Tips on getting SO involved in finances...

[bbbamI]

...anybody got any?

First of all I want to say that my DH is a wonderful, intelligent and hard working man and I am very fortunate to have him in my life.

That being said, I find it difficult to get him involved in our finances. I have always been the saver and he the spender, but it has worked out ok. I have always paid the bills and kept up with our finances.

It took me 3 months, for example, to get him to get serious about moving an annuity to Fidelity. Since he would like to retire in 2 years, I've really been putting my nose to the grindstone and am doing everything I can to reach that goal.

His job is stressful, so I don't bring financial issues up very often. Most times he just wants to relax or busy himself with his hobbies. I can understand that and I don't want to nag him, but he needs to be more involved. We have talked about this some, and he says he should spend more time on it, but he keeps putting it off.

Has anyone else been through this? Any suggestions?

Thanks

 

[unclemick]

The SO 29 yrs, my Mom 15 yrs - other than ask where to sign

Good luck

heh heh heh

 

[JustCurious]

If things are ok the way they are, my suggestion is to let it be. Some people are just not interested in finance or researching investments. If you bring that to your marriage as your strength, I'm sure there are other things that he brings as his strengths, and it is probably a symbiotic relationship. Count your blessings and let it be.

 

[jdw_fire]

If things are ok the way they are, my suggestion is to let it be. Some people are just not interested in finance or researching investments. If you bring that to your marriage as your strength, I'm sure there are other things that he brings as his strengths, and it is probably a symbiotic relationship. Count your blessings and let it be.

This advice may be OK as long as the financial savy partner stays alive and competent, but that is a pretty big risk to take with someone you love.

 

[haha]

This advice may be OK as long as the financial savy partner stays alive and competent, but that is a pretty big risk to take with someone you love.

Likepeople on this board are always saying, "Wasn't that a choice?"

Ha

 

[Callie]

My hub is more *big picture* than details, which is we use a CFP. Sometimes I try to involve him in information I find, but he is basically happy if we meet our goals, we beat the S&P500, and take a couple of nice vacations.

I just stopped trying to involve him in more detail. I think he is happier and more relaxed than I am for this reason.

 

[crazy connie]

The day he retires (or before) log him in here for some of the good natured activities & fun interspersed with financial things!!

 

[kaneohe]

If (or once) you decide it is a hopeless undertaking, how about if you sit down and write down whatever you think it is important for him to know, your philosophy of investing, why things are the way they are in your portfolio, etc. You could also warn of things not to do. He might not understand everything you say but he could take that document to a trusted person who would. You could tell him who not to trust (salesmen?) You could leave that, listing of assets, etc. w/ the will/trust (does he know where those are) so they would be found. I'm sure this idea has been discussed here before but couldn't find it.

 

[2B]

I have a couple of suggestions to have him more interested in finances.

• Tell him you don't think there's enough money for him to ever retire.  Ask if he'd like to look over the numbers to see if he has any suggestions.
  
• Tell him you moved all the money into an off shore account and you're running away with Raul the poolboy.
  
• Tell him the doctor said you had three months to live and would he like to know the secret Swiss account number and password.
  

  Just kidding but he probably could use a little wake up call.


It's difficult to be the person doing the money.  I was elected in our house and DW is oblivious to anything other than whether she has any checks left.  Once in awhile I make her sit in front of the computer while I go over our assets/expenses in Quicken.  She'll sit for about 10 minutes.

He is taking a big risk.  My FIL developed Alzheimer's and he was the money man in the family.  He was busily buying annuities and running up the credit card balances when DW saw what was going on.  Her mother was busily doing her job of spending so nothing seemed wrong to her.

It's good one of you cares.  I know couples where neither one is watching anything.  They get into their 50's and suddenly realize they might want to retire someday.  I'm counting on these people to pay enough taxes to keep my SS afloat.

late edit:

You could have a SO as involved as you are which may not be good either. I worked with someone with good financial savy and his wife did too. To maintain peace they had to split their assets and each manages their part.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Hmmm...financial stress is the #1 cause of divorce in america.

