Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
FIREside-- Bitter Criticism by friends / family & dealing with it?
Old 05-18-2009, 04:24 PM   #1
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 26
FIREside-- Bitter Criticism by friends / family & dealing with it?

Coming under nasty criticism from family (mother mainly, she's now a widow), and some close friends too. This is despite planning this now for 15 years. Has anyone else encountered this, and if so, can I ask how did you deal with it?

i'm talking about bitter criticism, the likes that really shakes your confidence in your own plans, as they seemingly-- 'will you to fail'. .so they can be proved right, perhaps?

EXAMPLES:-
You're lazy! ER / PT is really just an excuse for being lazy! Everybody else works, so why can't you. . you're lazy, that's why!

You're useless. . no good (loser) (because you don't have a McMansion, and a wife, and 4 kids, like everyone else in the family / golf club!).

Your plans are laughable! That's nowhere near enough money to FIRE! You're kidding yourself, you're not in the real world! (of course, net worth & swf & LBYM, aren't something they understand, they live in fear. . no amount of money, is enough to re on, for them!).
Thoughts appreciated. Thanks!
__________________

__________________
Plans are what makes God laugh!
trib1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 05-18-2009, 04:27 PM   #2
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,764
Do not put up with people treating you that way. Family or not.
__________________

__________________
Notmuchlonger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 04:36 PM   #3
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,904
As General O'Shei used to say "f**k em! - strong letter to follow!!
__________________
ejman is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 04:47 PM   #4
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Bikerdude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,901
The first two examples are just plain stupid. The last may or may not be true.

I did not encounter this type of criticism because I do not have anyone I need to please and I don't give a c*rp what anyone (family or not) thinks about my long term plans.
__________________
“I guess I should warn you, if I turn out to be particularly clear, you've probably misunderstood what I've said” Alan Greenspan
Bikerdude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 04:49 PM   #5
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 7,526
Take a small part out of each of your soon to be free days and think about how their comments impact you. Your conclusion will probably be "not very much".

I am currently and plan on continuing to be vague and deceptive about my plans. That is how I will deal with this type of response!

But to respond to their criticisms and get them to shut up and get off your back, you can b.s. them. Tell them you are just planning on taking some time off work. If your audience is academically inclined, get sophisticated and tell them you are taking a sabbatical. Tell them you are pursuing other interests, writing a book, trying to pick up a new language, whatever. It might help them fill in the missing blanks in their mind that only work can fill from their point of view. Ultimately you don't owe them any kind of explanation, but it may help smooth out the relationship and you can make it clear that you would rather discuss something else other than your inability to think for yourself.
__________________
FUEGO is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 04:56 PM   #6
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
bbbamI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas 'burb
Posts: 9,039
This works well for me.....
__________________
There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
bbbamI is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 05:03 PM   #7
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 8,615
I'm amused by your post because you appear to have no self-confidence. If your friends/family criticize you, why do you think you will get support here?

In other words, you are your own best friend.

I don't see why these comments bother you at all ... unless in your heart of hearts, you believe they might have some truth to them.

Anyways, I've never been bothered by what other people really think of me. I have my own life to live. Others (including you) can live your own lives as well.
__________________
LOL! is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 05:30 PM   #8
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 242
I don't tell anybody.
__________________
Sparky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 05:30 PM   #9
Moderator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Rocky Inlets
Posts: 24,412
I did – and still do, 10 years later. Friends and family. My thought - it is not me, it is them and the projections of their own frustrations and unhappiness with the choices they have made. The solution to this does not lie with me – they need to learn to come to terms with themselves or learn to make different choices.

Of course, that never stopped the most critical from taking advantage of my “free” time and capabilities – which I give freely.

1. I never say I am retired, only that I took time off and haven’t yet decided to go back to the job market.

2. This certainly helped distinguish the difference between friends and acquaintances. My friends were, and still are, happy for me and supportive of my choice.

