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Old 03-25-2012, 06:10 PM   #21
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Here's a quick one with a nice solution.
Many companies have a tradition where co-w*rkers are expected to chip in for everyone's birthday (card and refreshments).That can be highly annoying, as well as expensive, especially if you don't particularly like some of them.

At the place DW used to w*rk, they reversed it. You brought in the snacks only for your own birthday. You could bring whatever you wanted (cake, donuts, bagels, etc.) which was something you personally enjoyed. Others were expected to share, but you only had to do it that one time a year.

This system was simple, convenient, and much less expensive than the normal routine.
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:41 AM   #22
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Our money dilemma is being solved thusly; after the wife and I had a discussion Sunday afternoon we decided to ask them for the mortgage account # and an address to send a one-time $2000 check.

I called last evening and left voicemails to that effect/affect? on each of their phones. Wife and I are wagering on whether they will respond or not.

Thanks for the suggestions/advice, helps to have a sanity check.
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:26 AM   #23
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We have a similar problem with poor friends when we go out to eat together. One is a single mom on a limited pension. We just ask her to calculate what she owes and we split the rest. But we have gone with separate checks at restaurants that allow it. Especially with a couple that does not drink.
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Old 03-26-2012, 11:40 AM   #24
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Our money dilemma is being solved thusly; after the wife and I had a discussion Sunday afternoon we decided to ask them for the mortgage account # and an address to send a one-time $2000 check.
I've read that mortgage companies may only want the full amount that's in arrears and may not want to accept a partial payment so check with the mortgage company before mailing in a check.

Good luck with your efforts to help them out. You are a kind person and I hope you don't end up feeling burned.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:22 PM   #25
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I agree with Sarah, to all of a sudden ask a distant relative for that kind of money seems very wrong. They obviously can't handle their finances, and you will not be helping them by just giving them money. I would put written stipulations on them in order to get the money. They should show that they are both actively working towards becoming financially responsible. Maybe make them write out a budget for you to review, or prove that they have gone to financial counseling and gotten rid of the excess expenses. You may even set it up so you are paying the mortgage/credit card or whatever debt directly so you know they are not using it for alcohol and tobacco. Obvoiulsy this gets you way more involved than you may want to get, but hey, if they are using your money, you have a say in what they need to do to get it, and how they use it. In any case, if you do give them money, don't expect them to repay.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:51 PM   #26
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Thanks for the inputs Sarah, SueJ and tkopel, and absolutely I think they are likely being opportunistic and I'm trying to think of whether that is based on desperation or deceit.

I have only received a response from one (the older) of them to my request for the mortgage # and address to mail a check. It said, "hi, thanks, I'll let Dale know you called, I don't know those details.".
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Old 03-26-2012, 04:27 PM   #27
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I agree with Sarah, to all of a sudden ask a distant relative for that kind of money seems very wrong. They obviously can't handle their finances, and you will not be helping them by just giving them money. I would put written stipulations on them in order to get the money. They should show that they are both actively working towards becoming financially responsible. Maybe make them write out a budget for you to review, or prove that they have gone to financial counseling and gotten rid of the excess expenses. You may even set it up so you are paying the mortgage/credit card or whatever debt directly so you know they are not using it for alcohol and tobacco. Obvoiulsy this gets you way more involved than you may want to get, but hey, if they are using your money, you have a say in what they need to do to get it, and how they use it. In any case, if you do give them money, don't expect them to repay.
The above is exactly why I wouldn't want to loan a family member money. It just gets so... messy.

"Neither a borrower or a lender be" seems best when it comes to family. If I felt it would help-and I could afford it-I'd just give them some money. If it came back eventually, good. If not, no hard feelings. And, no need to insert myself further into their affairs.
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Old 03-26-2012, 04:34 PM   #28
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"Neither a borrower or a lender be" seems best when it comes to family.
I like that one a lot.

Some additional wise words were once said that could apply here. "Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime."

I suppose that in this case, the above could mean that instead of giving the person money, we should (cautiously, tactfully, considerately) teach him how to manage the money he has.
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Old 03-26-2012, 05:04 PM   #29
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Hmmm, Google is a very nice feature. I entered their address and there are 2 large pickups in the driveways in the mapping. Have no idea when that was done.
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Old 03-26-2012, 05:18 PM   #30
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Thanks for the inputs Sarah, SueJ and tkopel, and absolutely I think they are likely being opportunistic and I'm trying to think of whether that is based on desperation or deceit.

