Awkward Wealth

[Lakewood90712]

"Crap, I can't find any caviar."

Looks like the sanctions against Russia over invading the Ukraine are indeed working , as I think Russia is a major exporter of caviar.

 

[Live And Learn]

I'm thinking about throwing some handyman work to the husband.

I would have felt awkward also, and probably would have waited for someone else to ask or not ask at all for the caviar.

I do hope you are kidding about asking the husband to do handyman work for you. That would probably be totally embarrassing for him.

 

[omni550]

A few years before I early retired (but I was already counting down the days with a notation on the corner of my office calendar), I was sitting around chatting with my boss and a fellow employee. This boss just loved to "live large" and was bragging about her recently refinanced Jumbo mortgage. She turned to me and asked me details about my mortgage. After an awkward silence, I said I didn't have one.
You could've heard a pin drop.

omni

 

[gozer]

A question I am 100 percent sure I will never ask: where can I find the caviar?

Ditto. I might ask about Pop Tarts, but not caviar.

I worked at a grocery when I was a teenager. My store was on the border of a fairly poor area in town, so a high percentage of our customers were on some sort of government assistance. Caviar was not big seller. Once in four years, I was asked where it was. As I remember it, the first thing my very tactful 17 year old self said was, "Do you really eat that?".

 

[Amethyst]

We are surrounded by people who have far more resources than we do. As someone who worked in budgeting and costing for a while, I know what many of them do for a living, and how much that usually pays. I'm also familiar with the demographics of our extremely wealthy county.

We joke that one of these days, we will be asked to park our small old American car somewhere other than the gym parking lot, because it is embarrassing the high-end imports.

Amethyst

 

[Amethyst]

Funny story - when shopping at the foo-foo grocery store, I accidentally touched "EBT" instead of "CREDIT" and the cashier had to void the transaction and start over. I apologized and he confided that he routinely saw "EBT" cards used to purchase high-end groceries such as shrimp and crabmeat.

Amethyst

Ditto. I might ask about Pop Tarts, but not caviar.

I worked at a grocery when I was a teenager. My store was on the border of a fairly poor area in town, so a high percentage of our customers were on some sort of government assistance. Caviar was not big seller. Once in four years, I was asked where it was. As I remember it, the first thing my very tactful 17 year old self said was, "Do you really eat that?".

 

[LoneAspen]

If you really care, you can buy it here:

Amazon.com : Classic Grey Sevruga Caviar - 4.00 lb. / 1800 gr. (Free Overnight Shipping!) : Sevruga Caviars And Roes : Grocery & Gourmet Food
Classic Grey Sevruga Caviar - 4.00 lb. / 1800 gr. (Free Overnight Shipping!)


(Note the free shipping!)

ROFL - Be sure and read the customer reviews for this.

Good, but eventually gave my dogs the squirts

 

[Sarah in SC]

Fuego, I will come up there and do an intervention if you hire out handyman chores! If DH got wind of that, next thing you know he'd be balking at being treated like a rented mule!

Nope! Take the casserole over there and enjoy that cruise!

 

[Looking4Ward]

Good thing you weren't looking for the Grey Poupon.....

 

[Nemo2]

A question I am 100 percent sure I will never ask: where can I find the caviar?

As an Australian I encountered some 50 years ago said "This jam tastes fishy".

 

[gozer]

Funny story - when shopping at the foo-foo grocery store, I accidentally touched "EBT" instead of "CREDIT" and the cashier had to void the transaction and start over. I apologized and he confided that he routinely saw "EBT" cards used to purchase high-end groceries such as shrimp and crabmeat.

Amethyst

In the old days of "food stamps", I saw expensive foods purchased with them. I probably saw more junk food purchased than expensive food. I also saw some people with food stamps selling them for 50 cents on the dollar in front of the store the first week of every month. So it was always possible that the person buying the groceries was not actually a food stamp recipient. It was only a small percent of users, but it did occur.

Our store pushed your cart out and loaded your bags into your car. I remember one lady that bought over $100 in nice steaks and I was loading them into her Mercedes convertible. I suspect she had bought the food stamps she used.

 

[FUEGO]

I would have felt awkward also, and probably would have waited for someone else to ask or not ask at all for the caviar.

I do hope you are kidding about asking the husband to do handyman work for you. That would probably be totally embarrassing for him.

I was in a hurry since I had groceries in the car, and didn't think about it until I had already asked her.

"A" actually suggested to me that her husband is available for handyman work and would love to have the work to make money and to get him out of the house and out of his slump. He was a jack of all trades handyman type guy for a property management firm for many years before recently losing his job.

Would it really be embarrassing to ask him to do paid work for me (serious question)? I hadn't considered that. I live in a mix of blue collar and white collar neighborhood, and lots of folks in the 'hood are in construction (many have their own small businesses doing handyman work, roofing, painting, cabinets, etc). Would it be any more embarrassing than asking an out of work IT guy to fix my computer?

