How hard is it to make friends after er and a move.

[longranger]

As DW and myself ponder when to retire we(more me) worry about making new friends to share our free time with, particularly if we move from our longtime home in socal to a lower cost area. As much as work causes me way too much stress I am surrounded by people I have known and mostly liked for 25 years. I assume, with the exception of my closest friends, most of that will go away when I retire even if we stay in socal. Any words of wisdom as to what we should expect socially when we move into this next phase of our lives?

 

[Ally]

I am a little in the same situation, because I am soon retiring and have work friends of 25+ years. However, I'm not sure how much I will see them after I retire, because I don't want to hear all the stories of how stressful it all is at work. That's what I'm trying to leave. I think we will find some new friends when we have the time to visit, get to know neighbors, travel and join some groups that we have wanted to join for some time. We aren't moving, but just having the time to talk to people socially will make a difference.

 

[Big_Hitter]

get a golf or social membership at a country club - worked great when we relocated here 4 years ago

 

[Meadbh]

I moved around the time of ER and I worried about that too. However, I was fortunate to hear about a social group for people new to the area. Within the umbrella of the group there are many activities, including sports, cultural activities, site visits and informal get togethers. As a result I now have more friends than I know what to do with, and many of them are ER. Had I not moved, I never would have had this opportunity and would be relying predominantly on existing friends, many of whom I met at work.

In my opinion having a well run welcoming group of this sort in the community is a major asset when considering a retirement location.

 

[Tadpole]

All my work life most of the people I knew were either close neighbors or people at work. None were really "social" friends. I always thought I was too busy to commit to "social" friends. Now I am retired and I have realized (and accepted) that I am just not the sort of person that people gravitate to "socially". I would rather the opposite were true but .... there you have it.

 

[LOL!]

Would you like to meet yourself and be your friend?

I meet people all the time. I end up going out to lunch or dinner with them and doing other activities as well. But I am not shy at all and will talk to anybody I meet even if they do not speak the local language.

Do you have a good-looking and well-behaved dog? Such a dog and a guitar will have people begging to be your friends.

 

[FUEGO]

I wouldn't plan on sticking around somewhere just to be near work friends. From my own experience and many of those who post here, it seems most work relationships dry up rather quickly. I keep in touch with one guy pretty regularly (once every few months plus online comms), but everyone else kind of moved on.

Our common bond was work, and chatting about kids, travel, making money, etc were something we mostly did to fill the time between the drudgery.

With the internet, it's easier than ever to find folks who you might share a common interest. Sports, leisure activities, outdoor recreation, music, the arts, crafts, tech user groups, etc.

 

[splitwdw]

As DW and myself ponder when to retire we(more me) worry about making new friends to share our free time with, particularly if we move from our longtime home in socal to a lower cost area. As much as work causes me way too much stress I am surrounded by people I have known and mostly liked for 25 years. I assume, with the exception of my closest friends, most of that will go away when I retire even if we stay in socal. Any words of wisdom as to what we should expect socially when we move into this next phase of our lives?

For the most part, people at work are "acquaintances" not friends. Doesn't matter how long you've "known" them. Friends are people that you do things with. They come to your house, you go out to lunch/dinner, you call them on the phone, you go with them to events. Friends know your kids names plus the dog and cat's name. When you retire (and move) join clubs, go to fun night time classes at the local college (night time because day time classes are full of 19 year olds). Not that there's anything wrong with 19 year olds. For the past few years I've developed a friendship with a couple of them and we do metal working together and meet up at a local coffee club where one of them plays in a group. My work hours aren't all that crazy where I can go to school at night, do volunteer work on the weekends and join clubs. So many people that work don't do anything but work.

 

[longranger]

Wow. So my concerns are pretty normal. Guess I shouldn't find it surprising. Probably most of us with careers that monopolize most of our time and energy have the same concern. Like most things in life thinking about this change is probably scarier than the experience will be once I pull the trigger.

LOL good news. I have THAT DOG. Bad news I have no musical talents. On the social curcuit side DW makes friends real easy. Me probably average to a little bit reserved but am very devoted to any real friends I make.

Unfortunately my golf skills are humorously bad. Suspect that would make me enemies more than friends, particularly with anyone that lived on a golf course.

 

[audreyh1]

We moved into a 55+ community 5 years ago, and there are a lot of new people making friends and a lot of activities. Then there is a larger birder/nature enthusiast/photographer community in the area as it is a primo area for that kind of thing. Lots of activities at all the state, federal and municipal nature parks that can be joined at a moments notice. Quite active Facebook groups for all the local nature happenings too.