Divorce is the #1 cause of bankruptcy.

I'm guessing if its working out okay the way it is, its a good idea to leave it the way it is.

My wifes smart, but isnt into finances and money stuff. I do that. I explain things to her now and then, but she listens patiently, nods and then I'm quite sure it falls right out the other ear.

I have a nice 3 page letter explaining to her in simple terms where it all is, why its there, what to do with it if i've been hit by a bus, and who to turn to for further help long range.

 

[bbbamI]

Thanks for the advice and chuckles!

When I tell hubby about this forum, he pats me on the head and says, "that's nice". Not long ago I wrote up a document and gave it to my parents and SIL detailing our assets and who to call if we both go up in smoke. Maybe I shoud give him one too, huh?

Every once in a while, when he mentions buying something that's fairly expensive, I'll say ok...according to my calculations, you'll just have to work an additional 6 months for that. Then he says hmmmm.

It's just a little frustrating right now. I believe when he is no longer working, he'll be more involved. He'll have to be. Until then, I'll keep pluggin' along.

 

[magellan_nh]

I have a nice 3 page letter explaining to her in simple terms where it all is, why its there, what to do with it if i've been hit by a bus, and who to turn to for further help long range.

To me this is really the key. DW isn't very interested in the mechanics of how our finances are set up either.

I give her a once a year annual report on where things are (and why) and she graciously acts interested for an hour or so. Putting the report together (in Powerpoint) is actually good for me as well since it gets me to reflect on everything that happened (and that I've done) over the year.

Jim

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Every once in a while, when he mentions buying something that's fairly expensive, I'll say ok...according to my calculations, you'll just have to work an additional 6 months for that. Then he says hmmmm.

We have the exact same system. When my wife said she wanted a Lexus I told her that was fine, but she'd have to work for 2-3 more years past what she had originally planned to be able to offset the expense.

In other cases I explain how much that money spent would be worth when gabe goes to college or when we need in-home nursing in our 90's.

"That new living room set...thats two years of harvard in 18 years..."

 

[mb]

Agree with CFB.

I have a similar situation. DH is perfectly happy to have me handle the investments including her 401k. She glances at her quarterly 401k statement and will occasionally make a comment if I have moved money from one fund to another but that is about it.

And that is fine. Investments are not something that we need to share. She doesn't really have to worry about the details if she doesn't want to. She does a lot of things that I don't have the patience for and I like doing the investments so it is a good division of responsibilities.

BUT I am fortunate in that she is very capable of taking over if needed. She has an MBA. She understands indexing, the importance of low ER and diversification.

Also our plan is set up so that doing nothing is fine. She would not need the money even if my income went away and we invest mostly in indexes to an AA plan and it could go on "cruise control" for a couple of years without any problem.

I think that that the "non investment" spouse has to know:

- Just enough about the investment plan and philosophy to know that they don't have to run off to a FA right away if something happens to you. I do think that you have to educate your spouse to this extent.

- How to access money if they need it. Pretty easy to have the emergency funds in a MM and show them where the checks are at.

- Where the $s are. A simple list will do with accounts #s. etc.

In a similar thread I recalled that many had a letter on finances to their spouse in case something happens. I think that is probably enough in most cases.

MB

 

[Nords]

Hmmm...financial stress is the #1 cause of divorce in america.

Just how interested & involved do you want him to be?

Oprah recently had an episode where spouses were asked to sign a post-nuptial agreement. In other words their spouses were so successful in their money-making activities that they were having second thoughts about having to share all that manna with their better halves.

So ask your SO to sign a post-nup giving up his rights to your assets. One thing will lead to another and I suspect he'll be a lot more involved!

 

[bbbamI]

Hubby sign a post-nup?