 

[steelyman]

You could always take the Austin Powers approach and say, "Get in my belly!"

 

[FUEGO]

Fuego, I will come up there and do an intervention if you hire out handyman chores! If DH got wind of that, next thing you know he'd be balking at being treated like a rented mule!

Nope! Take the casserole over there and enjoy that cruise!

I have this stubborn leak in my roof that won't quit. I'm about to replace the entire roof just to get rid of it, but thought it might be worth a shot at getting some expert outside counsel instead of me trying to figure it out. If Big D wants to come up here and give it a fix, I'll pay for gas for the bus and might even let you guys sleep inside in the guest room!

 

[timo2]

"do you know where the fish eggs or caviar is located?".

It is interesting what we imagine people think. She may have thought something like I would have "I can't believe you eat that stuff" and not given it another thought. (I'd literally have to be starving to eat that, Foie Gras, or any other innards, including the deep fried ones. yikes!!!!).

That said, anyone with any money at all will run into this sort of situation. And it probably will become more common.
For instance, I was enlisted by DW to fix her coworker/friend's family computer. It was totally obsolete and unfixable, the kind I had already recycled. We ended up giving them an old PC I had just quit using, plus an older laptop that was still good [because the pc also was partially obsolete].....If I knew what I know now, I would have told them to buy a cheap Chromebook.

The laptop ended up being stolen when a kid left it in her car.

 

[CaliforniaMan]

I was in a hurry since I had groceries in the car, and didn't think about it until I had already asked her.

"A" actually suggested to me that her husband is available for handyman work and would love to have the work to make money and to get him out of the house and out of his slump. He was a jack of all trades handyman type guy for a property management firm for many years before recently losing his job.

Would it really be embarrassing to ask him to do paid work for me (serious question)? I hadn't considered that. I live in a mix of blue collar and white collar neighborhood, and lots of folks in the 'hood are in construction (many have their own small businesses doing handyman work, roofing, painting, cabinets, etc). Would it be any more embarrassing than asking an out of work IT guy to fix my computer?

I think it would be fine for you to offer him the work, since that is his line anyway. I recently had my neighbor, an out of work construction worker and handyman do a construction job for me. It worked out great for both of us. I got really good quality workmanship at a fair price, he got to stay busy and earn some money, other people in the neighborhood saw his work and is leading to more work for him. In addition we got to know each other better as I worked with him a bit (under his direction). Can be a win win situation for both of you.

 

[jon-nyc]

Ditto. I might ask about Pop Tarts, but not caviar.

I worked at a grocery when I was a teenager. My store was on the border of a fairly poor area in town, so a high percentage of our customers were on some sort of government assistance. Caviar was not big seller. Once in four years, I was asked where it was. As I remember it, the first thing my very tactful 17 year old self said was, "Do you really eat that?".

Reminds me of what happened to me a few years ago. One of the few times in life I've bought caviar, we were having a party and my wife needed it for some appetizer. I went to the fancy overpriced deli on the corner to get a few things, one was this small jar of caviar. The cashier warned me before ringing it up "it's $50". I just said 'yeah, I'm not surprised'. She responds "is it good?"

I paused for a second and said "not really".

I'm sure she didn't know what to make of me after that.

 

[luckydude]

Today it happened. The first time I felt very awkward about being (relatively) wealthy.

Back in the spring, I found myself having coffee with two neighbors. We all have kids that attend the neighborhood elementary school, and we also have younger kids around age 2 or 3. The two neighbors are discussing finances and one of them (let's call her A) reveals the financial difficulties she's facing. They are about to lose their used car due to missing one payment too many. Her husband can't find work and has been scraping by on day laborer jobs and occasional handyman stuff.

I kept my mouth shut about why it was 10 am on a weekday and I'm hanging out shooting the breeze over coffee (I'm ER'd). The other neighbor knows I'm retired but she didn't toss that fact out for discussion (she has tact).

I see A while walking to school and at school functions and consider her an acquaintance. I forgot she worked at the local Trader Joes until I bumped into her this morning at TJ's (again, around 10 am). I chat with her a bit and then proceed with my shopping. Capers, marinated artichokes, wine, champagne, cheese - the regular things you get at TJ's that aren't cheaply found at Walmart or Aldi.

Crap, I can't find any caviar. I don't even know why it's on my grocery list other than DW put it there (it wasn't me!). After looking everywhere for the caviar, I finally decide to ask someone. The only person around was my acquaintance A. I tried to make it sound less expensive by asking "do you know where the fish eggs or caviar is located?". I already had my cart full of all these clearly luxury goods by this point. "A" told me the caviar is in the cheese section, but it's seasonal. Check back around Thanksgiving.

It felt awkward. And I felt a little guilty. I know I shouldn't feel guilty though.

Anyone else have those awkward wealth moments?

