience, I got more closure from that than the church service.
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Wow. My parents honeymooned in Cook Forest State Park, PA, where my mother's family had gone since she was a child, and the extended family went for many years. I could see saving some of their ashes to scatter there even though we're all out of the area.

One more story: Dad was a metallurgical engineer and a fellow coworker became a close personal friend. When the coworker died, someone took some of the ashes from NC, where the funeral was held, back to Ohio and threw them into a heat of steel (their word for a batch created in a very hot furnace), in accordance with the friend's wishes.
 
Well, there's what I want, and there's what is likely to happen. I'd like a nice get-together with some good things to eat and drink and some quality Santana in the background. Just close family and a couple of good friends. No dead bodies on display, a quick cremation, get rid of the ashes. Then back home for more eating, drinking and reminiscing. It's paid for in my will. :)

If a larger, extended family group is involved that probably won't happen, most of the people attending will be there because they feel obligated and will say things about me that they would never say to me, and someone may even want a dead body as proof. If that's the case, stale cookies and cold coffee. Get it over as quickly as possible.

I'd like some Hendrix but I know it'll never happen. :)
 
The organic burial pods are interesting, a cemetery full of trees, but what happens if Momma's tree dies....Momma died twice. I know a horticulturist that got upset that a shrub was named after her. She said she didn't want to hear that the Pieris japonica 'Mary Doe" died.
Military funeral bother me, the last one I attended, the jets flying over in the missing man formation and taps seem to upset more people.
My husband and I aren't that old and the few friends that have died were not in the greatest shape due to illness or accidents. So they were cremated and a memorial service held. We both want to be cremated and have the crematory dispose of the ashes. We don't want any newspaper announcement.
 
MichaelB said:
Well, there's what I want, and there's what is likely to happen. I'd like a nice get-together with some good things to eat and drink and some quality Santana in the background. Just close family and a couple of good friends. No dead bodies on display, a quick cremation, get rid of the ashes. Then back home for more eating, drinking and reminiscing. It's paid for in my will. :)
....

I'd like some Hendrix but I know it'll never happen. :)
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Sounds good to me. As far as some Hendrix, I've always thought this would be a great tune to have played as they lower the urn/casket in to the ground, and/or as people leave the memorial.

It just has that funeral dirge sound, and a certain finality (audio quality is not that good on this posting, but it's all I could find of the Woodstock version - I assume they are chasing them down as copyright violations?):


-ERD50
 
Note that there is one other place where you can often find out about a death the legal notices. If there is any kind of estate a notice is supposed to be placed in a newspaper telling any folks that think they are owed money from the estate that they have until some date to file their claim with someone.
 
For those people interested in genealogy, one of the major tools are often reading obituaries. Oftentimes, there is information in obituaries that is not available in any other way. So, I would always do an obit if you only to make it easier for future descendants who might want to build a family tree.
 
Amethyst said:
Wouldn't it be nicer if people spent the money and gave the attention while the person was still alive to enjoy it? I note the trend toward referring to funerals as "celebrations of life"; in my view, people should put their money where their mouth is, and celebrate the person's actual life with the person actually there.

Then again, I am not big on the concept of "closure."
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I agree entirely. I have been to an elaborate funeral and celebration for someone who really could have used more helping hands while alive.
 
And, for the droll side of things:

Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
 
How nice to see so many folks who want to share their experiences on a difficult subject.

Our four sons have been incredibly close throughout their lives. When Chris passed away suddenly in 1995 at age 36 it created a hole in all of our lives. As a family we sat down together to decide how to handle this loss.

It didn't take long to make the decision. First, donation of organs which was simpler that that time. Then, to invite Chis's friends to a small hall... for what might be called a remembrance service, but with no formality. There were about 35 people there... Fewer from our extended family as we were 1500 miles away, but all of the very closest neighbors and pals.

We expected a half hour of sharing the sadness, and some memories, but the get together evolved into a two and a half hour celebration of his life, with every person in the room sharing a remembered personal recollection, with a vignette of some event or special moment that was imprinted as a private story that most people didn't know about.

