Old friend having problems getting his children to visit except at Xmas, and reading his emails is almost painful. He is really hurting, and, I gather, his wife is also.
Son says he is "too busy" with work and will not come (married, no kids); youngest girl (single, no kids) has not been to see them in 8 years! Yes! 8 years (count 'em)!!!
Without getting into it too heavily, what is the normal amount of visits one has with their adult children who live in another area of the country? Say, you live in Florida and they live in D.C. or Seattle?
I don't think anyone should rush to judge any child for not visiting their parents, the truth is no-one knows what went on behind closed doors, someone who may appear to those on the outside to be a fantastic person may have been the crappiest parent. Children should visit their parents because they want to - not because of any feeling of obligation or scorecards being kept.
Ann Landers & Dear Abby used to publish letters about lonely nursing-home residents who never got any visitors... and then the two columnists would be deluged in mail from angry sons & daughters describing exactly why they would never visit their parents again. So it might be a case of your friend reaping what he sowed or the results of his familial neglect. Hard to tell from the outside and really none of our business either way, but it reminds me of Harry Chapin's "Cats in the Cradle" song.
Why is it that parents do not do more of the actual visiting? Is this a left over from when the kids were college age and the kids DID come home for food, money and whatever --- and the thinking never changed once the 'kid' got married and/or establish his/her own household?
What else could be more important to retired empty nesters than visiting your own 'kids' and grandkids -- provided they are on speaking terms, that is?
I think that it's a personal choice. I haven't seen my father or my brother since his father/our grandfather's funeral over five years ago. He hasn't seen his granddaughter (now nearly 15 years old) since she was eight. I swap e-mail with Dad every month or so and he sends the appropriate family cards & grandkid birthday/holiday checks, but he doesn't want to travel out here anymore. He flew a lot on business in the 1960s-1970s and then spent 14 years flying from CO-->Cincinnati every 6-8 weeks to visit his father in the care facility. So when he says he's done flying, I know he's not just making an excuse.
Grand Junction is a difficult place to get to without a dedicated trip. I'd visit him but (1) he's never extended the invitation and (2) I choose not to give up family time to spend it with my father trying to figure out if he wants family time. Maybe someday we'll invite him to join us in the nearby snowy Rockies during spring break, but our daughter would rather spend time with her work and her friends than snowboarding at Breckenridge. Again it's not as though my father has suggested meeting somewhere he can drive to, and it's a lot of my personal effort for what ultimately may only be an attempt to make myself feel better about trying.
When I was on my first submarine and they'd try to visit, I'd usually be in the middle of some horrific work schedule requiring 20 hours/day and no chance at all of taking leave. I was a [-]little SOB[/-] tough kid to raise, I was harboring a lot of anger toward my mother, and I had no time for anything other than work. I can see why they'd give up trying to drop by. I felt very lucky to be on shore duty (available & able to take leave) when my mother decided to die, but it certainly didn't resolve any of the problems between us.
My brother and I didn't get along when we were growing up (my fault, I'm older), and over the last five years he's become more involved in his own business than in answering e-mails or cards. My last e-mail bounced because he closed his account. My birthday card to him (three weeks ago) hasn't been acknowledged. So I do what makes me feel good and he does whatever it is that he wants to do. It is what it is.
Whenever I get maudlin about the lack of father/brother time, I consider my spouse and her parents. She joined the Navy to get far away from them and they still tracked us down to set up housekeeping near their only grandkid. Even in her 40s my spouse still feels this huge [-]burden[/-] obligation of [-]parentally-imposed[/-] adult guilt to initiate all contact, execute all planning, and endure all the inevitable kibitzing & cheapskating. (I've suggested that we swap parents for a while but she's not convinced yet.) After over five years of having my PILs living just 10 minutes away, it's a great mutual relief to be separated by 5000 miles again. After over six months since they've left her mother hasn't even phoned her and we have no idea what their current e-mail address is. I don't think they'll attempt to make the 11-hour flight out to Hawaii ever again, so we'll be expected to [-]genuflect at the family altar[/-] drop by every time we're on the East Coast. Thus we don't discuss our Mainland travel plans for fear of being guilted into unwanted side trips.
Why would people want to be visited by someone who doesn't want to visit them?
There's a reason it's called the 'nuclear' family: sufficient concentration can result in widespread damage.
Thanks, Khan, I just had to review this whole thread with my spouse in order to explain why I was laughing so hard!
When our kid leaves the nest (just three more years!) we'll have to start all over again and establish an adult relationship. Hopefully she comes home to visit once in a while, but it's hard for spouse and I to imagine that we'll ever stalk our kid or our grandkids. In my perfect vision of the future, I'd rather get together for a family Disneyland trip or have them drop the grandkid off for a weekend. I certainly don't want to experience living together for prolonged periods unless everyone deems it necessary.
I'm glad we decided to become parents, but it's definitely a life sentence without parole. For all generations...