Trapped By Her Lifestyle

bssc said:
One of my sisters must be in money problems since I got a check out of the blue from my parents. They always send out money equally.
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Ugh, DW's mother does this. We don't share the exact details of our finances with her, but she knows that we are generally well-off, especially compared to DW's two sisters. Yet every so often she feels guilty about helping DW's sisters and sends us a check. I really do not want to accept the money, but DW tells me she would be very offended if we turned her down.

My parents have no such compulsion. By and large they have helped each of us when we needed it, and not felt the need to spread it around haphazardly.
 
It's seems like we are constantly hearing messages telling us MORE! It could be ads, lifestyles we see on tv and movies, or the neighbor up the street with the new car.

I can see how it's easy to fall into that trap. I've done it myself a couple of times. My brother and sister both got in a little deep, but were smart enough to pull back and are doing better. I've got co w*rkers who I have to restrain from saying 'I hope you love your job because you'll have to work till you die'.

It's easy to look at someone and think they must be rich because of all the stuff they have. Then you have to wonder if they they own the stuff or does it own them. I've come to learn that true wealth is really freedom to do what you enjoy without worrying 'how am I going to pay for this'.
 
Dog said:
She bought nice cars, nice townhome, designer clothes and jewelry.
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I used to know plenty of people in the navy who spent their entire paycheques on a combination of booze, cars, clothes and expensive stereos. :rolleyes:
 
Rivrider said:
It's easy to look at someone and think they must be rich because of all the stuff they have. Then you have to wonder if they they own the stuff or does it own them.
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One of my favorite TV commercials (haven't seen it for a while) was for some debt-reduction organization. It showed a guy in front of a large house, pillars holding up the roof over the front porch, he's sitting on his lawn tractor on the expansive lawn, new 'Benz, SUV & boat on a trailer in the background. "How do I do it? I'm up to my eyeballs in debt!"
 
I have to admit one of my biggest fears is the want/need/expectation of my children for money after they are adults. I figure that would be the largest detriment to FIRE, unless the stock market tanks too.
 
I intend to spend 90% of my money on booze and broads. The other 10% I'll spend foolishly...

With acknowledgement to Ben on Raddr's board
 
FD, I feel your pain.

DW's family has a lot of "issues" and since blood is thicker than water (whatever than means!) we have done a lot to support certain members of the family that got in some serious financial trouble with no way out. One is disabled, divorced, no alimony, no savings and is living with her sister's family. (Thank God we don't live close by!). We gave her DW's old car, paid her medical bills, paid off her debt so the creditors would not take her to court and I got her on Calif. assistence and Soc. Sec. Disability. We even had her on our cell phone service for a year until she lost the phone we gave her.

At some point you have to say...NO! We are at that point. If she were to do more for herself we might be more willing to help.

My mother is self-sufficient and should be so until she dies. The product of LBYM and staying out of debt. She is not all that well off in total assets but she will not out live her cash flow...and that is all any of us can really ask for.
 
Ronnieboy said:
I have to admit one of my biggest fears is the want/need/expectation of my children for money after they are adults. I figure that would be the largest detriment to FIRE, unless the stock market tanks too.
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I put my two kids through college but part of the deal was for them to work part time to help. They both did and I supported them for the agreed to amount of time. They are both done now and I am off the hook. They are better for the experience and I have no doubts they will do well in their financial life. We talked about debt and finances many times so the seed was planted early (despite their mother's actions.).

If my spending goes as planned, they should still inherit a nice chunk of change unless DW exceedes her insurance life time maximum.

It is hard to say No to family. I know if my mother, kids or brother needed help I would do what I could to help them out. They would do the same for me. If I had to go back to w*rk to help them out I would do it. Sometimes you just have to do what is in your heart.
 
SteveR said:
It is hard to say No to family. I know if my mother, kids or brother needed help I would do what I could to help them out. They would do the same for me. If I had to go back to w*rk to help them out I would do it. Sometimes you just have to do what is in your heart.
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Absolutely. I've helped my dad a few times since my mom died in '95, and was happy to do it. Over the years I've loaned money to my siblings when they've hit hard times after lay-offs and the like, and been happy to do so - they always paid me back once they were back on their feet.
 
SteveR said:
is hard to say No to family. I know if my mother, kids or brother needed help I would do what I could to help them out. They would do the same for me. If I had to go back to w*rk to help them out I would do it. Sometimes you just have to do what is in your heart.
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I help my Mother out . She always lived frugally but my parents never made a lot and my Dad died when my Mom was only sixty three. She appreciates everything I do and I am glad to do it .
 