There are a lot more people around here we could easily meet and make friends with if we weren't full up already.

Figure out what you like to do most, and go do it, or move to an area where you can do more of it if you need to, and you'll find plenty of peers into the same things.

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

I wouldn't plan on sticking around somewhere just to be near work friends. From my own experience and many of those who post here, it seems most work relationships dry up rather quickly. I keep in touch with one guy pretty regularly (once every few months plus online comms), but everyone else kind of moved on.

Our common bond was work, and chatting about kids, travel, making money, etc were something we mostly did to fill the time between the drudgery.

With the internet, it's easier than ever to find folks who you might share a common interest. Sports, leisure activities, outdoor recreation, music, the arts, crafts, tech user groups, etc.

Agreed. What you may find is that your w*rk "friends" may develop some resentment to your ER status because the main thing you had in common - w*ork - is no longer a shared existence. Likewise, you will also resent many of your w*rk friends because they don't have the time or energy to do the things you want to do.

Just think about it this way. If you ER to a lower-cost area filled with retired folks, it is your shared retirement status that will bond you together, much like your former w*rk life.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

In my military years, I did lots of moving around and as a result I had many, many friends. For the most part, the closest ones from high school are still the best of friends today..all 3 of them. Also, I have LOTS of casual friends but I would count my "best of friends" to less than 10. On Facebook, I have less than 100...and most of those were good flying buddies from my AF days. I have found that no matter where you move, you will meet folks with common interests and things will click. I wouldn't sweat moving too much...

 

[razztazz]

All my work life most of the people I knew were either close neighbors or people at work. None were really "social" friends. I always thought I was too busy to commit to "social" friends. Now I am retired and I have realized (and accepted) that I am just not the sort of person that people gravitate to "socially". I would rather the opposite were true but .... there you have it.

I can dig most of that. I did have social type of friends back when I was younger but I suspect it was based on a "foxhole" mentality common at that age. We're all in this together. We need a life-line etc. Over the years I have gravitated away from entangling alliances and others have gravitated away from me. Not being an alcoholic seemed to have a noticeable affect on how accepted I was in most settings. Later on, not having kids or choking on debt likewise had negative social effects.

Oh well. The money will always be there. The friends, not so much.

 

[razztazz]

Do you have a good-looking and well-behaved dog? Such a dog and a guitar will have people begging to be your friends.

Glittering generalities. Got 'em both.

 

[steelyman]

Would you like to meet yourself and be your friend?



I meet people all the time. I end up going out to lunch or dinner with them and doing other activities as well. But I am not shy at all and will talk to anybody I meet even if they do not speak the local language.



Do you have a good-looking and well-behaved dog? Such a dog and a guitar will have people begging to be your friends.

I think this is good advice but I'd like to stick up for the dog population. I have known some pooches that, at first glance based on looks, made me think, "yow! What the heck is going on there?". But they were so sweet and friendly it was impossible not to want them to be your friend. People can learn a lot from dogs. And dogs' lives don't revolve around computers (or if they do, it's when I'm not looking).

 

[walkinwood]

We left a wonderful neighborhood where we had lived for 15 years and counted the neighbors as good friends, so I relate with your fears. With no job, no kids or pets, and no religious affiliations, the usual avenues weren't available to us. But....

I think much depends on you. If you're outgoing and make the effort, you can make friends. The internet - especially a site like meetup.com - helps a lot. We met our first few friends in Denver through a meetup group, and then widened the circle over the last 3 years. We like our new neighbours too, but they're so much younger than us, that we haven't been able to replicate the deep friendships we had before. But, we feel very much at home here with the friends we have made in the city and surrounding areas.

When we were first going for meetups and exploring different parts of the city, we felt like we were dating again. If you let it, it can be an invigorating experience.

All the best.

 

[braumeister]

A really nice feature of retirement is having much more time available to engage in my myriad hobbies. Most hobbies have some sort of local club or organization where you can meet others with the same interest. A very natural way to make friends wherever you live.

 

[audreyh1]

A really nice feature of retirement is having much more time available to engage in my myriad hobbies. Most hobbies have some sort of local club or organization where you can meet other with the same interest. A very natural way to make friends wherever you live.

I notice new neighbors doing this when they arrive in our neighborhood. They leverage off of other neighbors to tap into the clubs, etc. of interest available in the larger community. Very efficient!!!

