Dating advice?

[athena53]

Having been married to someone who would not get a job, the "bum" description would make me pass on a profile, but I think financially responsible women (even those not FI themselves) would be intrigued by someone who was able to retire early.

I'd want to know the circumstances. Plenty of people in their 50s and 60s lose a job and then decide that whatever SS they can get is enough (maybe spending down savings till they can collect at 62). Those are shaky plans, which can be derailed by blowing through a health insurance deductible, needing to replace a car, etc. Someone who's ER wouldn't be a turnoff in and of itself, but I wouldn't assume it was a guarantee of long-term solvency.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

The next time I find myself supporting a man, I better have given birth to him! You're right about the circumstances though, DH lost his business thanks to Katrina and the housing recession, but he worked hard and I was delighted to pick up the slack. Ex was just happy to let me support him. Big difference. You are right that the circumstances are important, but that would not be hard to figure out- as many posters have noted- just by observing. I'd want details eventually, but no one expects that on a first date unless things have changed VERY much since I dated last

 

[Chuckanut]

I usually go with "person of independent means, and international man of mystery".

I like that! I might add a bit more:

'Person of independent means, international man of mystery and a global Bon Vivant"

 

[GravitySucks]

I like that! I might add a bit more:

'Person of independent means, international man of mystery and a global Bon Vivant"

"I'm Batman."

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

The next time I find myself supporting a man, I better have given birth to him!

,

 

[jollystomper]

I dated a woman who said this exact thing on our first date! Talk about honesty. We didn't meet on Tinder, but she told me how much she liked the app and how using it had enabled her to "experience the finer things in the city for free". Needless to say, when the check came, she didn't reach for it.

I think this is an unfortunate and widespread side effect of online dating services. It had led to many women treating dating sort of like channel surfing. I read an article about this recently that explained the psychology of it all very convincingly. It's just so easy for any reasonably presentable woman to find a date at a moment's notice, that when they actually do go on dates they are constantly evaluating and scrutinizing the guy in comparison to the next "virtual" one who's out there who might be a little better looking, a little taller, a little funnier, a little richer, etc. So they end up churning through a stream of guys who could be very good matches over the long term, in search of the "perfect" match. Very dispiriting for those of us non-George Clooney types.

Reminds me of the joke about "the New Husband Store vs. the New Wife Store".

 

[Chuckanut]

I think this is an unfortunate and widespread side effect of online dating services. It had led to many women treating dating sort of like channel surfing. I read an article about this recently that explained the psychology of it all very convincingly. It's just so easy for any reasonably presentable woman to find a date at a moment's notice, that when they actually do go on dates they are constantly evaluating and scrutinizing the guy in comparison to the next "virtual" one who's out there who might be a little better looking, a little taller, a little funnier, a little richer, etc. So they end up churning through a stream of guys who could be very good matches over the long term, in search of the "perfect" match. Very dispiriting for those of us non-George Clooney types.

I must agree to a point. I have met a number of women in what I call my 'Second Bachelorhood'. About 1/3rd the time I feel like I am being poked, prodded and picked at until some fault is exposed. Since I am only human it is only a matter of time until I , have been proven to be imperfect. Then, I am tossed on the rejection pile with a host of other men.

OTOH, who wants a partner like that? Not me. And they are a minority, albeit a rather large minority. And, of course, not all we men are fine examples of masculinity at its best. Many of us are stuck in our ways, need to bathe more regularly, and could do a better job of staying sober.

Still the online world with its promise of that great guy or gal is just a few more clicks away does tempt us to push aside Mr. or Ms. 85% perfect in search of the ultimate mate. Of course, given that the online sites make more money if we hang on for many months searching for the perfect match, rather than 'settling' for a pretty good guy or gal.... Well, their incentive is not to match us very quickly, isn't it?