I also agree with ejman and bbbanI
__________________
MichaelB is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 06:56 PM   #10
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,183
I get worried about what others think only when they pay my bills. I have made damn sure that has not happened and doubt it ever will. Another way to phrase it is f*** em if they can't take a joke.
__________________
crazy connie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 07:03 PM   #11
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 291
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazy connie View Post
I get worried about what others think only when they pay my billls.
What she said.
__________________
bubba is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 07:18 PM   #12
Administrator
W2R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 38,825
I agree with the prior posts, but one thing concerns me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by trib1 View Post
Your plans are laughable! That's nowhere near enough money to FIRE!
Do you think that maybe they are right? I have no idea whether you have a hunded thousand or a hundred million. But these are (hopefully) people who care about you on some level, so I am wondering why they think this. Do you want to run your finances and budget by us on this thread? No need to do so if you would rather not, but you know we are always glad to critique a plan if/when desired.
__________________
Already we are boldly launched upon the deep; but soon we shall be lost in its unshored, harbourless immensities.

- - H. Melville, 1851
W2R is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 07:50 PM   #13
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 944
My close friends know that I am retired and are supportive. They will throw a joke my way when we are together but it is all in fun. I down play the term retired with people that ask and just say that I am taking some time off. With the current economy, this goes through with no problem. Frankly, I downplay my retirement even with friends. I went camping with several friends that are still working and retirement came up fireside. They asked how it was and I said "have you seen the market?! I am between jobs!" Nobody likes a bragger - you just have to live your own life and find your own happiness. There are always going to be "haters" that somehow think you don't deserve your current situation....cut em loose. I have stopped contact with a few people because of the negitive feelings they had about my FIRE.

Make sure your math is solid concerning finances....and smile knowingly when they protest.
__________________
Freed at 49. You only live once - live it
Donzo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 08:32 PM   #14
Full time employment: Posting here.
Cattusbabe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 814
Quote:
Originally Posted by trib1 View Post
Coming under nasty criticism from family (mother mainly, she's now a widow), and some close friends too. This is despite planning this now for 15 years. Has anyone else encountered this, and if so, can I ask how did you deal with it?

i'm talking about bitter criticism, the likes that really shakes your confidence in your own plans, as they seemingly-- 'will you to fail'. .so they can be proved right, perhaps?

EXAMPLES:-
You're lazy! ER / PT is really just an excuse for being lazy! You have it all wrong Mom. Its an opportunity to prefect the fine art of Leisure. Got no shame in my game.

Everybody else works, so why can't you.
Because my program is tight and I've got it that way.


. you're lazy, that's why!
Now Girlfriend. Remember the golden rule. Don't hate.

You're useless. . no good (loser) (because you don't have a McMansion, and a wife, and 4 kids, like everyone else in the family / golf club!).

I've got something better. Full control of my time and if you all keep this foolish up I won't be spending much of it with you so come correct.

Your plans are laughable! That's nowhere near enough money to FIRE! You're kidding yourself, you're not in the real world!
OH so since when are you in my wallet? Tell you what watch your ends and I'll watch mine dig?

(of course, net worth & swf & LBYM, aren't something they understand, they live in fear. . no amount of money, is enough to re on, for them!).
Thoughts appreciated. Thanks!

I added some examples of responses to your toxic friends and family comments on your ER plans. "Bite me" works in a pinch when you can't find anything else to say.

For someone who had their act together enough to FIRE I am surprised that this is an issue. You know those closest to you can push your buttons. While you can't do much about your family ditch your so called friends and get new ones.....you have the time. Tune out the drama, go about your business and live well.
__________________
A todos los amantes del mundo. No importa el color de su piel, la pasion es universal.
_______________

La tavola e il letto non hanno restrizioni.
_____________
Any day your on this side of the grass is a good day.
Cattusbabe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 08:47 PM   #15
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,616
Quote:
Originally Posted by trib1 View Post
Has anyone else encountered this, and if so, can I ask how did you deal with it?
Sounds like you need a new set of family.

Unless/until that happens, though, you wish them well and tell them you're going to try it for a while... and you'll let them know how it works out. Maybe you'll go back to work someday, but for now you need some time off to regroup and rethink your life.