 

[Mulligan]

All my work life most of the people I knew were either close neighbors or people at work. None were really "social" friends. I always thought I was too busy to commit to "social" friends. Now I am retired and I have realized (and accepted) that I am just not the sort of person that people gravitate to "socially". I would rather the opposite were true but .... there you have it.

No Tadpole, I doubt it is you at all. The synergy of people's lives continue on even though yours has changed. Your work friends general will fall away. When I was retiring one of my underlings asked if I was going to miss being around all my friends. Being one who studied and planned, I already knew what would happen. I told her, these people I like, but they are work friends not social friends so I doubt I see them much anymore which is true.
My regular friends continue on and we meet when we can, which is fairly regularly, but I am sensitive to the fact they have family and still work.
You have to actively seek friendships through activities and/or organizations.
I actually have learned to enjoy my alone time, while sprinkling in time with GF and friends.


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[SumDay]

We're talking about moving to a college town a few hours away from us - we have season tickets to several sports there, and are hoping that by joining the local booster club we'll be able to find other couples with similar interests. It's a big change, but it seems to be energizing both of us - it's giving us something to look forward to. DH likes to shoot, so I told him to check out the local shooting range/clubs, and he already found three. I'm a little nervous about it, but am hoping some of it comes naturally in the new neighborhood, which will be a big jump for us from where we're at. Our current neighborhood is in decline and it's time to move on.


Great thread - I'm reading all these with much interest!

 

[CardsFan]

In our case, we plan to stay where we are primarily due to friends and family nearby. Work friends have never been our base, though we have had many. Core group starts with DWs high school friends. 40+ years later, still going strong. My closest friends are in this group, not just hers, and the group has expanded to be about 25 people, with spouses and friends of friends.
However, in our past locations we have always had neighbor friends, and are still close with many, even the ones 1200 miles away.
BTW, we have friends that moved to The Villages last year, and they have found it easy to fit in and make new friends. The social activities make it easy. They still come back for golf outings and girls trips, so you can move and still stay friends.
Years ago we moved to a new location, with our 6 year old son. The new school was our place to meet new people. Some warned us that it was a "clique". It was, but all you had to do to join was show up and participate.

 

[gcgang]

I've found it pretty easy to make new acquaintances. We moved a couple of years ago and joined a board at our daughters junior high school, and a golf club. The golf friends are working out great. The school stuff not so much.

There are more people here that share my interests than in our old location of 30+ years, although we still enjoy spending a couple of months in the summer at our old location.

I stay in touch with longtime friends/family thru regular phone contact, and occasional rendezvous thru travel.


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[gauss]

Have met many new friends since being ER'd because:

#1) I had much more free time to be exposed to the world
#2) I got involved with various organization/volunteer activities
(organizations love new members who actually aren't afraid to contribute)

-gauss

 

[Helen]

I have met a lot of new friends through meetup groups. It's a great way to meet people who share similar interests.

I've also met a guy at Starbucks (we both had dogs and were wearing hiking pants). He is an avid hiker and introduced me to his friends who like to hike.

I've also met new people by taking classes at the gym.

This is all in the last 20 months since retiring. I thought it would be a lot more difficult to meet new friends.

 

[NC 57]

Most of our work friends gave drifted away since ER. However, the biggest surprise since ER has been the number of new and surprisingly close friends we have made.

We bought a lightly used, 3 year old Airstream travel trailer about a year before retirement thinking we would use it to travel around the USA and Canada our first 2-3 years after retirement. We bought a used trailer to minimize the loss on sale in case we didn't like the experience. We expected to be traveling as a couple and didn't consider there might be a social aspect to the RV life.

On a whim we attended a regional Airstream trailer rally in Florida we learned about on the Airstream Internet forums. There we met several delightful ER couples about our age. Before we knew it we were invited to attend other rallies and gatherings of a small group of couples spread across the southeast who enjoy getting together every few months. Between gatherings we stay in touch over the Internet and by phone. In addition we bought a campsite in an Airstream park in the mountains of Virginia where we spend a few weeks in the summer with other Airstream owners who have also become friends.

The past two years we've spent 100 nights per year in the trailer. If health issues hadn't interfered we'd likely be out camping 200 nights per year. We've taken some great trips by ourselves but on each trip it seems we meet another interesting couple, with whom we maintain contact, or we arrange to meet one of our camping friends who lives along the route we are taking. The entire RV community is very friendly and filled with interesting people living life to the fullest.

If we had not retired early, and tried the RV experience, we would not have established these wonderful relationships. Three years into retirement the last thing I worry about is making friends.


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