Stories that were wild (Chris was a free spirit)... Stories that made our eyes roll, funny stories (which made up most of the two hours), and private tales where lives crossed. Two hours of a real life obituary that covered the good, the bad, and some of the ugly, but a fullness of recollection, that provided closure, not only to DW and me, but, as we learned, to everyone who knew him. No meal, no drinks, no formality... just a part of life... shared by those who knew him. Now 21 years later, we still remember those special moments that help us past the sadness.

His ashes lie in the lake, in front of our campground home, where he had spent so many happy hours quietly fishing. Shortly after, we received a letter from the organ donation group... that told of two individuals who had benefited from receiving life changing organs. No names of course, but specifics, that touched our hearts. I don''t guess that this is done today, but it meant a lot to us.

Even today, we sometimes hear from those who were there... that this was a special moment in their lives.
 
I'm off to a Catholic funeral Mass today. For some reason this spring has been a bad run--two co-workers dying far too young (one cancer, one alcoholism) and now the sudden death of a co-worker's wife. In my tradition, the funeral Mass is important and I will certainly request one for myself. I like the fact that eulogies are not allowed at Catholic funeral Masses--the purpose is to pray for the dead and commend them to God (not "celebrate" them), and to show support for the family. On the other hand I've also never liked viewings ("visitations" as they are called here). My understanding is that these evolved when it was important to make sure the dead person was really dead--long before ekgs etc. There was a huge scare in the 19th century in particular about being buried alive, which must have happened in reality at times! Hence the bells and pull chains at some graves. The body was laid out in the parlor and visitors came and went, just like what happens today in funeral homes. All houses had to have a coffin-sized door. One of the best, funniest scenes in Huckleberry Finn takes place at a parlor service with the minister droning on and a dog howling in the basement. Classic Mark Twain.
 
All of our recent departeds have been in Urns with Celebrations of Life. Always have some pictures of the happy times as well. (Except Dad (2000) who had purchased a plot next to Mom (1970) but we buried my brother's Urn in the same plot (2009).)
 
imoldernu said:
His ashes lie in the lake, in front of our campground home, where he had spent so many happy hours quietly fishing. Shortly after, we received a letter from the organ donation group... that told of two individuals who had benefited from receiving life changing organs. No names of course, but specifics, that touched our hearts. I don''t guess that this is done today, but it meant a lot to us.
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First, I am so sorry for your loss, even after so many years have passed. I did want to tell you that the letters are still done. My mother received a donated kidney from a deceased donor, and part of the recovery process is to write a letter to the donor family, telling them about themselves and what the donation meant to them.
 
imoldernu said:
How nice to see so many folks who want to share their experiences on a difficult subject.

Our four sons have been incredibly close throughout their lives. When Chris passed away suddenly in 1995 at age 36 it created a hole in all of our lives. As a family we sat down together to decide how to handle this loss.

It didn't take long to make the decision. First, donation of organs which was simpler that that time. Then, to invite Chis's friends to a small hall... for what might be called a remembrance service, but with no formality. There were about 35 people there... Fewer from our extended family as we were 1500 miles away, but all of the very closest neighbors and pals.

We expected a half hour of sharing the sadness, and some memories, but the get together evolved into a two and a half hour celebration of his life, with every person in the room sharing a remembered personal recollection, with a vignette of some event or special moment that was imprinted as a private story that most people didn't know about.

Stories that were wild (Chris was a free spirit)... Stories that made our eyes roll, funny stories (which made up most of the two hours), and private tales where lives crossed. Two hours of a real life obituary that covered the good, the bad, and some of the ugly, but a fullness of recollection, that provided closure, not only to DW and me, but, as we learned, to everyone who knew him. No meal, no drinks, no formality... just a part of life... shared by those who knew him. Now 21 years later, we still remember those special moments that help us past the sadness.

His ashes lie in the lake, in front of our campground home, where he had spent so many happy hours quietly fishing. Shortly after, we received a letter from the organ donation group... that told of two individuals who had benefited from receiving life changing organs. No names of course, but specifics, that touched our hearts. I don''t guess that this is done today, but it meant a lot to us.

Even today, we sometimes hear from those who were there... that this was a special moment in their lives.
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Thank you for sharing that story. I am happy (can't think of a more fitting word, I am sorry!) that out of a terrible tragedy, you were able to have such a great celebration of his life. I have to imagine that even all these years later, you remember it like it was yesterday and were happy to have heard stories you may have never come to know.

