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Old 05-14-2009, 01:05 PM   #41
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...However, at my age, if something were to happen to my spouse and I did hook up with someone else I probably would go for the his, mine and ours approach as Freebird has done

Actually LH and I did this too in 20 years of marriage plus 5 yrs prior.
He was an avid sailing nut with the accompanying costs , so he used "his" for that. I used "mine" for my interests and fun spending, like a new car with a sunroof. "We" had a joint account that paid "our" bills. LH's salary was always much higher than mine. If I fell short, he of course threw in extra. I eventually caught up with a decent salary.

OP is beyond this point after 32 years, so it is moot. The past is the past.

However, the "his, hers, ours" model may be apropos now that an imbalance in wealth between spouses
has occurred due to the inheritance.
And a line has been drawn, right or wrong.
Add the DD's need (or desire or demand?) for a car. This seems to be the 3rd party driver to the opposing views.
This is a very ticklish situation.
I hope it all w*rks out for OP. Smart idea to get outside opinions.
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Old 05-14-2009, 01:29 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by FIREdreamer View Post
It's very true that I am influenced by my own situation. DW is unlikely to inherit much while I may inherit a lot of money.

But, in my case, I am also very aware of the responsibility that comes with that money. The money I may inherit is a bit of family "fortune", built by several generations of hard working people. I feel like I have a duty to protect it and pass it on to the next generation. I love my wife very much and cannot imagine ever divorcing her, but I have seen too many seemingly happy marriages unravel before to take any chances. People change. Situations change. I want the family money to remain safely in my possession through it all. As I said before I will share some of the bounty with my wife (dividends/interests generated by the principal), but I will never commingle the inheritance with the rest of our finances.
Your safest bet is to divorce her now. Remmber, "Flunk now and avoid the June rush!"

Oh, and delete your post above.

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I don't expect to inherit....if I do great, if not great.
But I did spend a lot of time saving and investing up to this point.....and I will be damned if in a divorce, my spouse would get half. That is influenced by a good friend of mine who just got divorced from her steroid abusing husband who wanted her to pay alimony because he spent most of his time getting high and living off her money.
Welcome to the world of equal rights, Citrine.
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Old 05-14-2009, 01:30 PM   #43
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REMOVED because I am getting emotionally involved in a thread, which never ends well for me........

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The one comment of yours that really disturbed me was where you said you felt 'irked' by the idea of the kids getting the balance of the inheritence when they didn't do anything to earn that money.
Frankly, as said before, neither did you. It was your wife's parents that passed away. It was their life's earnings, not yours. And it was their gift to their daughter, not you.
When my sister died, she left her 403B to my two minor children. She could have left it to DW and I but chose not to. It would have helped us ER a few years earlier but she thought education was important for them, and wanted to make that happen. Fact is, I am not mad about her doing that. I would MUCH rather have my sister than her money for my kid's education, that is for sure.....
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Old 05-14-2009, 01:37 PM   #44
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Few points of clarification
We wont be taking the issue to the point where it becomes a divorce.
Daughter is full time university student and needs a car to get to her summer job some 20 miles away.
We are only talking about a newish car in the $15 to $20k range not the whole inheiritance.
The wife is gone all day from 7am to 7pm with the new car doing her volunteer work or out with friends, for the time being we still have two cars but our secondary car is finished and ready for the scrap yard,(needs full brake job and two cv joints)., Once it finally quits the wife expects me to somehow come up with the money for a new car or take the bus.
Rational communication has been tried but she thinks she will need every penny of her inheiritance for the eventual nursing home or seniors residence she may have to go to when she gets old.
As i've always made much more money than her in our working careers so to will the eventual inheiritance from my parents trump hers and now instead of throwing it in the joint account and saying take what you need i'll be reciprocating in kind.
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Old 05-14-2009, 01:45 PM   #45
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...When my sister died, she left her 403B to my two minor children. She could have left it to DW and I but chose not to. It would have helped us ER a few years earlier but she thought education was important for them, and wanted to make that happen. Fact is, I am not mad about her doing that. I would MUCH rather have my sister than her money for my kid's education, that is for sure.....
Sounds like your sister was a wonderful person, FD.