 

[Chuckanut]

I think this is an unfortunate and widespread side effect of online dating services. It had led to many women treating dating sort of like channel surfing. I read an article about this recently that explained the psychology of it all very convincingly. It's just so easy for any reasonably presentable woman to find a date at a moment's notice, that when they actually do go on dates they are constantly evaluating and scrutinizing the guy in comparison to the next "virtual" one who's out there who might be a little better looking, a little taller, a little funnier, a little richer, etc. So they end up churning through a stream of guys who could be very good matches over the long term, in search of the "perfect" match. Very dispiriting for those of us non-George Clooney types.

I must agree to a point. I have met a number of women in what I call my 'Second Bachelorhood'. About 1/3rd the time I feel like I am being poked, prodded and picket at until some fault is exposed. Since I am only human it is only a matter of time until I have been proven to be imperfect. Then, I am tossed on the rejection pile with a host of other men.

OTOH, who wants a partner like that? Not me. And they are a minority, albeit a rather large minority. And, of course, not all we men are examples of masculinity at its best. Many of us are stuck in our ways, need to bathe more regularly, and could do a better job of staying sober.

Still the online world with its promise that the great guy or gal is just a few more clicks away does tempt us to push aside Mr. or Ms. 85% perfect in search of the ultimate mate. Of course, given that the online sites make more money if we hang on for many months searching for the perfect match, rather than 'settling' for a pretty good guy or gal.... Well, their incentive is not to match us very quickly, isn't it?

 

[Totoro]

About 1/3rd the time I feel like I am being poked, prodded and picket at until some fault is exposed.

Aah, checklist women. Run down the checklist as fast as I can, add a bit of sugar on top, and then walk out cold. Confuses them greatly.

Yes, I can be evil.

The best date I had was not really a date at all. Just a wonderful lady I spent a great two days with exploring. She spoiled it for the rest I guess.

 

[SecondCor521]

Also, what is wrong with 10 or 15 years younger?

Ha

Nothing except they don't respond to my invitations.

(I am about a decade or so younger than the OP, which makes a difference. In 10 years it'll be less creepy.)

 

[Hermit]

Nothing except they don't respond to my invitations.

(I am about a decade or so younger than the OP, which makes a difference. In 10 years it'll be less creepy.)

I married the late DW when she was 19 and I was 30. It didn't seem creepy to us. We were married for 30 years.

 

[GravitySucks]

I have no sons. I have no brothers. My male cousins all died before having kids so my Dad thinks I ought to find a twenty something and start over to keep the lineage going.
I think he may only be half kidding.
An old college pal who's five years older than me is on wife 4 and has a 2 year old, so the options there.

 

[SecondCor521]

I married the late DW when she was 19 and I was 30. It didn't seem creepy to us. We were married for 30 years.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be creepy, but 10 years of difference is the minority view and most people I have met aren't willing to consider it as an option.

I am glad it worked out for you, though

 

[Nemo2]

but 10 years of difference is the minority view and most people I have met aren't willing to consider it as an option.

DW is 10 years, 3 weeks, and 1 day younger than me....we made contact about a month before my 61st birthday and have been together since then....the age difference has never been a factor.

 

[Gumby]

I like that! I might add a bit more:

'Person of independent means, international man of mystery and a global Bon Vivant"

"Stay thirsty, my friends."

 

[Amethyst]

I joke with Mr. A. that we would not have even seen each other's profiles on online dating, had it existed when we were dating. We would not have been in one another's "reasonable range."

Interestingly, the crasser sorts of people still think it's OK to criticize age-difference marriages in the same way they used to openly criticize race-difference marriages.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be creepy, but 10 years of difference is the minority view and most people I have met aren't willing to consider it as an option.

I am glad it worked out for you, though

 

[ivinsfan]

So it wasn't me that mentioned age, but I think gentleman said that woman over 10 years younger then him didn't respond to his online invitations at all, leading him to think they had him labeled as a "creepy old guy"...I didn't get any bashing of age differences from that comment. Comparing that to racism is a tad harsh IMO...