One of the 'remembrance' things we have done for my Dad is audio recordings of some of the Sunday Happy Hours. We (family and his social buddies) figure that once he's gone, it will be nice to sit down on occasion and listen to his jokes and stories we have heard so many times before. We harass him incessantly about retelling his stories, but we all know that when he's gone, we will miss them. Even if we have heard them a thousand times over.
 
imoldernu said:
Shortly after, we received a letter from the organ donation group... that told of two individuals who had benefited from receiving life changing organs. No names of course, but specifics, that touched our hearts. I don''t guess that this is done today, but it meant a lot to us.
Click to expand...

A friend who married quite late (in his 50s) lost his wife to cancer only 8 years later, and only a couple of months after diagnosis. She'd already consented to have her organs donated and he just reported that he'd been to a gathering of the families of organ donors, with a slideshow of their beloved deceased family members and whatever details the family wanted to share about them. He seemed to find it comforting. I think they do whatever they can to show the donor families how much they're appreciated.
 
Though I have contemplated my demise, I have yet to make plans. It's on my "list", but since my recent FIRE, I've balked at schedules and lists...

My parents retired to Florida, but moved to Texas a few months before my mom passed from cancer. They had prearranged with a funeral "home" to have mom's remains flown to Indiana, a service held, and then burial in a cemetery outside of town, where a number of other family members were happily decomposing. A comedy of errors then ensued. The funeral home was notified, who then called an affiliate in Dallas County, and they came to get mom, prepare her for the flight home, and take her remains to the airport. Problem was, she had actually passed just over the county line in Denton County, thus getting the proper paperwork required for things to proceed was delayed. By then we had all flown north, so all of the wrangling required took place via long distance phone calls. She arrived at the designated place the morning of her funeral, having missed the viewing the day prior...

Not a pleasant experience, and anyone who knew my mom would know that, if there's an afterlife, she was probably madder than hell. She was always the planner, and would never be late...

The viewing, sans Mom, wasn't totally unpleasant, as I got to visit with a lot of folks from the old hometown. But the funeral was miserable, and I'd have had just as much closure skipping the whole ordeal.

My dad has decided to donate himself to medical science, then be cremated, and the ashes buried next to Mom. He also bought enough plots for the rest of us, though no one has claimed them. I've considered having a small marker made, so there would be some evidence that HFWR actually existed, since there's a good chance I'll croak without dear grandchildren.

I would like to have a plan in place, to spare DS from having to deal with it. In the case of my dad, there is only a handful of his peers still kicking, though there are some the next generation down that knew him or would still remember him. If I luck out and live to a ripe old age, there would likely not be many who would attend a funeral in Indiana, and I have a relatively small circle of friends in Texas, so not much need for a service here. Best to get drunk and tell bad jokes in remembrance.

I'm thinking organ donation and medical experiments, then dump me out in the woods somewhere.

I would like an obit in the local rag back home, but an obit in the Dallas paper would likely only result in "Who?" Assuming I get advanced warning, might even write my own. One more chance to be a wiseass!

In the meantime, I'm in total denial, living by the creed "It's better to be seen than viewed...".
 
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Just some various musings:


I wonder why some choose to still have an evening wake separate from the funeral rather than a visitation before the service. My parents used to say they were for the people who had to work and couldn't attend a daytime funeral. Wakes to me tend to become a social get together to catch up with people you haven't seen in a while. The last one I was at the funeral director came over the loud speaker asking people to quiet down as they were disrupting a visitation in an adjoining room.


I do not understand people wanting to keep ashes in an urn. At what point do they or someone else have to get rid of them? How do they get rid of them? I understand having ashes scattered. Is it legal to have your ashes scattered in your lake where your cabin was? I tell my wife I am scattering hers in her local Talbott's department store.


Friend of mine had a church funeral that celebrated his loyalty to the local football team. Guests were asked to wear jeans and a jersey or at least the team colors. The sanctuary was lit in the team colors. The minister had a tie with the team colors. The closing hymn was the team's fight song. His dog also attended an sat with the family in the front pew.


My parents both had standard wakes/church funerals. Don't remember when the picture boards started, but putting that together was really a family bonding/closure enjoyable process. We then put the boards up on the walls of the family cabin.
 
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