Bragging and Proud ... such a fine line

[Nords]

Now I feel better about spending $21K on a used car! Prior to that our biggest car purchase was $8100, and more than doubling that record has made me wonder if I've lost my mind.

I live in a rural area and am probably considered to be a "have" (vs a "have not"). I avoid discussing financial matters with my local friends. If I am asked about money, I simply say "I can pay my bills" and leave it at that.

Perhaps your friends are probing whether or not you're inclined to sell them any of whatever crop you're growing to pay your bills...

 

[easysurfer]

...

At what point do you really cross the fine line of bragging and proud. To me bragging comes with a number behind it. For example I just got a new car and paid $35k for it.

Your thought

enuff

If someone came up to me and said "I just got a new car and paid $35K for it."

Maybe it's just me, but I would say, "That's nice" and think to myself ("Why would someone pay so much for a car?")

 

[antmary]

When I feel secure, I do not share any "good" news about myself. The exception is my siblings, because we go back a few years. We share our retirement plans, etc.

I drive a '98 Honda Civic, and we will be moving into a small house that we built ourselves. Paid for. I know of quite a few people - the McMansion crowd - that are now living with relatives. I feel uncomfortable talking about my accomplishments - especially to one who is having a hard time of it.

I like to keep a low profile, and maybe brag about the garden tomatoes, etc.

 

[NW-Bound]

I like to keep a low profile, and maybe brag about the garden tomatoes, etc.

I'd like you to brag some more by posting some photos of the tomatoes. I need some motivation here.

 

[antmary]

I'd like you to brag some more by posting some photos of the tomatoes. I need some motivation here.

Well, call me a braggart - but right now the tomatoes are babies, just planted a few days ago. But, how 'bout some lemon balm!

 

[NW-Bound]

Now, you make me envious, braggart lady!

I live in the arid Southwest, where it is hard to grow anything.

 

[ziggy29]

At what point do you really cross the fine line of bragging and proud. To me bragging comes with a number behind it. For example I just got a new car and paid $35k for it.

To me it depends on whether or not the number is relevant to the discussion. If someone asked what you paid for it, for example, that's different than just going out and volunteering information that says "look at me, I can afford to buy a $35,000 car."

Frankly, though, people with the [-]tightwad[/-] [-]cheapskate[/-] LBYM gene would be anything *but* impressed with that kind of spending, most likely. They'd a lot more impressed at someone who bought a 2-year-old car for $12,000 and drove it for another15 years.

 

[Westernskies]

We have a standard reply (inside joke) in the family whenever someone crosses the line from being proud to bragging...--- reply VERY enthusiastically:

Good for you!

which reallly means:

Go f yourself...

 

[antmary]

Now, you make me envious, braggart lady!

I live in the arid Southwest, where it is hard to grow anything.

Maybe not tomatoes, but you can grow lots of medicinal herbs - like the sages, lavenders, artemesias, sunflowers - and the squashes love hot weather, if they have water! Come to think of it, you may be able to grow tomatoes.

Besides, think of all those sunny winter days you get to enjoy while we are freezing in the hills, and slogging through mud roads!

 

[Westernskies]

Maybe not tomatoes, but you can grow lots of medicinal herbs - like the sages, lavenders, artemesias, sunflowers - and the squashes love hot weather, if they have water! Come to think of it, you may be able to grow tomatoes.

Besides, think of all those sunny winter days you get to enjoy while we are freezing in the hills, and slogging through mud roads!

NW Bound, Rosemary grows well here in AZ- I have a couple planted in my courtyard; nice to be able to just pick it fresh when we roast poulty.

 

[friar1610]

I had 4 years at Corp HQ 2004 -2008 and that is where I heard most bragging, talking about the latest hi tech golf clubs, golf club memberships, new expensive cars etc.

I just never contributed to the conversations but in 2007 I was talking one on one with a colleague that I got on really well with, who the previous week had told me about the new Mercedes convertible he'd just bought. Our Megacorp had just been bought by another Megacorp subject to the usual approvals from the authorities and I was saying that I just wanted the deal closure to drag out long enough for it to be too late to change the pension scheme before I retired. He knew I was in my early 50's and he said "Really, how can you afford to retire so young?". Only then did I point out that I didn't have a merc or huge house or belong to an outrageously expensive country club.

Each to his own, he loved his lifestyle and was prepared to keep on working as long as he could, and seemed to enjoy the bragging sessions.

It was a real eye opener for me when I (in my mid-late 50's) was working for a mega-software corp. For me working there was a second "career" and a bridge to real retirement after a 28 year military career. There were an awful lot of younger folks (mid-30's through early 50's) who were making very good money in a very competitive and dynamic environment. (This was in the DC area.) But I couldn't believe how hung up they all were on their cars, hand-held gadgets and other things that didn't seem all that important to me. My immediate boss, who was probably in his mid 40's got a promotion and all of a sudden his Lexus ES-300 wasn't good enough for him. He got a Mercedes because that was apparently what a guy at his level was "supposed" to drive. (I bought his Lexus off the lease early, got an excellent price and it only had 13K miles. I almost didn't buy it because I thought a Lexus was a bit over the top for me.) It was a '97 which I bought in Jan '99. I just passed 170K miles on it and hope to drive it to 200K.)

