Parents resent our FIRE plan

[ivinsfan]

Actually I think your choice of the word resent in your thread title isn't really accurate.
It seems as if they are scoffing are your plan for a moderate ER and think the full one 10K a month style is better.

It's not very nice of them, but I don't see where resentment comes in.

 

[Teacher Terry]

This is not your problem. Back up plan is point them towards social programs. Hopefully this won’t be needed.

 

[DINKFIRE]

Thank you all

Thank you all for the responses so far, and many suggestions are very helpful. With what I've seen so far, I've concluded that we will not discuss our concerns with our parents, and we will not plan to support them with more than what we could afford without jeopardizing our own retirement.

I still welcome additional comments, and I appreciate all of you for commenting on this thread!

 

[Nature Lover]

I'm just catching back up on this thread, but see Dinkfire has provided some additional useful information, and attempted to focus the discussion on expectations for helping out financially if the in-laws need it at some point. First, I applaud her patience and tolerance as this thread has responded in a myriad of ways --I think trying to be helpful, but sometimes communicated in a challenging manner. Clearly this is difficult subject and opinions vary.

As for whether to provide assistance if needed, like others here I'd say it depends. You're going to live your life as you see fit (save/invest, RE, spend what you're going to spend, etc...). While your IL's probably have more than enough to live their own lifestyle without your help, if a time does come that they need help, you should only help if you can afford it. Remember the rules for oxygen on the airplane: In case of emergency, the oxygen masks will deploy ---put your mask on first before helping others.

Do I think you need to Plan to help them? No, from what you've said, it sounds like they can manage their affairs just fine. They were successful, received a meaningful inheritance, and have finance professionals to help them. They're probably not expecting to need your help, so live your life; and if they need financial help later, you can provide it if you can afford it. If you can't afford to help financially at that time, you'll still be able to provide love and emotional support...

 

[The Cosmic Avenger]

A socially appropriate level of support is not to let them go without basic essentials .Food ,shelter and medical care are all basic essentials .

5. PRIVILEGES. You are entitled to food, clothing, shelter and medical attention. Anything else that you get is a privilege. You earn your privileges by conducting yourself properly.

That's from the Inmate Regulations at Alcatraz, but I've found it's very applicable to other situations where people feel entitled to something, especially family.

 

[brett]

People sometimes say things in the heat of the moment that they do not really mean. They put their mouth or their emotions in gear before their brain.

Water off a ducks back. Ignore the comments.

Go and live your life to the fullest and the way you see fit. You cannot live your live for others, not even your parents. Some people have a real problem with non conformity. Accept that and move forward.

My parents thought we were nuts when, years ago, we sold our home and many of our possessions, went to Europe and bought a camper van. Traveled for months. One of the best things we ever did. Our contemporaries we all focused on having children and on their careers. We never regretted it for one minute.

 

[ncbill]

A socially appropriate level of support is not to let them go without basic essentials .Food ,shelter and medical care are all basic essentials .

Sure, a spare bedroom as other posters have said.

Their SS checks would then be available to cover their medical (Medicare + supplement) & food/other basics costs.

 

[Big_Hitter]

my parents have been pleading with me to retire for YEARS

 

[pb4uski]

or the ant and the grasshopper

That was the one that crossed my mind.

 

[DINKFIRE]

People sometimes say things in the heat of the moment that they do not really mean. They put their mouth or their emotions in gear before their brain.

Water off a ducks back. Ignore the comments.

Their comment would not have bothered me as much to post this thread, if they said it in a heated discussion about finance or retirement, but rather oddly, it took place when we were hanging out on a beautiful afternoon chatting about local news and weekend plan. Out of nowhere my mother-in-law said in almost exactly these words, "we are spending our money as fast as we can so you won't inhere anything, if you are counting on that for your early retirement". I've noted in one of my earlier posts how we responded, but that made me wonder what we would be responsible for in case they do spend all and it does not last though their golden years.

 

[Aerides]

Their comment would not have bothered me as much to post this thread, if they said it in a heated discussion about finance or retirement, but rather oddly, it took place when we were hanging out on a beautiful afternoon chatting about local news and weekend plan. Out of nowhere my mother-in-law said in almost exactly these words, "we are spending our money as fast as we can so you won't inhere anything, if you are counting on that for your early retirement". I've noted in one of my earlier posts how we responded, but that made me wonder what we would be responsible for in case they do spend all and it does not last though their golden years.

It sounds like there's a lot of family dynamic most of us can only guess at going on here. You've gotten the general advice loud and clear, but I would think this needs a long chat first with your spouse, then, maybe with your inlaws.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Hopefully she was kidding.

 

[Rianne]

I agree with Dave Ramsey on this subject. Parents should not co sign or loan money to family when it puts them at financial risk, especially retirement. I think it should go the other way too. Kids should not feel obligated to support parents who have the means to take care of themselves. I did not expect my parents to 1. pay for my school 2. pay for my rent or living expenses 3. give me handouts. They raised me, gave me the tools to succeed.

Why on earth would parents with substantial means expect their children to fund their old age health (I mean when they sound pretty well to do).

 

[Moemg]

, it took place when we were hanging out on a beautiful afternoon chatting about local news and weekend plan. Out of nowhere my mother-in-law said in almost exactly these words, "we are spending our money as fast as we can so you won't inhere anything, if you are counting on that for your early retirement".

