LONG TERM CARE,SCAREY STUFF

[Cattusbabe]

though i did everything according to today's standards and norms and accepted behavior--i did everything proper--every day i wonder if i didn't steal my mother's window of opportunity.

hopefully, if such will be my fate, i will have the wherewithal to not let them catch me.

Don't be too hard on yourself. This is not an easy situation to have to go through. I know. Dh and I are/were in the business and it was still difficult caring for his parents. You do the best you can. Just know that your mother was safe, clean and well cared for. She was not left to wander the streets dirty and sick or removed from a filthy house that was falling down around her. That stuff does happen. In all my years as a nurse in long term care I have jet to see anyone move in happy. The first six months are doozies but then things settle in...most of the time.

 

[Brat]

I have come to conclude that late in life cancer can be a blessing, at least you can move to Oregon and have options,

 

[samclem]

I'm still on the fence regarding purchase of LTCI for my wife and I.

- I did a little more research concerning the insurance offered to government employees--if you don't buy the "level premium" policy, then the rates shoot up viciously as you get older (the rates don't just go up with inflation as I'd thought--they go up as though you are buyiong more coverage each year as you get older. Addtional purchases of LTCI for an 80 year old are >>expensive<<)

- My wife and I can get three years of coverage each (just $100 payment per day--the other aprox $50 per day would come out of pocket) for a level premium of approx $100 per month at our age ($50 per month for each of us). I did an alternate case of investing the premiums and made assumptions of 5% inflation for LTC costs and ROI of 7%: At the end of 40 years we'd be able to afford a total of 357 days of care. Of course, if we both die suddenly, then this money ($240K) would be a nice bundle for our child or to a charity. All in all, based on what I've seen and heard, I'm thinking the purchase of LTC insurance might just make some sense. The three years of payments might give the "non-LTC" spouse time to protect enough assets to stay independent and avoid the "look-back" provisions of medicaid in the worst case. Still, $100 per month forever would pay for a lot of nights on the town, vacations, and living.

Like I said, I'm still on the fence.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

Don't be too hard on yourself. This is not an easy situation to have to go through. I know.

thanx cattusbabe, but nothing i can't handle.

point being that just as we need to prepare financially for long term care that makes life better, it is equally important to prepare for long term so-called care which only makes life worse

 

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

Brat said:

In my former profession I met a lot of nice folks who speak Spanish and are working at the minimum wage, or less. I often thought that a smart LTC provider should build nice care facilities near our southern border, train a lot of aids and teach them English [outscource LTC]. Two needs met!

Locate them around Cabo, PV or other resort areas and the family will visit regularly.

Brat,

I have read that there are two LTC facilities in the Lake Chapala area of Mexico with an intended market of old gringos. At least one was well spoken of by a daughter of a resident. In Mazatlan, there is a relatively newly renovated building called the Mellville that started out trying to be a LTC facility, but may have scaled back to being just a retirement home.

This kind of care is said to be unusual in Latin America, because families take care of their own. Others use inexpensive home care. I see this in my wife's and my future.

Be wary. My mother worked in LTC facilities in her last 15 or so working years so had an expert's knowledge when she and my father retired to one. I remember Marvin Zindler on Houston TV who had a private crusade against bad nursing homes.

My most agonizing searches to date when I hit a new town are
a) a new car repairman, and
b) a new dentist.
LTC is a whole new dimension of anxiety.

Be well.

Old age ain't for sissies. [from All in the Family].

Ed the Third-age Gypsy

 

[Brat]

I don't disagree. What has me concerned is the % of the population that hasn't thought through what will happen when they are unable to care for themselves. There are good and bad care situations of all types.. from home care to skilled nursing facilities. Those who are trying to assist a person who needs care has more options when there are economic resources to fund the care.

There is a direct association between the number of visits a care recipient receives and the quality of care. There is less chance of neglect that goes un-noticed. For this reason, imho, the frail elderly should be cared for near a family member who will see them regularly.

My comment about LTC in Mexico was a bit tongue-in-cheek, although the number of Gringos moving there is stunning (DH and I just returned from Loreto, over half the Gringos I met were from the NW).