SteveR said:
It is hard to say No to family. I know if my mother, kids or brother needed help I would do what I could to help them out. They would do the same for me. If I had to go back to w*rk to help them out I would do it. Sometimes you just have to do what is in your heart.
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As I have told DW, I would willingly bail out any of our siblings or parents, if necessary. But there would be a limit.
 
brewer12345 said:
Ugh, DW's mother does this. We don't share the exact details of our finances with her, but she knows that we are generally well-off, especially compared to DW's two sisters. Yet every so often she feels guilty about helping DW's sisters and sends us a check. I really do not want to accept the money, but DW tells me she would be very offended if we turned her down.
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I would be glad to give you my mailing address if you would like to forward the check to me. I'll put the money to good use. :)
 
Milton said:
I used to know plenty of people in the navy who spent their entire paycheques on a combination of booze, cars, clothes and expensive stereos. :rolleyes:
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And I'll bet they just wasted the rest!

Okay, a bit of an old joke.
 
SteveR said:
DW's family has a lot of "issues" and since blood is thicker than water (whatever than means!) we have done a lot to support certain members of the family that got in some serious financial trouble with no way out. One is disabled, divorced, no alimony, no savings and is living with her sister's family (thank God we don't live close by!). We gave her DW's old car, paid her medical bills, paid off her debt so the creditors would not take her to court and I got her on Calif. assistence and Soc. Sec. Disability. We even had her on our cell phone service for a year until she lost the phone we gave her.

At some point you have to say...NO! We are at that point. If she were to do more for herself we might be more willing to help.
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Steve, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are far more generous and understanding than I would have been in such circumstances.
 
Ronnieboy said:
I have to admit one of my biggest fears is the want/need/expectation of my children for money after they are adults. I figure that would be the largest detriment to FIRE, unless the stock market tanks too.
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Well, *need* would be one thing, but 'want' and 'expectations'? :confused:

I thought you said 'after they are adults'? Their 'want's and 'expectations' should be provided by themselves.

-ERD50
 
ERD50 said:
Well, *need* would be one thing, but 'want' and 'expectations'? :confused:

I thought you said 'after they are adults'? Their 'want's and 'expectations' should be provided by themselves.

-ERD50
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I guess I should say they want or expect me to keep supporting them. I actually had a co-worker tell me that she expected her father to support her until she was married off (who knows how long that could be).
While I wouldn't kick the kids out of the house at 18, if they are working and not going to college, *I* would expect some rent ;)
There was a post in another thread about someone's mother still supporting her two sons. They were in their late 30's early 40's. That is what I don't want.
 
I actually had a co-worker tell me that she expected her father to support her until she was married off
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Hmm I wonder how many goats will be in the dowry? ;)
 
Ronnieboy said:
While I wouldn't kick the kids out of the house at 18, if they are working and not going to college, *I* would expect some rent ;)
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That's how it was when my siblings and I were growing up. It was go to college and get a part time job, or if not going to college then get a fulltime job. In either case, if we planned on living at home, we were charged room & board and were expected to do household chores as well.

We NEVER expected the folks to support us after HS.......of course that was ingrained in us from about our HS freshman year onward, so we knew what the road ahead looked like for us. In fact all three of us had jobs by age 16......or before.
 
Ronnieboy said:
I guess I should say they want or expect me to keep supporting them.
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Apparently children are influenced more by their peers than their parents. However, as you are the person from whom that future largesse would presumably be flowing, I would think that you will have lots of opportunity to manage their expectations from a relatively early age.
 
Ronnieboy said:
I guess I should say they want or expect me to keep supporting them. I actually had a co-worker tell me that she expected her father to support her until she was married off (who knows how long that could be).
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Ok... I just had to comment on this. I am still a fairly young single man. It has just blown me away how many women I have dated in their late 20's, early 30's that are still being supported financially in part, or in whole by their parents. Needless to say, when I run accross people like that, it screams "irresponsibility" to me very loudly. As I am fond of telling my friends, "One day I would love to have a little girl, but no way do I want to marry one!" :)
 
I think the reasons an adult working full-time and living with their parents matter also, though. I mean, some legitimately help the parents out in some regard (with younger siblings or household responsibilities) or it is ingrained in their culture that family lives together.

That said, if I were to meet a man who showed interest in me and I learned that his parents were either partially funding his lifestyle or he was living at home without paying rent, I would be very wary.
 
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