Getting your kid(s) off the parental payroll

[Lsbcal]

Nords, I've enjoyed reading your DD interactions. It's a difficult task knowing when to back off. I try to remind myself that DS can make many mistakes as long as it doesn't cost me too many dimes. So I'm constantly reminding him we're on a fixed income but don't talk about the full spending level. It's a great excuse to say no.

Most likely your daughter is going to do some things that you would not approve of. And it's nice as parents not to be burdened with that knowledge. Didn't most of us do that with our parents? But it turned out alright in the end and we're all fine upstanding citizens now -- well most of us.

 

[ls99]

I read all of this college tribulation/finance havoc with absolute fascination. Had no idea so much went into parenting college kids.

My experience was all self funded, self motivated, self taught and self solved all the self inflicted screwups.

Nords' kid is lucky to have so much guidance, direction and backup. Guess in a way am jealous, could have used some help along the way. Maybe she'll understand the value of the parental input in her latter years.

Kids with educated and experienced parents have truly unique and vast advantages over those who have to make and find their own way.

 

[Texas Proud]

Nords... I can see some of what you say in my future... we will see how bad it can get...


But, I just want to share a bit from one of my sisters kids... now, my sister is not extravegant as some... but not nearly as frugal as others... (one of my sisters does go to the outlet stores and picks up bargains.. this one does not)... she does go to the cheeper stores etc. and looks for the bargains... now, her daughter seems to only want NAME BRAND items from NAME BRAND stores... they bought a Hummer... they used to trade cars every three or four years... my sis does not know where her daughter got this from... (funny on this... my sis has bought things from a non name brand store and removed all labels and given it to her daughter in a name brand bag.... seems to get by the smell test)...


Her son is another one that we would shake our heads... one time 'grandma' gave him money for gas... back when $100 went a LONG way... he went to his car... saw he had a full tank and went out and bought CDs... a couple of weeks later he was asking people for gas money... people asked... 'what happend to the money gran gave?'... we got the response 'I had gas then'.... priceless...


So, no matter how good you teach.. people have thier own attitudes about money and it will show up in their adulthood... we can not do anything about it....

 

[Khan]

Speaking from a "get off my lawn" and "uphill both ways" childhood:
I have always offered gas money to people before they asked (seems your daughter has a lot of grasping 'friends').
Never had kids so advice might be way off page: Can she have the gonads to ask for contributions?
I shopped at thrift stores and walked while college.

Good luck: Reminds me why I never reproduced.

 

[aida2003]

Nords, the more I read, the more I see myself in you . Of course, I don't compare myself to you as an investor and other experience, but with regards to your frustrations about your DD's money spending, we're the same. It's kind of scary if your story reflects my future. I also feel sorry for your DD because she's so generous as you say. Can't she drop a line "Guys, what about chipping in for this ZipCar? It's not that cheap, you know" or something. Or if next time someone asks her whether she has plans to get a ZipCar, her reply to that could be "if we could pull $$ together....". Darn, it's maddening to me just to read this. OTOH, I sort of understand your DD and her trying to fit in because she'll have to spend not months, but a few years with those 'friends'....

Also, now I'm curious how didn't you teach your DD to manage $$ when she was a child. Did you give her an allowance or did she have to earn by doing chores or a combination of the two? Did she have a SAVE and a SPEND 'banks'?

I understand how hard it is for you because you already know and have experienced all of her behaviour in your past. Maybe this is the "controlling you" (definitely be me) feeling that anger because everything 'out there' is crystal clear to you, but it's new for your DD and she'll have to learn her way like other posters stated.

Oh boy, not looking forward to "Nord's kind" of future, though you know what you, as a parent, have to be thankful that your DD is a responsible person in other respects like no smoking, alocohol or substance abuse. Money mismanagement skills would fade against such issues. I'm just about to introduce a piggybank to my DD, but she'll also get exposure to peer pressure since she'll be starting K next year.

 

[Texas Proud]

Speaking from a "get off my lawn" and "uphill both ways" childhood:
I have always offered gas money to people before they asked (seems your daughter has a lot of grasping 'friends').
Never had kids so advice might be way off page: Can she have the gonads to ask for contributions?
I shopped at thrift stores and walked while college.

Good luck: Reminds me why I never reproduced.

What she needs is what one guy had when we were in high school... when very very few people had cars.... he had a can that he passed around to get the 'offerings'.... he would then count it in front of people and if not enough was in there he would pass it around again... since we knew what was in store we were ready, so no surprise after the first ride...

 

[Nords]

Thanks, everyone, I write these posts to straighten out my thinking and to check that I'm not missing something. Maybe I'll re-read this thread in a year or two and marvel at how much has improved.

