What If We Don’t Get Along???

[oscar1]

This is the single biggest issue I have right now. We have been together 28 years. In my brilliance, I early retired to an already retired wife while down sizing our house to a manageble budget (1,450 sq. Ft). Oh, what a mistake that was. Did not take long for DW to get part time work which she loves as do I. And she hits the gym many days in the morning. But the afternoons and evenings are brutal. Different TV interests. I am all about sports. Looking to move into a larger house now with separate man/she caves. No one told us this phase would be such a challenge. We do love traveling together but that is few and far between.

 

[CardsFan]

Not wisdom, but I wouldn't want to be in a position of chosing between going back to work or separating. That would be tough.

Or course then again, if we separated then I might have to go back to work so I guess I'll keep her, warts and all.

Bingo!

We all have our warts.

We have our separate places in the house, but socialize a lot with friends.

DW was the first to retire, so there was (is?) a period of adjustment. After all my years of travel and long work hours, she has a hard time understanding why I am OK doing nothing for several hours (days?). And it has been 3 years.

 

[HI Bill]

...I wouldn't want to be in a position of chosing between going back to work or separating.

I watched my parents during their divorce in their mid 70s. While they had plenty of money to live on as a married couple, once they divorced, they each had to maintain separate mortgages, and one had to take out a loan on the house to pay the divorce settlement. Not pretty.

I'd suggest keeping working until the effects of a divorce would not force you back to work!

 

[imoldernu]

No advice, but the history...
Jeanie and I... Friends for 15 years then married for 60 years. A learning process.

Good times, bad times, happy and sad times, now time to look back at the old times. In between time, ... a great time!

Wouldn't change a thing. We live my signature.

 

[Moemg]

I think it takes a little while to get in the rhythm of the new life .I do agree with having enough space for each of you .We are best friends and spend a lot of time together but we each have one or two separate activities.

 

[HadEnuff]

What has worked for us is that we have, over the years, developed enough different interests that we have to work pretty hard to plan to spend time together. We are snowbirding for the first time and probably have spent more time alone together in the last month than we normally do, but I play golf, she doesn't. She goes to the gym and plays pickleball, I don't. We often take our walks separately, but if the schedule allows it, we'll walk together, and I truly enjoy that time. Tonight, as a lark, we went outside and played shuffleboard. Neither of us had ever done it before. She kicked my ass. We had a lot of laughs. It was great. But today was one of those days when I was out doing my thing, she did hers, and we didn't spend much time together until then.

That's what seems to work for us. I know other couples who are happy as could be, doing everything together. You never see one without the other.

Good luck!

 

[Aerides]

Understanding each other's preferences is key. DH and I are best friends, but we're both introverts. I love quiet downtime by myself. He does too. We can spend hours together in the same room and say nothing and that's perfectly fine. We also still have long chats on many topics, and have similar interests.

But it's a venn diagram. There are things we have in common and then those that are completely separate. Mine take me outside more than his (gardening, running). So a lot of my "alone" time is doing those. He's not pining for me when I'm out, and I'm not whining that he doesn't want to come along with me.

Same with entertainment - I can sit and binge through all of Downton Abbey - he would rather watch Anime. But we play mostly the same games together.

It's all about finding a balance that works for you. That you are thinking ahead is already a good sign.

 

[Souschef]

We have been married for 11 years and recently took a 32 day cruise without killing one another
We are both retired, and we have separate activities, and together activities. she loves the fact I help in the kitchen (hence my screen name).
On our first night in our new home, after dinner, I told her to go outside and I would clean up. She looked to the heavens and said, "There is a God"

 

[dtbach]

Worst part for me is that when DW worked I could play Led Zeppelin and Rolling Stones all day at a high decibel level that I enjoyed. After she retired, that all ended. Listening on headphones is NOT the same thing.

 

[Bamaman]

Just do everything she asks you to do, and everything will be all right.

I too have my Man Cave and she has her space. We do meet up for supper occasionally, as she does enjoy my cooking.

 

[CardsFan]

No advice, but the history...
Jeanie and I... Friends for 15 years then married for 60 years. A learning process.

Good times, bad times, happy and sad times, now time to look back at the old times. In between time, ... a great time!

Wouldn't change a thing. We live my signature.

++1000

Thank you (both of you) for your inspiration. I have read your post for many years.

I hope to be have as beautiful a life as you two.

 

[redduck]

...so I guess I'll keep her, warts and all.

You know, a dermatologist might be able to freeze those warts off.

 

[Dtail]

Worst part for me is that when DW worked I could play Led Zeppelin and Rolling Stones all day at a high decibel level that I enjoyed. After she retired, that all ended. Listening on headphones is NOT the same thing.

Ah, when the DGF goes to her many doctor appointments without me, time to blast Kiss, AC/DC, etc.

 

[badatmath]

+1000 This is the perfect answer.

Frank and I decided there is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing the fact that we both need a lot of "alone time". In our case, his house is the man-cave and mine (next door) is the woman-cave, but it's the same concept as what Alan and his DW are doing.

We are together maybe 6-7 hours/day, and only when both of us want to be together. For example, sometimes he comes over and stays too late, and he has no problem with being kicked out (with a smile) when that happens.

I was quite happy like this in college with a SO in the same dorm. Only a few steps when one of us needed to go "home".

 

[FreeBear]

It's great to see that many here married their best friend. DW and I are happy and blessed to be in the same situation.

I suspect most of our friends think that we are joined at the hip since we are usually together in public: church stuff, outdoor recreation, eating out with friends. In reality, we spend a decent amount of time apart daily and this w*rks well.

