Budget mushroom cloud

[LeatherneckPA]

Suffering INTENSE trepidation right now

I finally got my wife to make an appointment for tonight. We are going to go over every bill and debt we have to determine an effective budget that will allow us to pay off everything, including the mortgage, before her pension date of 9/8/16. The plan is to also still have money to play in the meantime. I mean, what's the sense in retiring if I can't play?

The only dealings I have EVER had with our money was earning it, and maxing out my TSP contributions. Other than that it's been a total hands-off for me. But the sudden death of a friend's wife left him absolutely lost. I don't want that to happen to either of us.

Tonight's discussion will also include what she has to do with the Feds if I should happen to croak; life insurance, line of duty death, retaining medical benefits, that sort of thing. Suffice to say, she'd be set for life.

 

[audreyh1]

Hey - good for you!

I'm sure if your wife understands your motivation and what prompted you to call this "meeting", it will really help her deal with the rest.

You probably won't get everything figured out tonight, but making a solid start and making it a team effort will be terrific.

Audrey

 

[LeatherneckPA]

audrey, the last time I tried to become more involved in the money thing she got hyper-defensive and accused me of not trusting her to handle it. I'm hoping things have changed in the last 15 years.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Just keep saying you know she's doing a great job, but you feel terrible that she's had to shoulder the burden this long without you showing enough interest. And keep saying she's doing a great job....

Sarah...who is doing a great job, shouldering the burden...without DH showing enough interest...

 

[Sandy]

in addition to repeating "yes, she is doing a great job" add that you are worried what will happen to you if something happens to her (like happened to your friend), you will be so grief-stricken that for peace of mind you need to have a better understanding of finances, so you don't have two crises at the same time

 

[audreyh1]

audrey, the last time I tried to become more involved in the money thing she got hyper-defensive and accused me of not trusting her to handle it. I'm hoping things have changed in the last 15 years.

It can be really hard when someone close to you becomes defensive. All you can do is emphasize your fears and concerns and ask how best those can be addressed. If you feel that you are not pulling your weight in this area, then flatly state that fact. If she says that you "shouldn't" feel any concerns or whatever - well, that's not a reasonable answer. The fact is that you DO feel that way, and you need to find a good way to address them together.

Financial matters in a marriage need to be a partnership, even if one of them is managed mostly by one of the parties. Even though I handle most of the things, I still give my husband the big picture overview of what is going on. It is entirely reasonable for you to be an enlightened partner in the big picture of your financial future and plans, even if you leave all of the details to her experienced management.

Maybe there is some tedious chore of it that you could start helping out with. I know that when I retired, I took over the bill paying. My husband had been doing that because he wasn't working fulltime in his business, so he handled almost all the household issues so that I didn't have to be stressed about it with my hectic job.

Audrey

 

[lets-retire]

My wife's short term memory is gone so, something I did was to write a word document on the computer and titled it something attention getting. I outlined all of accounts, insurances, etc. I told where the passwords were written down so she could find them. I explained exactly what should be done with what money. If she remembers to follow it she should be alright.

This might be an option if your wife becomes too defensive.

 

[bbbamI]

Whether she gets defensive or not, you have the right to be involved in your finances. By knowing not only the bottom line, but how you both are getting there.

As I stated in an earlier thread, I wish my DH participated in our financial matters more often. But I must say if he handled the bills and investments and did not want me to be involved, I'd worry...then get angry.

IMO it all boils down to respect and a common goal.

 

[calmloki]

audrey, the last time I tried to become more involved in the money thing she got hyper-defensive and accused me of not trusting her to handle it. I'm hoping things have changed in the last 15 years.

Hey Bop the cop - did you consider that your wife is/was concealing her $2000/month gambling/smack/shoe habit? I'm kidding!! Really though, a defensive atitude would indicate to me that she was insecure about how good a handle she had on everything financial - not that she wasn't or isn't doing a good job at it, but that she was concerned that you would disagree with the way it was being handled. I know I act defensive if i'm insecure about how I'm handling something.

 

[gindie]

If she remembers to follow it she should be alright.

Just a suggestion, but maybe you could tape a note to the edge/side of your computer monitor with the file name of your Word document.

 

[LeatherneckPA]

Hey Bop the cop - did you consider that your wife is/was concealing her $2000/month gambling/smack/shoe habit? I'm kidding!! Really though, a defensive atitude would indicate to me that she was insecure about how good a handle she had on everything financial -

LOL, for years my mother used to claim that was why we were always strapped for cash. Only in Mom's fanatasy it was a secret bank account DW was building for when she ran away. Finally one day I got sick of it and pulled out ALL the CC statements and showed her the hole I had dug.

DW is VERY challenged when it comes to her self-esteem. I won't say there is none, but it is strongly tied to her success at the bank. At times I worry that she will be able to cope with retirement.

Anyway, we did not have the talk last night because I postponed it until tonight. I wanted to finish my "visual aid". We've been trying to draw paper plans of the house we want to builid for retirement. But Cindy has no spatial perception at all. She literally can not go from a 2D drawing to a 3D mental image. So I stole borrowed a page from the architects I've seen on TV and built a cardboard mock-up of the plans we have drawn and semi-approved. In 3D she absolutely fell in love with the plan.

The idea is that if either of us gets agitated or defensive or starts to shout during the talk the other one shifts our focus to the final goal, our house. I'm hoping that will keep us on track. Usually, when we discuss money I'm the one that gets agitated. And I have a vested interest in this house. But that's for a Hobbies thread.

 

[donheff]

My wife's short term memory is gone so, something I did was to write a word document on the computer and titled it something attention getting. I outlined all of accounts, insurances, etc. I told where the passwords were written down so she could find them. I explained exactly what should be done with what money. If she remembers to follow it she should be alright.

This might be an option if your wife becomes too defensive.

DW's memory is fine. She is a very successful attorney and years back handled all of our bills better than I do. But since online banking became possible she dumped it all on me - she reads all the bills and then assigns them to me to pay so she knows what we are spending. But she trusts me to handle getting them paid and to deal with all of the investment issues -- including her IRA and 401K allocations.

I am a little concerned about how she woukd get a handle on all of the accounts if I died suddenly - including her own . I have all of our login IDs and password in "Password Safe" a free encryption utility. I print out a list of accounts and balances every January, so she could eventually sort it all out. But I am thinking of printing out the Password Safe list and keeping it where she can find it, along with the account lists and a simplified description of our allocation and withdrawal schemes. I would also provide a URL for this board and instructions for introducing herself

 

[Empty Pockets]

I've got a big "If I die" envelope for my wife. It has phone numbers, names, passwords, and lots of other information on our wills, attorneys, life insurance....

It's in my strong box at home.

My attorney also knows where it is.

I update it when needed and review it with her before I go on any big hunting trip.

 

[TromboneAl]

Of course you've got to balance the ability of your SO to find the passwords with the security risk of having them in an obvious or unsecured location.

If you put the envelope with your password list or "password utility" password in a safe, make sure your SO knows the combination. Perhaps have him/her open the safe once a month.