Parents resent our FIRE plan

[youbet]

I continue to fail to see any major problem here.

Of course the parents are "shocked and dismayed" to hear that the kids are going to live a different lifestyle. Happens most of the time when the kids take a significantly different path than the aging, set-in-their-ways parents did. And it doesn't have to be a situation where the kids are choosing to follow a lower income/spending lifestyle. For us, we were dismayed when both DS and DIL chose to take stressful jobs as managers at tech MegaCorps while raising three kids (one with special needs). They're so busy! We look at their schedule and our eyes roll up in wonder how they do it! But, we keep our mouths mostly zipped, help out occasionally and remind ourselves their lives are theirs to live.

OP's in-laws aren't necessarily in troublesome financial shape. We only know that they're spending somewhat extravagantly now and if they keep it up, their FA says they might run out of money in 20 years. They're in their 60's. Does anyone really think they'll continue this level of activity into their 80's? I predict a slowing of spending as they age and likely no financial problems in the distant future. In the meantime, I'd cheer them on (maybe hold a bon voyage party) as they embark on their next international trip!

Since possible financial problems for the in-laws are unlikely and so far in the future (by which time all the circumstances can change), is OP subconsciously wishing the in-laws lifestyle and financial plans would be more accommodative of being a back-up for his FIRE plans?

 

[Souschef]

I continue to fail to see any major problem here.

Of course the parents are "shocked and dismayed" to hear that the kids are going to live a different lifestyle. Happens most of the time when the kids take a significantly different path than the aging, set-in-their-ways parents did.

I agree. My Dad worked for the same company for 40 years, and was "shocked and dismayed" when I changed jobs. Aerospace is a whole different world than the one he was in.
I think as many have said here, OP's parents are going to slow down as they age.I am now 81 (and will not run out of money). In the past 3 years we have taken 3 cruises total.
We can no longer tolerate those 10 hour flights, even in Business Class. Also, DW has some breathing problems. To keep her in an airplane with a cabin altitude of 7000 feet is looking for trouble.

 

[youbet]

I think that you should set clear boundaries with your parents and live the life that you want regardless of their judgement.

I sure agree here. Speaking from the parent's side of the table, this happened to us. When DS and DIL married, I was anxious to begin an extended-family plan to transfer wealth to them (conservatively and as we were able) to significantly enhance their FIRE probabilities. In their view, especially DIL's, this led to excessive "meddling" and sharing of financial data on our part. Sooooo...... with that lesson learned we just gently backed out wishing we had never made the assumption that accumulating wealth leading to FIRE would be high on their priority list. Haven't mentioned investing, FIRE, careers, wealth, etc., etc. to them in years and we're all happier for it and are enjoying a very happy and positive relationship.

Regarding setting clear boundaries....... There should also be some attempt at understanding where the parents are coming from. Their reaction isn't unusual or uncaring. After bringing their daughter into the world, raising her and giving unconditional love all this time, it's hard to completely let go and not get caught up in what appears to them to be a dicey financial situation (FIRE). It's tough to ignore unwanted comments but rest assured it will pay off as mom and dad observe their daughter living a happy and secure life despite both she and her DH retiring very early. They'll come around. It will just take a little time.

Ironically, your parent's financial advisor does not think that they can afford to spend $10K a month either.

We don't know much about the parents overall financial situation, their health and life expectancy, etc. But they are in their 60's, having fun now and OP says:

their financial adviser projected them to run out of money in 20 years.

I don't think the issues are actually the possibilities of the parents running out of money and needing support later. The issues are the combination of the parents' reaction to the kids' choice of lifestyle, the kids failure to take their reaction with a grain of salt realizing parents commonly react negatively to what they perceive as risk to the kids' well being and unrealistic worry about the parents' long term financial status which doesn't look all that bad to me.

OP does seem genuinely interested in having a positive relationship with his in-laws and staying connected. So, don't fret their spending and lifestyle and, in fact, be happy for them. It will be a number of years ahead before you know if the elevated spending continues and whether the 20 year projection is really a threat. That is, whether they keep up the travel and everything into their 80's (doubtful) or whether they're even alive then. And go on with your plans and life having a thick skin for any comments made. Remember, they're parent-geezers which isn't an easy thing to be. This spoken by a long FIRE'd parent-geezer.

OP's post seems a bit more of a rant than an objective, quantitative evaluation. With that in mind, I'd just advise him to not say or do anything that might have long term consequences regarding his DW's relationship with her parents over the long term. These parent/child lifestyle choice disagreements have a way of eventually blowing over.......... if you don't make too many hurtful comments while there're going on.

 

[youbet]

It is about how much should we plan to provide given our own ER timeline, and that parents are much more than well-off than the kids. We care about our parents hence the question.

Setting the original rant and the mostly subjective inputs aside, I'll comment on this more quantitative question.

If you feel that DW's feelings about not having her parents live in poverty if they run out of money would cause her to want to provide something for them, consider these points:

It will have nothing to do with "parents are much more than well-off than the kids." Once the parents are out of money (in the unlikely event that occurs), then the kids are more well-off than the parents. It will be primarily your DW's feelings about it. In my family's situation, I'd assume my DW would want to help her parents in some way.

As far as specific dollar amounts go, you've fallen far short of giving enough info for much of a guess. But consider these things......

If both DW's parents are in LTC when they run out of money, there will be nothing financially you can do since anything you could contribute would be nothing compared to the size of the annual cost and wouldn't change the fact that they're on Medicaid. You will need to understand the Medicaid rules and regs and the art of finding decent Medicaid accommodations. And it would be nice if DW had the money to gas up the car and visit them once in a while.......

If one or both of DW's parents are still at home when they run out of money, you need to compare a poverty+ income need with what ongoing income they will have. SS? Pension? Then figure what you would need to bring their ongoing income up to poverty+. Say you think you'd need to add $10k/yr for 10 years taking them deep into their 90's and still living at home. Then save $100k more. Also, if and when you feel the need arising years from now, learn the ropes of the local welfare system and be prepared to act as their advocate.

I understand that "because you care for the parents," it's very hard to take advise to "let them starve," etc. But there isn't much you can or need to do financially. And it does sound like the possibility of them running out of money is slim. So I think your main commitment will be to act as their advocate with Medicaid and/or welfare agencies if and when the time comes.

If it looked like they would run out of money at 70 yrs old or so, that would be a different question. You just don't seem to have much "parent support risk" compared to most folks and I certainly wouldn't let it alter my FIRE plans. If DW's parents would benefit from some support years from now, do the best you can with the circumstances that exist at the time. No way to know what those circumstances will be at this point.