We have kept separate offices, somewhat of an offhand decisions that has proved critical in retrospect. Although we enjoy many outdoor interests in common, our indoor hobbies are different and require separate spaces, both practically and psychologically. We get together almost daily to stream a movie or show, but we love having our separate TV's.

We still keep 2 cars, in large part to maintain a veneer of psychological independence. I treasure the regular coffees with a few buddies. She loves recreational shopping and a rare ladies dinner-no thanks!

We are both introverts, DW a little, me a lot. It's great to be apart for several hours daily, but I still love the fact that we can and will get together. So, both apart and together are equally important. It's wonderful to be FIRE'd and married to someone wonderful. A big drive toward FIRE was to spend more time together, or nearly together, doing something enjoyable, than wasting life at the office doing BS, often with people I detest.

 

[robnplunder]

Just be ready for being flexible, understanding, etc.. For example, when I retired, I thought I got it all figured when it comes to facing DW 24x7. Well, almost. DW has mood swings which is harder when we are together 24x7. It wasn't bad when I was working since I am at work for 10+ hours. That 10+ hours was added stress when DW gets into one of her "down" mood. I learned to disappear, make myself obscure, stay away from her wrath, etc..

 

[Scuba]

I think you’ll be fine. DH & I are best friends too, but we do have some separate interests. I’m much more social and have a higher need for activity, so I tend to be away from home for several hours multiple days each week. I have lunch with friends, work out, and do volunteer work at a local university. Other days, we go to the gym together, have lunch together either out or at home, run errands together, spend time with mutual friends, or go see a movie. When we are home together, we often do separate things.

I think DH was worried before we retired that I might demand too much attention or participation in activities he wouldn’t want to do, but that hasn’t happened. The only time we’re together 24/7 for several consecutive days or weeks is when we travel. We like doing new things or exploring new places together, so we enjoy being joined at the hip when traveling.

 

[Midpack]

Just dawned on us that we won’t have breakfast together every Mon thru Fri as we have for the last 7+ years.

And I wonder if I’ll lose track of days/weekends. DW was off weekends, now she won’t be. Not a big deal, just a change.

My point is simply there will be lots of little adjustments, some we haven’t realized yet. A new chapter.

 

[Bir48die]

I second anyone saying have a couple separate hobbies or volunteer opportunities from each other. Not all things have to be done in tandem. My wife and I make a point of splitting off during the day a few times and then rendezvous later.

 

[Rianne]

It's a Give and Take. My DH, somewhat OCD. Likes clean organized prepared detailed lifestyle. It takes some doing, but over time, if you're BFF and truly love and respect each other, you'll adjust. We've been married 35 years. It was frustrating at first, for both of us. We do our own thing, have enough room in the house to separate to our own likes. Three TV's. I like in depth, murder spy intrigue type series on Netflix. He likes tennis, sports. We are very independent and dependent at the same time. I would die of a broken heart if he died before me.

 

[Bryan Barnfellow]

If anything my wife and I have become even closer now that I have retired (she stopped working for money about 20 years ago). We are both much more relaxed and enjoy each other's company when doing simple errands, reading, or walking along the lake. Even three year's into retirement we remain in awe of our good luck at being able to forgo paid employment!

But she and I have our own schedules also, and that gives us time to interact with others as singletons, which is important. We sit together every Sunday for 15 minutes to review our plans for the coming week.

-BB

 

[audreyh1]

Worst part for me is that when DW worked I could play Led Zeppelin and Rolling Stones all day at a high decibel level that I enjoyed. After she retired, that all ended. Listening on headphones is NOT the same thing.

There is some music I wait until DH is off doing something, then I play loud at home.

 

[Bryan Barnfellow]

Worst part for me is that when DW worked I could play Led Zeppelin and Rolling Stones all day at a high decibel level that I enjoyed. After she retired, that all ended. Listening on headphones is NOT the same thing.

My solution was to teach my dearest wife about Led Zep, Pink Floyd, etc. and she came to love them as much as I do! In fact, as I am an audiophile, I've gotten her to appreciate high resolution (meaning greater than CD quality) music recordings, along with good equipment to listen on. I'm in heaven!

-BB

 

[kgtest]

After 39 years happily married (she tells me ) I’m joking — aren’t I?

But when DW works her last day on Feb 1, we’ll be together like never before. It occurred to us we were both working when we met and later married, so we’ve never been together more than a few days at a time other than a two week vacation occasionally - obviously ideal circumstances.

We know we’ll need to have lives of our own along with lives together. I’ll be sailing, playing golf and several other guy things and she knows she needs to have her own interests apart from me too.

I think we’ll be fine, but I’d welcome any learned wisdom you have to share, so I’m not tempted to go back to work...

I was reading a study done by people who had divorced multiple times but then finally married and it stuck (a very specific yet logical sampling of "married") and they said one of the things all respondents stated that caused failure of the prior marriages, but not current marriages was having your own identity but being able to adapt as your spouse's identities change throughout the course of the marriage. This is because your identities WILL change. So my advice, be open-minded and understanding, give space when needed.

 

[steelyman]

I was reading a study done by people who had divorced multiple times but then finally married and it stuck (a very specific yet logical sampling of "married") and they said one of the things all respondents stated that caused failure of the prior marriages, but not current marriages was having your own identity but being able to adapt as your spouse's identities change throughout the course of the marriage. This is because your identities WILL change. So my advice, be open-minded and understanding, give space when needed.

Can’t speak from experience but this makes sense. It occurs to me that if retirements are not concurrent, the later retiree might want to adjust to the life change in their own way and at their own pace. To help that, go easy on the “here’s how you retire, honey” advice.