Was this said after one of two martini's ?

 

[braumeister]

they suggest that if we can't afford to spend ten thousand dollars a month in retirement, we are not ready to retire.

This triggered another thought. Someone may have already brought this up, but it's just possible that they love you and want to see you have a much more affluent retirement (albeit later than planned). So in an awkward way they may just be trying to encourage you to stay employed until you can get to their level of spending.

 

[SnowBound]

OP: Well, we knew of a married couple just like like your parents. In retirement, the money was flowing like there is no bottom. Then husband died, and the debt pile was a big pile. Straight into bankruptcy is where the wife ended up.

However: Never burn any bridges...

 

[NW-Bound]

... We have told our parents about our plan, and they laughed at us first, then recently they told us they are spending their money as fast as they can so we won't inhere anything from them if we retire early, which we are not planning to anyway. However, they also told us they are spending at least ten thousand dollars monthly on average, and their financial adviser projected them to run out of money in 20 years. they suggest that if we can't afford to spend ten thousand dollars a month in retirement, we are not ready to retire.

They travel many times a year domestically and internationally, often on luxury tours to exotic places with their much wealthier friends. They dine out more often than eating at home, go to all sorts of expensive events and parties, and spend frivolously on stuff they already have, just to impress their friends...

FIRECalc says I can spend more than the above, and won't run out of money in 30 years. But we are spending less than that, having all that we care to have. I guess it helps that we are not hanging out with richer people to keep up with them, nor caring to impress anyone.

And while I have been encouraging my children to save by practicing LBYM, I never tell them how much they want. Instead, I tell them to plan for 25x what they need for the lifestyle that they chose.

Of course I would discourage them from ER if they were going to drop out of work to live in a van down by the river. There's really no risk of that, as they like comfort too much and do not hate their job that badly.

 

[wrigley]

Their comment would not have bothered me as much to post this thread, if they said it in a heated discussion about finance or retirement, but rather oddly, it took place when we were hanging out on a beautiful afternoon chatting about local news and weekend plan. Out of nowhere my mother-in-law said in almost exactly these words, "we are spending our money as fast as we can so you won't inhere anything, if you are counting on that for your early retirement". I've noted in one of my earlier posts how we responded, but that made me wonder what we would be responsible for in case they do spend all and it does not last though their golden years.

Is she known for her sense of humor?

Mike

 

[OddGuy]

OP, are you sure your parents understand that you don't need the inheritance to retire early? Their reaction makes more sense if they think you are going to use their money to not work anymore.

Yes, this is a great question.

 

[brett]

Can you change their attitude?

Really, you have two choices. Try to convince them to change their attitude or simply move on with your life. Seems to me that option B is best.

You can knash your teeth and wring your hands over this for the rest of your lives. Move forward and put this behind you. No amount of discussion or rehashing the the situation will change the facts and your 'givens'.

 

[Pellice]

Mom and Dad, your wonderful FA and your financial success so far has reinforced our decision to FIRE and move on with our lives as well. Thank you for the encouraging example! We are so glad your timing has set you up for your future years. Congratulations!

 

[Chuckanut]

"we are spending our money as fast as we can so you won't inhere anything, if you are counting on that for your early retirement"

That makes perfect sense to me. Why should somebody's parents deny themselves pleasure in retirement so their kids can retire decades before the parents were able to retire? I can't think of one good reason.

 

[brett]

Let it go.

Why torture yourselves with the constant discussion and angst?

Move forward with your lives. There is nothing in the rear view mirror for you.

 

[gwraigty]

That makes perfect sense to me. Why should somebody's parents deny themselves pleasure in retirement so their kids can retire decades before the parents were able to retire? I can't think of one good reason.

I agree. The in-laws shouldn't deny themselves to leave a larger inheritance. If OP's ER is dependent on getting an inheritance, I didn't catch it. This could be a concern of the in-laws, although maybe poorly worded. The main concern of OP seems to be that the in-laws will run out of money before the in-laws run out of time, and then OP feels there is an obligation to financially support the in-laws. Of course, there could be a lot of vital info missing from this whole picture. One side of the story, and all that.

 

[Gumby]

I have been thinking about this thread for several days and in light of the OP's followup post, I am inclined to give the parents the benefit of the doubt. I try to put myself in their shoes. If my child and her spouse told me they were going to retire early, I would be naturally concerned that their plan be realistic. I think any plan that relies on an inheritance ipso facto is not realistic. There are many things that could happen before any inheritance comes to fruition. I would also find it presumptuous. I would want to ask, but it is a delicate question, so I would probably go with a humorous approach -- something exactly like "I hope your plan doesn't rely on inheriting anything, because your mother and I are spending our money as fast as we can." It is a way to broach the subject and give a subtle warning. It is not, however, a signal that I expect my child to take care of me later. At least, I surely would not have intended it that way.

I would just let it go, but if you can't, I would approach the parents and ask them something like this -- "I am really thinking hard about our last conversation. I want to make double sure that we are ready. You guys seem to have your ducks in a row. Could I show you our plan and get your input?" Then you show them your plan, which I am assuming does not contemplate any inheritance. That assuages their concern, flatters them a little and, I think, will allow you to find out if they really do expect your eventual financial support. If they don't, all is good. If they do, you can worry about it at that point. In my view, you do not have sufficient information right now to warrant all the agita.