My mom did a similar thing with 3 of my siblings who had kids. 2 of us had no kids of our own. The no-kid beneficiaries inherited directly, the ones with kids received no inheritance but their minor children did. We're not talking about a lot of dough here, but boy did it get people riled up.
I had to step in as Alternate Executor and sic my attorney on the Executor brother by telephone to get him to behave and follow the letter of the Will.
I was a good "family cop". But my Mom must have known that.
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Old 05-14-2009, 01:48 PM   #46
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Sounds like your sister was a wonderful person, FD.
Yes she was, I have 3 boxes of condolences cards from her friends and peers in the scientific community.........

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My mom did a similar thing with 3 of my siblings who had kids. 2 of us had no kids of our own. The no-kid beneficiaries inherited directly, the ones with kids received no inheritance but their minor children did. We're not talking about a lot of dough here, but boy did it get people riled up.
I had to step in as Alternate Executor and sic my attorney on the Executor brother by telephone to get him to behave and follow the letter of the Will.
I was a good "family cop". But my Mom must have known that.
Someday when I am in a really bad mood I will share some personal horror stories of how badly money has transferred in my family........
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Old 05-14-2009, 01:57 PM   #47
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...Someday when I am in a really bad mood I will share some personal horror stories of how badly money has transferred in my family........
New thread...new thread...this would be very instructive to the collective. When the mood hits ya.

Back on topic for me ...I agree with the latest post the OP put here.
If lines now exist, he has no choice but to abide by same rules.
This may actually force a compromise, once a taste of one's own medicine is applied in a civiized manner.

I see the need for DD to have a vehicle. Glad to hear she is in university and w*rking. BTDT.
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Old 05-14-2009, 02:06 PM   #48
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That's not what I said, it was citrine's view of the OP that was troubling, basically a shut up and leave it alone mantra.......
I would agree with you IF that is what she said. It may be what Citrine meant, but it is not what she said, therefore I won't jump to the same conclusion without clarification from her.


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When my sister died, she left her 403B to my two minor children. She could have left it to DW and I but chose not to. It would have helped us ER a few years earlier but she thought education was important for them, and wanted to make that happen. Fact is, I am not mad about her doing that. I would MUCH rather have my sister than her money for my kid's education, that is for sure.....
That is a very noble gesture and very understanding of you. I also certainly understand your preference about having your sister over money (for you or your kids), I am sorry for your loss
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Old 05-14-2009, 02:40 PM   #49
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Few points of clarification
We wont be taking the issue to the point where it becomes a divorce.
Daughter is full time university student and needs a car to get to her summer job some 20 miles away.
We are only talking about a newish car in the $15 to $20k range not the whole inheiritance.
The wife is gone all day from 7am to 7pm with the new car doing her volunteer work or out with friends, for the time being we still have two cars but our secondary car is finished and ready for the scrap yard,(needs full brake job and two cv joints)., Once it finally quits the wife expects me to somehow come up with the money for a new car or take the bus.
Rational communication has been tried but she thinks she will need every penny of her inheiritance for the eventual nursing home or seniors residence she may have to go to when she gets old.
As i've always made much more money than her in our working careers so to will the eventual inheiritance from my parents trump hers and now instead of throwing it in the joint account and saying take what you need i'll be reciprocating in kind.
So it does sound more like a car issue than inheritance....

SOOO, take 'her' car for you... (BTW, who bought this one with whose money) don't give her the keys... don't let your DD drive it... say to them 'work it out, I am done with it'...


Let's see how that one goes over....


OR, tell DD to talk to mom if she wants a car... that you have yours and you can not let her take it to work... SHE can ride the bus for all you care...


This might go over a bit better, but I would be ducking if I said it....