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

There is a direct association between the number of visits a care recipient receives and the quality of care.  There is less chance of neglect that goes un-noticed.  For this reason, imho, the frail elderly should be cared for near a family member who will see them regularly.

i sort of agree with this but just want to comment that even with excellent care, even with family living 10 minutes away from the nursing home and even with regular visits, ya just don't know. sometimes you just have to put your faith in the system.

dealing with the alzheimer's of a mom who was always quite the babe (in college people used to ask "who's the chic in the picture"--back off, that's my mom), even a bit of a babe into old age, how do i know she is safe from rape when i'm not there?

she can't talk now and even when she could she couldn't remember. how could she tell me? how would i know?

what kind of person signs up to work hospice? a deeply caring person? someone who likes to help people die? a murderer? what kind of person signs up to change my mother's diaper, to wipe her ass, to clean her breasts?

think about that the next time you go to the podiatrist or better yet, the proctologist. and ask yourself should we be thankful for fetish or scared? now put yourself in a nursing home.

 

[grumpy]

When my parents were in a continuing care community in another state I kept in close contact by phone with the psychiatric social worker who saw them each several times a week. When I would make the 4 hour trip to visit them each month I always arranged to meet with the social worker as well. The facility they were in was really first class but it was good to have eyes and ears on the ground to pass along information that my folks couldn't report (Mom had alzheimers, dad just had lousy memory). The social worker knew them well enough to clue me in that the end was near for dad before the doctors said anything and I was able to get in a last visit with him before he died. Mom continued to ask "Where's Walt?" and on the social worker's advice we just answered honestly, "we don't know". This was easier on her than being told each time that he had died because each time she would have forgotten and would have mourned again.

There is no real substitute for being close by to monitor a loved one's care but building a close relationship with the staff can really help.


Grumpy

 

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

I agree with both Grumpy and LG4NB.

My siblings and I are absolutely certain that frequent visits to our parents in their nursing home got them more attention from the staff.

But, as LG4NB said, sometimes you have no choice but to put your faith in the system.

Feel sad for those residents who never had family visit at all. No family, estranged family, too-distant family (ouch!).

Ed

 

[Nords]

Feel sad for those residents who never had family visit at all.  No family, estranged family, too-distant family (ouch!).

Anne Landers & Dear Abby used to run that column occasionally, and they'd be deluged with letters from people explaining exactly why they wouldn't visit their mean-spirited child-abusing no-good parents!

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

a mom who was always quite the babe (in college people used to ask "who's the chic in the picture"--back off, that's my mom), even a bit of a babe into old age, how do i know she is safe from rape when i'm not there?

what kind of person signs up to work hospice? a deeply caring person? someone who likes to help people die? a murderer? what kind of person signs up to change my mother's diaper, to wipe her ass, to clean her breasts?

I've had experience in these settings and agree that family presence and engagement bring out the best in the caretakers. All for it.

LG4NB: By way of reassurance, my experience is that the vast majority of hospice and skilled nursing caretakers are dedicated, compassionate and worthy of much admiration for doing a hard, important job. There are a few monsters, but very few. I would certainly be vigilant, but mostly appreciative and confident of their care.

You ask, "What kind of person signs up to change my mother's diaper, to wipe her ass, to clean her breasts?" -- underpaid, unappreciated Saints, mostly. Thank them every time you visit.

 

[Brat]

underpaid, unappreciated Saints, mostly. Thank them every time you visit.

The most important aspect of any relationship is respect.  My brother and I have found that many who tended to our Mother's needs are friends, sweethearts, relatives of classmates/ friends/ neighbors.  It is a reminder that we are all members of the same community.  It is interesting that this kinship bridges race, education and income.

A well maintained inventory of chocolates helps.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

agreed with all. also we tip really really well. we are not allowed to tip individually but at holidays everyone sends money which is distributed anonymously. other relatives must tip really well too because we always get a very nice response.

i've no doubt, well, maybe a tiny doubt, as to the level of care i have secured for my mom. sorry for my rant. it's just that .0000001% chance that mom might ever be mistreated, if even for a split second, well, it's 1 in the a.m. and i'm still not sleeping. i say trust the system; now to convince myself.

 

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

LG4NB,

You are OK, kid.

Now, go to bed, you nitwit.

Gitano