Question re Bridal Shower

[CoolRich59]

My wife got an odd invite in the mail.

My nephew lives in Texas and has been going to school in Florida. It seems he's met a young lady at school and they are going to be married in Florida.

This invite is not an invitation to attend the bridal shower itself, but simply to send a gift. It says: "You are invited to a bridal shower honoring xxxx. Shower her by mail and send your gift to [address]. Crate and Barrel; World Market gift cards."

I know I'm an old grouch, but I was under the impression that a bridal shower was a event where the attendees socialize, eat, drink and ooh and aah as the bride-to-be opens her gifts. This is the first time I've heard of an "invitation" soliciting gifts.

This seems pretty tacky to me. Or, perhaps I'm just out of step with the times?

 

[pacergal]

We have received similar invites. I think it is the younger generations way of including older relatives who live out of state and are unable to attend. I enjoy being thought of and included in extended family celebrations, even from afar, but thats me. I send a modest gift and card with well wishes and congratulations.

 

[Bestwifeever]

That is an invitation. I’ve sent shower gifts from a registry when I’ve attended a shower in person.What does your wife want to do? I’d let her deal with this as she is the one invited.

 

[lemming]

I would not be offended to be "invited" to a wedding that I would be very unlikely to attend but this is not so subtle grabbing.
Give your sibling a call-nephew needs a realignment talk.

 

[ivinsfan]

We have received similar invites. I think it is the younger generations way of including older relatives who live out of state and are unable to attend. I enjoy being thought of and included in extended family celebrations, even from afar, but thats me. I send a modest gift and card with well wishes and congratulations.

Maybe but why can't they just send a real invitation if one exists,why bother making a special one for out of towners...invites always have gift information on them.

 

[CoolRich59]

I would not be offended to be "invited" to a wedding that I would be very unlikely to attend but this is not so subtle grabbing.

This is my thinking.

I understand sending invites to folks who you don't really think will attend, and quietly hope that perhaps they'll send a gift.

Here, there is no invite to the event itself (no mention of date, time or location), just the request for a gift.

 

[Sunset]

I could see it is an invitation to the shower, if it included a time and date.
It's not clear from OP if it did.

If this is simply a request for a gift, I'd be miffed enough to ignore it.

 

[Sunset]

We have received similar invites. I think it is the younger generations way of including older relatives who live out of state and are unable to attend. I enjoy being thought of and included in extended family celebrations, even from afar, but thats me. I send a modest gift and card with well wishes and congratulations.

That's a nice viewpoint, and I hope it's true that is their intention, as opposed to "this relative is a soft touch and will send $$".

How do they know you cannot attend ? Do they know you are poor and could not afford a trip ?

It seems to me the message is: We want your gift, but not you.
Otherwise why not let you decide if you can attend or not

 

[Meadbh]

It does seem a bit “grasping”. But in the era of GoFundMe weddings....

One way to respond would be to call their bluff and ask when and where the shower is being held so you can check your calendar!

 

[CoolRich59]

I could see it is an invitation to the shower, if it included a time and date.
It's not clear from OP if it did.

If this is simply a request for a gift, I'd be miffed enough to ignore it.

Sorry for not being clear. Definitely not an invite to the event as no date, time or location was in the invite.

It seems to me the message is: We want your gift, but not you.
Otherwise why not let you decide if you can attend or not

You've captured my thinking well.

Way back when we got married, I know we sent invites to folks we did not think would attend, and admit that we still hoped they'd send a gift even if they didn't attend. But, they were invited, and if they'd said they were coming we would loved to have them.

Here, as you note, the message definitely seems to be "We want your gift, but not you."

 

[CoolRich59]

One way to respond would be to call their bluff and ask when and where the shower is being held so you can check your calendar!

And ask to have someone put us up for the weekend too!

 

[powerplay]

This is a new one for me. My guess is that there is no actual bridal shower event and this is all a virtual event. I doubt the nephew has any control over what the brides friends and family are doing with respect to this bridal shower.

I think your wife needs to decide what she wants to do with this. A card and small gift should be sufficient or no response should also be an option. There will likely be a wedding invitation to send a gift also. It does seem kind of in poor taste to send out invites to just send gifts.

 

[Nemo2]

Just say that you have a spare towel, and that you're looking forward to showering with the bride.

 

[gayl]

Tacky!!

 

[Chuckanut]

Assuming you get along well with the nephew and his family, the question in my mind is:

Do you want to be miffed? Or... Do you want to maintain descent family relations?

I would error on the side of good relations and send a modest gift. If you end up going to the wedding, then splurge.

 

[Dreamer]

I agree that it is indeed tacky. I would not care for this type of invitation and would never want either of my children doing this. I would probably ignore it altogether. If I were sent an invitation to the wedding, I would send a check whether I attended or not.