It would take him so long that by the time he agrees, we'll be so old that neither one of us will be able to write our own names........

 

[sgeeeee]

Write a book on retirement planning and ask her to be your proof reader.

 

[bssc]

I don't talk to my wife about finances and she doesn't talk to me about electricity since the subject makes our respective eyes glaze over.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I'm just happy that mine has taken to watching football with me, and can read a blitz when its coming. And tells me "get a new, bigger one on your way home" when a tv goes out.

 

[sailor]

Write a book on retirement planning and ask her to be your proof reader.

Speaking about your book SG, I'm sorry to report that my library doesn't like you
When I asked to buy ESRBob book they've got 4 copies.
When I requested your book, here's the response:

Hi Mr. XYZ,

In researching your request below for "Engineering your Retirement:Retirement planning for Technology Professionals," it was determined that this particular title is too specific to fit within the library systems' scope for purchasing materials. Unfortunately because it has a publication date of 2007, it will not be eligible for Interlibrary Loan until next year. If you are still interested at that time, please submit an ILL request.

Sorry for the inconvenience and let me know if you have any questions,

 

[sgeeeee]

Speaking about your book SG, I'm sorry to report that my library doesn't like you
When I asked to buy ESRBob book they've got 4 copies.
When I requested your book, here's the response: . . .

Thanks for the feedback, sailor. Wiley Interscience probably doesn't sell many books to community libraries. The book does target technology professionals (a small target group) and because it has modest volume potential, it is also more expensive ($34.95) than larger market books. That probably doesn't help much with libraries either.

I'll forward the information to Wiley and see if they have a suggestion.

 

[WM]

Similar to what's already been said, DH is not especially interested in the details of our finances, although he does look at the "reports" I show him and understands the basics of what we're doing. We're both happy this way. I've made a list of all our important info and remind him periodically where it's at, and I also gave a copy to my mother, who handles the finances for her and my dad - she would be the #1 resource if I disappeared.

One question is, why do you want your husband to be more involved? Do you not want sole responsibility for how things come out in the end? Is he spending too much and just not "getting it" that he's putting off retirement by doing so? It seems like you're on the right track by equating expensive purchases with additional months of work.

 

[bbbamI]

WM,

I guess what bugs me the most is that sometimes I feel like the "mom".

And yeah, now that you mention it, I don't like the responsibility...I'm afraid I'll leave something out.

 

[JonnyM]

I read the gist of the thread to DW (who handles all things financial) and her comment was "leave the poor guy alone", I'm off a slightly more sympathetic opinion. Assuming you contribute equally to the partnership and he could take over in a pinch as I know I could I'd be content. Our original deal when we switched was I'd do the Cat Boxes, she'd do the financial, and it's been working for us. She's better suited to the task as she hates giving anyone any of our money before they deserve it. I would tend to pay bills too early, and not move funds to higher interest accounts. And Hey! Cleaning cat boxes is not all that great a chore either! Surely a fair deal for all concerned. 8)

 

[WM]

I guess what bugs me the most is that sometimes I feel like the "mom".

And yeah, now that you mention it, I don't like the responsibility...I'm afraid I'll leave something out.

Hmmm... I have to say that although DH isn't interested in the details, it does feel like we're working together toward a goal, and the decisions we make are joint ones (albeit heavily influenced by me ) This is a lot different than feeling like the "mom."

Regarding the responsibility issue, it sounds like you've done a great job preparing for ER, if you're only 2 years out or so. Maybe it's not the perfect plan, whatever that is, but I bet you and your husband are a lot better off than if you'd sat on the sidelines. If I were you I'd feel free to pat myself on the back if no one else is going to do it

I don't know if this is a good suggestion, but instead of trying to initiate "financial" discussions, what about floating some ideas about what you'll both want to do post-FIRE? That might be a more fun way to connect on the issue, and could also, after a while, lead to discussion about what will be "affordable" given your current FIRE plans, savings rate, etc.