Sleep With Spouse or Separate?

[Totoro]

Just wanted to thank everyone here for sharing this, didn't realize there is lot of variability in co-habitation models (for lack of a better term).

 

[marko]

When I was a kid, my grandparents slept in separate rooms; they always had.
My other grandparents (we never saw them much; almost strangers to us) slept together.

I was about 8 or so when I realized they slept in the same room, I though it was very, very odd; I had thought all old people had separate rooms.

 

[HadEnuff]

I have suggested many times that DW and I set up the extra bedroom for the nights when one of us is too fidgety to sleep well, and might keep the other awake. She is opposed to the idea, however, it is a rare night that both of us sleep in the same bed through the night. I have back and shoulder and hip issues that often wake me up, and she just has insomnia, so most of the time one of us winds up on the couch.
I think I'm just going to set up the extra bedroom while she's not looking.

 

[Bamaman]

I have a full size bed all to myself! (and, yes, it is in the motorhome.) Oh! Wait. You were probably not talking to us single people.

Even when we go camping, the wife has her bedroom in the front of the fifth wheel trailer. I have my bedroom in the back of the trailer (bunkhouse.) Each has a flatscreen TV in it watching different programming.

 

[Bamaman]

We are in our late 40's and sleep in the same bed, but I sleep with earplugs in due to DH's snoring. Many of my friends and prior coworkers who were in their 50's and older said that they had separate bedrooms and they all seemed to think they were the only ones. I assured them that many people did this and I also wondered why everyone seemed to share this information with me.

Now in addition to the 2 humans there are usually at least 3, but sometimes up to 6 cats on the bed.

Before your husband gets too old, he might want to go for a sleep study. Those bad snorers are often choking in their sleep and holding their breaths. And people that are that way and on a CPAP machine have far less open heart surgeries and live 2+ years longer on average. It's a quality of life issue that's very serious.

 

[Aerides]

I sometimes head for the guest room when DH is in full freight train mode. Nudging gives me only a 30 second reprieve, and he's definitely not choking or holding his breath. It's full on in-out high decibels hear-down-the-hall-with-the-door-closed mode.

The next morning he will tease me about how well he slept alone, but I know well enough that's his way of joking that he missed me when he woke up.

 

[athena53]

DH has polycythemia and sometimes is awakened by sweating, itching or both. In our last house, he'd go upstairs to the guest BR to see if it would subside and allow him to get back to sleep, which was a bit worrying because he has some balance problems and has to be careful on stairs. When we moved, a second BR on the same floor was a must-have.

So, we always start out in the same bed, enjoying TV or The Great Courses together, but occasionally wake up in separate rooms.

 

[gerntz]

While we generally sleep together in queen bed, we are all over the map. More often we go to bed at different times due to the other's noises/movement interfering with getting to sleep. Then when one wakes up (75% her) & can't get back to sleep, that one goes a) on couch (80%) or b) 2nd BR (20%). We agree it's a comfortable couch.

That excludes when one is sick. If she's sick, she goes to couch. If I'm sick, she goes to couch. I sleep sounder, go to sleep quickly, but seven hours is long. I've been told I snore at times. I don't believe it.

 

[Gone4Good]

As often as possible.

 

[calmloki]

a fun free app: snorelab

Leave iPhone by the bed and it records selected bits of one's snoring, how long it takes to fall asleep, stages of sleep...

Using the app I was able to show that the claimed raucous racket i make is in fact a peaceful melodic purr that no reasonable person could object too. For some reason she rejects my claim, even though I have SCIENCE on my side.

 

[kcowan]

We choose to sleep together in a king-size bed along with the furry baby. There are four other sleeping places in each of our 2 places, but somehow I manage to put up with her snoring. She has more trouble and my ribs are worse for that.

As for using the bed for other things? Yes! Reading, sometimes eating, sometimes watching TV, sometimes other activities.

 

[Koogie]

DW and I sleep together in a king bed unless one of us is sick and then they get the guest [-]slab[/-] bed.

However, something that has really improved our sleep was buying separate comforters. We found early on that most of the time when we were waking each other up it was because we were fighting over the covers in our sleep. DW went and bought matching double size comforters. So when the bed is made it looks more or less right but at night we each have our own comforter.

 

[ivinsfan]

Sleep is just sleep and I find it interesting people attach more meaning to it. As people grow older, it's pretty much a given that quality sleep is harder to come by.

