Tricky social dilemma

[Moemg]

I know someone exactly like her unless it is her . I have seen her approach strangers who do not know her and they are shocked . Those of us who know her know this is how she approaches strangers especially men but really with us she is fine we all know when to say enough and she will quiet down and lose the vulgarity . So maybe given time this women will mellow .

 

[Sojourner]

Why is it mind-boggling because she's female? Middle-aged men did the same thing to me when I was young. It was assumed that they simply had no class + too much to drink. I was expected to deal with it.

OK... fair point. Didn't think of it from that perspective. But, I do have to say, her behavior was still boorish and lewd, just like those men who harassed you. I guess I said mind-boggling because I've never seen anything like it before, and because everyone who witnessed it was cringing just like I was. I certainly would've cringed, as well, if it had been a 60+ year old man saying those things to a 20 year old woman in my presence.

 

[Nemo2]

Call her aside, and in low tones and feigned 'confidentiality', tell her about this group you have recently become affiliated with.....

"It's so spiritually and emotionally rewarding to get really close to the patients, bathe them, etc, it just brings joy to one's heart; I have only one concern, and that's, contrary to what the medical profession would have us believe, there ARE strong indications that leprosy is highly contagious".

All the while clutching her hand and patting her bare arm.

 

[Sojourner]

Threads like this make me SO glad that I am an introvert. In a similar situation I could, and would, withdraw from the whole group permanently with no regrets.

As someone with fairly strong introvert tendencies, I understand exactly what you mean. My dilemma is that I generally like the people in this group and have had lots of very positive social interactions (along with a few not-so-good ones and this very bad one) with them. My knee-jerk reaction, walking out of that meetup the other night, was "Well, not sure if I'll be going to any more of those any time soon." But then I thought "Wait... why should I let that woman deprive me of something that I have been enjoying and want to keep enjoying?" Thus, this thread was born.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Do meet-up groups morph into less public and inclusive social groups over time?

She sounds awful.

 

[Sojourner]

Do meet-up groups morph into less public and inclusive social groups over time?

They can, but generally this would happen as a spin-off group. The original group would likely continue. I don't want to cut myself off from the original group because that's how I would meet new people. I met two very nice, interesting, pleasant people at the get-together the other night and was having a great time, until...

She sounds awful.

She is.

 

[Major Tom]

Well, this might be hard to believe, but she already did this herself! After making that comment about the 20-something guy, later in the evening he walked by our end of the table. She stopped him and repeated what she had told us... right to him! He looked incredibly embarrassed and really aghast that a woman 40 years his senior would be so sexually lewd with him, in public, in front of numerous people. It was mind boggling.

Wow. I almost want to see this woman, just to see how awful she is. I'd want to observe from a distance though, so I wouldn't actually have to deal with her! You have my sympathies.

 

[W2R]

Threads like this make me SO glad that I am an introvert. In a similar situation I could, and would, withdraw from the whole group permanently with no regrets.

As someone with fairly strong introvert tendencies, I understand exactly what you mean. My dilemma is that I generally like the people in this group and have had lots of very positive social interactions (along with a few not-so-good ones and this very bad one) with them. My knee-jerk reaction, walking out of that meetup the other night, was "Well, not sure if I'll be going to any more of those any time soon." But then I thought "Wait... why should I let that woman deprive me of something that I have been enjoying and want to keep enjoying?" Thus, this thread was born.

From what you are saying, I gather you WOULD have regrets if you withdrew from the group because you have been enjoying being around these people and being a member of the group, and want to continue. I completely agree that she has no right to deprive you of this! I just think that it would be much easier for some people to not feel deprived at all when leaving a group like that, if they are further along on the introversion spectrum.

 

[Options]

You know what I love about being retired? I don't have "social dilemmas" anymore. For the first several decades of my life I allowed so many of these situations to happen that upon retirement (reading several simplicity books helped), I decided to follow the singer Mary J. Blige's advice and have "no more drama in my life."

I've turned getting up and walking off into an art form (and it works brilliantly at instantly dissipating unpleasant situations). No, I don't excuse myself, I just walk away. I've decided now that I've hit retirement, "I don't have to", and that goes for just abut everything. I've decided not to remain around or with any person, place or thing one second longer than necessary that "does not give me joy", as this author puts it:

https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308

 

[Aerides]

Since you want to stay in the group and enjoy the events otherwise, you either have to confront or avoid. (or accept/do nothing, and just bring us new stories every two weeks).

To avoid:

Next time when you see her coming down to your end, stand up and offer her your seat. "Allow me!" then go down to the other end and take her empty seat.

If she says something like "no, i wanted you to hear this too" you can say, "i'm good, heard enough last time" and smile, and move anyway.

She sounds very boorish, but like Amethyst, I'm not sure if that's amplified because she's a she... and that perhaps some of the behavior might not grate as much were she male? Can't tell - man or woman you described a pig.

If she's really that bad, isn't it a group issue vs. your issue? Why is she still getting invites? The confront option means talking with your ring-leader and getting their thoughts... or actually going head on and calling her out which might make you the bad guy, even if you are right.

 

[Sojourner]

To avoid:

Next time when you see her coming down to your end, stand up and offer her your seat. "Allow me!" then go down to the other end and take her empty seat.

If she says something like "no, i wanted you to hear this too" you can say, "i'm good, heard enough last time" and smile, and move anyway.

Good idea... thanks. Definitely going to try this tactic next time.

If she's really that bad, isn't it a group issue vs. your issue? Why is she still getting invites? The confront option means talking with your ring-leader and getting their thoughts... or actually going head on and calling her out which might make you the bad guy, even if you are right.

I've wondered about this, since she has been a part of this group longer than I have... probably several years longer. So do others just tolerate her, or do some actually even enjoy her company? Very puzzling. I just may take the group organizer aside sometime, very discreetly, and ask him about this.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Is it a specialty meet up group or mostly a social outing group? If the former, she must have interest or expertise in the specialty, so not nice to "outlaw" her; if the latter, she probably has no other outlets for a social life if she is that bad in every gathering she goesto (not just yours, and I bet she probably is), so maybe have sympathy for her and try to ignore her if you really like the group. It's possible she doesn't bother the other people as much as you are bothered by her.

Group dynamics--if she didn't take that role, someone else would have to

 

[Maenad]

Captain Awkward addresses a number of questions like this. The archives are an amazing trove of drama.

 

[eytonxav]

If this was taking place in a restaurant whereby other customers may have overheard her offensive language, aside from your own feelings, she is being downright rude to other customers as well. Perhaps she should be told by one of the group members and reminded she is in a public place and to please desist from such vulgarity. If she's offended by that, to bad for her.

 

[target2019]

Sojourner,
Get rid of that empty chair next time!

Seriously, anything you might say or do could cause rifts in the social group. Time for a sub-group that meets on other days.

 

[H2ODude]

from OP:

"I got the feeling she's not one who can hold her liquor. She told us that her husband is always getting on her case about "drinking too much and talking too much." Umm... that would be a slight understatement."

Ding Ding Ding. I think we have a winner here. As in, it's very likely she woke up with a hangover wondering what happened last night. Let's face it, there's holding one's liquor and just, well, being a drunk. Good luck having any effect on her, avoidance at all costs the only way to deal with it. Good luck.