Last... you can probably find a nice ride in the $5 to $6K range.. so not as expensive as you put down...
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Old 05-14-2009, 02:54 PM   #50
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I have read all the posts. Some to the detail and some I glanced over as I could already see the trend. I'll bet you that this post could go on for a year because "money is the root of all evil". There will be posts for and against either side. I know this. There is no right or wrong answer. It all depends on the relationship you have with your better half. Example: Wife and I have been married 35 years. Her folks didn't have squat but they provided me with a beautiful, loving, caring wife. OTOH, my folks had a little and left each of their three kids a few bucks. The amount doesn't matter. My wife and my folks were very close and I felt that what was mine was hers. However, just because my folks left us some money, I was not going to let her piss it away. I was there to protect their interest because they worked so hard for their money. In general my wife is pretty frugal, but because she never had anything as a kid, she has a tendency to go crazy sometimes. I don't want to deprive her of some nice things, but I'm very frugal (that's how I was raised) and I guess my job if to provide for my wife while trying to protect the money my folks left to "us". For some reason I'm very protective of that. Guess I'm trying to make them proud of what they did for "us". I understand marriages/relationships where there are millions of dollars and their viewpoints may be different. However, the end result is dependent on the relationship betweem you and your better half.
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Old 05-14-2009, 03:10 PM   #51
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When it all comes down to....it is HER money and she can do whatever she wants to with it. In many ways, it is not your business.
Maybe you should look at why you feel that she needs to spend that money on enhancing you life. She has already used some of the money to eradicate the debt and replace a car for the family. If she wants to let it sit in the bank for the kids, that is her choice!
I am more concerned with your resentment rather than her not parting with the wealth.
By that logic, isn't the money that he earned all those decades "his" and not "hers?" That whole presumption -- in either direction -- seems destructive to me.

I do agree this feels like a marriage-threatening circumstance if the resentment mounts on either side. Rather than argue over whether the money is his or hers, I'd try to figure out why they both don't look at it as "theirs" and go from there. These waters run deep and I suspect it's about more than the money and its ownership.

If the OP's desire is to save the marriage, it sounds like a good time to get into counselling.
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Old 05-14-2009, 03:24 PM   #52
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IMO counseling is overrated. Why would OP pay any attention to what his wife might say in counseling? She has already spoken volumes. He has the best information that he will ever have about where his wife's head is. For Heaven's sake, she entertains herself all day with "their car", yet suggests that he take a bus. Would it be too much to ask that she peel off $20,000 or so from a very nice inheritance to get another car? He does not appear to be asking for co-ownership, only that her new wealth be used in some small part to enhance the lives of all family members.

He thought he had an "all for one, and one for all" relationship. He has discovered that he does not.

Meanwhile, he expects a good inheritance himself. A lot easier to be sure he hangs on to this if it comes to him as 'Joe Blow, a single man".

If it were me, I would get out of Dodge now. But it isn't me, so he should do whatever he wants to do. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a knot in his stomach.

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Old 05-14-2009, 05:06 PM   #53
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Just wondering who did the $20k of debt belong to that she so generously paid for ... was it his, hers or joint?

For those who think the wife is ok to keep it all to herself, what if Mr Jambo buys a lottery ticket and wins the mega millions jackpot of $50 million - should he consider that his money?
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Old 05-14-2009, 05:49 PM   #54
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For those who think the wife is ok to keep it all to herself, what if Mr Jambo buys a lottery ticket and wins the mega millions jackpot of $50 million - should he consider that his money?
If they keep their finances joint, then he bought the ticket with joint money and the winnings are theirs IMO. If they keep their finances separate, then you could argue that the winnings are his. BUT, since the winnings would probably be split 50/50 in case of a divorce, then I say keep the peace and share the winnings from day 1.
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Old 05-14-2009, 06:48 PM   #55
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[quote=haha;815166].

He thought he had an "all for one, and one for all" relationship. He has discovered that he does not.