But back to the original thought, I was watching all of this while I was socking money away in the 401K, the employee stock purchase plan and after-tax mutual funds as drove (until I bought the Lexus) my 1987 Volvo 240 wagon with 165K miles on it to work and parking it next to the BMW's, Mercedes, Infinitis and other upscale cars in the parking garage.

 

[FUEGO]

I get bored pretty quickly and easily if the conversation revolves around specifications and prices of everyone's luxury vehicle, number of square feet and level of extravagance in their latest housing purchase, or how expensive (but how awesome!!) their last week long all-inclusive resort vacation was (and how many free beers they chugged down at the bar). I can usually manage to either steer the conversation away from this idle banter or I can usually manage to walk away or find something interesting to stare at with my back towards them. That makes me an ******* I guess.

When I think about memorable conversations and having a good time with family, friends or colleagues, discussing how awesome (and expensive!) their latest transport device acquisition was doesn't rank very highly. I would be the guy to say "wait you just paid $20,000 more for that model of car versus the non-luxury version, and all it has is a couple extra gadgets that will be technologically obsolete in 3 years, a 20% larger engine, it can accelerate 12% faster, yet gets 15% worse gas mileage?"

Reflecting on memorable conversations I have had with family, friends or colleagues, it is usually something significant we are discussing. Their goals, dreams, aspirations, plans for the future, something unique they did or are trying to do, or some interesting topic like history, art, science, technology, religion, philosophy, or politics. I recall a cocktail party where I met a friend of a friend. This guy and his wife were both high school teachers, oddly enough at the school a few blocks from where I grew up and where my parents still live. The guy was a history teacher. We had some polite conversations about the host's wine selection, then the classic "so what do you do?" line came out of one of our mouths. We ended up talking for another 30 minutes or so about some fine point of history I had been reading about recently. It was one of those curiously rewarding conversations with a relative stranger that was very satisfying at the "Great Mind" level. If we had discussed his make and model of car and how awesome his new granite countertops were, it would have been a 3 minute conversation quickly terminated by a "well it was nice to meet you"!

To bring this back around to the OP's question, I think it is ok to talk about your new stuff that you are proud of. You know your friends and they know you. They are probably just looking to get affirmation that they are successful. Congratulate them on how nice their new shiny thing looks and then move on to other topics. If talking about your new bling is all the relationship is built on, then it seems like a fairly shallow relationship.

 

[Khan]

Some former cow-irkers made fun of me for bringing my lunch, for driving a 1989 cheapmobile...

Fine, I retired at 54.

 

[brewer12345]

Most of my friends and coworkers are not well off or particularly high income, so I don't hear much of this. But back when I was in a high rent district working at a hedge fund, there was plenty of conspicuous consumption. Just ignore it and get on with life.

 

[Gone4Good]

I've always been overly cautious not to brag, or to be seen as bragging. When I was employed I never really talked about my job or what I did to people who didn't already know. I always played it down, because even the job description denoted high pay. When asked what I did, I couldn't answer without the other person knowing that I made a lot of money . . . so even answering the simple question "What do you do?" seemed like bragging.

Now that I'm no longer employed, I have a different "problem". I have a hard time saying "I'm retired" without sounding like a braggart. I know I shouldn't care, and I'm actually surprised that I do, but I haven't yet gotten comfortable with the idea of telling people I'm retired.

 

[jacob]

Now that I'm no longer employed, I have a different "problem". I have a hard time saying "I'm retired" without sounding like a braggart. I know I shouldn't care, and I'm actually surprised that I do, but I haven't yet gotten comfortable with the idea of telling people I'm retired.

I have/had a similar problem. I try to avoid the R-word (because of my age) and any mentioning of FI (because regular people don't seem to relate/understand the idea of living of investment money).

Instead I use my primary (retirement) activity (writing) and say I'm a writer. If they ask how I can possibly make a living doing that I say something about saving a lot of money while I was working. That way they think I'm just using up my savings which is relatable and that I am still "gainfully (self)employed" which is also relatable.

 

[scrabbler1]

I have no problem telling people I am retired. Why should a little thing like my age (47) get in the way?

 

[Amethyst]

This thread brought various thoughts to mind.

1. I have always found odd what other people consider OK and not OK to brag about. If you consider yourself good-looking or smart, you are not supposed to say so, for that is "bragging." Yet it is OK to brag about your child's looks, brains, etc. I go along with these rules, yet to me they makes no sense. Bragging about your child is bragging about your DNA and ability to raise great kids. Why isn't it just as acceptable to brag about your own attributes?