 

[athena53]

I joke with Mr. A. that we would not have even seen each other's profiles on online dating, had it existed when we were dating. We would not have been in one another's "reasonable range."

I've thought about that- DH was 15 years older, hadn't finished college (ran out of money and couldn't working at night and going to classes during the day) and he smoked, but quit shortly after we met. It was a very happy marriage!

I do get annoyed at listings from a guy who says he's, say, 55, and is looking for a woman ages 35-45. So- women in your own age group are too old and decrepit for you?

 

[Amethyst]

My comment was general, is based on 30+ years of life experience, and applies to the population at large. It is hardly a secret that there are all kinds of bigotry out there. If someone thinks it's OK to criticize age-difference marital partners but not OK to criticize racially-mixed marriages by saying "racism is worse," then I suspect they are just trying to justify their own brand of bigotry.

Now, If 2d Cor (a friend) thinks I was referring to him, I do apologize. I know he has too big a heart to criticize other people's marital choices.

So it wasn't me that mentioned age, but I think gentleman said that woman over 10 years younger then him didn't respond to his online invitations at all, leading him to think they had him labeled as a "creepy old guy"...I didn't get any bashing of age differences from that comment. Comparing that to racism is a tad harsh IMO...

 

[Amethyst]

Mr. A. had been dating women in his age group. He never said anything bad about them, but there hadn't been any "spark" as we like to say nowadays.

He was drawn to intelligent women, that's all he really said. I happened to show up in his path one day. Do you suppose older men who deliberately seek younger women, are actively looking for the brainy ones?

I've thought about that- DH was 15 years older, hadn't finished college (ran out of money and couldn't working at night and going to classes during the day) and he smoked, but quit shortly after we met. It was a very happy marriage!

I do get annoyed at listings from a guy who says he's, say, 55, and is looking for a woman ages 35-45. So- women in your own age group are too old and decrepit for you?

 

[ivinsfan]

My comment was general, is based on 30+ years of life experience, and applies to the population at large. It is hardly a secret that there are all kinds of bigotry out there. If someone thinks it's OK to criticize age-difference marital partners but not OK to criticize racially-mixed marriages by saying "racism is worse," then I suspect they are just trying to justify their own brand of bigotry.

Now, If 2d Cor (a friend) thinks I was referring to him, I do apologize. I know he has too big a heart to criticize other people's marital choices.

I'm with you there, in fact the only relationship we "entitled" to have an opinion about is our own. It's hard enough to have a good relationship, adding other people's opinions about it is not productive or kind.

 

[athena53]

Mr. A. had been dating women in his age group. He never said anything bad about them, but there hadn't been any "spark" as we like to say nowadays.

He was drawn to intelligent women, that's all he really said. I happened to show up in his path one day. Do you suppose older men who deliberately seek younger women, are actively looking for the brainy ones?

Yeah, same with DH. He liked brainy, too! Who knows- the guys seeking younger women might be looking for brainy in addition to firm young(er) flesh.

 

[Nemo2]

Yeah, same with DH. He liked brainy, too!

DW is smarter than I am, ("Who isn't?" I hear you ask), but I also met potential partners closer to my own age.

 

[GravitySucks]

I don't think I'm being ageist when I set the limits, but as an experiment I removed the filter. I believe the site is only showing me matches that have my age in their acceptable range. Six local under 43 show up some with multiple children, all looking for marriage soon and most hoping for more children. Since I'm not looking to raise more kids and right now am looking for dating not marriage it's a moot point.
I don't criticize anyone's relationships, not my business. I'd date a much younger woman but doubt I would find one looking for the same thing with common interests and tastes. I don't want to date a much older woman for the same reasons, though none showed up in the search. The last time I used this site no women more than ten years younger ever responded to a message even though my age was in their match range.

 

[ivinsfan]

Reading all this makes me glad I'm not in the market.. it sounds like a minefield out there. It doesn't take much to put a foot wrong and mess things up.