I have never heard of a Go Fund Me wedding. I would probably laugh. I have contributed to 2 Go Fund Me events. I am getting tired of seeing them, especially for adult birthdays and contributing to their charity. I prefer to contribute to charities of my own choosing.

 

[CoolRich59]

Just say that you have a spare towel, and that you're looking forward to showering with the bride.

One thing I learned years ago about my wife's family is that this type of humor is not appreciated.

I was travelling on business to the city where one of my wife's younger sisters had recently moved. Though she had recently had her first child, she was insistent that I stop by for a visit at some point during my trip. The only time I had open was a couple of hours one afternoon.

So, there I am visiting with the sister trying to manage a newborn nursing infant. Unbeknownst to her, she suffers a 'wardrobe malfunction' and her breasts are exposed for anyone to see.

I don't know how to tell her and keep looking the other way. Finally, she notices, covers up, and demands "Did you see my boobs!?".

"Um, no".

A minute goes by, then "Are you sure you didn't see my boobs?"

"Um, yes, I'm sure."

Then again, "Tell me the truth. Did you see my boobs?"

"You seem very interested in showing me your breasts and I'd love to see them. So, why don't you open your shirt, show me your boobs, and we'll both be happy."

I thought that was pretty hilarious. She didn't. I decided it was best for me to leave.

 

[pj.mask]

Wow - I don’t know how we are having a debate on the internet about people we don’t know with other people we don’t know instead of just calling them up and chatting with them.

Maybe there is an event. Maybe their parents just said to send you a card because they bought gifts for your kids. Could be a hundred different reasons that would be more appropriately handled with good communication skills and an attitude that doesn’t immediately turn to negative thoughts.

 

[ivinsfan]

Wow - I don’t know how we are having a debate on the internet about people we don’t know with other people we don’t know instead of just calling them up and chatting with them.

Maybe there is an event. Maybe their parents just said to send you a card because they bought gifts for your kids. Could be a hundred different reasons that would be more appropriately handled with good communication skills and an attitude that doesn’t immediately turn to negative thoughts.

Pray tell, how you would initiate this conversation? Inquiring minds want to know. The OP is asking if a virtual shower is now acceptable in general society.

I actually happen to feel that "Bridal Showers" are a throwback and should be on their way out,in fact when people attend bridal showers and also the wedding I think they have a mental money limit in place and simply proportionate it between the two gifts. Now should you invite people to the shower that are not invited to the wedding? IMO, No.

 

[gayl]

I guess my family is a throwback. The shower tends to be family only whereas the wedding is a large event.

FWIW: I was invited to my nephew's wedding but not his shower. We didn't invite them to my son shower either. And oh by the way, showers are now for both parties. The ones that are a lot of fun are the baby showers for the dad. That's where everybody just brings a package of diapers as the gift and then get around to give that poor guy, in this case my son, a bunch of harrowing stories about their fatherhood missteps

 

[CoolRich59]

Wow - I don’t know how we are having a debate on the internet about people we don’t know with other people we don’t know instead of just calling them up and chatting with them.

Um, sorry, no debate scheduled. I was simply curious about this.

My initial thought that this approach was tacky was joined by some others here, but I thank those who felt otherwise for weighing in with their views. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.

 

[splitwdw]

Been "invited" to quite a few of these showers. Sometimes they hold these showers because family and friends are not near where the shower is being held. I don't care to attend showers of any kind. If I can get out of it, I send a gift. Almost all the time I'm invited to the wedding.
Would your wife go to the shower in Florida if she was invited? Are you invited to your nephew's wedding?

 

[CoolRich59]

Would your wife go to the shower in Florida if she was invited? Are you invited to your nephew's wedding?

Wife would not go to the shower if she was invited.

She is going to the wedding with one of her sisters (I am not going).

 

[Philliefan33]

I agree that this is tacky, but I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. Send a gift or not, whichever you prefer.

A number of my nieces and nephews have gotten married over the past few years, all on the West coast. Ive been invited to the showers even though they had to know that I was unlikely to attend. They were letting me know I was invited and I’m sure if I decided to fly out to attend I would’ve been welcome. Instead, I sent a gift because I love my nieces and nephews and wanted to recognize them with a gift.

My youngest daughter is organizing a “virtual” shower for her sister. Family and friends are spread all over the country so a traditional bridal shower is not feasible. Instead of gifts of things, DD2 is asking for recipes. She bought a set of matching recipe cards and sent one to each “invitee”, asking them to write out their favorite recipe to share with the bride. They will be mailed back to DD2 who will organize them in a recipe box. Not only will DD1 have family recipes, she will have a little sample of handwriting to remind her of the person who gave her the recipe.

 

[gayl]

PhillieFan33, I love that idea!

She bought a set of matching recipe cards and sent one to each “invitee”, asking them to write out their favorite recipe to share with the bride. They will be mailed back to DD2 who will organize them in a recipe box.

Another nephew is getting married but they already live together so this is a nice touch I'm sharing with my sister (his mom)