2. No matter how much money people at work have, they always say things like "We're broke because of Junior's college," or "Sure would be nice to be able to afford XYZ ." They brag about having found bargains or negotiated great deals, but the only things anyone ever brags about spending huge amounts of money on are a) Daughter's wedding. b) Kitchen remodel. c) Family trip to Disney World. No one would ever admit having spent a lot of money on a car or house, even though plenty of my coworkers have done so. It is, however, acceptable to complain that you are "broke" because "you had to pay so much for a lousy house."

I don't understand why anyone would brag about being "broke." To me, that is something to conceal! Sometimes, I feel like I'm lost on a planet whose rules I'll never really understand.

Amethyst

 

[antmary]

I have/had a similar problem. I try to avoid the R-word (because of my age) and any mentioning of FI (because regular people don't seem to relate/understand the idea of living of investment money).

Instead I use my primary (retirement) activity (writing) and say I'm a writer. If they ask how I can possibly make a living doing that I say something about saving a lot of money while I was working. That way they think I'm just using up my savings which is relatable and that I am still "gainfully (self)employed" which is also relatable.

To tell the truth, I feel sometimes awkward with the bank tellers. We live in a close community, and it is harder to be anonymous financially. I don't like to be treated in a "special" way - I'm really just a regular person.

 

[bbbamI]

I don't understand why anyone would brag about being "broke." To me, that is something to conceal! Sometimes, I feel like I'm lost on a planet whose rules I'll never really understand.

Amethyst

This brings to mind people talking about their ailments. For instance...

"This is the scar I have from my last operation."


"You call THAT a scar, here (while unbuttoning shirt) ...look at mine!"

 

[Gumby]

I get bored pretty quickly and easily if the conversation revolves around specifications and prices of everyone's luxury vehicle, number of square feet and level of extravagance in their latest housing purchase, or how expensive (but how awesome!!) their last week long all-inclusive resort vacation was (and how many free beers they chugged down at the bar).

It seems to me that there are plenty of people "who know the price of everything and the value of nothing."

Edited: to properly credit Oscar Wilde in Lady Windemere's Fan (where he was giving the definition of a cynic)

 

[travelover]

.......................

I don't understand why anyone would brag about being "broke." To me, that is something to conceal! Sometimes, I feel like I'm lost on a planet whose rules I'll never really understand.

Amethyst

When I was a kid my grandfather who had a quick wit, used to say to such people, Are you bragging or complaining?

 

[glippy]

I use to get ragged on a lot at work about my car (I've since sold it ;-). The guys would joke with me, "When you gonna get a real car" And I'd say, "When I can afford it!"

But I knew, and I think they did too, that I could have paid cash for any one of their bank-financed cars if I wanted to. The guys at work knew I was just frugal, because they had a clue about how much money I made and how I lived. But the average schmo who saw me driving down the street probably just figured I was poor. But I don't mind that, in fact, I think I prefer it. I'd rather people think I was a hip, starving artist than a stuffy fat cat.

 

[Amethyst]

Driving a (functional) beater has another advantage you don't hear much about. About 20 years ago, a man followed a local couple home from a restaurant and shot them dead in their bed, then robbed their house. Detectives learned that he picked them out to rob because of their fine car.

Amethyst

I use to get ragged on a lot at work about my car (I've since sold it ;-). The guys would joke with me, "When you gonna get a real car" And I'd say, "When I can afford it!"

But I knew, and I think they did too, that I could have paid cash for any one of their bank-financed cars if I wanted to. The guys at work knew I was just frugal, because they had a clue about how much money I made and how I lived. But the average schmo who saw me driving down the street probably just figured I was poor. But I don't mind that, in fact, I think I prefer it. I'd rather people think I was a hip, starving artist than a stuffy fat cat.

 

[Gone4Good]

I have/had a similar problem. I try to avoid the R-word (because of my age) and any mentioning of FI (because regular people don't seem to relate/understand the idea of living of investment money).

Instead I use my primary (retirement) activity (writing) and say I'm a writer. If they ask how I can possibly make a living doing that I say something about saving a lot of money while I was working. That way they think I'm just using up my savings which is relatable and that I am still "gainfully (self)employed" which is also relatable.

In a couple of short weeks I've opened a new credit card (for better rewards), opened a new checking account, and got an Aircard for internet access while on the road. All of them needed / wanted to know my employment status. The guy at the Verizon store was actually kind of funny. He asks "Are you currently working?" instead of "Where do you work?". I guess it's a sign of the times when you can't assume somebody has a job.

My wife does some freelance writing too, so I may adopt that as an excuse. "We're writers" is a much easier conversation. And I think that is part of it. I simply don't want to have a conversation about my financial status with somebody I just met. "I'm retired" at 39 begs for all kinds of questions I'd rather not get into with perfect strangers. I'm wondering if its better to lie, and then have to have an entire conversation based on that lie.