Once people become empty nesters and more bedrooms open up, I think it's pretty common for couples to migrate to separate beds. But, there still seems to be somewhat of a stigma attached to it.In our case we had a long and very difficult wet harvest a few years ago, which came with some terrible hours and a lot of stress. Quality sleep was very hard to come by. We took separate beds for the duration of harvest. After harvest was over we kept saying, oh we should move back to one bed again. But one of us always had a reason not to do it. Finally we just admitted we sleep so much better we didn't want to change anything. So there is it, we are separate sleepers, always spend a few minutes every night in the big bed, reading, watching TV and winding down before going to sleep.

 

[rodi]

Perhaps I attach to much to it... But I disagree with ivinsfan... I sleep better snuggled next to my husband and find it much harder to fall asleep without him. I think that physical closeness and physical contact while we are asleep translates into a stronger connection when we are awake. But that's just my opinion... and it may not translate to another couple.

 

[Fermion]

All of the sister wives have separate bedrooms.

Oh wait, I have been watching too much Big Love.

 

[Bestwifeever]

The most lovey dovey, affectionate in all ways, couple that I know sleeps in different bedrooms. I don't think where you sleep has anything to do with your relationship. (DH and I always sleep in the same bed.)

 

[Nemo2]

Perhaps I attach to much to it... But I disagree with ivinsfan... I sleep better snuggled next to my husband and find it much harder to fall asleep without him. I think that physical closeness and physical contact while we are asleep translates into a stronger connection when we are awake. But that's just my opinion... and it may not translate to another couple.

+1

 

[ivinsfan]

Perhaps I attach to much to it... But I disagree with ivinsfan... I sleep better snuggled next to my husband and find it much harder to fall asleep without him. I think that physical closeness and physical contact while we are asleep translates into a stronger connection when we are awake. But that's just my opinion... and it may not translate to another couple.

Yes,we are both around the mid-60' or more now and we worked 7 days a week at a job that required a 4AM wakeup and I think that we have messed up sleep patterns as well as age related sleep issues. All things being equal, we would still be in the same bed, but it's a trade-off we are willing to make for feeling more rested during the day and not being afraid to disturb each other when we can't sleep. I didn't mean to imply that it's not nice to snuggle with your SO, just that for some people it's not the optimal solution.

 

[Sarah in SC]

However, something that has really improved our sleep was buying separate comforters. We found early on that most of the time when we were waking each other up it was because we were fighting over the covers in our sleep. DW went and bought matching double size comforters. So when the bed is made it looks more or less right but at night we each have our own comforter.

This is a great idea! Thanks--we kinda do this with extra blankets in the winter, but that's brilliant to use two comforters. What about the sheets?

 

[eytonxav]

We sleep together in sickness and in health. Isn't that what the wedding vows call for. Any how, I generally cannot get to sleep until DW comes to bed after being on her iPad until midnight or beyond.

 

[hankster]

DW has a herniated disc and sleeps best in a recliner chair.

She's a night owl and I'm Mr. Early Bird. Throw in the occasional snoring issues, and it just works best to sleep separately.

Happily married for 39 years regardless of sleeping arrangements

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Until the last couple of months, the DW would get irritated when I would leave. BUT...she likes the TV on all freaking night, the dogs and cat take up 3/4 of the king size bed and she snores terribly bad. Eventually I think she realized just how irritated I was getting at the lack of sleep and gave in. So now, we go to bed together and I hang around until she drifts off and the snore train starts, then I vacate to my slice of heaven that is the guest room. Our relationship is actually better now that she gets to spread out and I am not nearly as irritable during the day.

 

[Koogie]

This is a great idea! Thanks--we kinda do this with extra blankets in the winter, but that's brilliant to use two comforters. What about the sheets?

What are these sheets you speak of ?

DW would love a flat sheet on top, as well as the fitted below. I cannot abide the flat top sheet. They twist around your feet, bunch up around your back.... bah, a pox on them !

(that's one battle she let me win)

 

[Sarah in SC]

Weird, I know someone else who is like that about top sheets. Hmmmm, you've got me thinking...
However, if I keep getting up and sleeping in the guest room, it may be a moot point.

 

[DrRoy]

Over the 35 years with DW we have always shared the same (queen) bed. We do occasionally disturb one another but I would not want to be separate. The only exception was when I got pneumonia and coughed so much she could not sleep at all.