This has never happened to me but it happened to DM about 30 years ago after she and DD bought a new house. She made a new friend and was invited over to her house for lunch with a group of ladies. During chit-chat the subject of house/mortgage came up. Everyone complained about their mortgage payment, then the new friend asked DM about DM's mortgage on the new house. Without thinking DM replied that she didn't have a mortgage as she and DD paid cash for the house. The conversation stopped cold. Afterward, DM never heard from the new friend again.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I'm not really interested in eating it, but DW wanted to try it....

Uh oh, that's a dangerous idea--what if she really really likes it? Don't let her test drive any luxury cars or the Fuego budget could be wiped out

She can probably sample caviar on your upcoming cruise.

 

[LOL!]

This thread mentioned dentists a few times. Those dentists are playing with you. Folks like that learn how to seem broke all the time. They have to play that way or everyone will expect a discount or handout from them.

Also note that when folks said they didn't have a mortgage how well did that play out? The trick is rarely, if ever, say you do not have a mortgage. Dentists already know about this.

When everyone is ragging about the high cost of something, they want confirmation, so give them confirmation.

Another for instance. I don't have $25 million in tax-exempt bonds, but people jump to conclusion: http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f28/tax-deferred-part-of-portfolio-73137.html#post1479729

 

[TimSF]

Interesting stories. Thanks all for sharing. I can certainly relate to the awkwardness. My closest friends are also my work colleagues of 20 years (now, former colleagues). We worked at the same jobs and the same firms for roughly the same levels of compensation for two decades. Now, they envy the fact the I got off the hamster-wheel early, are mystified about how I did it, yet too tactful to ask me about money. I think they secretly believe I have far more money that I really do. Some of them may even believe I retired for health reasons (I didn't). In truth, the real "secret" was simple - LBMM for many years, watched the expenses carefully (even more so, now), and stayed invested while studiously avoiding each new investment fad. My big secret is quite boring: slow and steady won the race.

 

[CaliforniaMan]

This thread mentioned dentists a few times. Those dentists are playing with you. Folks like that learn how to seem broke all the time. They have to play that way or everyone will expect a discount or handout from them.

Also note that when folks said they didn't have a mortgage how well did that play out? The trick is rarely, if ever, say you do not have a mortgage. Dentists already know about this.

When everyone is ragging about the high cost of something, they want confirmation, so give them confirmation.

Another for instance. I don't have $25 million in tax-exempt bonds, but people jump to conclusion: http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f28/tax-deferred-part-of-portfolio-73137.html#post1479729

There are indeed some extremely wealthy families that play the poor game. I know at least one, must be worth well in excess of 100M, but live modestly and worked in construction, small contracting jobs, even as a handyman sometimes! They live in modest houses and their kids go to public schools. I only know about their wealth from a mutual friend who grew up with them as kids and having seen some of their huge ocean front properties (they don't live there). They are great people and enjoy life. Having always had money they seem to treasure the real things in life. Always been quite amazing to me. When people have enough, there is never any reason to either be jealous of those who have more, or rub it in (even unconsciously) to others who are struggling. It is just about having some class as well as having money.

 

[growing_older]

I have some friends like that. A school teacher and a part time handyman. They live in a bigger house in a nicer neighborhood despite very modest income, but one or both has old money parents. They could buy anywhere and do (or not do) anything for work, but they mostly try to live non-extravagant lifestyles and do lots of great things with their kids - coaching teams, hosting parties, volunteering in schools. They fit in well with the rest of us working stiffs and seem to really enjoy their lives.

They have some other old money friends who sometimes tag along, cannot seem to have conversations without referring to their own wealth or imminent plans to purchase expensive cars or other luxury goods and generally seem like sad unhappy people who have no idea why their constant money stories don't get a warmer reception. It's not just wealth that's awkward, it's the circumstances of how, or whether, it comes up.

 

[jjquantz]

I think it would be fine for you to offer him the work, since that is his line anyway. I recently had my neighbor, an out of work construction worker and handyman do a construction job for me. It worked out great for both of us. I got really good quality workmanship at a fair price, he got to stay busy and earn some money, other people in the neighborhood saw his work and is leading to more work for him. In addition we got to know each other better as I worked with him a bit (under his direction). Can be a win win situation for both of you.

That is fine if the neighbor really provides high quality workmanship. The danger here is that you find out the real reason he's out of work, i.e. he's unreliable or his work is of low quality. I've seen this happen with some members of my extended family. Not saying that's the case, but THAT could be real awkward. I would be sure to try to find some assurance that he can and will deliver before offering work.

 

[FUEGO]

Uh oh, that's a dangerous idea--what if she really really likes it? Don't let her test drive any luxury cars or the Fuego budget could be wiped out

She can probably sample caviar on your upcoming cruise.

The occasional tin of TJ's caviar is way cheaper than the long term capital, operation and maintenance cost of a luxury car!

And it's probably a lot cheaper than going out for sushi. (edit to add: the caviar I mean. Obviously not the luxury car).