/quote]
ing

I have to agree with Ha . if I was with someone for a lot less than 32 years and they were hoarding money for their future nursing home I'd question were is the We in this equation .
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Old 05-14-2009, 08:00 PM   #56
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Inheritance

So sorry that this cash infusion is causing such turmoil in a 32 year marriage. As Jambo indicates that the relationship was previously amicable, it seems that Mrs. Jambo has some inner turmoil over sharing. Insecurity maybe? Guilt over spending resources that her hardworking parents scrimped to accumulate? Possibly she feels better looking at this money as a legacy for the children or as asset to be deployed in case of emergency only? Jambo, if you have been happy for 32 years, pretend this money doesn't exist. Don't let it eat away at your marriage. Over time, your wife's comfort level with using this resource to enhance your lives might change. I am not unsympathetic to your feelings on this matter. My LH and I married young. He had nothing. I had a small inheritance from my Mom, and I worked to support him through med school. Everything we had was in one pot and remained that way throughout our marriage. BTW, I can certainly understand why older, established people who marry would want a pre-nup and separation of assets. I can also understand why you might want to keep anything you might inherit in the future in your name alone.
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:44 PM   #57
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This is why we're disclaiming any parental inheritances... assuming we don't end up financially supporting them in the first place.

If we really wanted to be cruel, mean, and vengeful we'd take them and gift them to our kid. But hopefully it all ends up at the right charity.

Jambo, you seem to feel that you've contributed to the marriage out of proportion to your "returns". One could even wonder if you feel that your spouse owes a certain dollar contribution to the partnership to rebalance the books. Yet from her perspective she may see herself as the fiscal defender of funding the years of long-term care that she's actuarially going to have to spend on your behalf. If she sees herself spending the money to pay for your care and then her care in the years to come, then perhaps she'd be a bit hesitant to spend it on an extra car now.

Perhaps a marital-diplomacy error was the presumption that the inheritance was "ours" instead of hers, or at least that you'd have some input into how it'd be used. It might be worth starting over, acknowledging that it's hers to spend or save or give away as she wishes, and seeing where the two of you go from there.

Maybe the focus should be on how you and your daughter fund your transportation options without spouse's assistance. Because that certainly seems to be the reality.
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Old 05-14-2009, 09:58 PM   #58
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Financedude....I never said that the OP should shut up and take it.
Inheritances are personal and I think that the wife should be able to do whatever she wants to with it because her parents were the ones who scrimped and saved it for her. I also think it is smart that she is saving it for her later years.....we all know that on average men die before women. This way she will not be destitute once the OP passes on and become a burden to their children. It makes perfect sense to me.

I also think that when the OP gets his inheritance that he should be able to do whatever he wants with it. I am sure that the DD can get a decent car for under 10K.
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Old 05-14-2009, 10:03 PM   #59
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In my marriage everything is our money, be it when I was the only bread-winner while she was still in law school or when she passed me in income because of said law school. I believe it's a fundamental aspect of marriage all the rewards belong to both and reasonable discussion should drive how it's handled. I couldn't imagine receiving any type of windfall and not engaging her in what our ideas are with compromise on both sides on how to handle it. I don't get it, really honestly don't understand how that's possible to say no it's mine you have no say since it's mine mine all mine.

Craziness.
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Old 05-14-2009, 10:07 PM   #60
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I also think it is smart that she is saving it for her later years.....we all know that on average men die before women. This way she will not be destitute once the OP passes on and become a burden to their children. It makes perfect sense to me.
I don't think the point is whether any one of us agrees with the wisdom of it since we really don't know much about their financial situation.

To me it's not the wisdom of one or the other, it's the willingness to compromise and the spouse who's got equal share in the relationship's opinion.

By the "her parents worked so it's her say" logic we could also say that a housewife has absolutely no say in personal finance matters since the husband is earning the money. If she believes he's not saving enough for retirement or is stupid for investing in Uncle Will's new restaurant does she have a say since he's the one who's name is on the pay check?
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