Worked for me for over seven years so far. My FIL still can't shake his nagging suspicion that I'm going to render his daughter homeless & penniless after 22+ years of marriage.

If kids are in your plan, then Mom will come around if she ever wants to hang out with her grandkids. I don't get it (yet) but grandkids apparently have superpowers to turn our meanest parents into charming doting grandparents.
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 08:57 PM   #16
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Coach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 1,127
Trib1, that's bizarre! I'm not getting anything but congrats from my family. Just for a little context, and if you don't mind saying -- how old are you, married/single, kids?

Coach
__________________
Coach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 09:06 PM   #17
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 26
Thanks for the comments.
I agree their criticisms are appallingly closed-minded! Some of it is their conditioning, i.e their parents worked till 60, so they must also. My begrudging culture I'm afraid : Everybody else works. . .why makes you so special etc!

TO FUEGO & MichaelB :-
Its come to a head because I'm now doing it. So its harder to hide any longer. I did stall them for as long as possible with vagueness, and misdirection. But selling property and not working for a considerable time, tends not to go unnoticed here. Its a shame some people behave in such a way: because they didn't get much freedom themselves (so you don't deserve to). The 'you should be as miserable as them' scenario! But I grafted, practised lbym, whereas they didn't!

Saw a BBC documentary once that argued that it was protestants that crafted the notion: that to be a 'worthy' member of society, one had subject themselves to lifelong graft! Before that, the world was largely more laid back (Jamican) in its work ethic, (work to live, versus the live to work).
__________________
Plans are what makes God laugh!
trib1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 09:12 PM   #18
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 26
TO LOL:
I'm not looking for support per se, not doing a 'poor me'. Just curious what others have done in similar situations, i.e. faced with hostility / negativity towards their ER plans. If none, then kudos to you!


So why do I care? :-
1. Pride. 2. A need for respect by ones family & peers, (it would be nice to have their well wishes, as I didn't expect this backlash). After all my future frugal life, isn't for them anyway, (and its not like I won the lottery!).
3. In my country and culture, family elders dominate, sometimes to the point of toxicity. A strong sense of duty is instilled in you, so people can sometimes make you feel ashamed (i.e. you've let them down).
4. Nobody and no ER plan is bullet proof in this uncertain world.
__________________
Plans are what makes God laugh!
trib1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 09:16 PM   #19
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 26
To Want2Retire :-
Nest egg.
Sold home #2, now selling home #1. Expect to have (conservatively): Half million (in cash) split evenly in USD and EUROS. No debt! No IRA's, no 401K's, no equities, no bonds, no pensions at this time. Had desired $1M net worth, but alas that wasn't to be. Other factors: Single, Age early 40's. On a side note, it is possible, even likely, that in time, I will inherit the same or similar amount, to that above.
__________________
Plans are what makes God laugh!
trib1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2009, 09:17 PM   #20
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 42,072
Trib,

Sorry for your tribulations

I noticed this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by trib1 View Post
3. In my country and culture, family elders dominate, sometimes to the point of toxicity. A strong sense of duty is instilled in you, so people can sometimes make you feel ashamed (i.e. you've let them down).
...plus your use of the term "graft" (British slang for work or labor) in a prior post. This indicates you aren't from Illinois as your profile states, at least not originally.

Where do you live?
__________________

__________________
Numbers is hard

When I hit 70, it hit back

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension
REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Childhood friends & how their life went? Orchidflower Other topics 51 01-18-2009 04:19 AM
Post-election bitter medicine? pedorrero FIRE and Money 7 10-03-2008 10:40 AM
Telling family and friends: 1 day to go! walkinwood FIRE and Money 16 05-01-2008 03:09 PM
Financial Advice for Friends and Family - How to handle it? chinaco FIRE and Money 22 03-19-2007 02:06 PM
Does anyone feel jealousy from friends/family/others? FatBoy71 FIRE and Money 92 02-25-2007 10:54 AM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:08 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.