Is she still planning to bring a gaggle ("parliament") of Owls to your place for spring break and surf lessons?

After this?!? No, seriously, I think she's blissfully unaware of most of this discussion, and that's pretty much how spouse and I are going to leave it until she brings it up.

The fellow Owls are all pretty enthused, but the round-trip airfare is making them hesitate and several have already backed out. There are also rumors of her NROTC unit spending some time in Mardi Gras during break, and other thoughts that she'd rather stay at Rice to catch up on school work after overloading to 22 credit hours, or earn a little more cash for herself from temp jobs in the Admissions office or with a servery. The plan will change a half-dozen times before spring break, and we've learned to just sit back and see what happens... she might get persuaded to spend spring break surfing in Galveston, assuming she can figure out a way to pay for it!

 

[REWahoo]

...we've learned to just sit back and see what happens...

I think that is an excellent strategy when it comes to almost all her "de-nesting" activities, including the financial ones. Yeah, I know - easier said than done. But having seen two similar movies a few years ago I'll go ahead and spoil the ending and tell you everything works out just fine.

 

[Lsbcal]

...(snip)...
So, no matter how good you teach.. people have thier own attitudes about money and it will show up in their adulthood... we can not do anything about it....

I agree that we're all going to have somewhat different attitudes and approaches towards money management. If we discuss our approach with our children and model good behavior with our actions that's all we can do. At least we won't be looking back with regret at not having tried to teach what we know. I remind DW that if DS doesn't hear it from us, where are all the good habits going to come from?

 

[Moemg]

Nords , Be easy on yourself . Your daughter is eighteen not thirty . They all go through those college days freedom things . Luckily I did not have zip car to add to it but my kids spent plenty . I slowed down spending by the old Irish guilt method and threats . If you party your first year your following years will be on you . If you overspend your first year then you had better graduate in three . It worked . They graduated still blissfully naive but graduates . Finally around thirty ( yes , I said thirty ) they figured out the financial rules and they were smart kids one graduated from MIT and the other from Boston U . Of course Mom handing out money did not help . So relax a little . She will figure it out maybe Sophomore year ?

 

[bright eyed]

Nords, your daughter is truly fortunate to have you and your wife give her such a thoughtful upbringing - and much of it by example!

The 18's and 19's and upward are really tough years for parents. They "should" be old enough to do certain things, yet sometimes they act like 12 year olds. It's funny to see some of the reality show kids this age - they all do so many of the same things in terms of behavior it's scary.

The best thing I've found is to do a few things:

1) share the guideposts and potholes like you say
2) sit back and let them make the decisions
3) make them suffer the consequences

Which it seems like you are doing so well. It's prob just the disappointment of your own expectations - but you seem to be acknowledging and mourning the loss just fine!

She will be so much better off for having you and your spouse as parents. Just let her realize it now on her own!

BTW, the budget of her stipend plus your $90/month is not a lot by any means - if she is getting by on that - she is already a frugal genius!

You might want to focus on her great accomplishments this first semester - moving far far away from home to a totally different environment, transitioning to college, making new friends...many kids don't get thru that part well.

and make sure you acknowledge them to her before she goes back - I'm sure she's felt your disappointment (verbalized or not) and I'm sure your opinion of her means the world to her whether she lets you know that or not!

While I'm a big fan of genuine feedback in real time - I've learned that positive reinforcement of the "strengths" and other things goes really really far too...

 

[nwsteve]

Nords, your daughter is truly fortunate to have you and your wife give her such a thoughtful upbringing - and much of it by example!

The 18's and 19's and upward are really tough years for parents. They "should" be old enough to do certain things, yet sometimes they act like 12 year olds. It's funny to see some of the reality show kids this age - they all do so many of the same things in terms of behavior it's scary.

The best thing I've found is to do a few things:

1) share the guideposts and potholes like you say
2) sit back and let them make the decisions
3) make them suffer the consequences

Which it seems like you are doing so well. It's prob just the disappointment of your own expectations - but you seem to be acknowledging and mourning the loss just fine!

She will be so much better off for having you and your spouse as parents. Just let her realize it now on her own!

BTW, the budget of her stipend plus your $90/month is not a lot by any means - if she is getting by on that - she is already a frugal genius!

You might want to focus on her great accomplishments this first semester - moving far far away from home to a totally different environment, transitioning to college, making new friends...many kids don't get thru that part well.

and make sure you acknowledge them to her before she goes back - I'm sure she's felt your disappointment (verbalized or not) and I'm sure your opinion of her means the world to her whether she lets you know that or not!

While I'm a big fan of genuine feedback in real time - I've learned that positive reinforcement of the "strengths" and other things goes really really far too...

+1 especially last paragraph!
Nwsteve