I have only received a response from one (the older) of them to my request for the mortgage # and address to mail a check. It said, "hi, thanks, I'll let Dale know you called, I don't know those details.".

For me, a distant relative is one that I do not see often... and if I do not see them at least once a year, there is no chance of me helping them out..

Now, a close relative is different...
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:58 PM   #31
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When our kids were in school we encountered this. DH worked for a public agency and they were not allowed to do these kinds of fundraising in the office. I was a stay at home mom. There were fundraisers too often so I finally got to the point that I asked the teacher how much the kid was supposed to sell, how much profit did that bring in. Instead of selling crap to the same people all the time, I donated the expected profit. It was usually $10-$15. Not a problem for us.

I tried to do that when my daughter was a girl scout but it was not allowed. I ended up buying the cookies and taking them to work for my co-workers to enjoy .
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:20 PM   #32
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Hmmm, Google is a very nice feature. I entered their address and there are 2 large pickups in the driveways in the mapping. Have no idea when that was done.
So apparently they already have at least $2000. Or more than one type of consumer loan...
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:52 PM   #33
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I like that one a lot.

Some additional wise words were once said that could apply here. "Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime."
"And give a man a couple of cats, and he'll never be able to stop fishing." (On a picture of a man, fishing, while cats raid his catch.)
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:00 PM   #34
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"And give a man a couple of cats, and he'll never be able to stop fishing." (On a picture of a man, fishing, while cats raid his catch.)
Hilarious!
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:36 PM   #35
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What you're doing makes sense. I used to hate it when we went to group lunches. Being a new employee, buying my first house, etc, I would order a cheap item, no liquor or dessert. Then at the end of the meal some guy who ate and drank like it was the end of the world would announce we should split the bill evenly!! Sorry, Charlie. Why should I pay for drinks and desserts for a guy making twice what I make. I learned to avoid those event.
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:46 PM   #36
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Here's a good one where I work. A Foundation has been started to provide extra money to teachers for special projects. Each year we get the opportunity to request a grant for anywhere from $250 to $1000, no guarantees we get any money, of course.

Each year we also get a request to contribute to the foundation via payroll deduction from our pay checks. It's a big deal to have as many teachers as possible from each school contribute to show support for the work of the foundation. I think you can see where I am going with this. The vast majority of the foundation's funds came from teachers. So, we contribute money to a foundation and then write a grant proposal in the hopes of getting some of it back every few years. What is that about?
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Old 03-27-2012, 12:23 AM   #37
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Here's a good one where I work. A Foundation has been started to provide extra money to teachers for special projects. Each year we get the opportunity to request a grant for anywhere from $250 to $1000, no guarantees we get any money, of course.
That foundation sounds redundant alongside organizations like DonorsChoose.org.
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Old 03-27-2012, 01:39 AM   #38
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What you're doing makes sense. I used to hate it when we went to group lunches. Being a new employee, buying my first house, etc, I would order a cheap item, no liquor or dessert. Then at the end of the meal some guy who ate and drank like it was the end of the world would announce we should split the bill evenly!! Sorry, Charlie. Why should I pay for drinks and desserts for a guy making twice what I make. I learned to avoid those event.
In places where they wont let you split the cheques, I find it's usually the opposite problem - unless you split it equally, the person whose credit card gets used ends up getting stiffed because, collectively, the other perople don't contribute enough. If its a big group, the shortfall can be a lot of money.
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Old 03-27-2012, 05:18 AM   #39
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@North + solution for the cheque splitting:
First everybody contributes in cash, then you all decide by matchdrawing who collects the cash and uses the credit card to pay for it all ...
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Old 03-27-2012, 06:54 AM   #40
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...Then at the end of the meal some guy who ate and drank like it was the end of the world would announce we should split the bill evenly!! Sorry, Charlie. Why should I pay for drinks and desserts for a guy making twice what I make. I learned to avoid those event.
DW/me travel quite a bit - mostly by ourselves, but sometimes in organized group trips.

On the group trips, you always get a person/couple that use that scam to get away cheap.

It happens once, it doesn’t happen the second time. Then they are off to another group and complain about the "unsocial couple" (us ) that they had dinner with the previous evening.

It really dosen't matter to us, since we will never see these folks for the rest of our lives. I can see where it would be more of a problem with friends/family/co-workers.

BTW, we've gone to establishing the "rules" before we sit down to a meal with anybody we don't know. That has eliminated most of the problem (unless we're caught up in conversation and I forget to bring up the subject).
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